When I was 9 years old I was taken on the most world win vacation ever. My family and our family friends all packed up and took that EUROPEAN VACATION everyone saw in the movies. We had a layover in London for a few hours and we went to see Starlight Express! The we continued on to Italy and France and we pulled and pushed 11 pieces of UN-WHEELED luggage with us on trains on Gondolas and up and down cobble pavements. I honestly don’t know how my parents made this treck but they did. OUt of the 8 of us that went that year 5 of us are still living on this earth.
I am one of the living.
I must have clocked Starlight express because I knew from that moment on I wanted to not only be an actress but I wanted to be in LONDON!
I ended up training as an actor from then on – I attended an art school since the 5th grade and I ended my studies with a Post Graduate Degree from the World Reknowled but often unheard of school for classical theater. Webber Douglas Academy
I attended this school because I was informed that the original teachers from RADA and LAMDA had moved there and this was the TRUE TRUE LONDON training.
I was thrilled to be one of 12 students and even more thrilled to be the only American. I trained there for a year and I was put through it like nobodies business. Their approach to acting was external rather than internal and it was completely foreign to me until I began to mimic people and base my characters on them and that somehow gave me a doorway into this approach.
I went on to work in theater for the next 30 years and teach fitness and movement classes eventually becoming a solid artist with a great body of work and my own method of approaching works.
My personal like is full. I have raised two boys and have been married for 23 years! Nearly a quarter of a century I have been working on becoming and although I thought I was there…it wasn’t until I returned to LONDON with my HUSBAND a few weeks ago did ai actually know KNOW.
WE spent a week in London just the two of us. We pranced around the city and had an amazing time dropping into the rhythm of the LONDONERS.
We immediately walked past my school and the place I lived and the Church we had class in and the PUB we performed above ( i think)
The city has changed but I felt the history of my younger self still roaming the streets. I thought I took her home last time i visited by myself but this was different. This was the version of me that had set my hopes on a man I had fallen deeply in love with coming to visit me.
I was devastated when he chose the more wise decision to NOT visit me and not continue to try and make it work. I was beyond broken. I didn’t try and change his mind.. I just about faced.
Figuring out the best place to pull it free from and then doing allows things to that you have been living with, and around, make SOOO MUCH MORE SENSE.
I chose to follow my original idea and get married to stay in London and although I did, non of it lasted and I eventually ended up back in the arms of this LOVE and back in Miami and safe and secure and in LOVE.
So meeting my ghost of myself on the park bench outside Buckingham Palace was gut wrenching. I had to hold my ghost and allow her to sit on lap and have Steve tell her to her face…it was HIS choice not to come visit. Not anyone else’s.
I spent 25 year blaming his family for not fully accepting me but in the end the person who was the one that deserved the anger was the man i built an entire life with. My ghost had her guts spilt and the ENGLISH passer-byers weren’t sure what to do with this RAW AMERICAN EMOTION being spewed on this grounds.
“It was me.” ” I choose not to come”
Why would you do that? Doubled over in pain
I thought it would be too hard to do this. For us to do this.
The TRUE HURTS
THE TRUTH RINGS TRUE
and in that my ghost evaporated and left me there in my physical form to recalibrate.
I had created a life with a person who didn’t originally bet on me. I created a life with just enough of an ounce of a lack of faith in me that i would always feel off and this aligned with so much of my thread of a story of not being good enough that I must have attracted it and liked it and there… on that bench and the LONG walk and the SWAN we met after..there in the unravelling of this ghost story.
F
I know that there are alternative versions of my life being lived and I hope that the version of me who stayed in LONDON is now freer for me letting her go GO.
I feel freer for letting her GO GO
I See myself and life with more details and I feel so seen by MESELF
A film on a mirror is JUST like a ghost from your past..
