Tag: kindness

Kitchen

INtegration of character

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I found this word today by asking my husband what he felt the opposite of segregation was. 

I had been segregated my life these past years to dissect them. It had began with the death of my father the several years of therapy and the hitting of a brick wall with my ability to see Myself. It them moved into performances based on self awareness, kindness, the female journey and relationships. The final aspect was work. That was not so much a performance process but one that stemmed from being in quarantine these past few months.

I have found my work. My creative self and my family did not conflict but rather coincided. The space of my house became the backdrop to my work, my creative expression , my impression and all without having to leave the heart strings I so desperately love, my family.

I have always thought acting and family were oxymorons. I had been taught from a young age and although I peeled away the belief through action I had not uprooted the original programing – till now. To be home creating, not needed to venture out, not having to run from the disturbances of my home as they clash with my creative SUSIE- 

The idea of letting a SPACE i had always and desperately wanted to go, to send a text perhaps to say thank you and that it served its purpose…I am integrated.

I am integrated. I have kindly placed all my pieces back together and I have been able to flow and function at such high speeds. No breaks in emotion or energy having to exit and reenter my realisties. I am in one reality and have from here branched into others I have sold myself on. I am in one place and the creative juices flow around me. I am grounded and open minded and secure.

I was watching a show on Netflix as they discussed that a marijuana overdose reveals your holes and insecurities. I remember being concerned that no one could see me and that Steve would sometimes not be next to me even though he was driving the car. My fear was not being seen or heard and perhaps because I knew I wasn’t anywhere too long and thus I was nowhere..in my movement and in my work..I hadn’t tethered them in because it is not the pole it is myself – i have become the pole…centered, clear, understood more and more as I step forward with my work.

Integration. A woman’s work, apron strings and creative juices and the concostions I shall make.

And I I make breakfast, here the sizzle of the bacon the laughter of the boys the grains of sand beneath my feet from the outdoor project I am working on with the family as a 46th Birthday project for me……I am typing

my thoughts in real time on this keyboard on my kitchen counter which will serve as my backdrop for my upcoming interview show I am hosting as my favorite Character Mrs. Keith Wade from Miami Motel Stories…it is called unplugged

Which is what we all needed to do inorder to reset and integrate…

Kitchen

LIES I tell myself

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finding your own lies is fun. it undoes you. it teaches you again who you are NOT and in that you can be a little closer to who you are…right now….

I have had a Fraxel peel. I have decided to do this to help perhaps prevent more Basel cells…or perhaps because I am vain or perhaps because my industry can be harsh and perhaps because I am growing old…ER.

I have a Fraxel peel and removed scars and sun damage and a thin layer of skin and in that…I was in the Derm office and back in the beauty conversation again and in that…in that…I owned my present self

My present self is dealing with death. She is dancing with her in my lines….in how I am seen through the eyes of others and how much ticking time in my backward counting calendar I have still

I am gong backwards in my life I have found…back and back and back to what…to a time where I was young and free and untainted and then what…

What happens when I get there…. I still have wrinkles….I still have expressive lines and so I try again to remove those and I slip…I watch myself slipping…down the rabbit hole of beauty unattained…into a world of frozen expression and I pray it doesn’t work

that the dab or release is not enough to undue my hard-earned lines because even tough they are difficult to look at on a screen…I doubt I’ll be on that massive screen…but on a stage…they are good for communicating to the last row…this is truth…I am not strong enough in so many ways to keep myself from myself…

I hope this TUESDAY is the last time I visit the Derm…but it won’t be…I will waddle the LINE line for ever…somedays I will love my face and all I have it saying and some days I will not and ask for relief in a needle or a laser and that is my dance…in duplicity in owning myself and my inability to be extreme anymore.

I am nothing…neither here or there…I am nothing…I can’t make strong decisions because in that strong decision I become judgmental…I undue myself often and always

That is the joy, the lesson I get from acting…undoing who I am ..un doing what I believe…questioning my campus…and then
as this point…asking for assistance…

Someone to be an administrative person so I can continue to be the artist…an assistant …a smart organized person who has no desire to be onstage…who enjoys the details and the perfection of spelling and paragraphs and
grammar…a person who cares about these things. These rules…

a kind, organized, self-motivated, smart person who is accountable…to themselves and then to me.

I am interested in getting help…but not the help most people think I need…I am getting help to be more myself. In the sky with diamonds…and I am grateful I can ask for it.
s

Kitchen

The ritual of acting and why everyone should study it!

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Acting…it is about saying and believing something over and over again.
It is about allowing a thought to delve into your subconscience.

If you watch the film HEAL on Netflix one of the main ingredients in a person getting better is their belief that they are.

This imagination skill is something actors train in. They are constantly tweaking and learning how to not only get into a thought process but to let out a thought process.

Maybe the letting out isn’t as widely spoken about but I remember hearing a chat on the BROADWAY station with seth Rudetsky.  Seth Rudetsky was sharing openly about how after one of his first shows was over…he got depressed. He actually talks a lot about the emotional pains/strength of acting and rejection and the setting yourself up and the letdown.

So there in this muscle that actors have developed. Like the way you tear a muscle to make it strong.. Actors have a strong Empathy muscle…they love hard and they leave hard because that is the only way you can survive in their business. The ones that don’t let go…..they leave one way or another.

It isn’t pretty…it isn’t nice. Lots of tears usually…Even nice roles that make you feel amazing have to be left…or in the end you have left yourself instead. * I have found nicer roles are easier to say goodbye to because they leave a reminder of how sweet life is.

A cousin I have has a friend in the Sponge Bob show and mentioned how his friend has never been happier in his a life.… Thoughts have power. It is proven. However… so do other people’s thoughts…give yourself 7 times seeing a mc D commercial and eventually you think you want to buy a Cheeseburger …your mind thinks …”if I don’t believe this or want this why am I seeing hearing…thinking about it?” …your psyche doesn’t understand why you’d have these thoughts if you didn’t believe them….and that my loves is the wild part of ciphering you from them.

And back to how acting helps with this…

Some people say I play myself…but I have found that isn’t true… you play a character and you use yourself to get to that character but at some point ..if you go there…that character will start to drive your car…a little more in rehearsal each day and it is like smoke…little by little and eventually it is opening night.. and your character, you HOPE, has arrived with all the support and love you can give it… So you play the role with all you have…and eventually the show ends. the story ends…

Like any guest in your home. How do you ask them to leave? If you assume they just will…they won’t. Especially if you keep accommodating them…if you force them out…they’ll keep a key and one unsuspecting day out of vengeance or pure fancy…they’ll use that key and break in to you “home” and do some damage…HOWEVER…I have learned in life and in acting the way you setup the VISIT and the way you say GOODBYE..is everything…If you sit with them…ask them to let you know what they need to move on…ask them for your keys….hug them…and thank them…they will exit. Then the sadness of goodbye will set in and as long as you allow this to process through…this sadness of saying goodbye to a friend an experience…as long as you allow your sadness to have its time in the sun…you will move along with love and light and your next role… you next adventure will arrive to greet you …not layers of other people and roles you pretended so well to be.

I wish you all the power of good-byes with love. As they will offer you more hellos with love..

Susie

Kitchen

insults are funny

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From where I am now I am starting to find what people say about me- good or bad- very funny–funny like butterfly kisses….

Since I am not motivated by insults or compliments i.e. the PLEASER ROLE anymore…I can’t move based on OTHER people’s point of view.
This makes things VERY different….ALSO since money was never a factor I can’t be motivated by that either..
I am motivated by HEALING and that allows me to both be healed and to heal…it is the best currency thus far.But what exactly am I healing?
At the moment it is the soul…I am healing her….the rest of the externals have to wait again.

So what motivates me is to affect someones soul so that they can do the same to another and another…that is where I am at. the ripple affect…one to one…to a million

I hold no desire for a position or force but POWER in the sense of having the ability to shift a soul from anger to joy and lock them in that for a few moments…show them how to move from that…well then…YES..that is amazing

SO when Shark Tain aired again for the Millionth time and a few people posted pretty nasty things on one of my blog posts… I laughed…it made me laugh and yes I wanted to respond or even keep them up on the site but I can’t…there is already too much pain in the world and even though I wasn’t affected.. to allow it to seep OUT into the energy is also not good. SO I erased them ( I played them in that delete) and thought to myself…funny how they were on my blog …needing to be heard…having to tell me something…regardless….of good or bad…being able to affect someone to the point of posting a comment…is something…now to have them take an action on their own life…and post a comment on their own situation… that is what I am doing here…. waxing about my life my process my desire NOT to hold anger or be mad– not to be aggressive in anyway…not to add to the pain in this world and yet still create change…and part of that is all about leveling up…above this kind of BLA BLA BLA and above products and above physical beings and just trust that a beautiful life yields a beautiful soul…and visa versa…
Trusting your kindness –you pace your pitter patter….It takes time and you need a partner that can keep you in line because it is a slippery slope..this world we are blessed with… keep your eyes clear, your heart warms and your words….keep then gentle and so you become gentle yourself. Oh…and yoga…gentle yoga….that helps form follow function.
s

Kitchen

hello…Luxury Marriage

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sitting at home with NOTHING to do…a luxury…for sure….a difficult thing for me to accept about my life..that I have this luxury….but the reading of a review of “The Marvelous Mrs. Mazel” has awoken me to the fact that I have been able to create a life of luxury.

What is luxury to me…the ability to do my art, love my family, be a good friend and not feel the need to save the world.

Luxury…that lacking of desperation…lacking of feeling that I have to change the world in ways beyond my means…that I have to harbor other people and pay for their rent or help someone through their emotional issues or save anyone…that luxury that perhaps I am not meant to HELP anymore has released me from a great deal of suffering.

I have chosen to rather LOVE…to be myself to people…to offer honesty in response to pain and to hold them…or allow them to hold me…I have stopped placing myself in places that cause me anxiety.

I have done this gracefully and I have done this kindly and I feel it is fair. It is what is best for me and in the end for others. I am not a huge extrovert. I like to be around people but not fully engaged at all times with them…I am quiet among them now and I am calmer among them now and in that I feel safer….I don’t put my entire self on the table but I place parts of myself..my real self that I am willing to share..up there.

I have been playing the role of Mrs. Keith Wade.in a play…#miamiMotelStories MIMO..A woman who is stuck in a Marriage that is providing enough stability for her but not enough passion or freedom. The juxtaposition against my own life makes me see how much I have molded my marriage and my life into the LUXURY LIFESTYLE I dreamed about.

Things come to me…are offered to me and I accept them…I am not pushy or aggressive and I find it much kinder…my life..

I awake up to a dream- it was about a table I placed outside to get rid of..and wanted to get rid of…somehow it was back in the house…representing old habits I think and I woke up a bit insecure about things and I called Steve who had already been up and out taking Jaedon to school and I spoke to him about it..but really it was not back in the house…it was still outside …so why the call…why give energy to those dreams at all? Perhaps I think they are warnings…so I talk them through…see what they feel like and in the end I think…

All is well…I am home…safe and sound…my lovely husband is at work in a career he adores and is doing well at…I am keeping my children in my heart and letting them be free and allowing them time with their family despite time away for me…I am offering them the same freedom they have allowed me during this process of the show and it is amazing…

Being satiated by the work I am doing in this play..building a loving character I am joyful to perform…having chosen that role and not accepted an angry one I am being kind to myself…to my journey to my empathetic molecules….and having respect for my character and letting her NOT invade my life because the holes that she could have come through as I said…in my past POSTS are filled are healed and my marriage is indeed at a different level…A Luxury Marriage for sure.

Kitchen

Ask an Actor….what the truth is.

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When wondering where the truth lies I suggest finding an actor to discuss the situation. WHY?
Well, we are trained in great story telling…we are trained to find the Achilles heel of the character..we are trained to cover it up and we are trained to allow it to destroy things..even our own happiness….for the sake of DRAMA…EGO…ENTERTAINMENT…PRICE OF ADMISSION.

We love this the way an archeologist loves digging up memories…we love this because we thrive of relationships and positions and then the CLIMAX…the resolve the resolution….we thrive on the ART of telling a really great story…

Most actors would rather a REALLY great story then a happy one…we bend to the excitement…so if you implore us to examine your story…we will mark your drama you angst and how YOU as a participant are perpetuating it….and if you own our diagnosis… you will instantly be set free…because the curtain will close the lights will come on and everyone will be board …watching you…and that…is when you are in flow…a ripple on the ocean…nothing to look at here….

BUT not many can remain in that state long..it borders on boredom.

however kind and loving and whole and peaceful it is…so

Find a loving actor to talk with and I promise you you will see you life in the most beautiful way and the people in your life for exactly who they are and why they are in YOUR play… you will be able to step back and watch..and enjoy and direct and adjust as you see fit…
well…you can only adjust your character but in that the whole story is shifted and sometimes it is just that look…that turn of the head…that entrance a moment t00 s00n or t00 late that changes the vibe –

S

Kitchen

Hello….selfie Headshots

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Today I decided it was time to start taking my new headshot. I had meant to have a freind who is amazing at taking them take them but as I thought on it I realized that being able to capture myself on camera has become an obsession with me so why not try a head shot.

I took a ton of shots and I know this is just the beginning…I was happily surprised that I was able to find myself through the lense and that in todays day and age of online images, I can easily upload and post them.

I am curious how much of a one man band I can be with my acting career this year.
I am planing on self submitting and not having an agent. I plant to work directly with my career and I am creating a website that is a daily dose of this proces..

It is amazing becoming a more honest version of myself. I am really convinced that my happiness has been equal to my ability to live honestly

THis is me- I am excited to see what I will become without baggage and bullshit and being in a place where I can say…this is enough for me…

I have gone through a lot and I am now interested in go through just enough..

These are my own headshot and I wil begin using them for my online submission for job.
What better way to learn to love yourself as you age than to celebrate yourself in a self portrait that is not retouched ..becasue no one can see me or love me more than I love myself and that my loves is the truth.

I sometimes think this whole experience is about learning to love yourself more and more each day…despite all of it. And in this journey of letting go of ALL my secrets thus ALL my hidden stories and thus my anger and my need for protection of distortion..fake boobs.

..i feel like I run on an underground river beneath all of Miami…I taste things and feel tings in my own way and it is based on my own rules and universe and in here..in this world..if I can manage to keep myself from belittling it becasue it is so sweet and soft and kind…if I can tame my own drama queen at least once a month then…

Then,,,,my truth gets stronger, my heart gets wider and I get more and more translucent.

NOTE ******* I just found out that if you take the photo without makeup and then use Microsoft selfie to add makeup…and I plan to

Kitchen

Hello…tollerance

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It is funny. I know that my industry is probably not going to change that much in just the 7 months since HARVEYGATE…i am not even sure it is possible to fully change a system that has a systemic issue…I think what I can do is approach the system with an understanding of what I am going into.

I can move slower and with more respect in myself and manage my own choices and steps and allowing myself to choose my path.

I don’t think this awakening is going to change how women treat themselves, our daughters and each others…I think they will stop being quiet and stop keeping secrets but I am not sure they will stop objectifying themselves..

The reason I say this as one who has and struggles not to is that it would mean to go intirely against a culture that you maneuvered through and which created your station.

We were born into adjusting ourselves to attain the beauty and sex powers and we have thus used them…either for our own feeling of value or to create it for others to value us by but in the end the players…me and other women in similar games stayed in maneuvered through…for a reason…

That reason doesn’t make them less or more it makes then a reaction to
Their situation
The society around them
The internal value of worth placed on them at a young age
The external power they and their fellow woman place on Sexual Beauty
THe commercial content they digest daily
And
The numbers of women in power who don’t feel threatened by them

I go back to my piece about the Male Gaze-

If that is what you are charging on then your value is external
The way the world sees women has to begin with how women see women. How mothers accept daughters
How sisters support sisters and how children treat their mothers…
If we can get conversation set. Make it between us first then we can move forward but
From my own experience…
If you hold a grudge against your own female family don’t expexct the neighbors or the working arenas to be any different for you.

Objectifying ourselves is a massive businesses becasue there is a need for it.
How we have all chosen to see sex, use sex, and become the object rather than the desire itself….that’s a conversation I would like to have..

PS..BOTOX commercials for men make me sad….it is the beginning of the end of raw masculine power – which I love and desire and never want to see go away..
This is not about how they treat women..it is about how they move through the world with the most amazing confidence that is makes me aspire to NOT GIVE A SHIT as well..

S