I am at a presipus….i realize this location becasue I am in unease..I am not used to being pulled away and allowing it to happen…I tend to buckle and release my career and crawl to the side of my children but this month I am going to hold my ground…resist the urge to throw up my arms and rather embrace the feeling of being separated…embrace the feeling of succeeding in my career and my art and not let the guilt or sadness that I am not watching them smile at me hold me back..
THis world- AMERICA – which we live in is ANGRY and I want to try and see what would happen if as one artist..ME…enter in a concept of maternal….unconditional love….because that is easy enough if we/i stop getting angry at mothers who mother…if I just move along and become the Mother Terressa vibe when I can…or not…perhaps I will just ACT and create love in my eyes and that will be enough….
Today I head to Rehearsal and I will play both an angry ex wife and a Nurse…I will play them honestly and indepth and I will love my role with all my heart regardless of their possition in the story..
I will then drive to the Biltmore again and have a call back for a Lottery commercial about someone finding something on the Beach- which I have- an APPLE Watch for real- and then back to the Hilton for another run through of the show –
I am working..I am possibly getting sick…maybe another urinary track infection…which is said to be cause my being Pissed…I was I was mad at TIM for that call back to pain but then he was able to explain his actions and then I released it last night…in a prayer in the night and I feel better
I told Steve how the three holidays I am missing are making me sad but he helped me remember this is what I want and it is ok and ‘that the kid and I are ok…”
Like yesterday Mason and I went to South Beach for a few hours and it was nice and we ate at UPLAND and he told me he had been upset with me bc I took away his phone and that’s been why he hasn’t been himself towards…me…it made me sad, to be the bad MOM but it also made me understand that those actions…willing to not be liked by my son are ok..
We are fine now…
I am gathering monologues from people about me and understanding people’s perspective of things…it is interesting to hear the thoughts of others about me…not surprising but interesting..
I am excited to see what I make of all this and how my one woman show turns out…
My story told through the eyes of myself and reflected through others/
Woke up this morning and found myself in the light of the moon.
I was asking the universe to send me energy and then I looked down and my skin was covered in rays of light and shadows and i tried to take a photo but the iPhone failed me.
I was dancing in the moonlight in my back yard in the nude and clarity spilled upon me. I do my OWN work from now on about MYSELF.
Pretending I need to be part of other peoples work to be heard is xhausting and Pleaservile.
Even this casting submitions on backstage…
It is all still a small thread of NOT ENOUGH issue that pretends i can buffer and wait till I am ENOGH but as I preach…we are all enough…have always been enough…
Slow down Susie…relax and take your time YOUR TIME….build your ONE PERSON PIECE and take it from there…
Remember how hard it was just to leave the school and you went back then..maybe you needed them…but like that… you will NEVER look back once you begin this journey of your OWN work…never…
You are not responsible for anyone but yourself and no one is responsible for you either…
Daddy was dancing with me in my dream last night…I wish he was here to write a story for my show…
I am happy that most people are into telling their version of Susie for part of my play…and that know I will be fine with whatever they say becasue in the end I know a lot about who I am and who I am not and the distnace i try and close between the two through futile attempts of being OTHER than me..
For me I have learned who I am throgh learning who I am not and that takes a BRAVE PRINCESS TO go there…risk ego and structure and test the boundaries…but I have and I do becasue it is out my respect for what eludes me that I gain respect for those that are the ELUDED thing.
It is a moondance for me…a moement in the moon to take my time and be myself-for myself and no other…ha…easy to say…
Yesterday I spent some time on Backstage. I had started my membership again and in the three days since this little tingle from deep within me started to awaken… an excitement about acting that had tried to return but I wasn’t ready…yet.
So I began to submit myself for auditions and even learned that a theater company I’ve worked with is holding auditions and in just a text, a click, I began to remember…
I Am An Actress
Acting seems to have been revealed in the past few years as the business it really is. In that I feel free to renter without this veil of BS I was having to play. Pretending to NOT NOTICE and then when I did take offense when my agent didn’t respond the way i wanted her to ..defend who I felt needed her protection.
Now I can audition for work I want to do and for the price I want to get paid and all becasue I removed my REPRESENTATION in my online profile from agent to NONE>
Becasue in the end I desire to represent myself and I have no need for middle people –
Also It asked me on my profile if I still have a calico cat. I had forgotten that backstage and casting network asks these questions in case the piece you are auditioning for needs one.
My cat Kito died in December and so I erased the information and replaced it with a DOG…which at that very moment ended up getting out our back fence and when I left my desk to retrieve him he was poking his head under my house…
He found four baby kittens..
Funny how letting go really often means saying hello.
I am currently talking directly to casting directors, producers and writers about auditions and parts and I have to tell you… I love it..
Being my own agent, manager and publicist is going to be a joy becasue the only thing I have learned I can control is how I HANDLE myself.
My son has begun taking care of the kittens…he is a sweet boy and it is amazing that out of all the houses in the block…the momma cat chose ours.