At a time in the United States and the world, I have found it important to speak from my heart and be a light in the quest to alleviate the lack of information about being a Jewish woman.

Finding your artistic voice is an unspoken journey for every creative who chooses their way over the highway—the tiny tip of a number two pencil is the goal. What exactly are you saying? How exactly are you saying it? And, as importantly, who are you saying it to?

I am a fifty-year-old actress living in a pocket of Miami that attracts travelers who need a nondescript place to relax. There isn’t any group of people in my neighborhood; it is filled with people who enjoy a simple vibe, lots of trees, and quiet walks at 4 a.m., guarded by the local cops, who take pride in keeping the area very safe.

On the beach during my morning dances with the universe, I felt a rush of emotion and a vision. I saw myself wearing a white silk robe with a sun on it, which reminded me of the Egg costume I wear in my solo show, JEWBANA.

I am making rugelach and answering phone messages with a voice recording.

I think, is this the second act? Am I doing Jewbana and taking it to the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh again with all my amazing reviews, videos, and marketing material? I was in it; I was in the surf of the emotion of the vision I was seeing. I felt the silk fabric, I felt the rugelach on the table being spread out. I heard the sound of people calling and asking me for my opinion on their situation, and I saw myself on a stage, rolling the dough, answering the questions, wearing the silk garb and feeling all of it.

I reached out to my contact from my previous time in Edinburgh, and he offered his wise and unsettling wisdom.

“You can’t take Jewbana to Edinburgh. It isn’t going to work. The anti-Semitism is too high there.” In those words, in a Facebook message, I heard the cold steel clanging of a metal garage door creak, slide, and shut.

DONE.

I was free in a way to turn my head and see that as I traveled around Miami and attended events to reacquaint myself with the community after a few months in the Northeast, I started to learn that Miami is where one million Jewish people are. One million people. And that it is among the safest places in the world to be a Jew, and that the Mayor of Miami claimed it is because the Cuban Catholics demanded it be safe for the Jews.

My show, Jewbana, which is about a Jewish woman and her Cuban Catholic family, was met with the sound of silverware on crystal. I heard it….

I have been slowly allowing the sound to chime through my body. I auditioned for the show at the JCC after my Jewish mystic Reiki chiropractor told me she thought I should be in their shows. I was aghast, and yet I turned on my toes and auditioned for the role I wanted at the callback, then rescinded my audition for a larger, more popular theater. I sat in this newfound awareness.

I found what I want to say, how I want to say it, and who I want to say it to.

I want to share my show, Jewbana, with its people. I want to celebrate the relationship between the Cubans and the Jews in this beautiful and vibrant city of Miami.

I will.
I shall.
So it is.

Working with a director that asks me to use my own personal past pains for a character is something I have often advised my students NOT to do. However, being in the situation myself it is not that easy to NOT do it.

The director wants me to associate myself with the character as much as possible. In the past I would have run from this but as I am working on my process where the whole point of is to know how to get out I have to do it.

Easy to get out of a character your don’t align with….but trickier to do it with one that bleeds into your own. From the start, willingly…not by chance…but by choice…this is something I have not wanted to do again. Claiming this work is dangerous…but if I have healed my stories…it shouldn’t be…it should be skillful and clear…the path in and most importantly the path OUT.

My SURF process is to both allow yourself to go into and then get out of a character, even if that character is your PAST self. IF- my past pains are healed…I know they are not current. I know that in my heart. I should and will be fine…THIS IS THAT TEST

I have been miserable for days. I have even thought to let go of the play. Walk away. Having been in rehearsal for several weeks. I was thinking NO. THis is not good for my soul. Look how sad I am….understanding her.

And then I thought of a MASTER dance class I was in and at the end when the entire class was putting the dance together…the last five minutes of the entire 2 hour class. I sat down. I bowed out. I was chicken and the teacher pointed it out to the whole group by celebrating those that didn’t sit. Those that dared to follow through till the end.

It was a subtle comment he made but it was pointed and it was felt. An arrow hit the mark. NOTE TO SELF… Dancing with a master company is ballsy- enough I was definitely taking the easy way less embarrassing way out by sitting down.

And so the idea of NOT doing this play because it is going to KICK MY ASS. it is going to show all my cards, it is dangerous. Hell…during rehearsal I was in a room with a guy who tested positive for COVID…this shit is SCARY…I want to run…I am sad and a mess and the idea that I am understanding TRUMP and MELANIA..is even MORE scary.

The idea that I am having conversations with my family about politics and I don’t have a side…the fact that MY opinion on all of this..even the book I spent the past 8 years writing is all being challenged…SCARES the hell out of me.

If I don;t do this show…A direct challenge to my work…it is like NOT wanting a deal on SHark Tank…backing out in a way. 

I can see the pattern…get right to the finish line and stop to tie my shoe…looks legit but it is totally NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH.. totally a chicken move

I am not going to back down or back into this…I am going to go full speed ahead….

I know that my relationships with my family are healed…I am living proof here in their home…I know I am aware of where I am able to remember the past and where I can let it go.

I can totally tap into my pain…and then with very clear and defined music and method…get myself out. THAT IS WHAT ACTORS DO….

I am able to do this…or I will be..

Something I am implementing is that I want people to call me by my name. Hearing the name SUSIE is very important for me…it reminds  me of who I am ..

I can so easily forget….

FOr as long as I have had the opportunity to write a bio in a PLAYBILL I have always added a line that said I am working on my One woman show.

THis elusive one woman show has morphed in to several other production in those 20 some years and I have indeed worked and created SOMETHIGN but not ever the ONE WOMAN show I said I was working on.

So after watching a play – a one woman show- with a freind we began to talk about my show again and the idea of the many version of susie returned and in that so did the spark of the show. It has always been a light in the distance but I am now the distant light- I have arrived in space- with a group of women who can help me create this performance and a passion and a time in the world that the idea of dissolving stories is still not being fully mentioned…

I am fully aware of my authentic self and the layers of stories that kept me from HER and I am ready to share this beutiful journey to SELF….