Time is folding in on us. I am meeting up with my younger self and we are totally in love with each other. Steve is passing people from his past and there is not a thread holding him. He is lighter and I am lighter and the concept of flying doesn’t feel so foreign.
Being married and being a wife and a mother and dealing with family members on all sides is a decade journey in negotiations— if they happen to be involved in your life. The cold distant type may seem like a problem but imagine the warm engaging type…those actually need your attention and your self awareness and in the end your love to the utmost.
Steve and I both have families that engage…desire…want and yearn to be involved…this is like a 40 person play that has to be wrangled…and for years I have attempted it but this year…
I fired myself. I am devoting myself to my work and focusing on my nuclear family and not feeling in any way beholden to the rest of them. I gave almost 20 years of my best and I still couldn’t play the role well so I’ll bid goodbye and stick to what I play best. I play ACTOR best…the girl that has the job that can’t make it RoLE…the one that is too busy to entertain any bizarre concept of not being good enough in my Brian becasue —-I don’t have time for that.
I am not nor never will be the ideal family member in a CUBAN family. I am not – even after all these years- good at the way they maneuver..each other…
Funny how cultures have this lineage of understanding that you will never know unless you are born into it…it is threaded into their DNA and you can’t change DNA.
I love them…with all my heart but looking back this constant need to please has broken me at my knees and I have let myself and my craft down.
There comes a time when you realize that if not now…if not fully now…for the love and joy of it…then when…
And Since i have no issues and no pretense to the type of acting I do other than ( for now) I have no desire to be an angry B*tch..but other than that…i am open to being here as an actor doing the work that I believe actors can and should be doing..Helping people communicate their truth…whatever that is.
