In my process of getting out of character (SURF) the hardest part for ME is recasting. It is the point where I know what I am doing is perpetuating pain and I have to change but the question is what and how and where and when.
And i am not moving…not doing my class…no studio…just tried to get time at little Haiti and one door was locked- one was taken and the theater was setting lights as i heard the sound and knew there was someone in the light booth..
Where is ALONE….
Today i realized that
I have wanted my own artistic VOice for a long while and I have it and it is so strong that it isn’t letting me work with anyone or any company or any message that isn’t on the same path.
THUS it has become clear that it is…
dibiulitaing to me NOT to have my own company…
Knowing what I can’t do without causing me pain pushing me into a corner of the ONE and ONLY thing I Can do.
Officially establish my company
My PLACE to do MY work and work with like minded creative that are in line with ME…
Artist that are here to spread LOVE
Artist that are healed or demand to try and be
Artist that let go and move on and forgive
Artist that take responsibility
Artist that have empathy
Strong ALPHA voices that have vision and alphaness
People who can hold me
I am heading to the graphic designer to create the SURF logo
So i can take my freind up on talking at the chamber and introduce officially to the city my company. My Artistic Company
I can set a date for the next show and how stories are our passions…seeing the story you are in and choosing to shift what is needed form your position and with those you live with so that you can have a better version of your story…pas-present and future.
Transforming through performance…
So my a issue in my tissue is that i am an amazing pleaser and I have to stop activating that becasue it is not aligned…I am pleasing others before myself and that is never a good thing. I can’t do it anymore and this last part – the accommodating – I have no time for that-
This is the year of pleasing Susie…If it pleases me…
Now I must lift weights and strengthen my core-
A strong older woman with wrinkles and a voice!
Cue the kitchen walls as they fall open like a house of cards and the world is revealed and I am free- Flowing and forgiven.
Logo for SURF
Class and process
Venue for Edinbough
Today I decided it was time to start taking my new headshot. I had meant to have a freind who is amazing at taking them take them but as I thought on it I realized that being able to capture myself on camera has become an obsession with me so why not try a head shot.
I took a ton of shots and I know this is just the beginning…I was happily surprised that I was able to find myself through the lense and that in todays day and age of online images, I can easily upload and post them.
I am curious how much of a one man band I can be with my acting career this year.
I am planing on self submitting and not having an agent. I plant to work directly with my career and I am creating a website that is a daily dose of this proces..
It is amazing becoming a more honest version of myself. I am really convinced that my happiness has been equal to my ability to live honestly
THis is me- I am excited to see what I will become without baggage and bullshit and being in a place where I can say…this is enough for me…
I have gone through a lot and I am now interested in go through just enough..
These are my own headshot and I wil begin using them for my online submission for job.
What better way to learn to love yourself as you age than to celebrate yourself in a self portrait that is not retouched ..becasue no one can see me or love me more than I love myself and that my loves is the truth.
I sometimes think this whole experience is about learning to love yourself more and more each day…despite all of it. And in this journey of letting go of ALL my secrets thus ALL my hidden stories and thus my anger and my need for protection of distortion..fake boobs.
..i feel like I run on an underground river beneath all of Miami…I taste things and feel tings in my own way and it is based on my own rules and universe and in here..in this world..if I can manage to keep myself from belittling it becasue it is so sweet and soft and kind…if I can tame my own drama queen at least once a month then…
Then,,,,my truth gets stronger, my heart gets wider and I get more and more translucent.
NOTE ******* I just found out that if you take the photo without makeup and then use Microsoft selfie to add makeup…and I plan to
It is funny. I know that my industry is probably not going to change that much in just the 7 months since HARVEYGATE…i am not even sure it is possible to fully change a system that has a systemic issue…I think what I can do is approach the system with an understanding of what I am going into.
I can move slower and with more respect in myself and manage my own choices and steps and allowing myself to choose my path.
I don’t think this awakening is going to change how women treat themselves, our daughters and each others…I think they will stop being quiet and stop keeping secrets but I am not sure they will stop objectifying themselves..
The reason I say this as one who has and struggles not to is that it would mean to go intirely against a culture that you maneuvered through and which created your station.
We were born into adjusting ourselves to attain the beauty and sex powers and we have thus used them…either for our own feeling of value or to create it for others to value us by but in the end the players…me and other women in similar games stayed in maneuvered through…for a reason…
That reason doesn’t make them less or more it makes then a reaction to
The society around them
The internal value of worth placed on them at a young age
The external power they and their fellow woman place on Sexual Beauty
THe commercial content they digest daily
The numbers of women in power who don’t feel threatened by them
I go back to my piece about the Male Gaze-
If that is what you are charging on then your value is external
The way the world sees women has to begin with how women see women. How mothers accept daughters
How sisters support sisters and how children treat their mothers…
If we can get conversation set. Make it between us first then we can move forward but
From my own experience…
If you hold a grudge against your own female family don’t expexct the neighbors or the working arenas to be any different for you.
Objectifying ourselves is a massive businesses becasue there is a need for it.
How we have all chosen to see sex, use sex, and become the object rather than the desire itself….that’s a conversation I would like to have..
PS..BOTOX commercials for men make me sad….it is the beginning of the end of raw masculine power – which I love and desire and never want to see go away..
This is not about how they treat women..it is about how they move through the world with the most amazing confidence that is makes me aspire to NOT GIVE A SHIT as well..
I think I have been coming up to this mountain town as long as the Berks…almost. I think I Came up here is 2000 with Steve and his family so that would make this almost 18 years of memories.
We are in the same area we always are in but the house is new. Steve’s parents purchased a large home for thier growing family and it is a beautiful log cabin with more than enough space and rooms.
Trees all around us and lots and lots of quiet.
Yesterday I spent sitting on the porch talking with family about our totally different points of views on religions and politics and other differences and we are just rocking in rocking chairs..just respectfully disagreeing and I wonder how many other families can sit together amongst the trees and disagree.
To be honest I have decharged myself from my own points of view so although I have my beliefs that are not aggressive nor dominirring and I have no desire to force someone to change thier mind as I would not really enjoy someone forcing their beliefs down my throat.
So I have no issue discussing why people believe what they believe bc in the end there is a very very good reason they have those beliefs. Becasue they are theirs.
Finding your own beliefs is important…and should be respected…
I am not watching the news or engaged in social media right now.
My information comes from those I talk to or flashes of things I come across, books and Master Class and directly searched for podcasts.
I am directing my education in someways.
My days have become more calm and I believe that too much information you can’t do anything about at this moment can create anxiety for me—it is bc I am an empath and I can take things WAY to sensitively …which is great and not so great..
I think that is why I long to work out in the grass by myself…weightless in my own energy.