Tag: self

Marriage

20 years and so?

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Marriage is this…is this very slippery slope you are trying to navigate…to where…I suspect a look out…a viewpoint…a moment when you can access the distance you achieved. Or so I thought.

Marriage I have found in my 20 year of becoming a married woman….is about reflection…a house of mirrors you can’t escape that you eventually ( maybe) begin to feel the need to just sit down in….see the versions of you and realize…this is a truth…

maybe not you one you wished to expose
maybe not the one you thought you’d maintain the entire two decades
maybe not even a version of a person you would hug in the street but
you just the same

if you are able to receive that…a group of impressions from a person and their family and your family of who you are… then you stay married

If you can’t
If other people’s inability to totally see you whole tortures you…
I suppose ( like I have often toyed with ) RUN

RUN The hell out of anything that offers you broken versions of your perfection.

I have come to understand my kinder mirror is in nature…in the ocean and in the trees.

They care not what your camera captures.
They know not of what light allowed the golden rule to exist
they care nothing

And they–like me— respect others limited perspective….limited viewpoint…
and i …i soften my gaze –blur my vision and
feel
feel myself. we FEEL just FINE and that…that new understanding of a FINE TUNED PERSON……
sits still in the joy of her achievement…
sits anywhere on that slippery slope and realizes as she places her hands on the ground…

it was all a perspective…the ground has been leveled -the road clear and only the internal chaos has murkied the playing field.

Marriage is what you make it…
just like anything else you do in your life

So 20 years just given a spiritual handshake

Yes the sky is what you say it is Pertrucio
and yes I KATE have become a married woman
and what of that.

A place to hold my chair to sit and mediate to take a breath.
a touchstone.

My marriage is my touchstone……

to the next 20

S

Kitchen

Chord Cutting

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Have you heard of this? I was just told that my friend did a CHORD cutting ceremony. I was listing to the description of what she did and I said to myself and perhaps out-loud, that is my class. My class is about getting to a place in myself to both cut chords and allow others to attach. It is more of a puppet thing than anything else. I am the puppet, these are my chords and these are now cut and now I look for other chords other strings to hold me up and what I have found ..
I have found that WHAT those strings are attached to makes all the difference.

Attache them to a person and there will always be a possibility of disappointment, Attachment to an idea and there is a chance that idea may cease to serve you BUT if you attach it to you… how I see it is a go into my song with a hook attached within me…I do the piece as I move through the STORY i find where the hook is attached and in what angle and with kindness I remove the hook. Then I take the hook and I re-hook it…I reattach it…I sort of place it in my heart and say….ok what if I was connected here on this story to my self – to my heart…what would that look like and most often…I awake form my piece and I feel freedom from everything and self sustaining energy and clarity but fresh and new and vulnerable clarity. NOT yet knowing of how powerful it is but I know this journey.. I have done this with thousands of people and stories and lies and versions of Self. I have become accustomed to letting myself go in order to find true self hooking into myself..

As artist form the theater and film world start to take a closer look on the way we create my need to question it goes quieter and I find myself in a NEW space in a new conversation with OLD friends that are new to me but old to my soul and the conversation is brought to me…offered to me and I say wow. Someone is talking ME to ME…and I feel joy and my lines vanish and my worry for why no one ever defended me disappears as I count the thousands of hooks I placed back into my heart to guide me and pull me home and I say..i BELIEVE in YOU…I can depend on you…If you fall I will catch YOU I will be waiting….TIME AFTER TIME.

xo
s

Kitchen

Mental Illness and other ramblings…

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Do not get me started. I am just now seeing that someone on this blog posted I might have it…HA…most people have it…if we are honest..we all have some bit of .anxiety and stress and all the issues we are all dealing with… build up mental health issues…even being on your device…too long…we all got issues..

Funny how when you put yourself out there what you get back…what you recieve and in that recieving… what strikes you down and what strikes a chord.
The chord is that in today’s day and age …accusing someone of a Mental Illness is an insult…like a cut down…when in reality it is the countries largest issue…look at our president…and what I mean is look what this entire country as a whole decided to elect. Regardless of who you voted for…somewhere on some level we allowed this to become a possibility…perhaps by watching his show or just talking about how silly he is we gave him our country and if that doesn’t tell you that we are a SICK country at the moment then I don’t know what does.
I have no cure but I have an understanding that I am not more healed than you and you are no more sick then me and we are no more enlightened than what we read and watch and say…
I ramble in these posts…because my mind allows me to flow…..I write as I think and I don’t mind if you get it or not..that is not the point – the point is that I dared to say SOMETHING and if we all start to speak the anger will diminish and love will begin to pour out of us…or not…but it is a choice…dream on and allow yourself not to be perfect…I do ..often..

Kitchen

Letting go of … PERFORMING

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Me Myself and I
I studied acting in school since I was in 5th grade. I loved it. Learning how to become another person was fascinating to me and I became an expert at it.

The reason I am not going to “perform” ever again is that it is based on lying and deception. A tool that has allowed me to grow OFF my center. Off my Authentic point.

Learning to become another person to the best of your abilities is freeing as it allows you to look back on your OWN character with new perspective. THe issue is when you PLAY the CHaracter so long that you have forgotten which is the real YOU- the real authentic self.

Charge is powerful- wether it comes from applause or likes or money- It helps you feel like you are alive. THe problem is that sometimes that charge is plugged into the wrong outlet – not LOVE – but rather PAIN- FEAR- SEX- and you are simply creating a FALSE version of yourself.

The healing art of acting -when used to let go of characters rather than add characters is a beautiful tool for me- a process I enjoy sharing with people who desire to KNOW THEMSLEVES FULLY AS WELL.

Kitchen

Letting go … about the S.U.R.F. Process

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THe story -the way we connect to ourselves, to each other, to our past and to our future seems like the logical place to start when you want to let go of pain in your life. G0 to the point of entry.

But GO as An actor Goes towards a role. With a notebook and curiosity and lots of respect and love for the story. If you judge it the story will go fuzzy.

I love using music and movement and it has been how I healed ALL my pain. I am not angry or angst UNLESS something enters into my immediate life and it is not for me- THEN I get angry and angst and I address that STORY ASAP. BUT there are no layers involved usually- it is just a toxin that came in and because my air is clean I feel it and it bothers me…and I try and get it out ASAP.

This process came to me through my own personal experiences and yesterday I was pointed in the direction of narrative Psycology and from what I read this is the umbrella of what I came to realize and explore in my SURF MEthod.

As an actor trained to hold story to access emotion I eventually found this troubling when my own father past away and I was holding the pain and the injury and counldn’t understand why I wasn’t letting go.

What was revealed to me was that I was trained to use pain as motivation. Anger as inspiration and I believe now that our society has absorbed this training in our content and as a society are being programmed through our PROGRAMS to do the same.

Subconsciencly i couldn’t let go of the pain because my internal actor was harboring it in her tool kit. I finally found this story within myself and kindly and softly sat down with HER and said. Listen…even if we never act again you can’t carry this pain with you my love, you Won’t make it. She released that was a truth and though my SURF movement process slowly and thus the idea of relief set in.

I learned through this idea personally and by training others that empathetic acting is much more interesting but the only way to insure you aren’t hurting yourself and others by “USING IT” ( a line in acting to tap into your pain and use it for your role) is to know you have cleaned your plate of all the HYPER CHARGE STORIES you have..

LEtting go of anything that you hold as a version of WHO YOU ARE is what this is about and many people do not SEPERATE the STORY from theirselves. If feels like a death, a MELTING away and even having been doing it for years it never gets easier but the process goes faster and the relief lasts longer.

Last night I followed a sign and went to a movement studio in MIami called the Republic of Movement and as we began the first game A smile crossed my face…I found a gold nugget that is in the movement itself kind and not demanding and honest and not forced. Exactly what I have internally found within myself.

MY question was- How do you move from GRACE…well last night I found out…Beautifully and Slowly.

Kitchen

Letting go of…Your Story

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I was the lead in a play a few years ago and during one final run before we opened I made an internal independent decision to make the character more forgiving.

After the run we sat for our notes and our director just stood there. All the hard work we had rehearsed the past three week was gone. Nothing. He was not even mad it seemed he was just helpless.

Before he began to give the notes I raised my hand. I said, “ That was my bad.” He looked at me and said “Thank you for being able to own that and never do that again.”

See-

None of the other actors could play their part because I wasn’t playing mine. The DRAMA we were trying to play out became a light hearted story. Not what the director was going for-

Change your ROle Change the Genre of your story.
We can’t remove stories in our lives. That would be more of a denial situation and can get really dangerous but we can decide to change our role in the story as soon as possible.

Try playing the Character that doesn’t allow the other actors to play against you.

The STORIES stay the same but your part in them shifts and if you are willing to let go of

How can you do this in your own DRAMAs?

CAn YOU make an independent internal decision to be a more forgiving character in one of your Stories?

Would that be so bad? What would you gain? What would your loose?
What Role would you be and would that be OK? Woul should still exist if you chose a different motivation?

LOVE SUSIE