sitting at home with NOTHING to do…a luxury…for sure….a difficult thing for me to accept about my life..that I have this luxury….but the reading of a review of “The Marvelous Mrs. Mazel” has awoken me to the fact that I have been able to create a life of luxury.
What is luxury to me…the ability to do my art, love my family, be a good friend and not feel the need to save the world.
Luxury…that lacking of desperation…lacking of feeling that I have to change the world in ways beyond my means…that I have to harbor other people and pay for their rent or help someone through their emotional issues or save anyone…that luxury that perhaps I am not meant to HELP anymore has released me from a great deal of suffering.
I have chosen to rather LOVE…to be myself to people…to offer honesty in response to pain and to hold them…or allow them to hold me…I have stopped placing myself in places that cause me anxiety.
I have done this gracefully and I have done this kindly and I feel it is fair. It is what is best for me and in the end for others. I am not a huge extrovert. I like to be around people but not fully engaged at all times with them…I am quiet among them now and I am calmer among them now and in that I feel safer….I don’t put my entire self on the table but I place parts of myself..my real self that I am willing to share..up there.
I have been playing the role of Mrs. Keith Wade.in a play…#miamiMotelStories MIMO..A woman who is stuck in a Marriage that is providing enough stability for her but not enough passion or freedom. The juxtaposition against my own life makes me see how much I have molded my marriage and my life into the LUXURY LIFESTYLE I dreamed about.
Things come to me…are offered to me and I accept them…I am not pushy or aggressive and I find it much kinder…my life..
I awake up to a dream- it was about a table I placed outside to get rid of..and wanted to get rid of…somehow it was back in the house…representing old habits I think and I woke up a bit insecure about things and I called Steve who had already been up and out taking Jaedon to school and I spoke to him about it..but really it was not back in the house…it was still outside …so why the call…why give energy to those dreams at all? Perhaps I think they are warnings…so I talk them through…see what they feel like and in the end I think…
All is well…I am home…safe and sound…my lovely husband is at work in a career he adores and is doing well at…I am keeping my children in my heart and letting them be free and allowing them time with their family despite time away for me…I am offering them the same freedom they have allowed me during this process of the show and it is amazing…
Being satiated by the work I am doing in this play..building a loving character I am joyful to perform…having chosen that role and not accepted an angry one I am being kind to myself…to my journey to my empathetic molecules….and having respect for my character and letting her NOT invade my life because the holes that she could have come through as I said…in my past POSTS are filled are healed and my marriage is indeed at a different level…A Luxury Marriage for sure.