I love auditioning…I love playing with an idea and being asked to go against the concept I just thought of.
That is what an audition can be like if it is a good one. Someone asks you to redue your piece with an adjustment…sometimes they give it to you and sometimes they give you the exact adjustment and you have to create it right there.
What is happening is that the casting people are seeing
1) can you act
2) can you take direction
3) are you versatile
I love this process and I think that I may love it WAY TOO too much…well older parts of me love it…like a past lover…you are over them but a part of you…may need one last go..to be sure and that is what this past audition was..
BECAUSE
Auditioning is the apitamy of pleasing..
I have long given that role up but in an audition when a director is asking you to make an adjustment you are trying to ultimately please her so that she will cast you.
It is a hot coal pleasing situation and I love it except…this last time..I noticed I was aware that I was pleasing…and that is a problem-
If you are trying to please but you know you are PLAYING the role…a type of awareness comes into the game which I never had before.
I use to love auditions becasue I am an amazing pleaser but now that I don’t spend my days pleasing or desiring to please hardly anyone..I was acutely aware that I WAS..in the auditions.. becoming the PLEASER and that was an extra layer of awareness that made my work feel crowned.
It was fine..I don’t believe I got the role and I hope I don’t bc what I just came to realize is that this is a TRAP!
Why I auditioned was so that I woudln’t have to go back up to the mountains for Thanksgiving with my husbands fmaily..being the NON pleaser in training I was looking for an excuse. I applied for the casting while on a week long last minute trip with them in a cabin and I was fine but secretly wishing I could RUN…
and I DO NOT WANT to spend another week there in November and I just may have to if I don’t have a reason not to and so I auditioned and well…
See…it isn’t even the holiday it is the repetition of the holiday these years…but I can’t sabotage my desire NOT to be around tons of people in a cabin with auditioning for another persons work. It is a TRAP!!!!!
I want to just own that I am doing my own work about myself and that is what is going to happen…I DON’T HAVE THAT MUCH ENERGY TO BE IN ANOTHER PLAY AND WORKING ON MY OWN PIECE.
I will end up letting go of something..I am a monogamous person in love and in work I believe and I need to hold myself to my own moon light and keep myself in line with what I want to do FOR MYSELF..and maybe that will elevaiate my resistance to join other people for the holidays.
I have auditioned for my whole life..I refuse to do it regardless of how amazing i am at it..becasue the audition is a gateway to the drug of OTHER PEOPLE’s work and I have come so far from that place.
TO begin again becasue I happen to have cabin fever and I am free is not what I need right now.. I need to
cut the fat myself
..becasue I SAY SO…
.create my piece and perform it..
that is what I am doing this year and I am not going to allow myself to push it off again.
It is like that author who walked 30 days to figure out why he can’t write.
JUST WRIGHT SUSIE
.