Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

A PLAY- JEWBANA

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I spent the past several years piecing myself together. trying to find out who I am …through movement…through videos…through writing and now through play. I am putting all the pieces back together again…Humpty Dumpty.

I created a concept and wrote a play with my dearest darling NEDRA….we are taking the play to Edinburgh as a salute to Motherhood and parenthood and the roles we play…and to actors and how we hold the key to mental health…by understanding how to GET OUT OF CHARACTERS….fully.

We started writing this I believe….in November by asking people to help me and then slowly found myself with Nedra writing out the stories they all sent in and tying it up in a bow-ish type of thing…I rewrote it she and I spent hour on the phone skit by skit and in the the final pages were nailed in…

Today Nedra wrote me the end of the play and I will be sending it t a director Monday and in that we will begin the rehearsal process.

the next phase of creation.

I did a scene last night about wrinkles about age and in that I was liberated…like a had never felt …or recently felt…a sense of FUCK YOU AND….I am still SUSIE KREITMAN TAYLOR…

I create art in my home town in my own city and. I tell stories I like and love to hear…and that my friends ….is all I need…..beyond my family

Simple girl…surrounded by love….xoxoxoxo

S

Kitchen

BEAUTIFULLY OLD BOTOX-LESS

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In order to change something, you have to stay in the thing and be the change. You have to hold your place till the opportunity arises to crush it all.

Last night I filmed a scene in a bathroom in the mirror…and it was about me…my character… growing old…No. ..me ..my character…being old…it was a camera on my skin in my face and in my soul saying…look what you are so scared of?…these wrinkles?…these tiny lines?…this skin?…this is what you are scared of?

I played the scared woman and with that I exited the bathroom and felt a slow rush that took about two hours to process…

it was a FUCK YOU Rush.

When I exited the bathroom the three woman on set were discussing to themselves their own personal need for BOTOX and sleeping on their back…after watching my scene on the monitor-my face has caused them to fear the future …. what is coming and in that…

in that I realized I am the future. I am beyond. I am liberated from wondering what it will look like because I am there….on the train and I bought my ticket and I am not trying to force myself in the kiddie rides or roles…I am fully committed to being OLD…Wise…Beautiful….Kind….and ME…..as I am….as I become….

And those around me….I know they love me….for me…not for my tight  face  or falsies in my breast…all of that BS is gone…so they ..those that love me…  love me ……for me… and in that…in that….in that….I am free…

Kitchen

MIAMI…FOREVER..

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Today while researching on the ground…my upcoming role of a galleries… I happened upon a real one…THE one that just happened to become 1 and we had 2 for tea…

Please remember to open doors for yourself in Miami and beyond…because those that do are often treated well.

Take heed not to sit on your toosh…but rather venture onto the streets..the internet can only give you a level of understanding but to truly GET IT… you have to BE THERE..

explore….find…touch…and enter the physical truth ….anything else is a replication of a replication..or a …

Kitchen

in a play- writing a play – rehearsing for a play

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leveling up is work…it is hard work and it comes all at one time…I am convinced..or at least it feel that way because you are entering a l=new level and so it seems MORE…but give it Time..

soon that will feel old hat and you will be yearning for more…

I am working a great deal and happy for it and want more…I am only asking for more because the alternative is not useful to me or my family…I have energy that need to be harnessed and used and placed into or onto something…other than my loved ones

creative energy is fire..it is important to harness it and manage it and when I grow more intense it is importune two thank it and reward it and wish for more burn and chawed hands…because…you rise to the occasion that you desire most…Currently I am rising to the working actor creator title and killing it!!!

More and more and more….please…I want it

Kitchen

the body knows….

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my body…shakes….like I have the shivers…when I am letting go..
It literally breaks down and shakes and releases…
it is also set free and stopped the minute a truth is heard..
my body knows…my body hears and my body can guide me.
That is why I speak to myself when I am going through things or speak with people while I am emotional…becasue the right words will heal you and the only way to know what those are is to allow someone in while you are hurt…this is so vulnerable and doesn’t always help bc the other person may or may not have the skills and you may or may not know how to receive yet..

but lets say you allow yourself to be hurt in the open and you allow the persons you trust to speak to you…I promise you…you will only be healed by those that are for YOU…truly…

Our minds are not guides
Our hearts our..
our bodies are diligent servants of our desire…but if we don’t follow our desire…often and always we will begin to let the mind and ego guide our bodies by chance…and no one should live a life by chance…unless it is a chance encounter of the heart..

I felt lost and couldn’t find me..I had headaches…for a couple weeks…..I finely got ti a trainer to work on my neck and head area and I felt a rush as my body reset and my sensory neurons opened…I saw clearly..
and I was receptive..again

I am thinking that this will be part of my regime…these next few months…as I continue to work and grow this part of my acting career

SKT

Kitchen

the play is written- first draft

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I like writing plays with friends. Talented women. This is my third play I have written with someone and I am very very excited. Funny how I need a hand to hold and ya know what…that is fine by me. I tend to have ideas and the talented women I now have ideas and between the two of us comes a third. I just now while writing this realized I have written three plays…each one about woman and this one specifically about me.

They say write what you know and boy do I KNOW KNOW me.

ok

so so tired

See you tomorrow…just wanted to scribe before the week was gone…grab a friend and create something…becasue building with others is a beautiful gift you can give yourself…

Kitchen

Where is my sexy

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she has escaped me recently as I have spent a few weeks healing…my skin my head and my mom…all over the month of February…

Fuck February but then again thank you February …I love you… I took time to care for myself and my loved ones and well…I hope we are gearing up for a beautiful Spring

I am sure this holding…think hunkering down …this letting go of the critic in me…is done…I accept me…warts and Basel cells and mis spellings…I am not better than you and no worse…we are all just doing our do.

So go on…DO YOU…make it all you can with all you have and enjoy every little morsel of it…because in the end our life is what we remember…what we think happened and what we accepted …and all the rest is just lost…in misrepresentation and misunderstanding ..play it out loud and play it well…Why Not?

No one else really cares too much about what you do..as long as you don’t hurt people…so just DO YOU…I am and I hope and know in that I will find her…my Sexy little Susie….who has been sleeping and relaxing at taking a bit of a rest bit…I guess,..

Love you

Susie

Kitchen

Hello Edinburgh

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I will be performing a one woman show in Edinburgh in August 2019. I will be telling my story as best I can in hope that can celebrate my lineage, my life and my destiny.

I submitted my registration and my insurance and I am all set,

Except for the fact that most of my registration was in need of adjusting but I think many of the theater folk need that. I am not special when it comes to this lack of detail in the admin department. But just because I get it wrong doesn’t mean I don’t get it.

I am going to reset this bump into bubbles…into little bubbles that I will no doubt become aware of more and more as I do more and more of this work.

Eventually I will have an image and a name and a description that isn’t changing and I will be all set but till them…I am looking for it.

I am totally starting before I am ready…I am jumping before the shoot if fully opened but isn’t that how most sky divers do it…they know…they trust…it will open..it will happen…and if not..

well….the sky diver may die and I …Ill just love myself even more..

But nothing is going to stop this freight train…it was set in motion decades ago and somehow I am peacefully ready to make it happy.

S

Kitchen

LIES I tell myself

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finding your own lies is fun. it undoes you. it teaches you again who you are NOT and in that you can be a little closer to who you are…right now….

I have had a Fraxel peel. I have decided to do this to help perhaps prevent more Basel cells…or perhaps because I am vain or perhaps because my industry can be harsh and perhaps because I am growing old…ER.

I have a Fraxel peel and removed scars and sun damage and a thin layer of skin and in that…I was in the Derm office and back in the beauty conversation again and in that…in that…I owned my present self

My present self is dealing with death. She is dancing with her in my lines….in how I am seen through the eyes of others and how much ticking time in my backward counting calendar I have still

I am gong backwards in my life I have found…back and back and back to what…to a time where I was young and free and untainted and then what…

What happens when I get there…. I still have wrinkles….I still have expressive lines and so I try again to remove those and I slip…I watch myself slipping…down the rabbit hole of beauty unattained…into a world of frozen expression and I pray it doesn’t work

that the dab or release is not enough to undue my hard-earned lines because even tough they are difficult to look at on a screen…I doubt I’ll be on that massive screen…but on a stage…they are good for communicating to the last row…this is truth…I am not strong enough in so many ways to keep myself from myself…

I hope this TUESDAY is the last time I visit the Derm…but it won’t be…I will waddle the LINE line for ever…somedays I will love my face and all I have it saying and some days I will not and ask for relief in a needle or a laser and that is my dance…in duplicity in owning myself and my inability to be extreme anymore.

I am nothing…neither here or there…I am nothing…I can’t make strong decisions because in that strong decision I become judgmental…I undue myself often and always

That is the joy, the lesson I get from acting…undoing who I am ..un doing what I believe…questioning my campus…and then
as this point…asking for assistance…

Someone to be an administrative person so I can continue to be the artist…an assistant …a smart organized person who has no desire to be onstage…who enjoys the details and the perfection of spelling and paragraphs and
grammar…a person who cares about these things. These rules…

a kind, organized, self-motivated, smart person who is accountable…to themselves and then to me.

I am interested in getting help…but not the help most people think I need…I am getting help to be more myself. In the sky with diamonds…and I am grateful I can ask for it.
s

Kitchen

Hello Truth

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“you can’t have truth from only one perspective’
by
Susanne Kreitman Taylor

Being out of the Male Gaze Conversation is trickier then you might think. The reason is that the Male gaze that most of us are believing we are see through is actually a kaleidoscope version of it which is interpreted by women.

So, the Male gaze can’t be fully understood by women, being that we are not MEN…but perhaps gay women or women who fancy women can get a taste of it truer form. The male gaze that I feel in me…less and less as I grow older. in an interpreted gaze.

It is my version of what you are seeing, thinking, feeling, desiring…and in that I create answers in my mind to how I can adjust to it.

this is something I am constantly aware of. My career as an actor and the ability to manipulate is intrinsic to me. have to walk slowly and carefully because the truth is I am NOT GOOD at manipulation – I have no real game. I can’t do the deed when the moment comes. The reason for this is that I tend to also be equally manipulated.

I still believe that the degree in which you do something is the exact degree in which that thing is being done to you. I have forsaken manipulation as a tool because I don’t want to be manipulate myself, again. Granted, not an altruistic reason but the truth from my perspective anyway.

I feel the male gaze at time with gay women who yearn for my friends. This is something I am starting to understand. The difference between a woman wanting to hold you and a woman wanting to fuck you.

This ownership this MALE gaze as I have come to understand it…it resides in desire to posses…perhaps? I don’t know what it is but it IS …it is a different currency when with someone who desire you then with someone who …but…see this can get weird because I sometimes feel people desire to be desired…and that is the female

So, the thing is…when women I know tell me they are desiring another woman I know. That is when for me… the conversation for me kinks.. It changes for me from one of comradery to one of competition. it isn’t conscious. it is subconscious…because being desired sexually in my life is …. was my power…competition with women was in a small way something I dealt with. But now…at this ripe age of 45…married to my soul mate and not on the market and just longing to be in a safe kind – not sexualized but realized…OH, MY GOSH…
I just had a vision of me playing Titania in Mid-Summer, Queen of the fairies… and always being surrounded by them. Being one of them myself. I think that is my truest fantasy…to be in a room of fairies…somehow not sexual at that moment…somehow not needy or insecure because they are or are not desired…

So it bothers me…but I address it. I accept perspectives give truth…I see how I too can be swayed by the sexual power of other women because I know it has value I know…I get it…but I choose not to PLAY – through me or through others…

but I still yearn to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD as the celestial being I am….I have to remember that…I have to reset that…I am placing her again on the front burner…I need her guiding me…kindly to my future self

“Riding on the wings of my futures self and whispers it’s all right” SKT

She wants me to start packaging myself.

I respect packaging…packaging oneself…packaging one’s message…packaging one’s purpose…at one point you have to accept that you have run around the world…gathered your thoughts and can start to THINK from there. And being packaged allows for that containment. that quiet…ending of the search. Time to share my results.

Good by process hello product?

This product of me has these qualities.
I am kinder…softer…. simpler…. lighter…. and more responsible.

Not responsible for you…responsible for me.