i am sitting in my front yard- it is 5:07 am. I am up. I have been up since 3:01- I went to bed a little too early or my mind is racing or perhaps I am in recasting…I am in understanding..I am in them both…..
The story is that we are all about to get a virus…hopefully we all get through it…we are all about to change…molecularly or emotionally or spiritually.
your life choices and out outlooks are being challenged and if you had any doubts…about any of it…they will come out .
I have none.
For the past five years or maybe 11. somewhere in there…I have made choices about my life that are based on having one universal engine running my ship…
that engine is love and kindness and it took a ton of work for me as an actor trained to hold on to stories to be able to use them…to actually let them go.
I let them go and let them go and eventually i ended up here…in the exact pain that you are in but the only difference is that mine is not tapping into past trauma…not much at least…because my past trauma has been healed based on my belief that you can be light and worthy.
I urge you to ask for forgiveness from anyone you think that HURT you…so that you can be set free and set them free from that pain body that has the ability to magnetize other pain towards it.
Maintain happiness and joy and kindness as much as possible…ward off the dark and hardships…don’t read the news or listen to it..don’t even get on social media long because it is like smoke..it will seep into you and your effort to maintain a open heart and a healthy outlook will be less and less.
Focus on your essentials…on your moment to moment desires wants and joy seek…JOY SEEK J O Y SEEK.
Remember the song the dance…
sitting at home with NOTHING to do…a luxury…for sure….a difficult thing for me to accept about my life..that I have this luxury….but the reading of a review of “The Marvelous Mrs. Mazel” has awoken me to the fact that I have been able to create a life of luxury.
What is luxury to me…the ability to do my art, love my family, be a good friend and not feel the need to save the world.
Luxury…that lacking of desperation…lacking of feeling that I have to change the world in ways beyond my means…that I have to harbor other people and pay for their rent or help someone through their emotional issues or save anyone…that luxury that perhaps I am not meant to HELP anymore has released me from a great deal of suffering.
I have chosen to rather LOVE…to be myself to people…to offer honesty in response to pain and to hold them…or allow them to hold me…I have stopped placing myself in places that cause me anxiety.
I have done this gracefully and I have done this kindly and I feel it is fair. It is what is best for me and in the end for others. I am not a huge extrovert. I like to be around people but not fully engaged at all times with them…I am quiet among them now and I am calmer among them now and in that I feel safer….I don’t put my entire self on the table but I place parts of myself..my real self that I am willing to share..up there.
I have been playing the role of Mrs. Keith Wade.in a play…#miamiMotelStories MIMO..A woman who is stuck in a Marriage that is providing enough stability for her but not enough passion or freedom. The juxtaposition against my own life makes me see how much I have molded my marriage and my life into the LUXURY LIFESTYLE I dreamed about.
Things come to me…are offered to me and I accept them…I am not pushy or aggressive and I find it much kinder…my life..
I awake up to a dream- it was about a table I placed outside to get rid of..and wanted to get rid of…somehow it was back in the house…representing old habits I think and I woke up a bit insecure about things and I called Steve who had already been up and out taking Jaedon to school and I spoke to him about it..but really it was not back in the house…it was still outside …so why the call…why give energy to those dreams at all? Perhaps I think they are warnings…so I talk them through…see what they feel like and in the end I think…
All is well…I am home…safe and sound…my lovely husband is at work in a career he adores and is doing well at…I am keeping my children in my heart and letting them be free and allowing them time with their family despite time away for me…I am offering them the same freedom they have allowed me during this process of the show and it is amazing…
Being satiated by the work I am doing in this play..building a loving character I am joyful to perform…having chosen that role and not accepted an angry one I am being kind to myself…to my journey to my empathetic molecules….and having respect for my character and letting her NOT invade my life because the holes that she could have come through as I said…in my past POSTS are filled are healed and my marriage is indeed at a different level…A Luxury Marriage for sure.
When wondering where the truth lies I suggest finding an actor to discuss the situation. WHY?
Well, we are trained in great story telling…we are trained to find the Achilles heel of the character..we are trained to cover it up and we are trained to allow it to destroy things..even our own happiness….for the sake of DRAMA…EGO…ENTERTAINMENT…PRICE OF ADMISSION.
We love this the way an archeologist loves digging up memories…we love this because we thrive of relationships and positions and then the CLIMAX…the resolve the resolution….we thrive on the ART of telling a really great story…
Most actors would rather a REALLY great story then a happy one…we bend to the excitement…so if you implore us to examine your story…we will mark your drama you angst and how YOU as a participant are perpetuating it….and if you own our diagnosis… you will instantly be set free…because the curtain will close the lights will come on and everyone will be board …watching you…and that…is when you are in flow…a ripple on the ocean…nothing to look at here….
BUT not many can remain in that state long..it borders on boredom.
however kind and loving and whole and peaceful it is…so
Find a loving actor to talk with and I promise you you will see you life in the most beautiful way and the people in your life for exactly who they are and why they are in YOUR play… you will be able to step back and watch..and enjoy and direct and adjust as you see fit…
well…you can only adjust your character but in that the whole story is shifted and sometimes it is just that look…that turn of the head…that entrance a moment t00 s00n or t00 late that changes the vibe –
Funny little thing….
I haven’t Drunk anything for months and then in comes a freind and I have two drinks one night and then a week later at Halloween I pour a rum which I never drink and then last night a glass of wine at dinner after yoga.
I am getting over a cold from working my toosh off and feel that the push to reactivate my acting career has now been established and this desire for a little drink here and there is allotted but
The truth is-
I hate drinking.. I hate how it makes me feel——what is does to me…the things i’ve Done while on it…forgiven but still…and yet I had been having them and it is funny how things you don’t like can become habits becasue you do them once and then twice and then three times and now you have to check in…
I think this is why many people don’t venture outside their comfort zone in case they tap into a darker element and like it and that happens to me a lot.
I am trying to learn how to respond to things that don’t align with me better self…and rather only tap into my negative and I have found this month has been a LOT about that…and I handled myself super well.
I am a lover mostly and see the good in everyone despite what is does to me…I want to help but this month I have learned the skill of NOT GIVING A FUCK about people…this is an amazing feeling and a tool I am learning is great when being LESS involved..
I am not just working on establishing my own patterns and getting in touch with what this next month will be
I won’t be with my family during the HOLIDAYS—not my nuclear family..well actually I will be with them but not the ones I built the ones i was built into…anyway..
The point is that I am trying to live my acting LIFE and that means I have to make MAJOR sacrifices regarding my kids and husband this month…this month I am working on a play I tried not to be part of but they recast ME and wrote a really nice piece for me and so I was happy to do the job.
I am also learning how NOT to allow people to steal my love…bc one person I see is often companining and it is adicting and I don’t want to be part of it. And so I am going to reschedule my time with her…and see how that Works…I need to be more in my own world and open to meeting NEW people… and right now I am pretty busy with this one person which and whom I love but really…I need a break from the Habit of it all.
I need to stop meeting up with this conversation in my head..it is a BUZZ kill and I need to be around working people…creative working people again….thank goodness I have rehearsal today for the play I almost turne down….