Tag: Botox


Devon….it is time to go.

I get these moods. You can call them that…during my period and I am not of this world…I am foreign to myself and an unwelcome visitor to my family. I claim it is PMS that brings her but recently she arrives after that period and hangs out like a gate keeper…She is annoyed she is late and plots endlessly to insure we don’t soon forget her.

She’s been here becasue I haven’t been dancing with her of late…no studio to escape to…I fear..

Devon has very scrappy hair and runs around with long tie dyed draw string pants and usually no shirt…Devon is 8 – she has no boobies at all and no shoes and she caries two knives…

I think she arrived on my 5th Birthday when my sister told me I wasn’t allowed to play in my own game at my own party becasue I wanted to choose my water balloon toss partner – and I didn’t want my sister to choose for me.

She was in charge of the carnival games my family had put together- I guess or she acted like she was. And under the big tree out back while they were all playing catch…with the water balloons to an egg race with plastic spoons…something where a partner was needed…

She made me sit out of the game all together and in that moment DEVON was born..they say people get their split personalities from trauma…this wasn’t a trauma – this was a totally BS situation that I was forced to deal with bc my older sister said so…I remember..and so maybe Devon is really 5 for all time and she arrives NOT during my period but whenever I feel I am not getting my way. Whenever I am being bullied. When I am adjusting or accommodating and it is during my Period that I can’t control her..I can’t shut her up or console her and let her know it is all going to be OK.

Devon wants to be 5 years old forever…not sure why..she had no power then and she has no real power now but to drives me crazy and forces me to follow the truth.

Oh, there is is…Devon is my truth slayer…not too many people like Devon very much…thus me..but I suppose I’ll have to keep her…I was considering sending her off and making a ceremony of it…but…will that mean I am no longer truthful? I fear that may be true. But truth is dependent on the beholder.

Devon—she wants me to get Botox and look HER age but I am trying to explain that isn’t necessary to be HEARD. and she is challenging me but..I win out. The Older Devon. With her crazy hair pulled back and cream on her face to help with wrinkles says NO…not again…been there done that and that will be a lie for ME…this self…so we have to pass..we have to find another way to have great skin and not resort to Botox toxins…

Devon is pondering it…she is walking back and forth on the back yard with her pocket knifes on the ready and shaking her head …she is talking to herself too…to who is she talking to I wonder…To her older self I suppose…to me…

I’ll listen and let her speak her mind and then we will sit outside and check out the stars together and know we are sleeping under the same ones only a blink away.

Night Night Devon….

XO s


the BOTOX LOBOTOMY generation and the repercussions

When I was in High school there was an acting teacher..a very disturbed one… that informed me of the very important F.F.L. look i needed to master for any casting call I might go on.

The F.F.L stood for the Freshly Fucked Look. It consisted of hair that was messy and a look on my dewy face that was satiated, pleased and relaxed…very very relaxed.

I was 16 years old and I was being informed that my fuckability was my value…a value…something I need to know how to use.

Fast forward I am 44 and I am fighting with my forehead lines…the one that he mentioned to be in my acting class…were NOT FFL at all and said.. ” you need to relax your forehead!” RELAX…..

This keeps in my head because as I grow OLDER and my LINES become more established I become in his mind and in the mind of the biz…more and more UN-FUCK-ABLE- less and and  less valued..

So I have in the past and women do try as much as they can N0T to have those lines and the perfect cure seemed to be BOTOX but…for me…as an actress…with botox…the feelings…the feeling receptors in my face…began to mute…I can’t feel it…So all I end up doing is PRESENTING…ACTING with a capital A essentially  FAKING it..

I still go back to a child looking at a mother trying to get that empathetic response and she can’t give it bc her face is frozen and what the body hears from that in

This is what working with BOTOX people feels like to me so I am only assuming…a child innate being feels that way too.

I am NOT BEING RECEIVED…and that is where we as liberated women are…still cashing in on our fuckable account…our male gaze Credit cards we are cashing in on…trying to de dept free while the hole time using the secret credit card….

Doesn’t work = gotta pay to play

Yesterday or so an article about BOTOX helping with DEPRESSION came out in EllE Magazine

..this was proof of what I have been saying for years…as my lines grew and I aged…you face affects your feelings

So if it is mainstream why hasn’t my DR. told me they KNOW about emotional mutation from Botox…UMMMMM HELLO

If you mute emotional receptors….in your face through freezing and you are NOT clinically depressed…. you will also mute the JOY receptors also….it is just science… you can’t choose what to feel and what not to feel without hindering you entire experience on this earth..

It is tough…loosing my MALE GAZE and not even wanting it…and returning to my inner worth…it is SOOOOOOO hard…..but eliminating a visceral experience on purpose that could lead me to a clearer understanding of who and what and how I move through this earth…well…that just seems so similar to the Lobotomies we cringe at.

I am sure a couple decades..like with my implants and all the harm those can really cause..the long term affects of trying to remain FUCKABLE to the Male Gaze will have it’s coming …ha…but even more so the muting of empathetic expressions….

Why has the world become so Don’t give a fuck?
It is because most of the women I know look like NOTHING bothers them… and although appearances are not everything….they are important with how we feel we are and how and who we show the world…

I have lines…
I am 44 years old
I’d still fuck me….I think..

TO all those beautiful women crossing over to your own power…it comes at a cost.. you can’t stay 25 for ever and you can’t become wise without wisdom and wisdom comes from understanding your experiences…and if you mute them…this one life you have…will be dampened…just like anything else..

Yes I get sad

Yes I get Mad

Yes I get Angry

Yes I get Joyful

Yes I know you can’t choose to abort an emotion as an actor… although I have tried..I have attempted to choose happy roles but in the end the goodness has a tinge of sadness in them…always…no real role is monogrammatic……

bitter sweet chocolate and a bitter sweet life..in the end is rich and fulfilling.

I am all about beautiful beings and love and kindness…and it is not an external thing but only those on the inside can feel it…

there is a cross in the path now..some will go right and some will go left and at the end we will mesh into the ground and become one…

till then- venture on your own path…own it with all your might and let loose and love…and learn that beauty fades despite the ADS but not ETERNAL BEAUTY.
Cherished  love  forgive…
even your own faults….
mostly those.


Hello…..critical eye

THe hardest thing for me about NOT doing BOTOX..is when a person I love who does do BOTOX comes over and looks at me and I think I know that all they are thinking is UGH..”why doesn’t Susie deal with those crazy ass lines on her face?”

I just got home from an audition where the guy said, as I walked in..you are beautiful…so the thing is we have to understand who we are going to listen to – Men, Women…ourselves… all of it! Many people have said that to me as I walk into a room. I think there is a vibe when I am in my actor role that I internally shine…I happened to do a wonderful audition and I was thrilled…I immediately put on music and drove away and let the character dissolve before i returned home…


Although I love my botoxed friends and think they mostly look amazing and young…I have to remember that I am answering to a higher authority..the film and theater world that creates stories and the story I want to tell or at the the perspective of the story I want to tell is from a person who has learned -eventually -to accept her age and yes…there are porcelen faces all around me and yet I look great frozenish too but

I am somehow here to say…THe breast were enough of a falsehood for a lifetime…Lesson is that “Lies and Susie” don’t go well. I tend to confuse them for fact and build a world on those lies and then I end up in a false version of myself…a FAKE reality and when I am in acting the most important thing I need to have is a REAL HOME WITH REAL PEOPLE AND REAL STORIES

I am MUCH more honest now and in my honesty I have to admit I am growing older everyday and I will be looking more and more like my elders everyday and although I want to try and stop time from time to time the only way to stop it is to end it and that…that is not my desire.

I love looking at my children and seeing them age and I hope the same for them to me. Steve is not into fake and he now has a sense for is so it kind of works out for both of us for me to stay honest

On that note I am going to double down on my hood and build on to my house and release any desire to upgrade becasue as the end of the day I am just interested in being me and doing me and this is where i am growing…

I literally just had an audition with a women who I met at my gym a few years ago. I am in the right city- it is all going to evolve and I want to evolve with it.And again in order to evolve I am going to have to allow myself to gracefully kindly grow older.