Tag: emotions

Acting Projects SURFing Process


Last year…love saying that…funny how time allows for distance and yet time is a perception we believe in. Time is nothing…but if enough people agree it links one days and nights on a string…

2018- Thank you… thank you for giving me the strength to remove my fake breast and attempt to live a life that is not based on my false angst sexual energy in a city that values such things.
Thank you for letting me find my truer self beneath them and for giving me a class of loving students that surrounded me with unconditional love throughout the transition. Knowingly or not.

Forgive me for walking away from people and places I couln’t manage anymore…and forgive me for trying to mange anyone. Thinking t was all on me.

I love you for all you have allowed me to learn in my true self…to find a way to create my art through love and kindness…

I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you and those close to me…for my missteps and my residue of anger..for my DEVON who rises within me when I am too tired..I am sorry for not forgiving…for wanting control over my own kids for trying to think i still have that or ever had that.

Thank you for letting me feel what SPACE feels like ..what living without angst feels like…what moving from flow and lightness is like and that is is possible..

Thank you for teaching me what NICE and LIGHT feels like…within me and within others..

Thank you allowing me to battle the BOTOX pull..to love it and leave it and to then be given a role that crushed any idea of what beauty is for me.

Thank you for getting me back to London to forgive my younger self so I can remeet her.

Thank you for inspiring me to FINALLY do my one woman show for finding a theater in Edinburgh for finding a house…there ..for the gift of my family coming with me in AUGUST to be part of my art and for me thinking of that as a possible future..having BOTH worlds.

Thank you for getting that Basel cell out of my head …for opening up my minds eye and removing any limitiation…

Thank you for allowing me to find a loving world of creatives WoRKING in Miami…

Thank you for introducing me to a Writor that outlines a book that I may write after the play at the FRINGe.

Thank you for wanting to get a grant and perhaps for NOT getting it but for hearing my work written out in a way that is understandable to ME

Thank you for allowing me to find my lower tiny abs that were for sure cut and disconnected during the c section and for allowing me to lift my legs up straight into a head stand.

Thank you for giving me a soft relationship to MASON …that he speaks to me about his life and yet doesn’t demand I FIX it and yet I know nothing…

Thank you for giving Jaedon a great school he seems to enjoy and for classes that are challenging him and for allowing us to be CALM about things..he found an IT class that is enjoyable for him

Thank you for giving STEVE and I a connection in PEACE…in SLOW and STEADY and owning our TURTLE NESS…

Thank you for giving me the love of the cast and crew for the piece of Mrs. Wade…my entrance back into the theater and for the new agent I found and for the two films I booked myself on and for all that may come in my acting career.

Thank you for allowing me to be open to the idea that my work can be created FROM love not in search of it or the lack of it…that a role can be built on channeling and then removing any connections you have to that character and NOT relating to THEM in a personal way at all..by truly removing yourself….

Thank you for allowing me to play Mrs. Wade and test my process and have a connection with my community in a REAL way by being a Channel back into time…back into a universe.. a TIME that both does and deosn’t exist…

Thank you for giving me a yoga instructor I trust and is not too invasive…for sending me to movement to sorftness. And away from loud music and aggressive sounds…from lifting weight..with force…

Thank you for allowing me to trust FLOW in my world…for giving me the trust to allow Steve to handle emotional issues with our children…

Thank you for pulling me towards love…for magnetizing those on a frequency that elevate me..

Thank you for connecting me with GLoria at the Xmas eve party about a possible outlet for my class and ideas…

Even though I was hiding…I was repelling from it..thank you for allowing me to not RUN like I have and perhaps trust that this is something of interest to me and the universe

Thank you for allowing me to NOT have a charge on too many people….but to keep myself somewhat connected to my circle…of energy.

And thank you for allowing me to sit here and see my husband and my youngest go for a winter walk and…..talk about anger and pain and how to manage the fire within us..EMOTIONAL walk…

In the past I would push myself to the front line and take all the emotional responsibility and now I am able to allow other people to take the lead…and for me to sit quietly on the side line as I am not the core…but the air…not the force but the vessel…not the fire but the heat and in that I can seperate myself from any feeling of gratitude or entitlement…i am nothing….

Nothingness is a little scary for me..it is a feeling of falling thorugh the holes in the earth…through…the filters….the sifters…and what remains…in grains of sand….singular and similar but in no means connected.

Just unified in a journey of playing with the waves…..

Sand on the waves


Letting go of …Drama

NOT being in charge is like softly being ticked on my arm…It isn’t something I like at the start…it is actually a little annoying and boring and I can watch my child like self start to feel uncomfortable in the calm but I have begun to hold ground…transmute the irritation and let the wave pass over me.

Funny how being OK is something i have to get used to!

Truth is, I am much more comfortable in DRAMA…I can function well in it and high emotions are more normal than copesetic situations.

I can trace this back and I have but the point is at the end of the day when you understand that a calm relating feeling eventually get boring and yet…I know it is the healthier way..unless something has actually HAPPENED…but for the most part…

Life can be VERY VERY calm and chill and flowing and my new approach is to allow those around me …the ones I am physically connected to to guide me.. I hold my own disposition but I take action as in where and when though those that have more…hmmm more need to control

WHat this does is that it alleviates me from the position of pretending I am someone who wants to control…and it allows the person who is great at controlling and leading…ie- my husband…a place to do it without resistance.

I am sure this is due to the fact that I am NOT dying to be anywhere else. I think a great deal of disatisfaction is when there is somewhere else you’d rather be than where you are..this —-for me taps into the feeling that —-something else would make me more content/happy/satisfied/ etc

But the understanding I am in right now is that the ability to keep a society unsatisfied in ever are is the ability to create turmoil, purchasing, hate and aggression.

SOmeone has to be OK and content…There has to be an anchor in the world…people who are thankful for who they are, what they have, what they look like, what they can and can’t do…someone has to be like that…

In a family as well. I am becoming more and more aware that the more OK i am with being a mom and a wife and taking care of the family ( I don’t do everthing…my kids and husband cook and food shop and are very self sufficient ) but the vibe…the energy or the person that is THERE…that is important and I have the opportunity to be that…so I am going to take it and enjoy it..and stop complaining that I am not something OTHER than me..

It feels like…a rambling river…

I am entertaining myself my challenging myself in kind physical challenges…( I’ll explain soon)