How we exit a story, I have said a million different times, is how we enter the next one. The art of the exit is equal to the base layer of your next canvas. Draw blood and you will need effort to cover it. Draw pain and you will need patience to hold the brush, draw anything and you will use that to draw and so…. DRAW grace and you will need but love to secure your frame.
I am about to turn 48. I can look at every one of my dominant relationships and say…in my way and from my perspective I exited the relationship at some point in GRACE….even if the very next day we have lunch…i can karmically remove my hooks from you and in that allow you leverage to shake free from me…from my holdings …from my ripple…
IF someone walks in and does my ACT for me…. SLAPS you or something…
I have lost my own power
I have been victimized twice
I have not owned my own self and I have not built my own exit but YOU have
You have built a bridge and that bridge….is what I lay me feet on
and it is sticky and it is yours and it is again
SO I return
I ask for a larger audience
I seek another attempt at a graceful exit from myself as she is
But where does all my pain go?
Your pain is a spark to a fire that can be swallowed carefully…like a fire eater and as you do this.. in grace…in full awareness that YOU are eating you OWN ending you sacrifice your Pain…you sacrifice your INJUSCTICE…. you feel it sizzle and burn and get raw you feel your exposer your vulnerability and it…
IT FEELS everything… newly
and you hear the wind in you throat and a new space is opened a cave that was shut down from a prior avalanche of insult of injury is softly simmered open and when your lips part again…the words you speak are not of yours but of the revealed self you have just met within…
she whispers and you strain to listen
and then you only hear her
and then you remember
I am that I am and you are that your are
what good is eating my own fingers.
Marriage is this…is this very slippery slope you are trying to navigate…to where…I suspect a look out…a viewpoint…a moment when you can access the distance you achieved. Or so I thought.
Marriage I have found in my 20 year of becoming a married woman….is about reflection…a house of mirrors you can’t escape that you eventually ( maybe) begin to feel the need to just sit down in….see the versions of you and realize…this is a truth…
maybe not you one you wished to expose
maybe not the one you thought you’d maintain the entire two decades
maybe not even a version of a person you would hug in the street but
you just the same
if you are able to receive that…a group of impressions from a person and their family and your family of who you are… then you stay married
If you can’t
If other people’s inability to totally see you whole tortures you…
I suppose ( like I have often toyed with ) RUN
RUN The hell out of anything that offers you broken versions of your perfection.
I have come to understand my kinder mirror is in nature…in the ocean and in the trees.
They care not what your camera captures.
They know not of what light allowed the golden rule to exist
they care nothing
And they–like me— respect others limited perspective….limited viewpoint…
and i …i soften my gaze –blur my vision and
feel myself. we FEEL just FINE and that…that new understanding of a FINE TUNED PERSON……
sits still in the joy of her achievement…
sits anywhere on that slippery slope and realizes as she places her hands on the ground…
it was all a perspective…the ground has been leveled -the road clear and only the internal chaos has murkied the playing field.
Marriage is what you make it…
just like anything else you do in your life
So 20 years just given a spiritual handshake
Yes the sky is what you say it is Pertrucio
and yes I KATE have become a married woman
and what of that.
A place to hold my chair to sit and mediate to take a breath.
My marriage is my touchstone……
to the next 20
One thing to think about before you remove your implants is HOW MUCH do you love yourself. Becasue Boobs are a buffer…they shield you from your own hate and make you into a pretense….so if you remove them..your shields are down and you have to face everything straight on…you can’t push your chest out and deflect the negativity or perhaps they absorb it for us….from us and to us…and like anything FAKE….it deflects and the reality of our world or our natural state is distorted to the point that the distortion becomes the reality.
sooooooo to be clear…best get your LOVE on before you take those out because I spent four years rebuilding my LIFE before I removed them and I still was brought to my knees at the lack of POWER I had without them…but being truthful- power built on falseness is not power at all but a delusion and thus the crumbling of a delusion is what brought me to my knees but once I rose up..I have hand rails to grab..an acting career to reenter…a marriage to strengthen…and children and loving kind friends to support me…
I set the stage for my entrance and when I finally reentered…I was not alone or living a lie..I was my original self with more scars…
so just prep your emotional life before you do it.
a few questions..
Why did you get them
Does that reason still exist
Are you ok with no having big boobs because socially they are a commodity
are you ok with letting go of a version of yourself
Are you ok with recasting yourself into the itty bitty committee.
Are you OK?
Then just shower yourself in Kindness and find loving hands to do the procedures and take your time and peel the ROLE off…slowly and lovingly for if you do it with a quick hand…as many of these doctors suggest…you will have missed the mourning process and it is in that mourning you set yourself free.