Tag: miami

Kitchen

a year and a half without my implants….and I have almost forgotten….

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who I was with them. That is another meaning of F in S.U.R.F. – I really do forget and it is a good thing…it is a wonderful skill to forget once you have processed….it is a helpful gift that working things really out OUT gives me.

Residue of past roles..exist in us…it is proving to be the reality in my new play as I tap into old stories from my new and improved point of view..there was still residue…with the other people and in this play I suspect there will be more.

Who we are…in this lifetime… changes..often…and more often if you buy a ticket….to the never-ending solor system that is within you.

I have always been self obsessed, from a Doctor point of view. I am amazed at how any person moves through this life and since I am the closest person I know., I have shifted that curiosity to myself 100%. I don’t try too hard to understand why other people do what they do…I try to understand what I am doing and why…

I have become clear and can even understand who I am when I am off center..I can say…oh…this is off center because…guess what? I have felt center every one in a while…..here and there and for longer and longer amounts of times…days and even weeks…so I know who susie Susie is…and I also know who she is in a myriad of situations…while she is off center…

Being able to know thyself is the first step to being true to her. I feel like at this age…45…I am who I am….I am kind to her even when she is mean…I am loving to her even when she is angry and I am patient with her even when she is scared…

I have become my own lover and best friend and in that I have allowed my neediness of other people’s evaluation of me to dwindle. This self awareness work make me less selfish..when I am needed or around others because I am usually so over my stuff I am happy to become involved in others…when needed.

I am myself…and tomorrow I will be an older version of her and so on and so on…I am proud fo her…and her bravery of letting go of things that gave her power…things she falsely prayed to like saline filled boobies and frozen brows…

I may falter later on in life…I may fall back to wanting to be young externally forever but eventually…and logically I realized I will have to cross over into the next wise woman phase one day and why not get a head start with a happy heart?

being older and wiser as a woman can be sexy..right?…. Sexy .in a “you wish you understood what I have viscerally learned”…way.

Kitchen

Goodbye….PLAY…

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A play has always been a sad goodbye…but last night for the first time I was more happy than sad. I knew what I needed to do to maintain this feeling of connection and I was in a place to do it. I was preaching empty words…I was truly acknowledging that the reason I feel disconnected from the actors community is that I left it…as soon as the play was over as though…if I am not in a play I shouldn’t need to be around actors that much but what I have learned is that
Miami has a beautiful theater community built by the schools that are here and the feeling is super kind and loving among the actors for the most part..
It is a comrodery that is you treat it with good will it gives back to you with a truest sense of belonging but I think I felt I was…not truly among them… faker..not talented enough not consistent enough and not participatory enough…but now I see I can be more of those and I am a value and I desire to be part of this Miami World.
I have tried but I think I found a sweet spot and the right angle…just be me and do something small and take along a few kind hearted lovers and see what happens…Getting mad because I didn’t get a grant or a part is so old susie…I can just keep moving forward and doing the work and take what I get when it comes and create when I feel inspired…

Last night an old actor walked into my room while I was doing my last piece and his face was sad…no idea why just sad and it affected my piece and it was fascinating because the type of theater I am doing is truly affected by the people in the room and it is not that we are building and presenting we are offering and collaborating…

Immersive theater is amazing

s

Kitchen

hello…Luxury Marriage

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sitting at home with NOTHING to do…a luxury…for sure….a difficult thing for me to accept about my life..that I have this luxury….but the reading of a review of “The Marvelous Mrs. Mazel” has awoken me to the fact that I have been able to create a life of luxury.

What is luxury to me…the ability to do my art, love my family, be a good friend and not feel the need to save the world.

Luxury…that lacking of desperation…lacking of feeling that I have to change the world in ways beyond my means…that I have to harbor other people and pay for their rent or help someone through their emotional issues or save anyone…that luxury that perhaps I am not meant to HELP anymore has released me from a great deal of suffering.

I have chosen to rather LOVE…to be myself to people…to offer honesty in response to pain and to hold them…or allow them to hold me…I have stopped placing myself in places that cause me anxiety.

I have done this gracefully and I have done this kindly and I feel it is fair. It is what is best for me and in the end for others. I am not a huge extrovert. I like to be around people but not fully engaged at all times with them…I am quiet among them now and I am calmer among them now and in that I feel safer….I don’t put my entire self on the table but I place parts of myself..my real self that I am willing to share..up there.

I have been playing the role of Mrs. Keith Wade.in a play…#miamiMotelStories MIMO..A woman who is stuck in a Marriage that is providing enough stability for her but not enough passion or freedom. The juxtaposition against my own life makes me see how much I have molded my marriage and my life into the LUXURY LIFESTYLE I dreamed about.

Things come to me…are offered to me and I accept them…I am not pushy or aggressive and I find it much kinder…my life..

I awake up to a dream- it was about a table I placed outside to get rid of..and wanted to get rid of…somehow it was back in the house…representing old habits I think and I woke up a bit insecure about things and I called Steve who had already been up and out taking Jaedon to school and I spoke to him about it..but really it was not back in the house…it was still outside …so why the call…why give energy to those dreams at all? Perhaps I think they are warnings…so I talk them through…see what they feel like and in the end I think…

All is well…I am home…safe and sound…my lovely husband is at work in a career he adores and is doing well at…I am keeping my children in my heart and letting them be free and allowing them time with their family despite time away for me…I am offering them the same freedom they have allowed me during this process of the show and it is amazing…

Being satiated by the work I am doing in this play..building a loving character I am joyful to perform…having chosen that role and not accepted an angry one I am being kind to myself…to my journey to my empathetic molecules….and having respect for my character and letting her NOT invade my life because the holes that she could have come through as I said…in my past POSTS are filled are healed and my marriage is indeed at a different level…A Luxury Marriage for sure.

BOTOX LESS Kitchen

the BOTOX LOBOTOMY generation and the repercussions

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When I was in High school there was an acting teacher..a very disturbed one… that informed me of the very important F.F.L. look i needed to master for any casting call I might go on.

The F.F.L stood for the Freshly Fucked Look. It consisted of hair that was messy and a look on my dewy face that was satiated, pleased and relaxed…very very relaxed.

I was 16 years old and I was being informed that my fuckability was my value…a value…something I need to know how to use.

Fast forward I am 44 and I am fighting with my forehead lines…the one that he mentioned to be in my acting class…were NOT FFL at all and said.. ” you need to relax your forehead!” RELAX…..

This keeps in my head because as I grow OLDER and my LINES become more established I become in his mind and in the mind of the biz…more and more UN-FUCK-ABLE- less and and  less valued..

So I have in the past and women do try as much as they can N0T to have those lines and the perfect cure seemed to be BOTOX but…for me…as an actress…with botox…the feelings…the feeling receptors in my face…began to mute…I can’t feel it…So all I end up doing is PRESENTING…ACTING with a capital A essentially  FAKING it..

I still go back to a child looking at a mother trying to get that empathetic response and she can’t give it bc her face is frozen and what the body hears from that in
I AM NOT BEING HEARD>>>>I AM NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD>>>>I AM NOT CONNECTING>>>>>

This is what working with BOTOX people feels like to me so I am only assuming…a child innate being feels that way too.

I am NOT BEING RECEIVED…and that is where we as liberated women are…still cashing in on our fuckable account…our male gaze Credit cards we are cashing in on…trying to de dept free while the hole time using the secret credit card….

Doesn’t work = gotta pay to play

Yesterday or so an article about BOTOX helping with DEPRESSION came out in EllE Magazine

..this was proof of what I have been saying for years…as my lines grew and I aged…you face affects your feelings

So if it is mainstream why hasn’t my DR. told me they KNOW about emotional mutation from Botox…UMMMMM HELLO

If you mute emotional receptors….in your face through freezing and you are NOT clinically depressed…. you will also mute the JOY receptors also….it is just science… you can’t choose what to feel and what not to feel without hindering you entire experience on this earth..

It is tough…loosing my MALE GAZE and not even wanting it…and returning to my inner worth…it is SOOOOOOO hard…..but eliminating a visceral experience on purpose that could lead me to a clearer understanding of who and what and how I move through this earth…well…that just seems so similar to the Lobotomies we cringe at.

I am sure a couple decades..like with my implants and all the harm those can really cause..the long term affects of trying to remain FUCKABLE to the Male Gaze will have it’s coming …ha…but even more so the muting of empathetic expressions….

Why has the world become so Don’t give a fuck?
It is because most of the women I know look like NOTHING bothers them… and although appearances are not everything….they are important with how we feel we are and how and who we show the world…

I have lines…
I am 44 years old
I’d still fuck me….I think..

TO all those beautiful women crossing over to your own power…it comes at a cost.. you can’t stay 25 for ever and you can’t become wise without wisdom and wisdom comes from understanding your experiences…and if you mute them…this one life you have…will be dampened…just like anything else..

Yes I get sad

Yes I get Mad

Yes I get Angry

Yes I get Joyful

Yes I know you can’t choose to abort an emotion as an actor… although I have tried..I have attempted to choose happy roles but in the end the goodness has a tinge of sadness in them…always…no real role is monogrammatic……

bitter sweet chocolate and a bitter sweet life..in the end is rich and fulfilling.

I am all about beautiful beings and love and kindness…and it is not an external thing but only those on the inside can feel it…

there is a cross in the path now..some will go right and some will go left and at the end we will mesh into the ground and become one…

till then- venture on your own path…own it with all your might and let loose and love…and learn that beauty fades despite the ADS but not ETERNAL BEAUTY.
Cherished  love  forgive…
even your own faults….
mostly those.

Kitchen

Goodbye….alcohol

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Funny little thing….

I haven’t Drunk anything for months and then in comes a freind and I have two drinks one night and then a week later at Halloween I pour a rum which I never drink and then last night a glass of wine at dinner after yoga.

I am getting over a cold from working my toosh off and feel that the push to reactivate my acting career has now been established and this desire for a little drink here and there is allotted but
The truth is-

I hate drinking.. I hate how it makes me feel——what is does to me…the things i’ve Done while on it…forgiven but still…and yet I had been having them and it is funny how things you don’t like can become habits becasue you do them once and then twice and then three times and now you have to check in…

I think this is why many people don’t venture outside their comfort zone in case they tap into a darker element and like it and that happens to me a lot.

I am trying to learn how to respond to things that don’t align with me better self…and rather only tap into my negative and I have found this month has been a LOT about that…and I handled myself super well.

I am a lover mostly and see the good in everyone despite what is does to me…I want to help but this month I have learned the skill of NOT GIVING A FUCK about people…this is an amazing feeling and a tool I am learning is great when being LESS involved..

I am not just working on establishing my own patterns and getting in touch with what this next month will be

I won’t be with my family during the HOLIDAYS—not my nuclear family..well actually I will be with them but not the ones I built the ones i was built into…anyway..

The point is that I am trying to live my acting LIFE and that means I have to make MAJOR sacrifices regarding my kids and husband this month…this month I am working on a play I tried not to be part of but they recast ME and wrote a really nice piece for me and so I was happy to do the job.

I am also learning how NOT to allow people to steal my love…bc one person I see is often companining and it is adicting and I don’t want to be part of it. And so I am going to reschedule my time with her…and see how that Works…I need to be more in my own world and open to meeting NEW people… and right now I am pretty busy with this one person which and whom I love but really…I need a break from the Habit of it all.

I need to stop meeting up with this conversation in my head..it is a BUZZ kill and I need to be around working people…creative working people again….thank goodness I have rehearsal today for the play I almost turne down….

Kitchen

Hello….Miami Motel Stories

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THe other night a group of about 30 plus THEATER PEOPLE gathered at a delapitated soon to be remodeled MOTEL on Biscayne Blvd in Miami FLorida.

We were meeting and greeting about a new production that Juggernut is doing and I was in awe of it all.

IT is a huge production with original concepts and scripts and an array of actors that just blew my mind..

I was not excited nor bored I was peaceful I was HOME and in that I realized that sometimes you have to leave everything you know at the door and enter through the kitchen and smell the seasonings to ever really truly love love love your life.

I was one of the oldest people in the room but I was beyond thankful…One actor I had known since I first moved back to mIami in 1999/2000- He told me that if I was going to marry Steve I would end up leaving acting…
He was right…I did…I left I raised kids and I built a marriage and now I am here….sitting near this fortune teller knowing I CHOSE my path and although I have a few more lines on my face and a few more cracks in the heart I am more alive than I have ever been and my acting…well…I am bringing a hole new journey and I think it is going to be amazing..

S

Kitchen

Hello…..working MOTHER

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I am at a presipus….i realize this location becasue I am in unease..I am not used to being pulled away and allowing it to happen…I tend to buckle and release my career and crawl to the side of my children but this month I am going to hold my ground…resist the urge to throw up my arms and rather embrace the feeling of being separated…embrace the feeling of succeeding in my career and my art and not let the guilt or sadness that I am not watching them smile at me hold me back..

THis world- AMERICA – which we live in is ANGRY and I want to try and see what would happen if as one artist..ME…enter in a concept of maternal….unconditional love….because that is easy enough if we/i stop getting angry at mothers who mother…if I just move along and become the Mother Terressa vibe when I can…or not…perhaps I will just ACT and create love in my eyes and that will be enough….

Today I head to Rehearsal and I will play both an angry ex wife and a Nurse…I will play them honestly and indepth and I will love my role with all my heart regardless of their possition in the story..

I will then drive to the Biltmore again and have a call back for a Lottery commercial about someone finding something on the Beach- which I have- an APPLE Watch for real- and then back to the Hilton for another run through of the show –

I am working..I am possibly getting sick…maybe another urinary track infection…which is said to be cause my being Pissed…I was I was mad at TIM for that call back to pain but then he was able to explain his actions and then I released it last night…in a prayer in the night and I feel better

I told Steve how the three holidays I am missing are making me sad but he helped me remember this is what I want and it is ok and ‘that the kid and I are ok…”
Like yesterday Mason and I went to South Beach for a few hours and it was nice and we ate at UPLAND and he told me he had been upset with me bc I took away his phone and that’s been why he hasn’t been himself towards…me…it made me sad, to be the bad MOM but it also made me understand that those actions…willing to not be liked by my son are ok..
We are fine now…

I am gathering monologues from people about me and understanding people’s perspective of things…it is interesting to hear the thoughts of others about me…not surprising but interesting..

I am excited to see what I make of all this and how my one woman show turns out…
My story told through the eyes of myself and reflected through others/
S

Kitchen

THe week in review

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THe few days I spent with Christina were amazing. I had just finished shooting a film called ‘Cuddles” and I was heading home when I got a call.
HIIIIIII-
Oh hey Christina…wait are you in MIami already?
I am …should I come over?

I was amazed that I had forgotten that CHRISITNA was arriving today and I was surprised that we were actually going to see each other bc I didn’t know the schedule.

I waited for her and was beyond thrilled when she pulled up in her rented car. Thankful Miami is alluring to her and i live in Miami and we met.

We went to Plant at Sacred space sans ways and pulled in put the top up on the convertible took a photo of three trucks with the letter K lined up next to each other. Ate DISGUSTING kimchi ravioli and intense cheese and delicious raw lasagne and a yummy Kambucha and a severe shot of ginger and some other quesadilla dish…we left after laughing about how the waiter’s voice needs to be in Pirates of the Caribean…

She had a class the next day so she left and Tuesday flew by and then on Wednesday she came with me to record a few chapters from Elana’s new book at the Audacity studio in Hollywood. Two full hours and then we ate Greek octopus’s and drove south to get our nails done. She chose a really nice color for my toes and I did my nails and eyebrows…then I went home and went to the gym with my fmaily and she stayed home with Mason while he cooked a sun basket dinner. Then we met Maria and Jen at the house and took an UBER to Sherwood’s expecting to meet someone for JEN but nope
I was served a salad that had been tossed with straight Mustard…Jen ate a massive Cinnabon with Ice Cream…Maria ate a fruit cobbler…I had two drink of fresh squeezed apples martini and CHRISITNA drank a Margaritta and had the kale salad tossed with the correct dressing.

THe manager flew out to apologize when I almost died of Mustard overdose and replaced the salad BUT i will never be able to eat that salad again and the fact that I actually paid to have Kale and Mustard makes me want to THROW UP…

We all went home after that to drop off Jen and get Maria’s car we were going to try and go dancing but to NO avail..we ended up at Anderson’s which was MOrgans and NO ONE…I MEAN NADA a PERSONA was there.

We took photos laughed and I nearly fell asleep in the chairs I pushed together SLOPPY all over..

THursday I had an audition in the Biltmore in MIami and CHRISITNA drove with me…I did the Lottery buried Tressure audition and then we found a healthy diner in COral gables and ate an açaí bowl and she had eggs and I had bacon to even out the protein and we talked about instagram and social media and I was getting sick..the idea of it..annoyed and then we tried to find stripper shoes in our size up on 163 street where I thought they still were but no- the Jewish Hasidic owner was not there anymore and neither were my size 11 stripper shoes or her size 8 wide ones.

WE drove home and I was tired…getting my period no doubt…and we started to read our TAROT cared online. I asked the tarot cards “if my class would bring me financial success and the cards ..all came out an emotional peace cards and NOT any about financial…it made us think that that my money desires are gong to come from the acting work and that my class is more Passion and Healing…

That relaxed me

I layed on my bright yellow green window seat and maria came over my mom called about her upcoming MOES surgery I was happy the house was full of estrogen and Steve was….somewhere…of yeah…out with his BOYS
And then yesterday

Maria arrived for our FRIDAY workout at 7- we walked for an hour did lunges then bear crawls then abs and then ACV drink and Decaf coffee. I was still mulling over /Complainig about the past weekend REACTION to my mother in Law who had tried to do her typical move and i defended myself and my vision …we discussed and I got over it but also realized that I had in the present state with her…for the first time…I stayed home… and was working when my mom arrived…she was taking the boys for a few and she mentioned THanksgiving being held at my Ouse. I agreed with the caveat that i can invite people i like and as long as she doesn;t have an issue with that then ok..maybe Have Heather host it too…

Her face grimaced but she moved on and I think accepted the RULE- so again I was able to adjust the power house MOTHER and add in my two cents without being childish..

THen while she had the boys I found a woman to do my headshots and heard I got a call back from the Lottery Burried Treasure commercial I began to work on my lines for the upcoming PHARA EVENT on Tuesday and had s trying of emails with my EX husband TIM who after writing me a monologue about our relationship asked me to do the same…I was brutally HONEST about what a DICK he was and even in his version he agreed…I informed him why we would never have worked out how I never felt self and etc etc..then I ended it with the truth…but all is fair in LOVE and war and I respect you now and want the best for you and we are freinds…

I had also gotten letters from AMY and Mica and Daria and I had one from Maria so I almost Had NINE monologues…

Then after all that computer and sitting I
then went to get th eboys on SOUTH BEACH at a tennis show place and home…

I travel to SOUTH BEACH almost daily these days

That night…

I went roller blading with Tripp’s and Steve and Steve had Tipp’s and we ran him all around the park.. it was great then we dropped him off and I went alone with Steve and we had a nice roamintic RIDE through our NICE romantic neighborhood and then I went home and made the steaks and kale chips and a yummy Boc choy salad. Steve had lentil soup and started talking about his mom I felt a rush and then a cool and then it was over…I was done…I don’t need to harp on details about his fmaily anymore…it doesn’t concern me in the least and that is the truth…
I love them all and yet I have no desire to know how and what their beliefs are as I have spent all I can on that and it is time to refocus on MY thoughts..my life and my career and as SELFISH as it may appear it is NOT at all…..and being in anyone else VIBE is NOT FOR ME..

Today is class and then maybe Ill go to the gym…

WHo knows.
S

Kitchen

Hello…One woman Show

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I am building my one woman show out AT LAST. It is going to be about the archetypes I play, we all play, and how I flow in and out of mine…and at the end it will show who I am…at my core…without any of those roles by a proces of straining out the Bullshit..

I am thinking it is like trying to explain a lemon…in order to tell someone or show someone what a lemon taste like and feels like you have to put it in relationships…how it reacts to things and the thing it reacts to will have an opinion of the lemon…based on what they are…how aware of who they are and what the lemon is without it..

SO if I am the lemon…and I show how other “people” think of me all the while being the lemon…from their interpretation..their experience…I think that will show will be really multidimensional concept of the layers a person has..and how we may want to stop identifying with any one too strongly.we are all a combination of all our stories and in that not any one story at all.

I have asked my freinds to collaborate with me…I am thinking if I shall ask my family…I suppose I will-

I have my own footage of these past four years..and in the end I will truly answer and prove the question I asked in the show I did “WHAT IF: An experiment in pieces. I suppose I am putting the pieces back together again now…
So we shall see Can you analyze a person the way an actor would analyze a character….

And the answer is YES and the follow up is but do it through the eyes of LOVE…never analyze anyone without LOVE..
It is cruel and unkind and although we all are just stories of other people’s perceptions of us..even our own perceptions of ourselves..these are the worst stories that hold us the most…best to go through love….because we are all PURE energy…trying to pretend we are SOLID MATTER….and that in itself is an Oscar worthy Role we are all playing.

Keep up the smiles and the loves and never stay too long in a painful situation or story…as it takes just that long to get out of it…Ho’opononopno it away…as soon as you feel your little EGOS grasping for center stage…

WE are more like the paint on the wheel game colors and shades twirling on an axis creating…

Xoxoxo Susie

Kitchen

Hello….N.W.S.A.

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I sat at a table last night after a play reading and what came to me was that many of the people I was sitting with and the one who organized the reading had all been part of New World School of the Art. A school I graduated from WAAAAAYYYY back in the day.

So basically, I was sitting at a table of like minded artist becasue they were all put through the same training.We connected and were on the same page instantly becasue we knew where we came from. Be it good or bad…it was the same and in that there was a familiarity to us all. We all had a touchstone…a commonality of trainers that we could compare notes on and in that I realized what I had been searching for all along was here…a family. Independent of each other we are all actresses all trained at one point at the base point…alike.

I felt at home..in my way, in this really soft way. I don’t know these women very well but we are all still sisters. We were raised by the teachers and went through the same mini-dramas that built us to be exactly who we turned out to be.

IT was a great night and to remember that no matter what…I am an actress and I can never undue it.

S