When I was in High school there was an acting teacher..a very disturbed one… that informed me of the very important F.F.L. look i needed to master for any casting call I might go on.
The F.F.L stood for the Freshly Fucked Look. It consisted of hair that was messy and a look on my dewy face that was satiated, pleased and relaxed…very very relaxed.
I was 16 years old and I was being informed that my fuckability was my value…a value…something I need to know how to use.
Fast forward I am 44 and I am fighting with my forehead lines…the one that he mentioned to be in my acting class…were NOT FFL at all and said.. ” you need to relax your forehead!” RELAX…..
This keeps in my head because as I grow OLDER and my LINES become more established I become in his mind and in the mind of the biz…more and more UN-FUCK-ABLE- less and and less valued..
So I have in the past and women do try as much as they can N0T to have those lines and the perfect cure seemed to be BOTOX but…for me…as an actress…with botox…the feelings…the feeling receptors in my face…began to mute…I can’t feel it…So all I end up doing is PRESENTING…ACTING with a capital A essentially FAKING it..
I still go back to a child looking at a mother trying to get that empathetic response and she can’t give it bc her face is frozen and what the body hears from that in
I AM NOT BEING HEARD>>>>I AM NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD>>>>I AM NOT CONNECTING>>>>>
This is what working with BOTOX people feels like to me so I am only assuming…a child innate being feels that way too.
I am NOT BEING RECEIVED…and that is where we as liberated women are…still cashing in on our fuckable account…our male gaze Credit cards we are cashing in on…trying to de dept free while the hole time using the secret credit card….
Doesn’t work = gotta pay to play
Yesterday or so an article about BOTOX helping with DEPRESSION came out in EllE Magazine
..this was proof of what I have been saying for years…as my lines grew and I aged…you face affects your feelings
So if it is mainstream why hasn’t my DR. told me they KNOW about emotional mutation from Botox…UMMMMM HELLO
If you mute emotional receptors….in your face through freezing and you are NOT clinically depressed…. you will also mute the JOY receptors also….it is just science… you can’t choose what to feel and what not to feel without hindering you entire experience on this earth..
It is tough…loosing my MALE GAZE and not even wanting it…and returning to my inner worth…it is SOOOOOOO hard…..but eliminating a visceral experience on purpose that could lead me to a clearer understanding of who and what and how I move through this earth…well…that just seems so similar to the Lobotomies we cringe at.
I am sure a couple decades..like with my implants and all the harm those can really cause..the long term affects of trying to remain FUCKABLE to the Male Gaze will have it’s coming …ha…but even more so the muting of empathetic expressions….
Why has the world become so Don’t give a fuck?
It is because most of the women I know look like NOTHING bothers them… and although appearances are not everything….they are important with how we feel we are and how and who we show the world…
I have lines…
I am 44 years old
I’d still fuck me….I think..
TO all those beautiful women crossing over to your own power…it comes at a cost.. you can’t stay 25 for ever and you can’t become wise without wisdom and wisdom comes from understanding your experiences…and if you mute them…this one life you have…will be dampened…just like anything else..
Yes I get sad
Yes I get Mad
Yes I get Angry
Yes I get Joyful
Yes I know you can’t choose to abort an emotion as an actor… although I have tried..I have attempted to choose happy roles but in the end the goodness has a tinge of sadness in them…always…no real role is monogrammatic……
bitter sweet chocolate and a bitter sweet life..in the end is rich and fulfilling.
I am all about beautiful beings and love and kindness…and it is not an external thing but only those on the inside can feel it…
there is a cross in the path now..some will go right and some will go left and at the end we will mesh into the ground and become one…
till then- venture on your own path…own it with all your might and let loose and love…and learn that beauty fades despite the ADS but not ETERNAL BEAUTY.
Cherished love forgive…
even your own faults….
mostly those.