Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

TOUGHHHHHH couple of weeks

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Steve has a HUGE personality and when he is in a mood it seeps into the house…into the walls..into the windows….I am the same…my moods are more in the air in the lights and in the sounds of the drawers closing but we are equal…but this last one…this last bit of WEATHER…was intense….it came from the north and hovered around and as much as I tried to avoid it…well…it wasn’t happening…

I absorb….I absorb energy and often I can walk away but this …when it is in your house….well I am shit out of luck..

My mom can slip it off her back…any type of annoying energy….I am the opposite..it seeps in and becomes mine..

I drove home today after dropping my son at school with tears in my eyes…streaming down my face while I scooted my convertible over the causeways and the cool morning air pressed my tears into my years…

I am getting old..my husband is in a mood and other than that life is amazing…this is how I know it isn’t me…I am working …I am executing…I am getting cast …I am doing me…no need for tears in my life…but for the wrinkles but these tears were deep chest tears…

He on the other hand is still trying to accept himself and can’t stop talking about business…has been the past three week…I will bring up anything…any topic and he can relate it back to business… super OCD and super like my father with the freaking condos.

My photos I took for my updated headshot are surely UPDATED…I am sun damages and wrinkly skin and it hurts my ego…I don’t even have fake boobs to rest my chin on…I am nothing…I have become nothing and in that… the wind blows through me sometimes and gives me the shivers…

I do however have my first private lesson coming up at the end of the month… I am gong to cancel my group classes and just do privates….I am going to cancel the rest of the month at Tropical Vinyasa as it has become more of a chore

I am meeting with a writer to talk about my book on Monday…I am gathering monologues written by people who KNOW me…for my upcoming show in Edinburgh so yes….it is mostly Steve

and so I came home we walked to our room and we had a talk…we had sex no we made love…which I have to say was super sweet and I accepted ….that my husband is a huge ball of amazing energy that gets tied up into a knot and while he is trying to get himself out he tends to bump into me a hell of a lot with his energy BALLS and it sucks but at least he talks …he wants to talk through it…we have viciously honest talks about life and age and forever and we never seem to ever…want to walk away…we are magnetized to each others for the good and the bad of it…

I was thinking my soul may wish my life was more calm …although I have only had two calm relationships in my life…with really sweet guys who smothered me in love…but in the end…couldn’t hold me..

so my soul may wish for gentler times but for now my man is STILL very much a MAN an amazing ALLPHA male trying with all his might to figure out how to unhinge himself from the rest of the DICKs and it hurts…it must feel like someone is puling off his skin…the outer layer he has used or use at times to get what you need to get done…and it it a tough piece of chicken fat keeping it attached…but today…we got closer

I told him he is difficult and he agreed…he accepted it…YANK

His grandfather was married 6 times…I get it…and all his wives drank….I get it…
I am born into a family of bearish woman…so I can seem to handle it…I cry I talk I pop the emotional pimple and we are free.

Kitchen

Goodbye….Devon..AKA Pain Body…

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I was listening to Eckhart Tolle and his talk about shining a light on the pain body is what my entire process of my work has been.

I take a flood light and point it at the pain and that way we can expose it to light.

Through my class we do this and thus your motivation..what you currently think is your currency is NOT your currency at all

It is just false motivation —like a spark run out a high you keep trying to replicate…

Pain is there to be transmuted not to be motivational and until this world understands that…

I shall create my own…my own loving world where I am exposing my pain as soon as I see HER…Miss Devon and dancing through her and setting her up to have her three minutes in the sun…and then I will resolve and move on because anything else is- like harboring anger is cruel and evil and WEAK….WEAK people can’t forgive because they aren’t sure they can hold onto themselves after they do.

But the truth is…it isn’t about holding on at all…it is about letting

The WEAK are correct..you will lose YOUESELF…if you dare to let go and that may be one of the main reasons people HOLD ON..

Kitchen

Hello…..FLOW ACTING

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I sat in the room and waited for the feedback…at the last read through..I did my monologue that the talented Juan Cejas wrote for me…and I was just….imbued with the feeling that I had hit upon something…a type of approach to my work that I loved and was going to be easy or easier for me to navigate out of.

I waited and the director said…what you did..the other night…”I was like…ok I am done…you’re good to go…so yeah the whole thing keep it.”

Ha…keep it?..what the fuck did I do?…I stood up and began again and then I realized that hands off the handlebar feeling I get when riding my bike or rollerblading on one leg..that trust is there..I finally have trust built NOT FROM my kudos that I kept searching for but from my internal self….I was able to let go because I got this…

I have since been working through the show and creating the movements softly and kindly and it is amazing…
I couldn’t see the force before because I was the force but let go of anger and the need to control and acting from a flow state is possible..not a happenstance but an totally possible reality I can replicate…

I am currently off regular coffee so I don’t get panicked.

I am letting go of promoting my class and keeping the rehearsal room for me but plan to move it to MTC.

I am not teaching groups and if anyone wants to work with me it is 125 an hour…and 150 for couples but honestly ..

I am fine…don’t need to worry about everyone else…just need to get my makeup and my outfits for my headshots…build up my Acting website and move along.

I see the play having something to do with NOTHING..being fluid and free and in the now and very very interactive…I plan to speak to Juan about it.

Kitchen

I booked another…..funny role

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I am finding my nitch lately….lesbians and funny girls and a career.

This month I filmed a short as a Lesbian lover and then A nurse a healer and now I am in rehearsal for another repressed expressed lesbian and then I am about to play a male role in Romeo and Juliet. I am super excited about it all. Oh, and i just got another film role in a Latin movie…maybe I am the token American in the Latin world…OY VEY no Mi DEgas…

I am getting my headshots done by my actor freind who can see me in all my glory and I realized that the one I had originally and for a long time wanted dosen’t actually see the part of me I want to show. She see’s her version of me and that is a very vindictive person.

I think it is all her mother but in the end it doesn’t matter..People cast us and we perform…

I am not responsible for healing people.

I am done being that becasue I am healed now..I am free…I am letting go of my class …writing the book and moving on…so excited about it…

XOXOXO

Acting

How I got out of character

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Getting out of character.

I am an actor and part of how I work is taking on other people’s thoughts, movements and beliefs. It is a fascinating dive into the empathy realm and the playing with the line of reality. What is reality. What is YOUR reality and what is their’s and sometimes that line bleeds…if you are lucky, if I am lucky I am so believing in my role that even I don’t know where Susie starts and this new role ends.

It is the ultimate necessity to be an actor. To have the fearlessness to release yourself and that is what it is all about. Being able to walk up those never ending stairs- movement by movement -or belief by belief or word by word or action by action into another dimension.

This is the scariest thing mostly because you k now somewhere in this journey you are sacrificing parts of your own self and like a diver..how long can you be under water without suffering from vertigo or whatever it is called where you can’t remember which way is up?

Acting…FOR ME….is like that…I get lost…usurped by the role and disappear…I keep a shell of myself and my world and my family and kids and husband represent that but more than that and the entry is harder…so I shed a lot…I let go of comipments and relationships and I disappear…

Maybe not to the naked eye but to any would seeker or evenly worker they’ll see..I am slipping…

One day after I had returned to acting after raising my young children into semi functioning children I was heading home and I remember as I opened the front door….Oh, Yeah…my kids.

It struck me as funny but the idea that I can release my motherhood role was fascinating.. and to do it to such a point that I had to actively remember it…well.it was all a bit MENTAL to say the least.

Then one day after playing a very lovely part who loved to cook but not into sex so much…my husband asked..When in Susie coming home?

IT made me stop chopping my scallions and look up. “Excuse me” I said or she said…who knows…

Steve repeated the question and it slowly sank in….HE KNOWS…he knows I am not quite myself …even in my own kitchen…

I smiled and said…”don’t you like her…she loves to cook…”

She is fine but I miss Susie he said and in that moment the veil of delete that I am perhaps many actors live with was revealed…I was missing…

Give your heart to someone…even another version of your self and it can be tricky to find the door to unbolt and retrieve yourself..

Unless you build a very clear path back to it…to her…. And that is what I have been working on.

Finding first who SUSIE is and then venturing off and trying to return sans too much collateral damage.

What I am about to share with you look me years to articulate but recently I was speaking at the Miami Beach chamber of commerce to their health and wellness committee and they received it…they didn’t;t run to take my class because the idea is still touchy but they got it and I felt in that room…they felt the idea flicker in their mind…

What if THEY TOO were still in character and if they were…what role was it and what would they be without it…

I

Kitchen

Goodbye….alcohol

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Funny little thing….

I haven’t Drunk anything for months and then in comes a freind and I have two drinks one night and then a week later at Halloween I pour a rum which I never drink and then last night a glass of wine at dinner after yoga.

I am getting over a cold from working my toosh off and feel that the push to reactivate my acting career has now been established and this desire for a little drink here and there is allotted but
The truth is-

I hate drinking.. I hate how it makes me feel——what is does to me…the things i’ve Done while on it…forgiven but still…and yet I had been having them and it is funny how things you don’t like can become habits becasue you do them once and then twice and then three times and now you have to check in…

I think this is why many people don’t venture outside their comfort zone in case they tap into a darker element and like it and that happens to me a lot.

I am trying to learn how to respond to things that don’t align with me better self…and rather only tap into my negative and I have found this month has been a LOT about that…and I handled myself super well.

I am a lover mostly and see the good in everyone despite what is does to me…I want to help but this month I have learned the skill of NOT GIVING A FUCK about people…this is an amazing feeling and a tool I am learning is great when being LESS involved..

I am not just working on establishing my own patterns and getting in touch with what this next month will be

I won’t be with my family during the HOLIDAYS—not my nuclear family..well actually I will be with them but not the ones I built the ones i was built into…anyway..

The point is that I am trying to live my acting LIFE and that means I have to make MAJOR sacrifices regarding my kids and husband this month…this month I am working on a play I tried not to be part of but they recast ME and wrote a really nice piece for me and so I was happy to do the job.

I am also learning how NOT to allow people to steal my love…bc one person I see is often companining and it is adicting and I don’t want to be part of it. And so I am going to reschedule my time with her…and see how that Works…I need to be more in my own world and open to meeting NEW people… and right now I am pretty busy with this one person which and whom I love but really…I need a break from the Habit of it all.

I need to stop meeting up with this conversation in my head..it is a BUZZ kill and I need to be around working people…creative working people again….thank goodness I have rehearsal today for the play I almost turne down….

Kitchen

Hello….Miami Motel Stories

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THe other night a group of about 30 plus THEATER PEOPLE gathered at a delapitated soon to be remodeled MOTEL on Biscayne Blvd in Miami FLorida.

We were meeting and greeting about a new production that Juggernut is doing and I was in awe of it all.

IT is a huge production with original concepts and scripts and an array of actors that just blew my mind..

I was not excited nor bored I was peaceful I was HOME and in that I realized that sometimes you have to leave everything you know at the door and enter through the kitchen and smell the seasonings to ever really truly love love love your life.

I was one of the oldest people in the room but I was beyond thankful…One actor I had known since I first moved back to mIami in 1999/2000- He told me that if I was going to marry Steve I would end up leaving acting…
He was right…I did…I left I raised kids and I built a marriage and now I am here….sitting near this fortune teller knowing I CHOSE my path and although I have a few more lines on my face and a few more cracks in the heart I am more alive than I have ever been and my acting…well…I am bringing a hole new journey and I think it is going to be amazing..

S

Kitchen

Hello……Bunny…goodbye …..

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A couple of years ago I wrote a play with a woman about two woman in the 1950s. We ended up creating a creative piece but in the end her and I had artistic differences as to the HOW to do the show.

Funny…we were able to create and when it came to the HOW we were going to create we split hard and cold and although we were amicable we were never close again.

The end of the story we wrote was how these two ACTORS run into each other years later and don’t you know it.

On my audition at the Biltmore for the call back fo the Lottery commercial in she walked. I approached her with love but was met with disdain and in that moement I felt the vast differences between us rise….I advised myself not to go in for a hug, as there may be blood shed in that action, so I sat outside and waited my turn.

As the universe had it we were called in and auditioned for the commercial as two freinds…nothing further from the truth…not hatred but just not friendship…

It is hard for me to find that middle ground being SUCH an extremist..
I love you or I hate you type but I have found this middle ground lately and it is less engaging and less drama and it is simply

I want for you what you want for you.

I didn’t get the role…maybe i was too pretty or not silly enough but in that audition room my heart was pounding louder than it has in years and the feeling I had with another past neutral person was reflected and I chose to walk away…and in that…that made all the difference in the world..

AFter the audition was over I left the room as fast as I could and my feet led me directly to my car. I floated there…My body doesn’t betray me often anymore..it tells me the truth and I listen to it and it is happy for that.

Kitchen

Hello…..working MOTHER

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I am at a presipus….i realize this location becasue I am in unease..I am not used to being pulled away and allowing it to happen…I tend to buckle and release my career and crawl to the side of my children but this month I am going to hold my ground…resist the urge to throw up my arms and rather embrace the feeling of being separated…embrace the feeling of succeeding in my career and my art and not let the guilt or sadness that I am not watching them smile at me hold me back..

THis world- AMERICA – which we live in is ANGRY and I want to try and see what would happen if as one artist..ME…enter in a concept of maternal….unconditional love….because that is easy enough if we/i stop getting angry at mothers who mother…if I just move along and become the Mother Terressa vibe when I can…or not…perhaps I will just ACT and create love in my eyes and that will be enough….

Today I head to Rehearsal and I will play both an angry ex wife and a Nurse…I will play them honestly and indepth and I will love my role with all my heart regardless of their possition in the story..

I will then drive to the Biltmore again and have a call back for a Lottery commercial about someone finding something on the Beach- which I have- an APPLE Watch for real- and then back to the Hilton for another run through of the show –

I am working..I am possibly getting sick…maybe another urinary track infection…which is said to be cause my being Pissed…I was I was mad at TIM for that call back to pain but then he was able to explain his actions and then I released it last night…in a prayer in the night and I feel better

I told Steve how the three holidays I am missing are making me sad but he helped me remember this is what I want and it is ok and ‘that the kid and I are ok…”
Like yesterday Mason and I went to South Beach for a few hours and it was nice and we ate at UPLAND and he told me he had been upset with me bc I took away his phone and that’s been why he hasn’t been himself towards…me…it made me sad, to be the bad MOM but it also made me understand that those actions…willing to not be liked by my son are ok..
We are fine now…

I am gathering monologues from people about me and understanding people’s perspective of things…it is interesting to hear the thoughts of others about me…not surprising but interesting..

I am excited to see what I make of all this and how my one woman show turns out…
My story told through the eyes of myself and reflected through others/
S

Kitchen

A lil about DEVON and her issues…

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Devon is the part of me that can’t stand any other woman coming near my husband…even if it is his mother..I hate it..i hate how he acts like a child near her..like her KID and I am his wife..so the role of CHILD wins and it is disgusting to DEVON…not cute…annoying and it bothers DEVON.that SHE has that affect on people…DEVON finds it imasculating snd doesn’t enjoy her desire to take control over Susie’s Life and then in the Kitchen no LESS>..in SUSIE’s KITCHEN……She begins to plot out the plans and then warns about renting cars and UGHHHHHHH I want to throw knives…

How she exclaimed how she will take the kids around Scotland while
we are there I almost LOST it. I laughed and pointed to Steve that his MOm is thinking to TAKE the kids…it was so funny becasue she said it wasn’t what she was saying but had said she would use OUR house for home base and it was just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH that woman…ANy woman that tried to usurp MY position with my children and my husband…beware… it is not going to be pretty….

THat is what Devon feels and although I try to tame her I sometimes lose my balance and she gets in and makes her point known…to Steve..

This trip is NOT going to be your mother’s Trip..I don’t like her vibe when she feels she has to control – which is always- I am not playing second fiddle to her in my trip and in my house and in anywhere….

I am not having it and make sure she knows that…that there is no mistunadetanding about this..to anyone..I am not dealing with controlling issues when this is MY time to totally be the controlling one… I am creating this….
So let it be known….all thee ….and if you don’t like it and if i am NOT pleasing you enough. Then the next stop is three minutes away…get off the SUSIE train…the next stop is coming…patience pays..

UGGGHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGh

S