Tag: age

Kitchen

LIES I tell myself

By

finding your own lies is fun. it undoes you. it teaches you again who you are NOT and in that you can be a little closer to who you are…right now….

I have had a Fraxel peel. I have decided to do this to help perhaps prevent more Basel cells…or perhaps because I am vain or perhaps because my industry can be harsh and perhaps because I am growing old…ER.

I have a Fraxel peel and removed scars and sun damage and a thin layer of skin and in that…I was in the Derm office and back in the beauty conversation again and in that…in that…I owned my present self

My present self is dealing with death. She is dancing with her in my lines….in how I am seen through the eyes of others and how much ticking time in my backward counting calendar I have still

I am gong backwards in my life I have found…back and back and back to what…to a time where I was young and free and untainted and then what…

What happens when I get there…. I still have wrinkles….I still have expressive lines and so I try again to remove those and I slip…I watch myself slipping…down the rabbit hole of beauty unattained…into a world of frozen expression and I pray it doesn’t work

that the dab or release is not enough to undue my hard-earned lines because even tough they are difficult to look at on a screen…I doubt I’ll be on that massive screen…but on a stage…they are good for communicating to the last row…this is truth…I am not strong enough in so many ways to keep myself from myself…

I hope this TUESDAY is the last time I visit the Derm…but it won’t be…I will waddle the LINE line for ever…somedays I will love my face and all I have it saying and some days I will not and ask for relief in a needle or a laser and that is my dance…in duplicity in owning myself and my inability to be extreme anymore.

I am nothing…neither here or there…I am nothing…I can’t make strong decisions because in that strong decision I become judgmental…I undue myself often and always

That is the joy, the lesson I get from acting…undoing who I am ..un doing what I believe…questioning my campus…and then
as this point…asking for assistance…

Someone to be an administrative person so I can continue to be the artist…an assistant …a smart organized person who has no desire to be onstage…who enjoys the details and the perfection of spelling and paragraphs and
grammar…a person who cares about these things. These rules…

a kind, organized, self-motivated, smart person who is accountable…to themselves and then to me.

I am interested in getting help…but not the help most people think I need…I am getting help to be more myself. In the sky with diamonds…and I am grateful I can ask for it.
s

BOTOX LESS Kitchen

the BOTOX LOBOTOMY generation and the repercussions

By

When I was in High school there was an acting teacher..a very disturbed one… that informed me of the very important F.F.L. look i needed to master for any casting call I might go on.

The F.F.L stood for the Freshly Fucked Look. It consisted of hair that was messy and a look on my dewy face that was satiated, pleased and relaxed…very very relaxed.

I was 16 years old and I was being informed that my fuckability was my value…a value…something I need to know how to use.

Fast forward I am 44 and I am fighting with my forehead lines…the one that he mentioned to be in my acting class…were NOT FFL at all and said.. ” you need to relax your forehead!” RELAX…..

This keeps in my head because as I grow OLDER and my LINES become more established I become in his mind and in the mind of the biz…more and more UN-FUCK-ABLE- less and and  less valued..

So I have in the past and women do try as much as they can N0T to have those lines and the perfect cure seemed to be BOTOX but…for me…as an actress…with botox…the feelings…the feeling receptors in my face…began to mute…I can’t feel it…So all I end up doing is PRESENTING…ACTING with a capital A essentially  FAKING it..

I still go back to a child looking at a mother trying to get that empathetic response and she can’t give it bc her face is frozen and what the body hears from that in
I AM NOT BEING HEARD>>>>I AM NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD>>>>I AM NOT CONNECTING>>>>>

This is what working with BOTOX people feels like to me so I am only assuming…a child innate being feels that way too.

I am NOT BEING RECEIVED…and that is where we as liberated women are…still cashing in on our fuckable account…our male gaze Credit cards we are cashing in on…trying to de dept free while the hole time using the secret credit card….

Doesn’t work = gotta pay to play

Yesterday or so an article about BOTOX helping with DEPRESSION came out in EllE Magazine

..this was proof of what I have been saying for years…as my lines grew and I aged…you face affects your feelings

So if it is mainstream why hasn’t my DR. told me they KNOW about emotional mutation from Botox…UMMMMM HELLO

If you mute emotional receptors….in your face through freezing and you are NOT clinically depressed…. you will also mute the JOY receptors also….it is just science… you can’t choose what to feel and what not to feel without hindering you entire experience on this earth..

It is tough…loosing my MALE GAZE and not even wanting it…and returning to my inner worth…it is SOOOOOOO hard…..but eliminating a visceral experience on purpose that could lead me to a clearer understanding of who and what and how I move through this earth…well…that just seems so similar to the Lobotomies we cringe at.

I am sure a couple decades..like with my implants and all the harm those can really cause..the long term affects of trying to remain FUCKABLE to the Male Gaze will have it’s coming …ha…but even more so the muting of empathetic expressions….

Why has the world become so Don’t give a fuck?
It is because most of the women I know look like NOTHING bothers them… and although appearances are not everything….they are important with how we feel we are and how and who we show the world…

I have lines…
I am 44 years old
I’d still fuck me….I think..

TO all those beautiful women crossing over to your own power…it comes at a cost.. you can’t stay 25 for ever and you can’t become wise without wisdom and wisdom comes from understanding your experiences…and if you mute them…this one life you have…will be dampened…just like anything else..

Yes I get sad

Yes I get Mad

Yes I get Angry

Yes I get Joyful

Yes I know you can’t choose to abort an emotion as an actor… although I have tried..I have attempted to choose happy roles but in the end the goodness has a tinge of sadness in them…always…no real role is monogrammatic……

bitter sweet chocolate and a bitter sweet life..in the end is rich and fulfilling.

I am all about beautiful beings and love and kindness…and it is not an external thing but only those on the inside can feel it…

there is a cross in the path now..some will go right and some will go left and at the end we will mesh into the ground and become one…

till then- venture on your own path…own it with all your might and let loose and love…and learn that beauty fades despite the ADS but not ETERNAL BEAUTY.
Cherished  love  forgive…
even your own faults….
mostly those.

Kitchen

TOUGHHHHHH couple of weeks

By

Steve has a HUGE personality and when he is in a mood it seeps into the house…into the walls..into the windows….I am the same…my moods are more in the air in the lights and in the sounds of the drawers closing but we are equal…but this last one…this last bit of WEATHER…was intense….it came from the north and hovered around and as much as I tried to avoid it…well…it wasn’t happening…

I absorb….I absorb energy and often I can walk away but this …when it is in your house….well I am shit out of luck..

My mom can slip it off her back…any type of annoying energy….I am the opposite..it seeps in and becomes mine..

I drove home today after dropping my son at school with tears in my eyes…streaming down my face while I scooted my convertible over the causeways and the cool morning air pressed my tears into my years…

I am getting old..my husband is in a mood and other than that life is amazing…this is how I know it isn’t me…I am working …I am executing…I am getting cast …I am doing me…no need for tears in my life…but for the wrinkles but these tears were deep chest tears…

He on the other hand is still trying to accept himself and can’t stop talking about business…has been the past three week…I will bring up anything…any topic and he can relate it back to business… super OCD and super like my father with the freaking condos.

My photos I took for my updated headshot are surely UPDATED…I am sun damages and wrinkly skin and it hurts my ego…I don’t even have fake boobs to rest my chin on…I am nothing…I have become nothing and in that… the wind blows through me sometimes and gives me the shivers…

I do however have my first private lesson coming up at the end of the month… I am gong to cancel my group classes and just do privates….I am going to cancel the rest of the month at Tropical Vinyasa as it has become more of a chore

I am meeting with a writer to talk about my book on Monday…I am gathering monologues written by people who KNOW me…for my upcoming show in Edinburgh so yes….it is mostly Steve

and so I came home we walked to our room and we had a talk…we had sex no we made love…which I have to say was super sweet and I accepted ….that my husband is a huge ball of amazing energy that gets tied up into a knot and while he is trying to get himself out he tends to bump into me a hell of a lot with his energy BALLS and it sucks but at least he talks …he wants to talk through it…we have viciously honest talks about life and age and forever and we never seem to ever…want to walk away…we are magnetized to each others for the good and the bad of it…

I was thinking my soul may wish my life was more calm …although I have only had two calm relationships in my life…with really sweet guys who smothered me in love…but in the end…couldn’t hold me..

so my soul may wish for gentler times but for now my man is STILL very much a MAN an amazing ALLPHA male trying with all his might to figure out how to unhinge himself from the rest of the DICKs and it hurts…it must feel like someone is puling off his skin…the outer layer he has used or use at times to get what you need to get done…and it it a tough piece of chicken fat keeping it attached…but today…we got closer

I told him he is difficult and he agreed…he accepted it…YANK

His grandfather was married 6 times…I get it…and all his wives drank….I get it…
I am born into a family of bearish woman…so I can seem to handle it…I cry I talk I pop the emotional pimple and we are free.

Kitchen

Hello…..critical eye

By

THe hardest thing for me about NOT doing BOTOX..is when a person I love who does do BOTOX comes over and looks at me and I think I know that all they are thinking is UGH..”why doesn’t Susie deal with those crazy ass lines on her face?”

I just got home from an audition where the guy said, as I walked in..you are beautiful…so the thing is we have to understand who we are going to listen to – Men, Women…ourselves… all of it! Many people have said that to me as I walk into a room. I think there is a vibe when I am in my actor role that I internally shine…I happened to do a wonderful audition and I was thrilled…I immediately put on music and drove away and let the character dissolve before i returned home…

Anyway..

Although I love my botoxed friends and think they mostly look amazing and young…I have to remember that I am answering to a higher authority..the film and theater world that creates stories and the story I want to tell or at the the perspective of the story I want to tell is from a person who has learned -eventually -to accept her age and yes…there are porcelen faces all around me and yet I look great frozenish too but

I am somehow here to say…THe breast were enough of a falsehood for a lifetime…Lesson is that “Lies and Susie” don’t go well. I tend to confuse them for fact and build a world on those lies and then I end up in a false version of myself…a FAKE reality and when I am in acting the most important thing I need to have is a REAL HOME WITH REAL PEOPLE AND REAL STORIES

I am MUCH more honest now and in my honesty I have to admit I am growing older everyday and I will be looking more and more like my elders everyday and although I want to try and stop time from time to time the only way to stop it is to end it and that…that is not my desire.

I love looking at my children and seeing them age and I hope the same for them to me. Steve is not into fake and he now has a sense for is so it kind of works out for both of us for me to stay honest

On that note I am going to double down on my hood and build on to my house and release any desire to upgrade becasue as the end of the day I am just interested in being me and doing me and this is where i am growing…

I literally just had an audition with a women who I met at my gym a few years ago. I am in the right city- it is all going to evolve and I want to evolve with it.And again in order to evolve I am going to have to allow myself to gracefully kindly grow older.

Susie.