Category: Marriage

Acting Ever changing beliefs HEALTH Marriage

GO BACK to one in order to check yourself….

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After the show at the JCC community theater, I was so thrilled and in LOVE with the process of creating art. I saw in others how they so desperately wanted to be good at what they were doing and how much they cared about telling a story. I fell in love with my ART FORM all over again, but this time…from pure JOY…PURE bliss.

I love acting, the art form of it…I loved watching people become actors and I loved seeing how important it was for me NOT to worry about other people but to focus on my own little job.

A few things came from this experience.

1) I was able to be around Jewish people.
2) I was able to be aware of other people without feeling it was my duty to heal them.
3) Ending ANY PLAY causes me to downward spiral.
4) Professional actors must return to the community theater as part healing and part nurturing the art form.
5) I still love my acting and have the utmost respect for the professional elements of it and why they are in place.
6) I never felt ANY OF IT was beneath me

I feel I fear things mostly because of what that experience will reveal about my current truths.

I am here- blogging after the show. Trying to pack for a winter experience in NYC, seeing GREAT THEATER with my family. I am trying to stop the endless loop of dopamine drops while my poor husband dodges or rather, attempts to dodge, my fireballs of blame for feeling so DOWN. MY EGO HAS THE NEED TO GRASP FOR BREATH ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THIS VERSION OF HER DIES.
A dramatic exit as always.

I take a shower I pop a medical hybrid gummy- I try again to get into my blog so I can bitch to myself about what my mother just called and told me I write so well about….. “growing Pains”

Evolving hurts…on the way in and on the way out…and you’d think I would be better at handling the feeling I always get…
But what I do now is…

!)I go at it harder so I let go of it quicker
2) I DO NOT bite my tongue Rather I let her flare up and shred anyone or anything that dares to step infront of me.

I dismantle my hive dive.

shaking convulsing if need be
GET THE FUCK out of the way I need to ……
SPALSH INTO IT

and I am BACK

FLOWstate

S

Kitchen Marriage SURFing Process

I slay my own dragons now

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How we exit a story, I have said a million different times, is how we enter the next one. The art of the exit is equal to the base layer of your next canvas. Draw blood and you will need effort to cover it. Draw pain and you will need patience to hold the brush, draw anything and you will use that to draw and so…. DRAW grace and you will need but love to secure your frame.

I am about to turn 48. I can look at every one of my dominant relationships and say…in my way and from my perspective I exited the relationship at some point in GRACE….even if the very next day we have lunch…i can karmically remove my hooks from you and in that allow you leverage to shake free from me…from my holdings …from my ripple…

IF someone walks in and does my ACT for me…. SLAPS you or something…
I have lost my own power
I have been victimized twice
I have not owned my own self and I have not built my own exit but YOU have
You have built a bridge and that bridge….is what I lay me feet on
and it is sticky and it is yours and it is again

NOT MINE

SO I return
I ask for a larger audience
I seek another attempt at a graceful exit from myself as she is
less effort
Less effort

But where does all my pain go?
INSIDE ME???

Your pain is a spark to a fire that can be swallowed carefully…like a fire eater and as you do this.. in grace…in full awareness that YOU are eating you OWN ending you sacrifice your Pain…you sacrifice your INJUSCTICE…. you feel it sizzle and burn and get raw you feel your exposer your vulnerability and it…

IT FEELS everything… newly

and you hear the wind in you throat and a new space is opened a cave that was shut down from a prior avalanche of insult of injury is softly simmered open and when your lips part again…the words you speak are not of yours but of the revealed self you have just met within…

she whispers and you strain to listen
and then you only hear her
and then you remember
I am that I am and you are that your are

what good is eating my own fingers.

Marriage

20 years and so?

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Marriage is this…is this very slippery slope you are trying to navigate…to where…I suspect a look out…a viewpoint…a moment when you can access the distance you achieved. Or so I thought.

Marriage I have found in my 20 year of becoming a married woman….is about reflection…a house of mirrors you can’t escape that you eventually ( maybe) begin to feel the need to just sit down in….see the versions of you and realize…this is a truth…

maybe not you one you wished to expose
maybe not the one you thought you’d maintain the entire two decades
maybe not even a version of a person you would hug in the street but
you just the same

if you are able to receive that…a group of impressions from a person and their family and your family of who you are… then you stay married

If you can’t
If other people’s inability to totally see you whole tortures you…
I suppose ( like I have often toyed with ) RUN

RUN The hell out of anything that offers you broken versions of your perfection.

I have come to understand my kinder mirror is in nature…in the ocean and in the trees.

They care not what your camera captures.
They know not of what light allowed the golden rule to exist
they care nothing

And they–like me— respect others limited perspective….limited viewpoint…
and i …i soften my gaze –blur my vision and
feel
feel myself. we FEEL just FINE and that…that new understanding of a FINE TUNED PERSON……
sits still in the joy of her achievement…
sits anywhere on that slippery slope and realizes as she places her hands on the ground…

it was all a perspective…the ground has been leveled -the road clear and only the internal chaos has murkied the playing field.

Marriage is what you make it…
just like anything else you do in your life

So 20 years just given a spiritual handshake

Yes the sky is what you say it is Pertrucio
and yes I KATE have become a married woman
and what of that.

A place to hold my chair to sit and mediate to take a breath.
a touchstone.

My marriage is my touchstone……

to the next 20

S

Acting Kitchen Marriage SURFing Process

Thinking of removing your implants. Think about this first

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One thing to think about before you remove your implants is HOW MUCH do you love yourself. Becasue Boobs are a buffer…they shield you from your own hate and make you into a pretense….so if you remove them..your shields are down and you have to face everything straight on…you can’t push your chest out and deflect the negativity or perhaps they absorb it for us….from us and to us…and like anything FAKE….it deflects and the reality of our world or our natural state is distorted to the point that the distortion becomes the reality.
sooooooo to be clear…best get your LOVE on before you take those out because I spent four years rebuilding my LIFE before I removed them and I still was brought to my knees at the lack of POWER I had without them…but being truthful- power built on falseness is not power at all but a delusion and thus the crumbling of a delusion is what brought me to my knees but once I rose up..I have hand rails to grab..an acting career to reenter…a marriage to strengthen…and children and loving kind friends to support me…

I set the stage for my entrance and when I finally reentered…I was not alone or living a lie..I was my original self with more scars…

so just prep your emotional life before you do it.

a few questions..

Why did you get them
Does that reason still exist
Are you ok with no having big boobs because socially they are a commodity
are you ok with letting go of a version of yourself
Are you ok with recasting yourself into the itty bitty committee.
Are you OK?

Then just shower yourself in Kindness and find loving hands to do the procedures and take your time and peel the ROLE off…slowly and lovingly for if you do it with a quick hand…as many of these doctors suggest…you will have missed the mourning process and it is in that mourning you set yourself free.