Category: SURFing Process

Kitchen Marriage SURFing Process

I slay my own dragons now

By

How we exit a story, I have said a million different times, is how we enter the next one. The art of the exit is equal to the base layer of your next canvas. Draw blood and you will need effort to cover it. Draw pain and you will need patience to hold the brush, draw anything and you will use that to draw and so…. DRAW grace and you will need but love to secure your frame.

I am about to turn 48. I can look at every one of my dominant relationships and say…in my way and from my perspective I exited the relationship at some point in GRACE….even if the very next day we have lunch…i can karmically remove my hooks from you and in that allow you leverage to shake free from me…from my holdings …from my ripple…

IF someone walks in and does my ACT for me…. SLAPS you or something…
I have lost my own power
I have been victimized twice
I have not owned my own self and I have not built my own exit but YOU have
You have built a bridge and that bridge….is what I lay me feet on
and it is sticky and it is yours and it is again

NOT MINE

SO I return
I ask for a larger audience
I seek another attempt at a graceful exit from myself as she is
less effort
Less effort

But where does all my pain go?
INSIDE ME???

Your pain is a spark to a fire that can be swallowed carefully…like a fire eater and as you do this.. in grace…in full awareness that YOU are eating you OWN ending you sacrifice your Pain…you sacrifice your INJUSCTICE…. you feel it sizzle and burn and get raw you feel your exposer your vulnerability and it…

IT FEELS everything… newly

and you hear the wind in you throat and a new space is opened a cave that was shut down from a prior avalanche of insult of injury is softly simmered open and when your lips part again…the words you speak are not of yours but of the revealed self you have just met within…

she whispers and you strain to listen
and then you only hear her
and then you remember
I am that I am and you are that your are

what good is eating my own fingers.

Acting Projects SURFing Process

Goodbye….2018

By

Last year…love saying that…funny how time allows for distance and yet time is a perception we believe in. Time is nothing…but if enough people agree it links one days and nights on a string…

2018- Thank you… thank you for giving me the strength to remove my fake breast and attempt to live a life that is not based on my false angst sexual energy in a city that values such things.
Thank you for letting me find my truer self beneath them and for giving me a class of loving students that surrounded me with unconditional love throughout the transition. Knowingly or not.

Forgive me for walking away from people and places I couln’t manage anymore…and forgive me for trying to mange anyone. Thinking t was all on me.

I love you for all you have allowed me to learn in my true self…to find a way to create my art through love and kindness…

I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you and those close to me…for my missteps and my residue of anger..for my DEVON who rises within me when I am too tired..I am sorry for not forgiving…for wanting control over my own kids for trying to think i still have that or ever had that.

Thank you for letting me feel what SPACE feels like ..what living without angst feels like…what moving from flow and lightness is like and that is is possible..

Thank you for teaching me what NICE and LIGHT feels like…within me and within others..

Thank you allowing me to battle the BOTOX pull..to love it and leave it and to then be given a role that crushed any idea of what beauty is for me.

Thank you for getting me back to London to forgive my younger self so I can remeet her.

Thank you for inspiring me to FINALLY do my one woman show for finding a theater in Edinburgh for finding a house…there ..for the gift of my family coming with me in AUGUST to be part of my art and for me thinking of that as a possible future..having BOTH worlds.

Thank you for getting that Basel cell out of my head …for opening up my minds eye and removing any limitiation…

Thank you for allowing me to find a loving world of creatives WoRKING in Miami…

Thank you for introducing me to a Writor that outlines a book that I may write after the play at the FRINGe.

Thank you for wanting to get a grant and perhaps for NOT getting it but for hearing my work written out in a way that is understandable to ME

Thank you for allowing me to find my lower tiny abs that were for sure cut and disconnected during the c section and for allowing me to lift my legs up straight into a head stand.

Thank you for giving me a soft relationship to MASON …that he speaks to me about his life and yet doesn’t demand I FIX it and yet I know nothing…

Thank you for giving Jaedon a great school he seems to enjoy and for classes that are challenging him and for allowing us to be CALM about things..he found an IT class that is enjoyable for him

Thank you for giving STEVE and I a connection in PEACE…in SLOW and STEADY and owning our TURTLE NESS…

Thank you for giving me the love of the cast and crew for the piece of Mrs. Wade…my entrance back into the theater and for the new agent I found and for the two films I booked myself on and for all that may come in my acting career.

Thank you for allowing me to be open to the idea that my work can be created FROM love not in search of it or the lack of it…that a role can be built on channeling and then removing any connections you have to that character and NOT relating to THEM in a personal way at all..by truly removing yourself….

Thank you for allowing me to play Mrs. Wade and test my process and have a connection with my community in a REAL way by being a Channel back into time…back into a universe.. a TIME that both does and deosn’t exist…

Thank you for giving me a yoga instructor I trust and is not too invasive…for sending me to movement to sorftness. And away from loud music and aggressive sounds…from lifting weight..with force…

Thank you for allowing me to trust FLOW in my world…for giving me the trust to allow Steve to handle emotional issues with our children…

Thank you for pulling me towards love…for magnetizing those on a frequency that elevate me..

Thank you for connecting me with GLoria at the Xmas eve party about a possible outlet for my class and ideas…

Even though I was hiding…I was repelling from it..thank you for allowing me to not RUN like I have and perhaps trust that this is something of interest to me and the universe

Thank you for allowing me to NOT have a charge on too many people….but to keep myself somewhat connected to my circle…of energy.

And thank you for allowing me to sit here and see my husband and my youngest go for a winter walk and…..talk about anger and pain and how to manage the fire within us..EMOTIONAL walk…

In the past I would push myself to the front line and take all the emotional responsibility and now I am able to allow other people to take the lead…and for me to sit quietly on the side line as I am not the core…but the air…not the force but the vessel…not the fire but the heat and in that I can seperate myself from any feeling of gratitude or entitlement…i am nothing….

Nothingness is a little scary for me..it is a feeling of falling thorugh the holes in the earth…through…the filters….the sifters…and what remains…in grains of sand….singular and similar but in no means connected.

Just unified in a journey of playing with the waves…..

Sand on the waves

Acting SURFing Process

Brrr….the chilling affect of letting go

By

IT is about a week since we closed…7 days
I woke up early and engaged and totally aware of the version of SUSIE that i have developed a functional relationship to.

Mrs. Wade is gone…sweet, exhausted, hamstrung and closeted Mrs. Wade is released and all of SUSIS’S parts that aligned with her…residue of what SUSIE herself/ myself release- have left as well…I declare.

I learn from my characters what I want and don’t want in my next self and what I want is what Mrs. Wade alluded to…I want to become the person I was meant to be…but in truth…I already am…I have created a soft shell around an essence of LOVE and light and I have been able to protect HER every morn….in a slow ritual and awake kindly to another attempt to live truth seeking and kind…

THe one thing I am edging to is a PEACE in Scotland…a play I have anointed myself to that will be my focus…soft focus the next 8 months…. long term stuff.

My creativity is not an ever flowing stream and my TIME emotionally away from my kids has been helpful during this season as I am limited in my ability to deal with family. I don’t pull my husband or kids always from their family as their relationship is totally different then mine and to appoint my relationship as theirs is off.

My desire to be around loving kind beings is what works for me…having certain energy in my house is helpful…and allowing myself to seperate from others that KINK my flow is fine…as I in turn KINK theirs too.
Painful for both.

THis has brought me to a quiet place with my guide I speak with each morning…I don’t demand imspiration or creative highs…I simply dance softly with her and allow her to lead me…guide me…take me where she wants to and show me what I can experience.

Taking away the weight training from my workout has been huge for me…The agressivess that I fall back to in fear of dissolving is not helpful at this time..Yoga and fluid movement and dancing naked in the rain during the winter showers is the direction I am going…

I am not interested in EGO play and play towards a higher person which leads me to the understanding that I may not be a leader.in the way I KNOW it now…..a person others will follow ..or congregate towards but that will be determined this year..as I follow my essence….forward…I trust I will find my FAMILY.

Moving without EGO is gentle and kind and not ANGRY it is going to be a beautiful and slow and essentially boring year for DEVON but dearest Devon…I suspect you have found another HOST to attach yourself to becasue I my loving darling am not going to feed you what you need…

I am following shadows ….scents and whispers and those are my guides…

I am in RECASTING…I am in the place with no name or destiny….and from here is where I will tilt towards my future self…with kindness and forgiveness and understanding….trust that I can created without being in pain…that my own pain is not my creative channel but in fact a KINK in it. How interesting to realize your original inpistaion was bloackinng your entire being…

Where do you feel you are inspired from?
Could that be a KINK your Ego enjoys tightening?

S

Acting Kitchen Marriage SURFing Process

Thinking of removing your implants. Think about this first

By

One thing to think about before you remove your implants is HOW MUCH do you love yourself. Becasue Boobs are a buffer…they shield you from your own hate and make you into a pretense….so if you remove them..your shields are down and you have to face everything straight on…you can’t push your chest out and deflect the negativity or perhaps they absorb it for us….from us and to us…and like anything FAKE….it deflects and the reality of our world or our natural state is distorted to the point that the distortion becomes the reality.
sooooooo to be clear…best get your LOVE on before you take those out because I spent four years rebuilding my LIFE before I removed them and I still was brought to my knees at the lack of POWER I had without them…but being truthful- power built on falseness is not power at all but a delusion and thus the crumbling of a delusion is what brought me to my knees but once I rose up..I have hand rails to grab..an acting career to reenter…a marriage to strengthen…and children and loving kind friends to support me…

I set the stage for my entrance and when I finally reentered…I was not alone or living a lie..I was my original self with more scars…

so just prep your emotional life before you do it.

a few questions..

Why did you get them
Does that reason still exist
Are you ok with no having big boobs because socially they are a commodity
are you ok with letting go of a version of yourself
Are you ok with recasting yourself into the itty bitty committee.
Are you OK?

Then just shower yourself in Kindness and find loving hands to do the procedures and take your time and peel the ROLE off…slowly and lovingly for if you do it with a quick hand…as many of these doctors suggest…you will have missed the mourning process and it is in that mourning you set yourself free.

Kitchen SURFing Process

Hello….catch and kiss

By

R is recasting…but OMG is it such an EGO bust…and the EGO is going to fight you the whole way. THis is the lesson I learned from claiming Steve deserted Mason bc he missed a football game that randomly started on time..but I missed it too. I deserted Mason first…I feel it in me as I type with wire plugged into the hole that it isn’t supposed to ..the whole that’s too big bc it doesn’t rub.but the one it needs to click into is tight and secure and that…that tends to be the things that bothers me and that I fight off myself…bc somehow it reminds me of being caught..which as I explain…isn’t my bag…

NOTE- Mason my son is my life and I have to just own that my children are everything to me..the rest is just cherries..which i shouldn’t knock.

They say the way you are first introduced to things is how they are patterned…
In Kindergarden at Lee wood elementary we had a game called catch and kiss. I am pretty sure It was in Kindergarden..I remember Kevin Urgart used to chase me. I remember I used to hide in the colored cement tunnels which looking back may have been sewer parts…not used sewer parts but I have never seen those tunnels but for when they are working on drains to keep Purday avenue on South Beach from sinking..so maybe not sewer..more water.parts..drain parts…you know..
anyway

I remember being there and looking out hoping he wouldn’t find me- I am sure I was devoted to another boy who I was chasing…bc the idea of NOT being caught was the concept of love I began to inhabit and the concept of chasing my other angle//

yesterday and today I began to ponder on these somewhat facts

that I left the house the minute I finally got Steve home to help with bibbitec. It was on the advice of my lovely aunt who saw how worn down I was but she is also the aunt that fled to Milan some 30 years ago and have never come back..she herself is a fleer. but then again she is of the same blood so looking back I get it.it makes sense ..but she was really advice me to chase acting again…so really that wasn’t her doing..

Also super happy. went back to theater but either direction would have sent me back here..working on SOME alternative way of doing the age old version of either acting or business.

I digress.
Ok so the thing is it came to my attention that in order to fell deserted you might actually have to leave and that perhaps I have been perpetuating this idea of catch and kiss throughout most of my romantic life..becasue the idea of not being chased…well.. that just never registered…I also love to chase..so by leaving something… I have the ability to find it again.. thus all my hello and goodbyes…also distance gives perspective so you can really see things…and really fall back in love with them all over again and in a new way…

so
I deserted steve when we first met bc I chose to follow through and go off to London even though we met.
I chose to marry Tim just to double down on how much I was deserted when steve didn’t chase me…in a way
I then deserted TIM and returned immediately after the nuptials to Miami. TIm CHased me. Then I ran to NY and Tim chased me…caught me….SO…we broke up ….and I chased Jon and then we broke up becasue Steve was chasing me and Jon wasn’t Chasing me enough..
then steve was going to move to NY but I was having a hard time dealing with rejection of just a few roles and I came home and got fake boobs and deserted NY and my dream DREAM..the career one and stayed here and since I hate to be catched and I tend to get bored with things I have caught…
I began to think that it is me…I am the deserter…I let go of lots of things and relationships when I can’t face them anymore…but records show I tend to return to them…slowly…if they’ll have me.
But were it not for Catch and kiss …could it be in my bloodline.. and if so …from who…

My Hebrew name is Hannah Marie
I was named after Anne MArie
I believe she was the great grandmother that DESERTED Austria bc she didn’t want to be forced to shave her hair and wear a wig…she ended up married to an Austrian from her same village – one she met in NY. SO she ran her way perhaps right into her destiny.

And I feel like that.. i feel like I have to try and NOT leave…not run away form Steve and see what staying in the house as my “office” and working things out there with him…he is there…if I leave..it is on me…
If I stay…perhaps I can end this part of the cat and mouse game I so much enjoy..

Perhaps being chased is not love at all
Just attention.
Maybe love is being exactly where you are and NOT running away and not chasing away…

This means most of all I have done was for nothing…

Peaceful and kind

If I let Devon go..and give her spaces outside the house to play…like this new studio and I let Anne Marie stay with her family in her home town and stop her from running away (scratch her record a bit) will I find a more peaceful home life.

If I don’t all fit in my house _ i once asked- is it my house-
Yes
It can be
For the one that enjoys being home..

Steve and I have been arguing a lot.. the death of the idea of moving to another home is dead with all that..puss …the idea tha what I have put my effort into and all the good and bad is enough…is what becomes the film on top of all this Mishigas.

If I was the real deserter and I stop deserting…even this desire to want to leave my own home…when all it does is welcome me…what becomes of me…who is the future of the deserter.. the opposite is loyalist

What does that look like…?

Being a loyalist to my own beliefs and family..
Can I find value in that..fully?
Can I build on that
Is that the platform of love and if I hammer in those nails..I’m also good at pulling out..
Will that support me?
Will I be the support..
Will I have built the support
You can’t run away from your own dogma girl…..
So deal with it.

SURFing Process

F$%K … Recasting

By

In my process of getting out of character (SURF) the hardest part for ME is recasting. It is the point where I know what I am doing is perpetuating pain and I have to change but the question is what and how and where and when.
And i am not moving…not doing my class…no studio…just tried to get time at little Haiti and one door was locked- one was taken and the theater was setting lights as i heard the sound and knew there was someone in the light booth..

Where is ALONE….

Today i realized that

I have wanted my own artistic VOice for a long while and I have it and it is so strong that it isn’t letting me work with anyone or any company or any message that isn’t on the same path.
THUS it has become clear that it is…
dibiulitaing to me NOT to have my own company…

Knowing what I can’t do without causing me pain pushing me into a corner of the ONE and ONLY thing I Can do.

Officially establish my company
My PLACE to do MY work and work with like minded creative that are in line with ME…

Artist that are here to spread LOVE
Not pain
Artist that are healed or demand to try and be
Artist that let go and move on and forgive
Artist that take responsibility
Artist that have empathy
Strong ALPHA voices that have vision and alphaness
People who can hold me

I am heading to the graphic designer to create the SURF logo
So i can take my freind up on talking at the chamber and introduce officially to the city my company. My Artistic Company

I can set a date for the next show and how stories are our passions…seeing the story you are in and choosing to shift what is needed form your position and with those you live with so that you can have a better version of your story…pas-present and future.

Transforming through performance…

So my a issue in my tissue is that i am an amazing pleaser and I have to stop activating that becasue it is not aligned…I am pleasing others before myself and that is never a good thing. I can’t do it anymore and this last part – the accommodating – I have no time for that-

This is the year of pleasing Susie…If it pleases me…

Now I must lift weights and strengthen my core-

solidification

RECASTING AS
A strong older woman with wrinkles and a voice!
Cue the kitchen walls as they fall open like a house of cards and the world is revealed and I am free- Flowing and forgiven.

List
Logo for SURF
Trademark name
Class and process
Venue for Edinbough

S