Being able to open your mind up to a conversation that is not yours is a risk. Once you’re open, you become vulnerable, able to be seduced into another way of thinking. You might find yourself doing and believing in things that go against who you are at your core. Following the shadow…. I like to say…instead of the light.
Shadow is easy to feel and thus follow. We like to feel things….be inspired…have that intensity…. but often that is a lure…a hook….
How do you really know KNOW if you are following a shadow?
To me, dance is my litmus test. It I don’t feel like I can move…then it is a BIG SIGN. If I can’t move to songs that used to bring me joy, songs in the key of love aka C, then I am most likely following a shadow…stuck in a character.
HOWEVER…
if I just can’t move.. to ANYTHING…and I don;t feel inspired by any song in any key, then I am possibly stuck in LIMBO… Two worlds fighting over me.
In my SURF process I am both in my story and in my future Self…at the same time.
To end the jammed feeling, I have to commit to a decision…one side or the other or I will start to get angry or emotional or irritated…I can be at a place of CD for a couple of weeks at the most……toying with the two versions of the stories. I use my imagination and let myself feel each version in my body. I ask myself…if I do that…what will I feel like?
Choosing one will feel like light and joyful…but then I question that feeling being right by wondering if that being chicken…is that me not challenging myself? Me not wanting to go THERE,,…and so I return to LIMBO and weigh my options again.
If I choose the other choice… I recognize the lack of joy in it. I see myself, in this situation, doing the play and I see it going well and I see my own heart being black…It is not fulfilling my soul…just my EGO. Just like Her…my character
At a time where the idea of serving and helping is more than needed, why would I not focus on that? As a person who feels called to help, why would I not be in that world right now?
That is interesting to me and I go back to LIMBO and sit a little. I Look for words to express my feelings a little… speak softly to confidents my “team”
Then I start to cry from the release of ONE of the choices…
The one that is actually holding me back…and I move toward the joy knowing how easily I could have and was being seduced by ego…empty gains that don’t fulfill me anymore. YET…still can seduce me.
I went into this with ROLE with a salivating tongue…that is the always a bad sign. How tricky seduction is…even when you know it is bad for you…. you sometimes have to go all the way in to unhook yourself from it.
I am undueing myself go from role. I hope it frees me to follow my own lightness.
Being able to open your mind up to a conversation that is not yours is a
risk. Once you’re open, you become vulnerable, able to be seduced into another
way of thinking. You might find yourself doing and believing in things that go
against who you are at your core. Following the shadow…. I like to say…instead
of the light.
Shadow is easy to feel and thus follow. We like to feel things….be
inspired…have that intensity…. but often that is a lure…a hook…. and
depending on how strong that shadow is to you at the time… how you are able
to battle it will be the determining factor. But how do you really know KNOW if
you are following a shadow?
To me, dance is my litmus test. It I don’t feel like I can move…then it is
a BIG SIGN. If I can’t move to songs that used to bring me joy, songs in the key
of love aka C, then I am most likely following a shadow…stuck in a character.
HOWEVER… if I just can’t move to ANYTHING…any song in any key, then I am
stuck in LIMBO… Two worlds fighting over me.
To end the jammed feeling, I have to commit to a decision…one side or the
other or I will start to get angry or emotional or irritated…I can be at a
place of CD for a couple of weeks at the most……toying with the two versions
of the stories. I use my imagination and let myself feel each version in my
body. I ask myself…if I do that…what will I feel like?
Choosing one will feel like light and joyful…but then I question that
feeling being right by wondering if that being chicken…is that me not challenging
myself? Me not wanting to go THERE,,…and so I return to LIMBO and weigh my
options again.
If I choose the other choice… I recognize the lack of joy in it. I see
myself, in this situation, doing the play and I see it going well and I see my
own heart being black…It is not fulfilling my soul…just my EGO. Just like
Her…my character
At a time where the idea of serving and helping is more than needed, why
would I not focus on that? As a person who feels called to help, why would I
not be in that world right now?
That is interesting to me and I go back to LIMBO and sit a little. I Look
for words to express my feelings a little… speak softly to confidents my “team”
Then I start to cry from the release of ONE of the choices…
The one that is actually holding me back…and I move toward the joy knowing
how easily I could have and was being seduced by ego…empty gains that don’t
fulfill me anymore. YET…still can seduce me.
I went into this with ROLE with a salivating tongue…that is the always a
bad sign. How tricky seduction is…even when you know it is bad for you….
you sometimes have to go all the way in to unhook yourself from it.
I am undueing myself go from role. I hope it frees me to follow my own
lightness.
One thing to think about before you remove your implants is HOW MUCH do you love yourself. Becasue Boobs are a buffer…they shield you from your own hate and make you into a pretense….so if you remove them..your shields are down and you have to face everything straight on…you can’t push your chest out and deflect the negativity or perhaps they absorb it for us….from us and to us…and like anything FAKE….it deflects and the reality of our world or our natural state is distorted to the point that the distortion becomes the reality.
sooooooo to be clear…best get your LOVE on before you take those out because I spent four years rebuilding my LIFE before I removed them and I still was brought to my knees at the lack of POWER I had without them…but being truthful- power built on falseness is not power at all but a delusion and thus the crumbling of a delusion is what brought me to my knees but once I rose up..I have hand rails to grab..an acting career to reenter…a marriage to strengthen…and children and loving kind friends to support me…
I set the stage for my entrance and when I finally reentered…I was not alone or living a lie..I was my original self with more scars…
so just prep your emotional life before you do it.
a few questions..
Why did you get them
Does that reason still exist
Are you ok with no having big boobs because socially they are a commodity
are you ok with letting go of a version of yourself
Are you ok with recasting yourself into the itty bitty committee.
Are you OK?
Then just shower yourself in Kindness and find loving hands to do the procedures and take your time and peel the ROLE off…slowly and lovingly for if you do it with a quick hand…as many of these doctors suggest…you will have missed the mourning process and it is in that mourning you set yourself free.
A couple of years ago I wrote a play with a woman about two woman in the 1950s. We ended up creating a creative piece but in the end her and I had artistic differences as to the HOW to do the show.
Funny…we were able to create and when it came to the HOW we were going to create we split hard and cold and although we were amicable we were never close again.
The end of the story we wrote was how these two ACTORS run into each other years later and don’t you know it.
On my audition at the Biltmore for the call back fo the Lottery commercial in she walked. I approached her with love but was met with disdain and in that moement I felt the vast differences between us rise….I advised myself not to go in for a hug, as there may be blood shed in that action, so I sat outside and waited my turn.
As the universe had it we were called in and auditioned for the commercial as two freinds…nothing further from the truth…not hatred but just not friendship…
It is hard for me to find that middle ground being SUCH an extremist..
I love you or I hate you type but I have found this middle ground lately and it is less engaging and less drama and it is simply
I want for you what you want for you.
I didn’t get the role…maybe i was too pretty or not silly enough but in that audition room my heart was pounding louder than it has in years and the feeling I had with another past neutral person was reflected and I chose to walk away…and in that…that made all the difference in the world..
AFter the audition was over I left the room as fast as I could and my feet led me directly to my car. I floated there…My body doesn’t betray me often anymore..it tells me the truth and I listen to it and it is happy for that.
Me Myself and II studied acting in school since I was in 5th grade. I loved it. Learning how to become another person was fascinating to me and I became an expert at it.
The reason I am not going to “perform” ever again is that it is based on lying and deception. A tool that has allowed me to grow OFF my center. Off my Authentic point.
Learning to become another person to the best of your abilities is freeing as it allows you to look back on your OWN character with new perspective. THe issue is when you PLAY the CHaracter so long that you have forgotten which is the real YOU- the real authentic self.
Charge is powerful- wether it comes from applause or likes or money- It helps you feel like you are alive. THe problem is that sometimes that charge is plugged into the wrong outlet – not LOVE – but rather PAIN- FEAR- SEX- and you are simply creating a FALSE version of yourself.
The healing art of acting -when used to let go of characters rather than add characters is a beautiful tool for me- a process I enjoy sharing with people who desire to KNOW THEMSLEVES FULLY AS WELL.
THe story -the way we connect to ourselves, to each other, to our past and to our future seems like the logical place to start when you want to let go of pain in your life. G0 to the point of entry.
But GO as An actor Goes towards a role. With a notebook and curiosity and lots of respect and love for the story. If you judge it the story will go fuzzy.
I love using music and movement and it has been how I healed ALL my pain. I am not angry or angst UNLESS something enters into my immediate life and it is not for me- THEN I get angry and angst and I address that STORY ASAP. BUT there are no layers involved usually- it is just a toxin that came in and because my air is clean I feel it and it bothers me…and I try and get it out ASAP.
This process came to me through my own personal experiences and yesterday I was pointed in the direction of narrative Psycology and from what I read this is the umbrella of what I came to realize and explore in my SURF MEthod.
As an actor trained to hold story to access emotion I eventually found this troubling when my own father past away and I was holding the pain and the injury and counldn’t understand why I wasn’t letting go.
What was revealed to me was that I was trained to use pain as motivation. Anger as inspiration and I believe now that our society has absorbed this training in our content and as a society are being programmed through our PROGRAMS to do the same.
Subconsciencly i couldn’t let go of the pain because my internal actor was harboring it in her tool kit. I finally found this story within myself and kindly and softly sat down with HER and said. Listen…even if we never act again you can’t carry this pain with you my love, you Won’t make it. She released that was a truth and though my SURF movement process slowly and thus the idea of relief set in.
I learned through this idea personally and by training others that empathetic acting is much more interesting but the only way to insure you aren’t hurting yourself and others by “USING IT” ( a line in acting to tap into your pain and use it for your role) is to know you have cleaned your plate of all the HYPER CHARGE STORIES you have..
LEtting go of anything that you hold as a version of WHO YOU ARE is what this is about and many people do not SEPERATE the STORY from theirselves. If feels like a death, a MELTING away and even having been doing it for years it never gets easier but the process goes faster and the relief lasts longer.
Last night I followed a sign and went to a movement studio in MIami called the Republic of Movement and as we began the first game A smile crossed my face…I found a gold nugget that is in the movement itself kind and not demanding and honest and not forced. Exactly what I have internally found within myself.
MY question was- How do you move from GRACE…well last night I found out…Beautifully and Slowly.
