R is recasting…but OMG is it such an EGO bust…and the EGO is going to fight you the whole way. THis is the lesson I learned from claiming Steve deserted Mason bc he missed a football game that randomly started on time..but I missed it too. I deserted Mason first…I feel it in me as I type with wire plugged into the hole that it isn’t supposed to ..the whole that’s too big bc it doesn’t rub.but the one it needs to click into is tight and secure and that…that tends to be the things that bothers me and that I fight off myself…bc somehow it reminds me of being caught..which as I explain…isn’t my bag…
NOTE- Mason my son is my life and I have to just own that my children are everything to me..the rest is just cherries..which i shouldn’t knock.
They say the way you are first introduced to things is how they are patterned…
In Kindergarden at Lee wood elementary we had a game called catch and kiss. I am pretty sure It was in Kindergarden..I remember Kevin Urgart used to chase me. I remember I used to hide in the colored cement tunnels which looking back may have been sewer parts…not used sewer parts but I have never seen those tunnels but for when they are working on drains to keep Purday avenue on South Beach from sinking..so maybe not sewer..more water.parts..drain parts…you know..
anyway
I remember being there and looking out hoping he wouldn’t find me- I am sure I was devoted to another boy who I was chasing…bc the idea of NOT being caught was the concept of love I began to inhabit and the concept of chasing my other angle//
yesterday and today I began to ponder on these somewhat facts
that I left the house the minute I finally got Steve home to help with bibbitec. It was on the advice of my lovely aunt who saw how worn down I was but she is also the aunt that fled to Milan some 30 years ago and have never come back..she herself is a fleer. but then again she is of the same blood so looking back I get it.it makes sense ..but she was really advice me to chase acting again…so really that wasn’t her doing..
Also super happy. went back to theater but either direction would have sent me back here..working on SOME alternative way of doing the age old version of either acting or business.
I digress.
Ok so the thing is it came to my attention that in order to fell deserted you might actually have to leave and that perhaps I have been perpetuating this idea of catch and kiss throughout most of my romantic life..becasue the idea of not being chased…well.. that just never registered…I also love to chase..so by leaving something… I have the ability to find it again.. thus all my hello and goodbyes…also distance gives perspective so you can really see things…and really fall back in love with them all over again and in a new way…
so
I deserted steve when we first met bc I chose to follow through and go off to London even though we met.
I chose to marry Tim just to double down on how much I was deserted when steve didn’t chase me…in a way
I then deserted TIM and returned immediately after the nuptials to Miami. TIm CHased me. Then I ran to NY and Tim chased me…caught me….SO…we broke up ….and I chased Jon and then we broke up becasue Steve was chasing me and Jon wasn’t Chasing me enough..
then steve was going to move to NY but I was having a hard time dealing with rejection of just a few roles and I came home and got fake boobs and deserted NY and my dream DREAM..the career one and stayed here and since I hate to be catched and I tend to get bored with things I have caught…
I began to think that it is me…I am the deserter…I let go of lots of things and relationships when I can’t face them anymore…but records show I tend to return to them…slowly…if they’ll have me.
But were it not for Catch and kiss …could it be in my bloodline.. and if so …from who…
My Hebrew name is Hannah Marie
I was named after Anne MArie
I believe she was the great grandmother that DESERTED Austria bc she didn’t want to be forced to shave her hair and wear a wig…she ended up married to an Austrian from her same village – one she met in NY. SO she ran her way perhaps right into her destiny.
And I feel like that.. i feel like I have to try and NOT leave…not run away form Steve and see what staying in the house as my “office” and working things out there with him…he is there…if I leave..it is on me…
If I stay…perhaps I can end this part of the cat and mouse game I so much enjoy..
Perhaps being chased is not love at all
Just attention.
Maybe love is being exactly where you are and NOT running away and not chasing away…
This means most of all I have done was for nothing…
Peaceful and kind
If I let Devon go..and give her spaces outside the house to play…like this new studio and I let Anne Marie stay with her family in her home town and stop her from running away (scratch her record a bit) will I find a more peaceful home life.
If I don’t all fit in my house _ i once asked- is it my house-
Yes
It can be
For the one that enjoys being home..
Steve and I have been arguing a lot.. the death of the idea of moving to another home is dead with all that..puss …the idea tha what I have put my effort into and all the good and bad is enough…is what becomes the film on top of all this Mishigas.
If I was the real deserter and I stop deserting…even this desire to want to leave my own home…when all it does is welcome me…what becomes of me…who is the future of the deserter.. the opposite is loyalist
What does that look like…?
Being a loyalist to my own beliefs and family..
Can I find value in that..fully?
Can I build on that
Is that the platform of love and if I hammer in those nails..I’m also good at pulling out..
Will that support me?
Will I be the support..
Will I have built the support
You can’t run away from your own dogma girl…..
So deal with it.
