Tag: women

Kitchen

INtegration of character

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I found this word today by asking my husband what he felt the opposite of segregation was. 

I had been segregated my life these past years to dissect them. It had began with the death of my father the several years of therapy and the hitting of a brick wall with my ability to see Myself. It them moved into performances based on self awareness, kindness, the female journey and relationships. The final aspect was work. That was not so much a performance process but one that stemmed from being in quarantine these past few months.

I have found my work. My creative self and my family did not conflict but rather coincided. The space of my house became the backdrop to my work, my creative expression , my impression and all without having to leave the heart strings I so desperately love, my family.

I have always thought acting and family were oxymorons. I had been taught from a young age and although I peeled away the belief through action I had not uprooted the original programing – till now. To be home creating, not needed to venture out, not having to run from the disturbances of my home as they clash with my creative SUSIE- 

The idea of letting a SPACE i had always and desperately wanted to go, to send a text perhaps to say thank you and that it served its purpose…I am integrated.

I am integrated. I have kindly placed all my pieces back together and I have been able to flow and function at such high speeds. No breaks in emotion or energy having to exit and reenter my realisties. I am in one reality and have from here branched into others I have sold myself on. I am in one place and the creative juices flow around me. I am grounded and open minded and secure.

I was watching a show on Netflix as they discussed that a marijuana overdose reveals your holes and insecurities. I remember being concerned that no one could see me and that Steve would sometimes not be next to me even though he was driving the car. My fear was not being seen or heard and perhaps because I knew I wasn’t anywhere too long and thus I was nowhere..in my movement and in my work..I hadn’t tethered them in because it is not the pole it is myself – i have become the pole…centered, clear, understood more and more as I step forward with my work.

Integration. A woman’s work, apron strings and creative juices and the concostions I shall make.

And I I make breakfast, here the sizzle of the bacon the laughter of the boys the grains of sand beneath my feet from the outdoor project I am working on with the family as a 46th Birthday project for me……I am typing

my thoughts in real time on this keyboard on my kitchen counter which will serve as my backdrop for my upcoming interview show I am hosting as my favorite Character Mrs. Keith Wade from Miami Motel Stories…it is called unplugged

Which is what we all needed to do inorder to reset and integrate…

Kitchen

Hello Truth

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“you can’t have truth from only one perspective’
by
Susanne Kreitman Taylor

Being out of the Male Gaze Conversation is trickier then you might think. The reason is that the Male gaze that most of us are believing we are see through is actually a kaleidoscope version of it which is interpreted by women.

So, the Male gaze can’t be fully understood by women, being that we are not MEN…but perhaps gay women or women who fancy women can get a taste of it truer form. The male gaze that I feel in me…less and less as I grow older. in an interpreted gaze.

It is my version of what you are seeing, thinking, feeling, desiring…and in that I create answers in my mind to how I can adjust to it.

this is something I am constantly aware of. My career as an actor and the ability to manipulate is intrinsic to me. have to walk slowly and carefully because the truth is I am NOT GOOD at manipulation – I have no real game. I can’t do the deed when the moment comes. The reason for this is that I tend to also be equally manipulated.

I still believe that the degree in which you do something is the exact degree in which that thing is being done to you. I have forsaken manipulation as a tool because I don’t want to be manipulate myself, again. Granted, not an altruistic reason but the truth from my perspective anyway.

I feel the male gaze at time with gay women who yearn for my friends. This is something I am starting to understand. The difference between a woman wanting to hold you and a woman wanting to fuck you.

This ownership this MALE gaze as I have come to understand it…it resides in desire to posses…perhaps? I don’t know what it is but it IS …it is a different currency when with someone who desire you then with someone who …but…see this can get weird because I sometimes feel people desire to be desired…and that is the female

So, the thing is…when women I know tell me they are desiring another woman I know. That is when for me… the conversation for me kinks.. It changes for me from one of comradery to one of competition. it isn’t conscious. it is subconscious…because being desired sexually in my life is …. was my power…competition with women was in a small way something I dealt with. But now…at this ripe age of 45…married to my soul mate and not on the market and just longing to be in a safe kind – not sexualized but realized…OH, MY GOSH…
I just had a vision of me playing Titania in Mid-Summer, Queen of the fairies… and always being surrounded by them. Being one of them myself. I think that is my truest fantasy…to be in a room of fairies…somehow not sexual at that moment…somehow not needy or insecure because they are or are not desired…

So it bothers me…but I address it. I accept perspectives give truth…I see how I too can be swayed by the sexual power of other women because I know it has value I know…I get it…but I choose not to PLAY – through me or through others…

but I still yearn to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD as the celestial being I am….I have to remember that…I have to reset that…I am placing her again on the front burner…I need her guiding me…kindly to my future self

“Riding on the wings of my futures self and whispers it’s all right” SKT

She wants me to start packaging myself.

I respect packaging…packaging oneself…packaging one’s message…packaging one’s purpose…at one point you have to accept that you have run around the world…gathered your thoughts and can start to THINK from there. And being packaged allows for that containment. that quiet…ending of the search. Time to share my results.

Good by process hello product?

This product of me has these qualities.
I am kinder…softer…. simpler…. lighter…. and more responsible.

Not responsible for you…responsible for me.

BOTOX LESS Kitchen

the BOTOX LOBOTOMY generation and the repercussions

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When I was in High school there was an acting teacher..a very disturbed one… that informed me of the very important F.F.L. look i needed to master for any casting call I might go on.

The F.F.L stood for the Freshly Fucked Look. It consisted of hair that was messy and a look on my dewy face that was satiated, pleased and relaxed…very very relaxed.

I was 16 years old and I was being informed that my fuckability was my value…a value…something I need to know how to use.

Fast forward I am 44 and I am fighting with my forehead lines…the one that he mentioned to be in my acting class…were NOT FFL at all and said.. ” you need to relax your forehead!” RELAX…..

This keeps in my head because as I grow OLDER and my LINES become more established I become in his mind and in the mind of the biz…more and more UN-FUCK-ABLE- less and and  less valued..

So I have in the past and women do try as much as they can N0T to have those lines and the perfect cure seemed to be BOTOX but…for me…as an actress…with botox…the feelings…the feeling receptors in my face…began to mute…I can’t feel it…So all I end up doing is PRESENTING…ACTING with a capital A essentially  FAKING it..

I still go back to a child looking at a mother trying to get that empathetic response and she can’t give it bc her face is frozen and what the body hears from that in
I AM NOT BEING HEARD>>>>I AM NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD>>>>I AM NOT CONNECTING>>>>>

This is what working with BOTOX people feels like to me so I am only assuming…a child innate being feels that way too.

I am NOT BEING RECEIVED…and that is where we as liberated women are…still cashing in on our fuckable account…our male gaze Credit cards we are cashing in on…trying to de dept free while the hole time using the secret credit card….

Doesn’t work = gotta pay to play

Yesterday or so an article about BOTOX helping with DEPRESSION came out in EllE Magazine

..this was proof of what I have been saying for years…as my lines grew and I aged…you face affects your feelings

So if it is mainstream why hasn’t my DR. told me they KNOW about emotional mutation from Botox…UMMMMM HELLO

If you mute emotional receptors….in your face through freezing and you are NOT clinically depressed…. you will also mute the JOY receptors also….it is just science… you can’t choose what to feel and what not to feel without hindering you entire experience on this earth..

It is tough…loosing my MALE GAZE and not even wanting it…and returning to my inner worth…it is SOOOOOOO hard…..but eliminating a visceral experience on purpose that could lead me to a clearer understanding of who and what and how I move through this earth…well…that just seems so similar to the Lobotomies we cringe at.

I am sure a couple decades..like with my implants and all the harm those can really cause..the long term affects of trying to remain FUCKABLE to the Male Gaze will have it’s coming …ha…but even more so the muting of empathetic expressions….

Why has the world become so Don’t give a fuck?
It is because most of the women I know look like NOTHING bothers them… and although appearances are not everything….they are important with how we feel we are and how and who we show the world…

I have lines…
I am 44 years old
I’d still fuck me….I think..

TO all those beautiful women crossing over to your own power…it comes at a cost.. you can’t stay 25 for ever and you can’t become wise without wisdom and wisdom comes from understanding your experiences…and if you mute them…this one life you have…will be dampened…just like anything else..

Yes I get sad

Yes I get Mad

Yes I get Angry

Yes I get Joyful

Yes I know you can’t choose to abort an emotion as an actor… although I have tried..I have attempted to choose happy roles but in the end the goodness has a tinge of sadness in them…always…no real role is monogrammatic……

bitter sweet chocolate and a bitter sweet life..in the end is rich and fulfilling.

I am all about beautiful beings and love and kindness…and it is not an external thing but only those on the inside can feel it…

there is a cross in the path now..some will go right and some will go left and at the end we will mesh into the ground and become one…

till then- venture on your own path…own it with all your might and let loose and love…and learn that beauty fades despite the ADS but not ETERNAL BEAUTY.
Cherished  love  forgive…
even your own faults….
mostly those.

Kitchen

Goodbye….alcohol

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Funny little thing….

I haven’t Drunk anything for months and then in comes a freind and I have two drinks one night and then a week later at Halloween I pour a rum which I never drink and then last night a glass of wine at dinner after yoga.

I am getting over a cold from working my toosh off and feel that the push to reactivate my acting career has now been established and this desire for a little drink here and there is allotted but
The truth is-

I hate drinking.. I hate how it makes me feel——what is does to me…the things i’ve Done while on it…forgiven but still…and yet I had been having them and it is funny how things you don’t like can become habits becasue you do them once and then twice and then three times and now you have to check in…

I think this is why many people don’t venture outside their comfort zone in case they tap into a darker element and like it and that happens to me a lot.

I am trying to learn how to respond to things that don’t align with me better self…and rather only tap into my negative and I have found this month has been a LOT about that…and I handled myself super well.

I am a lover mostly and see the good in everyone despite what is does to me…I want to help but this month I have learned the skill of NOT GIVING A FUCK about people…this is an amazing feeling and a tool I am learning is great when being LESS involved..

I am not just working on establishing my own patterns and getting in touch with what this next month will be

I won’t be with my family during the HOLIDAYS—not my nuclear family..well actually I will be with them but not the ones I built the ones i was built into…anyway..

The point is that I am trying to live my acting LIFE and that means I have to make MAJOR sacrifices regarding my kids and husband this month…this month I am working on a play I tried not to be part of but they recast ME and wrote a really nice piece for me and so I was happy to do the job.

I am also learning how NOT to allow people to steal my love…bc one person I see is often companining and it is adicting and I don’t want to be part of it. And so I am going to reschedule my time with her…and see how that Works…I need to be more in my own world and open to meeting NEW people… and right now I am pretty busy with this one person which and whom I love but really…I need a break from the Habit of it all.

I need to stop meeting up with this conversation in my head..it is a BUZZ kill and I need to be around working people…creative working people again….thank goodness I have rehearsal today for the play I almost turne down….

Kitchen

Hello……Bunny…goodbye …..

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A couple of years ago I wrote a play with a woman about two woman in the 1950s. We ended up creating a creative piece but in the end her and I had artistic differences as to the HOW to do the show.

Funny…we were able to create and when it came to the HOW we were going to create we split hard and cold and although we were amicable we were never close again.

The end of the story we wrote was how these two ACTORS run into each other years later and don’t you know it.

On my audition at the Biltmore for the call back fo the Lottery commercial in she walked. I approached her with love but was met with disdain and in that moement I felt the vast differences between us rise….I advised myself not to go in for a hug, as there may be blood shed in that action, so I sat outside and waited my turn.

As the universe had it we were called in and auditioned for the commercial as two freinds…nothing further from the truth…not hatred but just not friendship…

It is hard for me to find that middle ground being SUCH an extremist..
I love you or I hate you type but I have found this middle ground lately and it is less engaging and less drama and it is simply

I want for you what you want for you.

I didn’t get the role…maybe i was too pretty or not silly enough but in that audition room my heart was pounding louder than it has in years and the feeling I had with another past neutral person was reflected and I chose to walk away…and in that…that made all the difference in the world..

AFter the audition was over I left the room as fast as I could and my feet led me directly to my car. I floated there…My body doesn’t betray me often anymore..it tells me the truth and I listen to it and it is happy for that.

Kitchen

Hello…..Christina

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We met at the first ever SUPER STAR SUMMIT in Miami—organized by MIami ICON Michelle villabobos I learned a lot- spent a weekend alone at the Mayfair and ended up clicking with a cool chick from Kansas.

I mentioned that I was heading next to BLOG HER in San Jose and as it turned out I had an extra bed in anyone wanted to join. Me. I mentioned this at a table of mostly women who I just met and they all kind of…turned to their food or their phone and igneored the forward invitation.

Then one day in the not so distant time I received a text from one of the girls saysing she was going to be in tSan Jose area and she woudl like to use join me in my extra bed in my hotel.

I was excited…When she arrived at the hotel door I opened it to see a MAN waiting at the door…then a beautiful head peeked in form the side…it was Christina Dan the Tran was her husband…

They just wanted to make sure I was real and after they agreed I was safe they dropped off Christina and away we went. We spent the whole time laughing too loud and swearing we woudl NEvER write a BLOG as it looked really intense..( HAHAHAHAH) and time consuming and such and we had each just built a business and new what that means..

Regardless of of NON blog desire we stayed close and she has since visited me several times in Miami. This last one..some four years since we met. We actually had two solid days together.

We hung out at Soho house – saw theater-ate great food-danced and motivated each other to move into our higher selves

We are planing a slow take over of Miami in the near furutre.

I finally have found that I have surrounded myself with REAL supportive people and I am lucky to have them and know them and Christina is one of them…

She is a soul sister like no other and one day I’ll have all my soul sisters meet and the universe will implode…with how beautiful we all are and how powerful the love we have for each other is…

I used to tell Steve..I don’t have any freinds in miami..ow I do..great ones…

Make new freinds but keep the old some are silver and the other gold.

Kitchen

Hello…tollerance

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It is funny. I know that my industry is probably not going to change that much in just the 7 months since HARVEYGATE…i am not even sure it is possible to fully change a system that has a systemic issue…I think what I can do is approach the system with an understanding of what I am going into.

I can move slower and with more respect in myself and manage my own choices and steps and allowing myself to choose my path.

I don’t think this awakening is going to change how women treat themselves, our daughters and each others…I think they will stop being quiet and stop keeping secrets but I am not sure they will stop objectifying themselves..

The reason I say this as one who has and struggles not to is that it would mean to go intirely against a culture that you maneuvered through and which created your station.

We were born into adjusting ourselves to attain the beauty and sex powers and we have thus used them…either for our own feeling of value or to create it for others to value us by but in the end the players…me and other women in similar games stayed in maneuvered through…for a reason…

That reason doesn’t make them less or more it makes then a reaction to
Their situation
The society around them
The internal value of worth placed on them at a young age
The external power they and their fellow woman place on Sexual Beauty
THe commercial content they digest daily
And
The numbers of women in power who don’t feel threatened by them

I go back to my piece about the Male Gaze-

If that is what you are charging on then your value is external
The way the world sees women has to begin with how women see women. How mothers accept daughters
How sisters support sisters and how children treat their mothers…
If we can get conversation set. Make it between us first then we can move forward but
From my own experience…
If you hold a grudge against your own female family don’t expexct the neighbors or the working arenas to be any different for you.

Objectifying ourselves is a massive businesses becasue there is a need for it.
How we have all chosen to see sex, use sex, and become the object rather than the desire itself….that’s a conversation I would like to have..

PS..BOTOX commercials for men make me sad….it is the beginning of the end of raw masculine power – which I love and desire and never want to see go away..
This is not about how they treat women..it is about how they move through the world with the most amazing confidence that is makes me aspire to NOT GIVE A SHIT as well..

S