Tag: Health


INtegration of character

I found this word today by asking my husband what he felt the opposite of segregation was. 

I had been segregated my life these past years to dissect them. It had began with the death of my father the several years of therapy and the hitting of a brick wall with my ability to see Myself. It them moved into performances based on self awareness, kindness, the female journey and relationships. The final aspect was work. That was not so much a performance process but one that stemmed from being in quarantine these past few months.

I have found my work. My creative self and my family did not conflict but rather coincided. The space of my house became the backdrop to my work, my creative expression , my impression and all without having to leave the heart strings I so desperately love, my family.

I have always thought acting and family were oxymorons. I had been taught from a young age and although I peeled away the belief through action I had not uprooted the original programing – till now. To be home creating, not needed to venture out, not having to run from the disturbances of my home as they clash with my creative SUSIE- 

The idea of letting a SPACE i had always and desperately wanted to go, to send a text perhaps to say thank you and that it served its purpose…I am integrated.

I am integrated. I have kindly placed all my pieces back together and I have been able to flow and function at such high speeds. No breaks in emotion or energy having to exit and reenter my realisties. I am in one reality and have from here branched into others I have sold myself on. I am in one place and the creative juices flow around me. I am grounded and open minded and secure.

I was watching a show on Netflix as they discussed that a marijuana overdose reveals your holes and insecurities. I remember being concerned that no one could see me and that Steve would sometimes not be next to me even though he was driving the car. My fear was not being seen or heard and perhaps because I knew I wasn’t anywhere too long and thus I was nowhere..in my movement and in my work..I hadn’t tethered them in because it is not the pole it is myself – i have become the pole…centered, clear, understood more and more as I step forward with my work.

Integration. A woman’s work, apron strings and creative juices and the concostions I shall make.

And I I make breakfast, here the sizzle of the bacon the laughter of the boys the grains of sand beneath my feet from the outdoor project I am working on with the family as a 46th Birthday project for me……I am typing

my thoughts in real time on this keyboard on my kitchen counter which will serve as my backdrop for my upcoming interview show I am hosting as my favorite Character Mrs. Keith Wade from Miami Motel Stories…it is called unplugged

Which is what we all needed to do inorder to reset and integrate…


“Do you know what’s in here? You shouldn’t take something unless you know what it is…” he said..with a smirk

I had placed all the supplements on the counter and with the one that was a cow thyroid bovine….that was a supplement prescribed by my ::chiropractic neurologist::” he warned against it…”Do you know what’s in here? You shouldn’t take something unless you know what it is…” he said..with a smirk. Later I will find out bc it is not FDA approved. That smirk and the fact that the way he flippantly told me what he thought my diagnosis was paired with the fact that he doesn’t see diet as part of the story with Thyroid…I don’t expect to return…


I was already hysterical. Internally hysterical…and it was ooozing out…

I was nervous about this day …this appointment…and even though I meditated for 20 minutes before I walked into the kitchen… Steve and I had gotten into an argument in minutes about a money issue and ..I was asking him to lay off but it was too late – we were in it….and so the morning had started like most mornings…Stressed..arguing. This is something that makes Steve feel better bc he gets stuff off his chest but it makes me more stressed out… I have asked if we can table those conversations till later in the day.

Sitting in the Dr, Office private office he said the Nodule was large and that he was going to Biopsy it. I was just sitting there,..Steve next to me…there,,,but not my DAD there….and then the Dr. asks about the supplements I am taking and I showed them to him.

Thyrophin by standard process

Chaste tree by standard process

Ovex by standard process

Dermatrophin by standard process

J.crows Ligols solution ( 2% Distilled water potassium iodine 4% iodine2%)


Glucosamine hyalironic Avis

Gentle iron

K2 and D3

Evening primrose1300x2

Turmeric liquid

Calcium citrate plus with magnesium

He was only concerned really with the Iodine ( which i added from my own research and which I instantly felt better from -either with a tiny amount of drops n water or on my wrist) and the Bovine Thyroid…non FDA approved Thyrophin.

I was crying …I used the two last tissues he had..from his desk… ( tissues on Desks…not . a great sign..not great tissues…) This Dr. was totally unable to truly connect but again I was finally letting all of this out…in this guys office….while Steve sat next to me but almost like when we drove to the hospital from the PIE I ate too much of…he wasn’t really really there somehow…like his body is there but he disappeared …..or cold or distant or logical…( half on his phone) and I was unable to form a sentence.. Where were my warm blooded huggers to hold me…I felt alone …in a room and at times like this… it could feel that way.

” You shouldn’t take anything you don’t know what’s in it..yeah this may affect your blood work and then iodine…no stop that too…”

I felt like a fool…for a moment..

“But the food ..I mean the kinds of food..I mean…what kind of food.” I Tried to form coherent sentences. I was overwhelmed….I was a mess…I was scared….

He took me to get my blood wok done and then bc of my insurance will send it out for processing… to Quest Labs and then we went to his office and I laid down and he took a sonogram ( another one from the one I took that my Chiropractic Dr ordered bc she saw something ( my regular DR, had just said my numbers were a little low…and even though I had mentioned my symptoms over the years…specifically my extreme PMS or moodiness…this thyroid sonogram was never ordered…( my check up was in May and I had a lump in May she didn’t notice but I had heard a Journalist on TV thank a tv watcher for saving his life by saying she was a nurse and from watching him on TV she saw it ) but the lack of connection bc my numbers or because I push through…and order medicinal mary Jane..My General Dr. never thought to ask for a sonogram of my thyroid….. which I hear is normal bc my numbers were normal and honestly I wasn’t putting the pieces together… and anyway….I have a very large GOITER…

He first feel my throat and says…it is actually large on both sides and then I remove my little S neck-lass I just got fixed..give it to Steve and lay down and he looks at his screen picture of my thyroid and he instantly says

“This looks like Hashimoto’s “he says with a weird kind of joy and escalation. It sounds like he is joking a laugh and I sit up and he says “yep, that’s what it looks like” and I cry Hysterical into my hands….

Steve is there but not my dad there and I am crying and gathering my tears in a hard napkin from the metal dispenser…it hurts…I hurt…I am shocked and sad…Steve is stoic and taking mental notes…hard and detailed…

I lay back down and with the machine on my throat ( fuck this month has been insane…I had the first sonogram three weeks ago and a MRI on my breast ( some weird protocol my general DR. told me to do bc on Mom) Tuesday and now this on Friday and Jaedon had a ECHO Cardio the week in-between…like my grandmother used to say…when she was going to see her doctors… I am going to see my Boy friends.)

“see it looks like Swiss cheese..it should be smooth…and this nodule…it doesn’t look cancerous…but we will make sure and see..it may even be the Hashimoto’s and not a nodule…just a really inflamed thyroid from the Hashimoto’s..”

“You see?” he says as he turns the screen to show me

..I have tears running down the side of my face…I see it…I fucking see the Swiss chess part of me that is unable to keep these tears from flowing down down down my face…yep..I got it…

“next is the Biopsy…” he clips

How long have I had this…?

“it is big…it could be ten years…maybe longer”

So when I had my kids…

I don’t know..maybe longer

And as far as food…what do I not eat…is this hyper or hypo or If this is Hashimoto’s what do I eat or don’t eat and

“.food has nothing to do with this.” He says..

and out of respect for him…somehow Steve chimes in with “He’s a doctor” and then I ask more questions and although I am happy I was able to get in to see him so soon I feel dismissed “unheard” and then he confirms my disconnect with him by restating…food is not the issue and that I would maybe take a synthetic thyroid… from Pharma

“oh like the cow thyroid in Thyrophin” i say

“no this is approved my FDA and synthetic.. or maybe a radioactive iodine. if it turns out to be Graves.” he goes on

He doesn’t look that old but I feel his old thoughts and they aren’t aligned but I try and be polite…

He then takes a cold spray and sprays my neck and then puts three needles in my throat and then I sit up and he says…again..well it could be that the nodule we see is really still the Hoshimoto’s and it is large and formed line a nodule..doesn’t look like cancer but we will get the lab work back..i will be out of town in Italy..first trip in forever and so my partner will call you with the results…

Thank you DR. and we leave…

stand in the parking lot ( we took two cars- Steve had golf and fit this in which was My Aunt’s rewust for me to have someone there…which was a great idea) Steve is kind of cold with health issues…doesn’t think you need to over think them and shuts down over health issues.. .he isn’t good with this be being stressed and yet….that is what all this thyroid stuff causes physically……

I cry with him..in the car as he begs me to stop taking the supplements and the iodine bc the Dr said they may actually mess with the blood work.

I agree…kind of…to stop …I get in my car I cry hysterical..I call Heather I call my mom I call my Aunt …I call my dear friend.. I need woman’s hug….Steve hugs and supports but I am too much..

And the papers the Doctor gave us as we were int he office on HYPO or Hoshimoto’s talks about heavy or irregular periods and Steve asked asked him

“could my extreme emotional PMS be a side affect of this…whole thing..?”

They are different hormones but if you are having issue from you thyroid with your hormones and then you have the Menstrual shift it can be affecting it and pushing it over the top” yes.

WHY DIDN’t THE DOT’s GET PUT TOGEther sooner… just found several books that speak about heavy bleeding and hormones and thyroid…and

i digress or progess

It is 5 am now…this story fresh in my head wanted to be on paper…I am up…I put a little iodine on my wrist…i feel better…i don’t know.. this year …this is what this will be about…for me…

Steve told me he isn’t going to work for Patrick… that he was asked to be a point man at Asset mark and that he is happy about being recognized.

i am hard on Steve…on myself…I hope that this new understanding of a huge thing I have going on will slowly guide me to a better more even keel life…

Food wise I was off everything up until tow days ago…till the stress pushed me over…but I am done with my little trial I am not interested in testing if FOOD affect me or not…HELLO.

…the coffee was decaf and I had two sips and it was gross…the drinks …the tiny bit of quesadilla…the cheese, the bread…etc…

…I am back on it. no gluten, no coffee, no dairy. and will go and see a second opinion on Thursday Morning…regardless if I get my result back from the first Dr. or not…

I think I need to find a holistic approaching person that is both medical and aware that food causes issues.. The Next Doctor I see on Thursday will be the opinion of a female and her posted reviews all talk about the diet she put her patients on.


insults are funny

From where I am now I am starting to find what people say about me- good or bad- very funny–funny like butterfly kisses….

Since I am not motivated by insults or compliments i.e. the PLEASER ROLE anymore…I can’t move based on OTHER people’s point of view.
This makes things VERY different….ALSO since money was never a factor I can’t be motivated by that either..
I am motivated by HEALING and that allows me to both be healed and to heal…it is the best currency thus far.But what exactly am I healing?
At the moment it is the soul…I am healing her….the rest of the externals have to wait again.

So what motivates me is to affect someones soul so that they can do the same to another and another…that is where I am at. the ripple affect…one to one…to a million

I hold no desire for a position or force but POWER in the sense of having the ability to shift a soul from anger to joy and lock them in that for a few moments…show them how to move from that…well then…YES..that is amazing

SO when Shark Tain aired again for the Millionth time and a few people posted pretty nasty things on one of my blog posts… I laughed…it made me laugh and yes I wanted to respond or even keep them up on the site but I can’t…there is already too much pain in the world and even though I wasn’t affected.. to allow it to seep OUT into the energy is also not good. SO I erased them ( I played them in that delete) and thought to myself…funny how they were on my blog …needing to be heard…having to tell me something…regardless….of good or bad…being able to affect someone to the point of posting a comment…is something…now to have them take an action on their own life…and post a comment on their own situation… that is what I am doing here…. waxing about my life my process my desire NOT to hold anger or be mad– not to be aggressive in anyway…not to add to the pain in this world and yet still create change…and part of that is all about leveling up…above this kind of BLA BLA BLA and above products and above physical beings and just trust that a beautiful life yields a beautiful soul…and visa versa…
Trusting your kindness –you pace your pitter patter….It takes time and you need a partner that can keep you in line because it is a slippery slope..this world we are blessed with… keep your eyes clear, your heart warms and your words….keep then gentle and so you become gentle yourself. Oh…and yoga…gentle yoga….that helps form follow function.


Letting go … about the S.U.R.F. Process

THe story -the way we connect to ourselves, to each other, to our past and to our future seems like the logical place to start when you want to let go of pain in your life. G0 to the point of entry.

But GO as An actor Goes towards a role. With a notebook and curiosity and lots of respect and love for the story. If you judge it the story will go fuzzy.

I love using music and movement and it has been how I healed ALL my pain. I am not angry or angst UNLESS something enters into my immediate life and it is not for me- THEN I get angry and angst and I address that STORY ASAP. BUT there are no layers involved usually- it is just a toxin that came in and because my air is clean I feel it and it bothers me…and I try and get it out ASAP.

This process came to me through my own personal experiences and yesterday I was pointed in the direction of narrative Psycology and from what I read this is the umbrella of what I came to realize and explore in my SURF MEthod.

As an actor trained to hold story to access emotion I eventually found this troubling when my own father past away and I was holding the pain and the injury and counldn’t understand why I wasn’t letting go.

What was revealed to me was that I was trained to use pain as motivation. Anger as inspiration and I believe now that our society has absorbed this training in our content and as a society are being programmed through our PROGRAMS to do the same.

Subconsciencly i couldn’t let go of the pain because my internal actor was harboring it in her tool kit. I finally found this story within myself and kindly and softly sat down with HER and said. Listen…even if we never act again you can’t carry this pain with you my love, you Won’t make it. She released that was a truth and though my SURF movement process slowly and thus the idea of relief set in.

I learned through this idea personally and by training others that empathetic acting is much more interesting but the only way to insure you aren’t hurting yourself and others by “USING IT” ( a line in acting to tap into your pain and use it for your role) is to know you have cleaned your plate of all the HYPER CHARGE STORIES you have..

LEtting go of anything that you hold as a version of WHO YOU ARE is what this is about and many people do not SEPERATE the STORY from theirselves. If feels like a death, a MELTING away and even having been doing it for years it never gets easier but the process goes faster and the relief lasts longer.

Last night I followed a sign and went to a movement studio in MIami called the Republic of Movement and as we began the first game A smile crossed my face…I found a gold nugget that is in the movement itself kind and not demanding and honest and not forced. Exactly what I have internally found within myself.

MY question was- How do you move from GRACE…well last night I found out…Beautifully and Slowly.