Category: HEALTH

HEALTH

F*^K PATIENCE

By

we met once or twice I think. You and me, Patience. You have a nasty little sneer every time I get near you.
you little patience you.

I’m just going to put this pen down and whisper sweet nothings into the air. See if the tipping point effect of aerosol rings true with wishing as it does with infections.
I am a laying here. a waiting
for you

I never said I’d do it quietly and no one said in order to have grace you had to shut up but all we have to mirror GRACE is silent noir films so of course I have assumed SILENCE is my only option.

So I HUSH UP bc how can one scream or laugh gracefully and those are my favorite passings of times.

My poor hubby is rarely aware of the type of day he’s going to be jolted with once I pop up out of my slumber and into the fresh morning DEW.

I feel wise when I bargain with time.. bargain with the signs that they are closer than they are…
I feel the space I know it’s time away but I just need a BONE to chew Hold me down while the clouds pass by.

Acting Ever changing beliefs HEALTH Marriage

GO BACK to one in order to check yourself….

By

After the show at the JCC community theater, I was so thrilled and in LOVE with the process of creating art. I saw in others how they so desperately wanted to be good at what they were doing and how much they cared about telling a story. I fell in love with my ART FORM all over again, but this time…from pure JOY…PURE bliss.

I love acting, the art form of it…I loved watching people become actors and I loved seeing how important it was for me NOT to worry about other people but to focus on my own little job.

A few things came from this experience.

1) I was able to be around Jewish people.
2) I was able to be aware of other people without feeling it was my duty to heal them.
3) Ending ANY PLAY causes me to downward spiral.
4) Professional actors must return to the community theater as part healing and part nurturing the art form.
5) I still love my acting and have the utmost respect for the professional elements of it and why they are in place.
6) I never felt ANY OF IT was beneath me

I feel I fear things mostly because of what that experience will reveal about my current truths.

I am here- blogging after the show. Trying to pack for a winter experience in NYC, seeing GREAT THEATER with my family. I am trying to stop the endless loop of dopamine drops while my poor husband dodges or rather, attempts to dodge, my fireballs of blame for feeling so DOWN. MY EGO HAS THE NEED TO GRASP FOR BREATH ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THIS VERSION OF HER DIES.
A dramatic exit as always.

I take a shower I pop a medical hybrid gummy- I try again to get into my blog so I can bitch to myself about what my mother just called and told me I write so well about….. “growing Pains”

Evolving hurts…on the way in and on the way out…and you’d think I would be better at handling the feeling I always get…
But what I do now is…

!)I go at it harder so I let go of it quicker
2) I DO NOT bite my tongue Rather I let her flare up and shred anyone or anything that dares to step infront of me.

I dismantle my hive dive.

shaking convulsing if need be
GET THE FUCK out of the way I need to ……
SPALSH INTO IT

and I am BACK

FLOWstate

S

Acting HEALTH Kitchen

Want a euphoric present? Rewrite your past.

By

I work with memories. New ones, old ones, false ones and forced ones. 

As an actor I have come to understand the power of believing a thought.

if something “isn’t working” during rehearsal…it  is usually traced back to a belief system that the actor has. Their belief  is then tweaked until the actor gives the director the reaction they are looking for. ( pleaser)

I was recently in rehearsal for a HOT and CURRENT and RElATIVE play. I also believed it was a funny play and that I would enjoy the work. I went in with both feet.

As we began rehearsal via zoom  and a I started working in the role…researching the role..I came to  see that the funny part was for the audience…the role was much darker. I proceeded with caution.

I began brush shoulders with my character, but didn’t want to fully commit to her thought process. I know myself. I get stuck in character easily. I knew that as soon as I sat down with her belief system, my own personal belief system would be adjusted. We I had two months till the play even officially opened. I was cautious because in that that time I would be traveling with my family and I didn’t want this role one my family vacation and not me. THis has happened to me in the past and it wasn’t something i wanted to experience again.

After the director kept saying

“i see the role and then I don’t …you go in and out…”

I informed him of my decision to move slowly and take my time becomign the role. I told him my process, my weakness and why I needed to go in and out during the three hour rehearsals.

For him to speak to me as Susie when we were doing notes in between runs and not as the ROLE.

I said..”when we are in real rehearsal, a week prior to opening, she will be here.”

I felt we were in a good place and I trusted him and hoped he woudl trust me.

But, then he started doing the classic and very effective AS IF techniques..

this is where a director asks you to relate to the story from a aspect of your own story. As if STEVE your husband was the one dying…etc etc. It happens innocently but it is so effective tha tis hard for anyone to resist. Memory is easily manipulated when you believe you are in a trusting space.

I HAVE OFTEN SPOKEN TO MY STUDENT OF THIS.

Do not let someone destroy your healed stories.

Walk into a smokey bar you will get second hand smoke…it is hard to avoid if it is happening..

Do not allow directors to use family dynamics to activate your perspective of pain in order to relate to the character and then project that to the audience. Your pain in limited at best and vengeful and not conscious enough to artfully navigate. Image and be inspired by another’s pain..in order to empathise and create colors and depth…You are not the deepest well of emotions. Your imagination is. Trust it.”

That would be picking at a wound that has healed and has a scar..it is demonstrative to your core sense of self/family and hurtful to you as an artist.

Actors do not need to feed off their own personal pain in order to act

Rehearsal then became in person and eventually was in MY SPACE. That is where the very talented director began to associate my life and my characters. All of a sudden the scabs that were healing begin to be picked at. My healed family relationship I worked years on re-remembering for a kinder brighter present began to quickly unravel and to warp.

Memory is a game and it is easy to remember pain..pain is the easiest emotion to access. Especially of a person one you devoted much time in pertetruatin. It is essentially a HABIT

It was a huge lesson for me to experience…playing the most antithesis person I could. get my head around her story and then having the amazing experience of being in a room with a classic director that uses emotional recall.

I also felt it is almost impossible for a director to trust an actor will get there if they have never worked with them before and this was also part of it.

I tried to express the concept of trust but TRUST in elf is really the important part of this.  I watched myself resist his technique. I knew so well but due to my familiarity with it…part of me secumbered. I wanted to please him after all and soon enough my anger for my past perpetuated family stories opened up

I have since had to let go of this role…in order to preserve both my perspective of my family and my respect for my own process of creating character. How an actor builds their story is i-personal. How they get needs to be visceral chosen and understood my the actor in order for them to get THEMSELVES out.

It is like a consciousness hypnosis we do to ourselves. we get in then we can get out…

If you are being told how to remember something…you can early loose your hold on your own version of the story.

This technique and all the issues it has  is proved in the work of memory recall and even in police intvetigate. Being in a room long enough with someone who wants you  believe something will force you to believe it. Especially if you feel you are safe, that they believe you…that they are not forcing their will on you.

However..most of us are always manipulating people. We are doing it to each other all the time. We believe that if you believe what I believe they we are seen and heard…connected..we exist…

 ( think first dates)

Memory is able to be manipulated.

So if you want a JOYFUL life…re-remember your past…recreate a loving perspective of your childhood. Search and find the LIGHT..WHY?

WHY NOT?

I don’t think we can ever truly be content with our present …unless we are content with the past.

This is NOT about finding the pain and perpetuating it…vilifying people….holding them accountable..

It is more about challenging yourself to see the light, changing your perspective on your present state in order to SURF in joy, and then grab that RAY of sunshine and view your past through it.

SO- I believe we are free to change who we are by changing what we have been told, sold and belief about our past. This works both ways, often flipping back and forth from pain to peace…Eventually one must win..

Lets choose peace

Therapist need us to remain in pain in order to sustain their business..

I am challenging you to rewrite a past story…

1)own your own ability to perpetrate other people..even and especially by your negative thoughts.

2) Choose joy

3) Release those that have perpetrated you from your negative hold by asking them to forgive you for holding them in a negative role for all these years…limiting their ability to heal.

  • Ho’oponopono Prayer
  • X ( name of the person you are holding as villian)
  • Please forgive me
  • I am sorry
  • I love you
  • Thank you

We are who we are because of the way we have formulated the story.

Science and research has proven that our memory is scattered at best.

Pain, real or imagined, is held in the body

Manipulate yourself to be joyful..release the pain for your own well being.

why not?

WHY THE FUCK NOT.

childhood bliss

THrough my SURF process we learn to trust and channel a foreign version of pain , one that will not hit up right against our recently healed stories and then UNHEAL them.

HEALTH Kitchen TYROID THRILLS

“Do you know what’s in here? You shouldn’t take something unless you know what it is…” he said..with a smirk

By

I had placed all the supplements on the counter and with the one that was a cow thyroid bovine….that was a supplement prescribed by my ::chiropractic neurologist::” he warned against it…”Do you know what’s in here? You shouldn’t take something unless you know what it is…” he said..with a smirk. Later I will find out bc it is not FDA approved. That smirk and the fact that the way he flippantly told me what he thought my diagnosis was paired with the fact that he doesn’t see diet as part of the story with Thyroid…I don’t expect to return…

Granted…

I was already hysterical. Internally hysterical…and it was ooozing out…

I was nervous about this day …this appointment…and even though I meditated for 20 minutes before I walked into the kitchen… Steve and I had gotten into an argument in minutes about a money issue and ..I was asking him to lay off but it was too late – we were in it….and so the morning had started like most mornings…Stressed..arguing. This is something that makes Steve feel better bc he gets stuff off his chest but it makes me more stressed out… I have asked if we can table those conversations till later in the day.

Sitting in the Dr, Office private office he said the Nodule was large and that he was going to Biopsy it. I was just sitting there,..Steve next to me…there,,,but not my DAD there….and then the Dr. asks about the supplements I am taking and I showed them to him.

Thyrophin by standard process

Chaste tree by standard process

Ovex by standard process

Dermatrophin by standard process

J.crows Ligols solution ( 2% Distilled water potassium iodine 4% iodine2%)

Elderberry 

Glucosamine hyalironic Avis

Gentle iron

K2 and D3

Evening primrose1300x2

Turmeric liquid

Calcium citrate plus with magnesium

He was only concerned really with the Iodine ( which i added from my own research and which I instantly felt better from -either with a tiny amount of drops n water or on my wrist) and the Bovine Thyroid…non FDA approved Thyrophin.

I was crying …I used the two last tissues he had..from his desk… ( tissues on Desks…not . a great sign..not great tissues…) This Dr. was totally unable to truly connect but again I was finally letting all of this out…in this guys office….while Steve sat next to me but almost like when we drove to the hospital from the PIE I ate too much of…he wasn’t really really there somehow…like his body is there but he disappeared …..or cold or distant or logical…( half on his phone) and I was unable to form a sentence.. Where were my warm blooded huggers to hold me…I felt alone …in a room and at times like this… it could feel that way.

” You shouldn’t take anything you don’t know what’s in it..yeah this may affect your blood work and then iodine…no stop that too…”

I felt like a fool…for a moment..

“But the food ..I mean the kinds of food..I mean…what kind of food.” I Tried to form coherent sentences. I was overwhelmed….I was a mess…I was scared….

He took me to get my blood wok done and then bc of my insurance will send it out for processing… to Quest Labs and then we went to his office and I laid down and he took a sonogram ( another one from the one I took that my Chiropractic Dr ordered bc she saw something ( my regular DR, had just said my numbers were a little low…and even though I had mentioned my symptoms over the years…specifically my extreme PMS or moodiness…this thyroid sonogram was never ordered…( my check up was in May and I had a lump in May she didn’t notice but I had heard a Journalist on TV thank a tv watcher for saving his life by saying she was a nurse and from watching him on TV she saw it ) but the lack of connection bc my numbers or because I push through…and order medicinal mary Jane..My General Dr. never thought to ask for a sonogram of my thyroid….. which I hear is normal bc my numbers were normal and honestly I wasn’t putting the pieces together… and anyway….I have a very large GOITER…

He first feel my throat and says…it is actually large on both sides and then I remove my little S neck-lass I just got fixed..give it to Steve and lay down and he looks at his screen picture of my thyroid and he instantly says

“This looks like Hashimoto’s “he says with a weird kind of joy and escalation. It sounds like he is joking a laugh and I sit up and he says “yep, that’s what it looks like” and I cry Hysterical into my hands….

Steve is there but not my dad there and I am crying and gathering my tears in a hard napkin from the metal dispenser…it hurts…I hurt…I am shocked and sad…Steve is stoic and taking mental notes…hard and detailed…

I lay back down and with the machine on my throat ( fuck this month has been insane…I had the first sonogram three weeks ago and a MRI on my breast ( some weird protocol my general DR. told me to do bc on Mom) Tuesday and now this on Friday and Jaedon had a ECHO Cardio the week in-between…like my grandmother used to say…when she was going to see her doctors… I am going to see my Boy friends.)

“see it looks like Swiss cheese..it should be smooth…and this nodule…it doesn’t look cancerous…but we will make sure and see..it may even be the Hashimoto’s and not a nodule…just a really inflamed thyroid from the Hashimoto’s..”

“You see?” he says as he turns the screen to show me

..I have tears running down the side of my face…I see it…I fucking see the Swiss chess part of me that is unable to keep these tears from flowing down down down my face…yep..I got it…

“next is the Biopsy…” he clips

How long have I had this…?

“it is big…it could be ten years…maybe longer”

So when I had my kids…

I don’t know..maybe longer

And as far as food…what do I not eat…is this hyper or hypo or If this is Hashimoto’s what do I eat or don’t eat and

“.food has nothing to do with this.” He says..

and out of respect for him…somehow Steve chimes in with “He’s a doctor” and then I ask more questions and although I am happy I was able to get in to see him so soon I feel dismissed “unheard” and then he confirms my disconnect with him by restating…food is not the issue and that I would maybe take a synthetic thyroid… from Pharma

“oh like the cow thyroid in Thyrophin” i say

“no this is approved my FDA and synthetic.. or maybe a radioactive iodine. if it turns out to be Graves.” he goes on

He doesn’t look that old but I feel his old thoughts and they aren’t aligned but I try and be polite…

He then takes a cold spray and sprays my neck and then puts three needles in my throat and then I sit up and he says…again..well it could be that the nodule we see is really still the Hoshimoto’s and it is large and formed line a nodule..doesn’t look like cancer but we will get the lab work back..i will be out of town in Italy..first trip in forever and so my partner will call you with the results…

Thank you DR. and we leave…

stand in the parking lot ( we took two cars- Steve had golf and fit this in which was My Aunt’s rewust for me to have someone there…which was a great idea) Steve is kind of cold with health issues…doesn’t think you need to over think them and shuts down over health issues.. .he isn’t good with this be being stressed and yet….that is what all this thyroid stuff causes physically……

I cry with him..in the car as he begs me to stop taking the supplements and the iodine bc the Dr said they may actually mess with the blood work.

I agree…kind of…to stop …I get in my car I cry hysterical..I call Heather I call my mom I call my Aunt …I call my dear friend.. I need woman’s hug….Steve hugs and supports but I am too much..

And the papers the Doctor gave us as we were int he office on HYPO or Hoshimoto’s talks about heavy or irregular periods and Steve asked asked him

“could my extreme emotional PMS be a side affect of this…whole thing..?”

They are different hormones but if you are having issue from you thyroid with your hormones and then you have the Menstrual shift it can be affecting it and pushing it over the top” yes.

WHY DIDN’t THE DOT’s GET PUT TOGEther sooner… just found several books that speak about heavy bleeding and hormones and thyroid…and

i digress or progess

It is 5 am now…this story fresh in my head wanted to be on paper…I am up…I put a little iodine on my wrist…i feel better…i don’t know.. this year …this is what this will be about…for me…

Steve told me he isn’t going to work for Patrick… that he was asked to be a point man at Asset mark and that he is happy about being recognized.

i am hard on Steve…on myself…I hope that this new understanding of a huge thing I have going on will slowly guide me to a better more even keel life…

Food wise I was off everything up until tow days ago…till the stress pushed me over…but I am done with my little trial I am not interested in testing if FOOD affect me or not…HELLO.

…the coffee was decaf and I had two sips and it was gross…the drinks …the tiny bit of quesadilla…the cheese, the bread…etc…

…I am back on it. no gluten, no coffee, no dairy. and will go and see a second opinion on Thursday Morning…regardless if I get my result back from the first Dr. or not…

I think I need to find a holistic approaching person that is both medical and aware that food causes issues.. The Next Doctor I see on Thursday will be the opinion of a female and her posted reviews all talk about the diet she put her patients on.