Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

Hello…..FLOW ACTING

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I sat in the room and waited for the feedback…at the last read through..I did my monologue that the talented Juan Cejas wrote for me…and I was just….imbued with the feeling that I had hit upon something…a type of approach to my work that I loved and was going to be easy or easier for me to navigate out of.

I waited and the director said…what you did..the other night…”I was like…ok I am done…you’re good to go…so yeah the whole thing keep it.”

Ha…keep it?..what the fuck did I do?…I stood up and began again and then I realized that hands off the handlebar feeling I get when riding my bike or rollerblading on one leg..that trust is there..I finally have trust built NOT FROM my kudos that I kept searching for but from my internal self….I was able to let go because I got this…

I have since been working through the show and creating the movements softly and kindly and it is amazing…
I couldn’t see the force before because I was the force but let go of anger and the need to control and acting from a flow state is possible..not a happenstance but an totally possible reality I can replicate…

I am currently off regular coffee so I don’t get panicked.

I am letting go of promoting my class and keeping the rehearsal room for me but plan to move it to MTC.

I am not teaching groups and if anyone wants to work with me it is 125 an hour…and 150 for couples but honestly ..

I am fine…don’t need to worry about everyone else…just need to get my makeup and my outfits for my headshots…build up my Acting website and move along.

I see the play having something to do with NOTHING..being fluid and free and in the now and very very interactive…I plan to speak to Juan about it.

Kitchen

I booked another…..funny role

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I am finding my nitch lately….lesbians and funny girls and a career.

This month I filmed a short as a Lesbian lover and then A nurse a healer and now I am in rehearsal for another repressed expressed lesbian and then I am about to play a male role in Romeo and Juliet. I am super excited about it all. Oh, and i just got another film role in a Latin movie…maybe I am the token American in the Latin world…OY VEY no Mi DEgas…

I am getting my headshots done by my actor freind who can see me in all my glory and I realized that the one I had originally and for a long time wanted dosen’t actually see the part of me I want to show. She see’s her version of me and that is a very vindictive person.

I think it is all her mother but in the end it doesn’t matter..People cast us and we perform…

I am not responsible for healing people.

I am done being that becasue I am healed now..I am free…I am letting go of my class …writing the book and moving on…so excited about it…

XOXOXO

Acting

How I got out of character

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Getting out of character.

I am an actor and part of how I work is taking on other people’s thoughts, movements and beliefs. It is a fascinating dive into the empathy realm and the playing with the line of reality. What is reality. What is YOUR reality and what is their’s and sometimes that line bleeds…if you are lucky, if I am lucky I am so believing in my role that even I don’t know where Susie starts and this new role ends.

It is the ultimate necessity to be an actor. To have the fearlessness to release yourself and that is what it is all about. Being able to walk up those never ending stairs- movement by movement -or belief by belief or word by word or action by action into another dimension.

This is the scariest thing mostly because you k now somewhere in this journey you are sacrificing parts of your own self and like a diver..how long can you be under water without suffering from vertigo or whatever it is called where you can’t remember which way is up?

Acting…FOR ME….is like that…I get lost…usurped by the role and disappear…I keep a shell of myself and my world and my family and kids and husband represent that but more than that and the entry is harder…so I shed a lot…I let go of comipments and relationships and I disappear…

Maybe not to the naked eye but to any would seeker or evenly worker they’ll see..I am slipping…

One day after I had returned to acting after raising my young children into semi functioning children I was heading home and I remember as I opened the front door….Oh, Yeah…my kids.

It struck me as funny but the idea that I can release my motherhood role was fascinating.. and to do it to such a point that I had to actively remember it…well.it was all a bit MENTAL to say the least.

Then one day after playing a very lovely part who loved to cook but not into sex so much…my husband asked..When in Susie coming home?

IT made me stop chopping my scallions and look up. “Excuse me” I said or she said…who knows…

Steve repeated the question and it slowly sank in….HE KNOWS…he knows I am not quite myself …even in my own kitchen…

I smiled and said…”don’t you like her…she loves to cook…”

She is fine but I miss Susie he said and in that moment the veil of delete that I am perhaps many actors live with was revealed…I was missing…

Give your heart to someone…even another version of your self and it can be tricky to find the door to unbolt and retrieve yourself..

Unless you build a very clear path back to it…to her…. And that is what I have been working on.

Finding first who SUSIE is and then venturing off and trying to return sans too much collateral damage.

What I am about to share with you look me years to articulate but recently I was speaking at the Miami Beach chamber of commerce to their health and wellness committee and they received it…they didn’t;t run to take my class because the idea is still touchy but they got it and I felt in that room…they felt the idea flicker in their mind…

What if THEY TOO were still in character and if they were…what role was it and what would they be without it…

I

Kitchen

Goodbye….alcohol

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Funny little thing….

I haven’t Drunk anything for months and then in comes a freind and I have two drinks one night and then a week later at Halloween I pour a rum which I never drink and then last night a glass of wine at dinner after yoga.

I am getting over a cold from working my toosh off and feel that the push to reactivate my acting career has now been established and this desire for a little drink here and there is allotted but
The truth is-

I hate drinking.. I hate how it makes me feel——what is does to me…the things i’ve Done while on it…forgiven but still…and yet I had been having them and it is funny how things you don’t like can become habits becasue you do them once and then twice and then three times and now you have to check in…

I think this is why many people don’t venture outside their comfort zone in case they tap into a darker element and like it and that happens to me a lot.

I am trying to learn how to respond to things that don’t align with me better self…and rather only tap into my negative and I have found this month has been a LOT about that…and I handled myself super well.

I am a lover mostly and see the good in everyone despite what is does to me…I want to help but this month I have learned the skill of NOT GIVING A FUCK about people…this is an amazing feeling and a tool I am learning is great when being LESS involved..

I am not just working on establishing my own patterns and getting in touch with what this next month will be

I won’t be with my family during the HOLIDAYS—not my nuclear family..well actually I will be with them but not the ones I built the ones i was built into…anyway..

The point is that I am trying to live my acting LIFE and that means I have to make MAJOR sacrifices regarding my kids and husband this month…this month I am working on a play I tried not to be part of but they recast ME and wrote a really nice piece for me and so I was happy to do the job.

I am also learning how NOT to allow people to steal my love…bc one person I see is often companining and it is adicting and I don’t want to be part of it. And so I am going to reschedule my time with her…and see how that Works…I need to be more in my own world and open to meeting NEW people… and right now I am pretty busy with this one person which and whom I love but really…I need a break from the Habit of it all.

I need to stop meeting up with this conversation in my head..it is a BUZZ kill and I need to be around working people…creative working people again….thank goodness I have rehearsal today for the play I almost turne down….

Kitchen

Hello….Miami Motel Stories

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THe other night a group of about 30 plus THEATER PEOPLE gathered at a delapitated soon to be remodeled MOTEL on Biscayne Blvd in Miami FLorida.

We were meeting and greeting about a new production that Juggernut is doing and I was in awe of it all.

IT is a huge production with original concepts and scripts and an array of actors that just blew my mind..

I was not excited nor bored I was peaceful I was HOME and in that I realized that sometimes you have to leave everything you know at the door and enter through the kitchen and smell the seasonings to ever really truly love love love your life.

I was one of the oldest people in the room but I was beyond thankful…One actor I had known since I first moved back to mIami in 1999/2000- He told me that if I was going to marry Steve I would end up leaving acting…
He was right…I did…I left I raised kids and I built a marriage and now I am here….sitting near this fortune teller knowing I CHOSE my path and although I have a few more lines on my face and a few more cracks in the heart I am more alive than I have ever been and my acting…well…I am bringing a hole new journey and I think it is going to be amazing..

S

Kitchen

Hello……Bunny…goodbye …..

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A couple of years ago I wrote a play with a woman about two woman in the 1950s. We ended up creating a creative piece but in the end her and I had artistic differences as to the HOW to do the show.

Funny…we were able to create and when it came to the HOW we were going to create we split hard and cold and although we were amicable we were never close again.

The end of the story we wrote was how these two ACTORS run into each other years later and don’t you know it.

On my audition at the Biltmore for the call back fo the Lottery commercial in she walked. I approached her with love but was met with disdain and in that moement I felt the vast differences between us rise….I advised myself not to go in for a hug, as there may be blood shed in that action, so I sat outside and waited my turn.

As the universe had it we were called in and auditioned for the commercial as two freinds…nothing further from the truth…not hatred but just not friendship…

It is hard for me to find that middle ground being SUCH an extremist..
I love you or I hate you type but I have found this middle ground lately and it is less engaging and less drama and it is simply

I want for you what you want for you.

I didn’t get the role…maybe i was too pretty or not silly enough but in that audition room my heart was pounding louder than it has in years and the feeling I had with another past neutral person was reflected and I chose to walk away…and in that…that made all the difference in the world..

AFter the audition was over I left the room as fast as I could and my feet led me directly to my car. I floated there…My body doesn’t betray me often anymore..it tells me the truth and I listen to it and it is happy for that.

Kitchen

Hello…..working MOTHER

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I am at a presipus….i realize this location becasue I am in unease..I am not used to being pulled away and allowing it to happen…I tend to buckle and release my career and crawl to the side of my children but this month I am going to hold my ground…resist the urge to throw up my arms and rather embrace the feeling of being separated…embrace the feeling of succeeding in my career and my art and not let the guilt or sadness that I am not watching them smile at me hold me back..

THis world- AMERICA – which we live in is ANGRY and I want to try and see what would happen if as one artist..ME…enter in a concept of maternal….unconditional love….because that is easy enough if we/i stop getting angry at mothers who mother…if I just move along and become the Mother Terressa vibe when I can…or not…perhaps I will just ACT and create love in my eyes and that will be enough….

Today I head to Rehearsal and I will play both an angry ex wife and a Nurse…I will play them honestly and indepth and I will love my role with all my heart regardless of their possition in the story..

I will then drive to the Biltmore again and have a call back for a Lottery commercial about someone finding something on the Beach- which I have- an APPLE Watch for real- and then back to the Hilton for another run through of the show –

I am working..I am possibly getting sick…maybe another urinary track infection…which is said to be cause my being Pissed…I was I was mad at TIM for that call back to pain but then he was able to explain his actions and then I released it last night…in a prayer in the night and I feel better

I told Steve how the three holidays I am missing are making me sad but he helped me remember this is what I want and it is ok and ‘that the kid and I are ok…”
Like yesterday Mason and I went to South Beach for a few hours and it was nice and we ate at UPLAND and he told me he had been upset with me bc I took away his phone and that’s been why he hasn’t been himself towards…me…it made me sad, to be the bad MOM but it also made me understand that those actions…willing to not be liked by my son are ok..
We are fine now…

I am gathering monologues from people about me and understanding people’s perspective of things…it is interesting to hear the thoughts of others about me…not surprising but interesting..

I am excited to see what I make of all this and how my one woman show turns out…
My story told through the eyes of myself and reflected through others/
S

Kitchen

A lil about DEVON and her issues…

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Devon is the part of me that can’t stand any other woman coming near my husband…even if it is his mother..I hate it..i hate how he acts like a child near her..like her KID and I am his wife..so the role of CHILD wins and it is disgusting to DEVON…not cute…annoying and it bothers DEVON.that SHE has that affect on people…DEVON finds it imasculating snd doesn’t enjoy her desire to take control over Susie’s Life and then in the Kitchen no LESS>..in SUSIE’s KITCHEN……She begins to plot out the plans and then warns about renting cars and UGHHHHHHH I want to throw knives…

How she exclaimed how she will take the kids around Scotland while
we are there I almost LOST it. I laughed and pointed to Steve that his MOm is thinking to TAKE the kids…it was so funny becasue she said it wasn’t what she was saying but had said she would use OUR house for home base and it was just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH that woman…ANy woman that tried to usurp MY position with my children and my husband…beware… it is not going to be pretty….

THat is what Devon feels and although I try to tame her I sometimes lose my balance and she gets in and makes her point known…to Steve..

This trip is NOT going to be your mother’s Trip..I don’t like her vibe when she feels she has to control – which is always- I am not playing second fiddle to her in my trip and in my house and in anywhere….

I am not having it and make sure she knows that…that there is no mistunadetanding about this..to anyone..I am not dealing with controlling issues when this is MY time to totally be the controlling one… I am creating this….
So let it be known….all thee ….and if you don’t like it and if i am NOT pleasing you enough. Then the next stop is three minutes away…get off the SUSIE train…the next stop is coming…patience pays..

UGGGHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGh

S

Kitchen

THe week in review

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THe few days I spent with Christina were amazing. I had just finished shooting a film called ‘Cuddles” and I was heading home when I got a call.
HIIIIIII-
Oh hey Christina…wait are you in MIami already?
I am …should I come over?

I was amazed that I had forgotten that CHRISITNA was arriving today and I was surprised that we were actually going to see each other bc I didn’t know the schedule.

I waited for her and was beyond thrilled when she pulled up in her rented car. Thankful Miami is alluring to her and i live in Miami and we met.

We went to Plant at Sacred space sans ways and pulled in put the top up on the convertible took a photo of three trucks with the letter K lined up next to each other. Ate DISGUSTING kimchi ravioli and intense cheese and delicious raw lasagne and a yummy Kambucha and a severe shot of ginger and some other quesadilla dish…we left after laughing about how the waiter’s voice needs to be in Pirates of the Caribean…

She had a class the next day so she left and Tuesday flew by and then on Wednesday she came with me to record a few chapters from Elana’s new book at the Audacity studio in Hollywood. Two full hours and then we ate Greek octopus’s and drove south to get our nails done. She chose a really nice color for my toes and I did my nails and eyebrows…then I went home and went to the gym with my fmaily and she stayed home with Mason while he cooked a sun basket dinner. Then we met Maria and Jen at the house and took an UBER to Sherwood’s expecting to meet someone for JEN but nope
I was served a salad that had been tossed with straight Mustard…Jen ate a massive Cinnabon with Ice Cream…Maria ate a fruit cobbler…I had two drink of fresh squeezed apples martini and CHRISITNA drank a Margaritta and had the kale salad tossed with the correct dressing.

THe manager flew out to apologize when I almost died of Mustard overdose and replaced the salad BUT i will never be able to eat that salad again and the fact that I actually paid to have Kale and Mustard makes me want to THROW UP…

We all went home after that to drop off Jen and get Maria’s car we were going to try and go dancing but to NO avail..we ended up at Anderson’s which was MOrgans and NO ONE…I MEAN NADA a PERSONA was there.

We took photos laughed and I nearly fell asleep in the chairs I pushed together SLOPPY all over..

THursday I had an audition in the Biltmore in MIami and CHRISITNA drove with me…I did the Lottery buried Tressure audition and then we found a healthy diner in COral gables and ate an açaí bowl and she had eggs and I had bacon to even out the protein and we talked about instagram and social media and I was getting sick..the idea of it..annoyed and then we tried to find stripper shoes in our size up on 163 street where I thought they still were but no- the Jewish Hasidic owner was not there anymore and neither were my size 11 stripper shoes or her size 8 wide ones.

WE drove home and I was tired…getting my period no doubt…and we started to read our TAROT cared online. I asked the tarot cards “if my class would bring me financial success and the cards ..all came out an emotional peace cards and NOT any about financial…it made us think that that my money desires are gong to come from the acting work and that my class is more Passion and Healing…

That relaxed me

I layed on my bright yellow green window seat and maria came over my mom called about her upcoming MOES surgery I was happy the house was full of estrogen and Steve was….somewhere…of yeah…out with his BOYS
And then yesterday

Maria arrived for our FRIDAY workout at 7- we walked for an hour did lunges then bear crawls then abs and then ACV drink and Decaf coffee. I was still mulling over /Complainig about the past weekend REACTION to my mother in Law who had tried to do her typical move and i defended myself and my vision …we discussed and I got over it but also realized that I had in the present state with her…for the first time…I stayed home… and was working when my mom arrived…she was taking the boys for a few and she mentioned THanksgiving being held at my Ouse. I agreed with the caveat that i can invite people i like and as long as she doesn;t have an issue with that then ok..maybe Have Heather host it too…

Her face grimaced but she moved on and I think accepted the RULE- so again I was able to adjust the power house MOTHER and add in my two cents without being childish..

THen while she had the boys I found a woman to do my headshots and heard I got a call back from the Lottery Burried Treasure commercial I began to work on my lines for the upcoming PHARA EVENT on Tuesday and had s trying of emails with my EX husband TIM who after writing me a monologue about our relationship asked me to do the same…I was brutally HONEST about what a DICK he was and even in his version he agreed…I informed him why we would never have worked out how I never felt self and etc etc..then I ended it with the truth…but all is fair in LOVE and war and I respect you now and want the best for you and we are freinds…

I had also gotten letters from AMY and Mica and Daria and I had one from Maria so I almost Had NINE monologues…

Then after all that computer and sitting I
then went to get th eboys on SOUTH BEACH at a tennis show place and home…

I travel to SOUTH BEACH almost daily these days

That night…

I went roller blading with Tripp’s and Steve and Steve had Tipp’s and we ran him all around the park.. it was great then we dropped him off and I went alone with Steve and we had a nice roamintic RIDE through our NICE romantic neighborhood and then I went home and made the steaks and kale chips and a yummy Boc choy salad. Steve had lentil soup and started talking about his mom I felt a rush and then a cool and then it was over…I was done…I don’t need to harp on details about his fmaily anymore…it doesn’t concern me in the least and that is the truth…
I love them all and yet I have no desire to know how and what their beliefs are as I have spent all I can on that and it is time to refocus on MY thoughts..my life and my career and as SELFISH as it may appear it is NOT at all…..and being in anyone else VIBE is NOT FOR ME..

Today is class and then maybe Ill go to the gym…

WHo knows.
S

Kitchen

Hello…..Soho Beach House

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Last year on December 11, I found out I had a membership to THE Soho house. I have been enjoying it all year but especially these last two months. I have devoted my FRIDAYS to RELAXING with my dear friend MARIA. We take the boys to school early and then we begin our full day or R and R.

IT has proven a very very productive venture. In these months I have learned to manage my time. Work on several projects without getting overwhelmed, connect with my girl freinds and just work out and have fun,

I love the SOHO house and I DEFY anyone to say anything bad about it.

It suits me..the women’s locker room is a breath of feminine elegance that ONLY women can enjoy and the feminine vibe and conversation that is held there is needed in our GENDER assimilated society.

I like being with GIRLS- Not Sexually… but for company and for companionship. Most for my freinds are women…but for a few…and I love that…and I am thankful that my DEAR FREIND MARIA and all her wonderfulness chooses to spend her FRIDAYS with me….

Maria and I became freinds about 7 years ago during T Ball and ever since we have been mostly in each other’s lives….I am happy for that…and I think she is too and our two boys love their two boys and it all seems to work out really well..

I am thankful to have a close companion on this ride called Motherhood////