Tag: Forgiveness

Acting HEALTH Kitchen

Want a euphoric present? Rewrite your past.

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I work with memories. New ones, old ones, false ones and forced ones. 

As an actor I have come to understand the power of believing a thought.

if something “isn’t working” during rehearsal…it  is usually traced back to a belief system that the actor has. Their belief  is then tweaked until the actor gives the director the reaction they are looking for. ( pleaser)

I was recently in rehearsal for a HOT and CURRENT and RElATIVE play. I also believed it was a funny play and that I would enjoy the work. I went in with both feet.

As we began rehearsal via zoom  and a I started working in the role…researching the role..I came to  see that the funny part was for the audience…the role was much darker. I proceeded with caution.

I began brush shoulders with my character, but didn’t want to fully commit to her thought process. I know myself. I get stuck in character easily. I knew that as soon as I sat down with her belief system, my own personal belief system would be adjusted. We I had two months till the play even officially opened. I was cautious because in that that time I would be traveling with my family and I didn’t want this role one my family vacation and not me. THis has happened to me in the past and it wasn’t something i wanted to experience again.

After the director kept saying

“i see the role and then I don’t …you go in and out…”

I informed him of my decision to move slowly and take my time becomign the role. I told him my process, my weakness and why I needed to go in and out during the three hour rehearsals.

For him to speak to me as Susie when we were doing notes in between runs and not as the ROLE.

I said..”when we are in real rehearsal, a week prior to opening, she will be here.”

I felt we were in a good place and I trusted him and hoped he woudl trust me.

But, then he started doing the classic and very effective AS IF techniques..

this is where a director asks you to relate to the story from a aspect of your own story. As if STEVE your husband was the one dying…etc etc. It happens innocently but it is so effective tha tis hard for anyone to resist. Memory is easily manipulated when you believe you are in a trusting space.

I HAVE OFTEN SPOKEN TO MY STUDENT OF THIS.

Do not let someone destroy your healed stories.

Walk into a smokey bar you will get second hand smoke…it is hard to avoid if it is happening..

Do not allow directors to use family dynamics to activate your perspective of pain in order to relate to the character and then project that to the audience. Your pain in limited at best and vengeful and not conscious enough to artfully navigate. Image and be inspired by another’s pain..in order to empathise and create colors and depth…You are not the deepest well of emotions. Your imagination is. Trust it.”

That would be picking at a wound that has healed and has a scar..it is demonstrative to your core sense of self/family and hurtful to you as an artist.

Actors do not need to feed off their own personal pain in order to act

Rehearsal then became in person and eventually was in MY SPACE. That is where the very talented director began to associate my life and my characters. All of a sudden the scabs that were healing begin to be picked at. My healed family relationship I worked years on re-remembering for a kinder brighter present began to quickly unravel and to warp.

Memory is a game and it is easy to remember pain..pain is the easiest emotion to access. Especially of a person one you devoted much time in pertetruatin. It is essentially a HABIT

It was a huge lesson for me to experience…playing the most antithesis person I could. get my head around her story and then having the amazing experience of being in a room with a classic director that uses emotional recall.

I also felt it is almost impossible for a director to trust an actor will get there if they have never worked with them before and this was also part of it.

I tried to express the concept of trust but TRUST in elf is really the important part of this.  I watched myself resist his technique. I knew so well but due to my familiarity with it…part of me secumbered. I wanted to please him after all and soon enough my anger for my past perpetuated family stories opened up

I have since had to let go of this role…in order to preserve both my perspective of my family and my respect for my own process of creating character. How an actor builds their story is i-personal. How they get needs to be visceral chosen and understood my the actor in order for them to get THEMSELVES out.

It is like a consciousness hypnosis we do to ourselves. we get in then we can get out…

If you are being told how to remember something…you can early loose your hold on your own version of the story.

This technique and all the issues it has  is proved in the work of memory recall and even in police intvetigate. Being in a room long enough with someone who wants you  believe something will force you to believe it. Especially if you feel you are safe, that they believe you…that they are not forcing their will on you.

However..most of us are always manipulating people. We are doing it to each other all the time. We believe that if you believe what I believe they we are seen and heard…connected..we exist…

 ( think first dates)

Memory is able to be manipulated.

So if you want a JOYFUL life…re-remember your past…recreate a loving perspective of your childhood. Search and find the LIGHT..WHY?

WHY NOT?

I don’t think we can ever truly be content with our present …unless we are content with the past.

This is NOT about finding the pain and perpetuating it…vilifying people….holding them accountable..

It is more about challenging yourself to see the light, changing your perspective on your present state in order to SURF in joy, and then grab that RAY of sunshine and view your past through it.

SO- I believe we are free to change who we are by changing what we have been told, sold and belief about our past. This works both ways, often flipping back and forth from pain to peace…Eventually one must win..

Lets choose peace

Therapist need us to remain in pain in order to sustain their business..

I am challenging you to rewrite a past story…

1)own your own ability to perpetrate other people..even and especially by your negative thoughts.

2) Choose joy

3) Release those that have perpetrated you from your negative hold by asking them to forgive you for holding them in a negative role for all these years…limiting their ability to heal.

  • Ho’oponopono Prayer
  • X ( name of the person you are holding as villian)
  • Please forgive me
  • I am sorry
  • I love you
  • Thank you

We are who we are because of the way we have formulated the story.

Science and research has proven that our memory is scattered at best.

Pain, real or imagined, is held in the body

Manipulate yourself to be joyful..release the pain for your own well being.

why not?

WHY THE FUCK NOT.

childhood bliss

THrough my SURF process we learn to trust and channel a foreign version of pain , one that will not hit up right against our recently healed stories and then UNHEAL them.

Kitchen

Acting Enough-

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The other day I went cra cra bc Steve thought a yoga certification would be good for me…I went CRAZY-

The why–that usually comes weeks later…the why is because THIS ME- doesn’t want a safety net-

I have followed WISE advise like this…from the start- from my 20s…got my fitness certification as soon as I arrived in New York to help me be an actor…then I got a gig at a bar as a cigar girl as a cocktail waitress…personal trainer…to help me be an actor and then I temped and then pole dancing teacher then event coordinator and then bibbitec inventor and then mom and then teacher AGAIN and then and then…ALL of these…so I could ACT. Because as we are told…ACTING won’t pay the bills or rather acting isn’t ENOUGH.

Funny thing is though…as a scientist who usually tests ideas out…I bought this SAFETY NET one hook line and sinker…and at this moment in time..-the yoga certification moment- when the idea of splicing myself yet again was suggested the true part of me I have recently reintroduced as my captain..my younger self…my authentic self…who I have fired to rule my direction aggressively went after the YOGA concept and chopped it up into pieces then ate it then pooped it out then loved it then said ” we can go that way but I choose NOT TO!”…I choose to stay the course with acting THIS TIME…this pause in acting work is not a pause it is a RECOVERY till my next ACTING job…and here is what happened since ..I fully committed myself to it for perhaps the first time in ever….

I was cast twice in two plays that with dove tail each other. I was recruited into a sketch comedy crew…I united some goddess woman who will be brining my one woman show to Edinburgh -I shot a commercial- I was requested twice for films I can’t do- I was offered to be part of a healing retreat for actors. and you see. in this experiment, I proved this….

Acting is enough…if you let it be…and my loves so are you…if you allow it….if you love it fully from every angle.

MIND the pauses…bc pause…that happens after shows and gigs is when the rational mind…aka Steve…suggests something stable…something more in line with the NORM…something to elevate the pain of coming off of things…of letting go..a buffer…I have learned to honor that time- play reconnect and reset….

SIDE NOTE: all the things I did to allow me to ACT actually informed me and made me the actor I am today -so I guess in the end…timing…my dear loves…TIMING is everything!
BUT one must remember when the need for an assist is gone and the time to break through is upon you. When your authentic self is done practicing and ready to MAKE IT!

I LOVE YOU…all of you….even if I never met you even if we don’t get along…regardless. We are united in love and that part of us is universally and forever in love with each other.

S

Susie K Taylor.
Photo credit
Alisa Rauner Photography

SURFing Process

F$%K … Recasting

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In my process of getting out of character (SURF) the hardest part for ME is recasting. It is the point where I know what I am doing is perpetuating pain and I have to change but the question is what and how and where and when.
And i am not moving…not doing my class…no studio…just tried to get time at little Haiti and one door was locked- one was taken and the theater was setting lights as i heard the sound and knew there was someone in the light booth..

Where is ALONE….

Today i realized that

I have wanted my own artistic VOice for a long while and I have it and it is so strong that it isn’t letting me work with anyone or any company or any message that isn’t on the same path.
THUS it has become clear that it is…
dibiulitaing to me NOT to have my own company…

Knowing what I can’t do without causing me pain pushing me into a corner of the ONE and ONLY thing I Can do.

Officially establish my company
My PLACE to do MY work and work with like minded creative that are in line with ME…

Artist that are here to spread LOVE
Not pain
Artist that are healed or demand to try and be
Artist that let go and move on and forgive
Artist that take responsibility
Artist that have empathy
Strong ALPHA voices that have vision and alphaness
People who can hold me

I am heading to the graphic designer to create the SURF logo
So i can take my freind up on talking at the chamber and introduce officially to the city my company. My Artistic Company

I can set a date for the next show and how stories are our passions…seeing the story you are in and choosing to shift what is needed form your position and with those you live with so that you can have a better version of your story…pas-present and future.

Transforming through performance…

So my a issue in my tissue is that i am an amazing pleaser and I have to stop activating that becasue it is not aligned…I am pleasing others before myself and that is never a good thing. I can’t do it anymore and this last part – the accommodating – I have no time for that-

This is the year of pleasing Susie…If it pleases me…

Now I must lift weights and strengthen my core-

solidification

RECASTING AS
A strong older woman with wrinkles and a voice!
Cue the kitchen walls as they fall open like a house of cards and the world is revealed and I am free- Flowing and forgiven.

List
Logo for SURF
Trademark name
Class and process
Venue for Edinbough

S

Kitchen

Acting….the mind of us and dissociative identity disorder

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I just heard about Dissociative identity disorder and it reminds me of what method actors like myself deal with…

If people can developed DID from trauma (during their early years) that is repetitive then by accessing personal trauma to create a role and then repeating it in a play or movie you can also build an ALTER ego…which is hard to get rid of…and most don’t even try to or are aware of it.

When the ALTER CHARACTER for an actor is created by tapping into their personal memory or traumas the ALTER will blend with YOU- intertwine…

If you have found peace with your traumas of your past and used forgiveness and asked them to forgive you and truly released the charge then…the ALTER/CHARACTER you create while you act is not meshed with your personal trauma and you can indeed get out of character when you finish the job if you allow yourself the time for rehabilitation.

If you don’t rehab- your fluid memory skills might absorb the characters trauma as yours…for example. Think of a person who had a knee injury and after time is was healed but the person still limped. This is bc the mind hasn’t really been retrained to know the injury doesn’t need to be protected-

Also each trauma is an ego and egos don’t willingly die and the only way to RELEASE them- i have found- is with soft kind uncharged love. The least amount of energy needed will indeed release the trauma- because if you aggressively go in… you will have that trauma aggressively dig in or return in some sort of Trigger.

Thus my Method…SURF  was created…a movement therapy like process that involves a performance aspect that releases the EGO through unconscious movement lead PERHAPS by our authentic healed self..

I wish someone who worked with Dissociative identity disorder would talk with me and what I have learned about myself and other actors who use their pain for their art.

Two fold- they hurt themselves and others as they project pain into the content and thus into the threads that weave our society

Kitchen

HEY OLD SELF.

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I finally got around to watching Tully. IT reminded me of a sketch I wrote and filmed about four years ago. It was such a special moment in my life and I worked with such a special women. Unforntualy I wasn’t able to keep her close and we have since separated but maybe that is the truth…you can’t keep all of you when you are evolving…
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YDqZljVP86sA ROOM OF MY OWN.

Here is the full script…FULL SCRIPT READ ALONGI loved this time of my life- right before I entered back into acting and now…as I exit…the process begins again…I think IT IS TIME I write a new skit…where the older susie in this story meets up with me.

I MISS MY OLDER SUSIE——

Kitchen

Hello …Hoʻoponopono

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The prayer of Ho’oponopono is as I learned it to let go of the TIDES the generational pain you carry so as to not transfer them to the next one. IT is based on the idea of the lineage of emotional pain.

You say the name of the person that you have an “issue with” ( past or present
Then say
Please forgive me
I am sorry
I love you
Thank you

You will find that it is difficult for you to do for certain people and those are the people you need to keep saying this to until you don’t have difficulty doing it.

For me it was like I was slowly releasing  myself from a rope that was tied around my neck and with each repetition over time it was a thread that broke until I was free and so was the person I did the prayer for…

THe prayer is Hawaiian and it was given to me by a Reike teacher who told me to say it for the people I claim have hurt me. At the time the list was long. I was late 30ths and I had a colorful life and in it there were missteps but the thing about this prayer, for lack of a better word is that it changed the villain from them to me…it gave me a sense of responsibility in the relationship because for one reason or another I was still holding onto it in a negative way. IT needed a correction if I wanted to be set free and who better to set yourself free than your own self.

It was about ME asking for forgiveness of the “people who wronged me” and in that I slowly began to realize that I had created extended pain and stress in my body by holding others in their characters—-their roles in my life. My negative thoughts had warm homes becasue I gave them that place in my body. I allowed them there..THis was a wonderful key that unlocked my own ability to negotiate my thought process and since then…I try to immediately release negative thoughts and then use that grace toward my own desires or destiny…

This energy we have is strong and when you speak ill of someone you can indeed maintain the “pull” that story you are telling yourself has on you.

The wild thing i learned from this experience was that I am NOT my stories or my experiences…I can let them go through forgiveness and movement and in the end I find that I am what I think about…who I see and how I do what I do.

My stories are justification…beliefs that only mean as much as we lean on them

Look at your life, your daily habits- you are all those thoughts and those things…

if you are thinking nastly thoughts about others and yourself…then you are  dare I say nasty person… becasue I have come to learn that being kind means… you can address those thoughts in your own head..and heart…and spend time trying to see the situation from as many angles as possible so that YOUR point of view is just ONE of them and not the only one.

Then you begin to dilute your Nasty thoughts and ask them kindly to leave because as long as you have them… you are them…

I know this because I have spent the last 5 years walking though my life and although I am not friends with everyone in my life..i hold no ill will to anyone…no matter what happened between us and I have asked forgiveness if not personally then spiritually as often as I can until I feel I let them go or vis a versa… because Karma is a boomerang and unless you let people go from what they “did” to you” you will hurt them …maybe more that they ever hurt you and then WHO is the VIllain?

Be sweet because you can…and the world needs that now…don’t be nasty or mean or sarcastic…because it is overplayed…

Be the one that is ok and if you can’t be OK then go and work on trying to be…one relationship at a time.

Xo
S

Kitchen

Letting go …of Botox

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I tried Botox a few years ago. It was great all my lines disappeared and my age went down at least five maybe even ten years. It was amazing…the first time when it went well but the constant returning to the Dr’s office became a drag.

“ THose lines must be driving you crazy” She comes toward me with a vile of relief and the movement of this repetitive action begins to scrape at my internal chord. My chord that was growing stronger..or wanted to. THe desire to know myself.

I decided to try and see what life was like without it…it sucked I grew ten years older over night and felt the power of my prowess dissolve. I expected the frequency of the Male Gaze to drop but it was the female smirks I was now receiving.

Lines on anyone’s forehead are starting to drive people crazy it seems and trying to communicate with loved ones whose expressions were limited was beginning to bother me.

I have chose to explore the road… as best I can… without FAKE things in me. Without limiting my movement and without disgracing my experiences. I am ok- I can’t say I am fully at FLOW with it- but I believe it is the aging process more than anything.

I google reasons not to do it just to keep me centered in the journey but it is harder than I imagined. Becoming OLD in Miami at a day and time when youth and the young hold the power.

I suppose it is part of letting go of a power that perhaps wasn’t mine to begin with because in the end your can’t loose what was never yours.

S