Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

Time heals

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After leaving my Dr. appointment where my freind mentioned to her assistant how I USED to have a slamming body…I walked out…aware of how deflated my boobs were and how their power is not in me anymore but it was fine…there are other powers at play.

I walk past a jewelry story and I see it says it fixes watches. I walk past and think about time and how I once found an iPhone watch on the beach and then lost it myself. How I had a Rolex but I cracked it and how that is a good watch and maybe I should fix it..

It is time to keep time I think. I return to the jewelry store and apologize for interrupting and ask if they fix watches. The female customer at the counter has a bow in her hair and she says HI.

I know her…I say Hi and slowly it comes to me…she is Nika’s friend…she taught me a ballet barre clas at iron flower when it was on Biscayne….Rolodexes of time spin by.

I start to chat and we catch up and I learn her and Nika haven’t seen each other either. And then i let her know i am looking for a studio for my piece and she says she has one….we end up going to her home and her house and her studio and her room of her own and I recall mine..the one I fought for that I lost along the way again…slippery little thing she is

I say goodbye only to see her at the grocery store and as we shop the decade between us is established…the same story a different time…my kids can babysit hers.

I leave…go home – unload the gorceries. Get an email with scripts for a reading on MOnday and in it I am playing a grandmother.

It is funny…how quickly time passes…soon I will be one and think on versions of myself…in the grocery store and no matter how much Botox I don’t get and how big my boobs aren’t time is fleeting dreams are screaming and I need to get on it..

I call steve —I try and explain…he cuts me off and then says he shouldn’t have and is working on that…

I am shocked.

I am quiet..

He is working on not cutting me off..

I ask him what he would do in my position and he says rent a room

I text my freind who runs a dance studio about renting her space for my our rehearsals…

A room of my OWN is relative…it is elusive and it is not entirely MINE….it is fluid and it was at the coffee shop yesterday with my students.. the jewelry shop today with an old acquaintance..and tomorrow that time alone will be with my friend at the Beach…

And so it goes my younger selves…

Xo
S

Kitchen

Hello….depolorization

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Kahn academy ROCKS!

I just told a pre-med class on the energy of the heart and how the defibrillators we have work to keep our heart beat in check.

I learned that there is a process called DEPOLORIZATION and it allows for automaticity and that is what TCS is about. It is about creative a positive Shane form the SA Node of the heart. We are the beginning of the conversation about looking at thing through the eyes of forgiveness and love…and then creating form there…just a small idea that if done well will have a massive ORGANIC reaction..

This is not an internet thing…alone…is is a muscular cellular thing that can take flight wherever and however but the first pulse…the origin of thought is with the SA NODE and positioning it- using the transmission of energy within a creative soul that repeat their maternal lineage….

With all do expect…none of use would be here without HER…and with all do respect…we have allowed ourselves to be used as the front line the slaves that would chew us off her arm but then what….where do you go and who do you speak for now..when she goes…we go.

Your mother…as whatever she was in her limited or amazing ways was your passage to this world and by trying to write her out of your story in anyway we write ourselves in to another one.

Choose wisely…everyone has fault lines…but perhaps the ones that come from you are easiest to navigate and you my dear are her….on a cellular level…

XO
S

Acting

Hello …Creative Shelter co.

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I have wanted a company- this idea of a company since I was standing in a white wooden acting studio ( ah there it is- my image of peace) being asked by one of my teachers where i see myself at 40. I opened my mouth and said I am going to have a company but not a normal acting company.

I had no idea what this meant or who it was within me that said it. I literally shrugged my shoulders in acceptances and looked around the room as everyone nodded. Ok..and it is written..Funny how these truths escape if we just OPEN our mouth.

A company? It was 1995- there was NO cell phone and NO Social Media…there WAS however AOL and a Chat room and emails and I was recently using those to stay connected to Steve while I studied in London.

Webber DOuglass was a house made into a school and I suppose that’s what i am seeking…here in Miami…and why the warmth of a home is always missing when I search for a SPACE…

By I digrace.

I was recently texted by one of my students turned past student turned friend turned ….practice partner turned as i sat across from her yesterday….

My first company member?

She doesn’t know this officially yet and I assume the other girl next to her will be as well- she is just 6 months out of my clasS- A KIND SOUL NEEDS TO SOLIDIFY…

They both texted me and we sat from 11-3:30 talking about how to move forward in our lives with grace

You wouldn’t think this is an “A. Ha” moement but having tried to teach and explain this to dozens of other artists not many have fully bought into moving from forgiveness..NONE actually ….they choose to hold onto their STORY and in that the Pain of the MAternal and in that I am a punching bag…as I am THE MATERNAL….i have learned…

It is exhausting and painful but I am there to show the benefits. A woman- a creative- owning her fault lines and taking responsibility…they have a roadmap if they want it…does and don’t s

And as we sat there I have to remind myself these woman are 20 plus years younger then me…both of them have proven in thier way of living…that they are more interested in killing their ego and moving from love more than anything else…

They are not saints…nor am I …we are powerful Alpha WOman with the ability to destroy…but I have informed them what that looks like over a life time and I give them thoughts on how to avoid holding on to anger too long…

THey ask me to the coffe juice shop and as I sit there and TEACH…I instantly see what I have..the daughters I never did, the company I will eventually build and a philosophy that these two women find valuable in their lives.

I am the Artistic DIrector of The Creative Shelter. We practice the S.U.R.F. Acting method and we wil be appearing throughout MIami this year and launching officially in Edinburgh in August 2019- We share stories of HOW TO LOVE along the maternal fault line…

SURFing Process

F$%K … Recasting

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In my process of getting out of character (SURF) the hardest part for ME is recasting. It is the point where I know what I am doing is perpetuating pain and I have to change but the question is what and how and where and when.
And i am not moving…not doing my class…no studio…just tried to get time at little Haiti and one door was locked- one was taken and the theater was setting lights as i heard the sound and knew there was someone in the light booth..

Where is ALONE….

Today i realized that

I have wanted my own artistic VOice for a long while and I have it and it is so strong that it isn’t letting me work with anyone or any company or any message that isn’t on the same path.
THUS it has become clear that it is…
dibiulitaing to me NOT to have my own company…

Knowing what I can’t do without causing me pain pushing me into a corner of the ONE and ONLY thing I Can do.

Officially establish my company
My PLACE to do MY work and work with like minded creative that are in line with ME…

Artist that are here to spread LOVE
Not pain
Artist that are healed or demand to try and be
Artist that let go and move on and forgive
Artist that take responsibility
Artist that have empathy
Strong ALPHA voices that have vision and alphaness
People who can hold me

I am heading to the graphic designer to create the SURF logo
So i can take my freind up on talking at the chamber and introduce officially to the city my company. My Artistic Company

I can set a date for the next show and how stories are our passions…seeing the story you are in and choosing to shift what is needed form your position and with those you live with so that you can have a better version of your story…pas-present and future.

Transforming through performance…

So my a issue in my tissue is that i am an amazing pleaser and I have to stop activating that becasue it is not aligned…I am pleasing others before myself and that is never a good thing. I can’t do it anymore and this last part – the accommodating – I have no time for that-

This is the year of pleasing Susie…If it pleases me…

Now I must lift weights and strengthen my core-

solidification

RECASTING AS
A strong older woman with wrinkles and a voice!
Cue the kitchen walls as they fall open like a house of cards and the world is revealed and I am free- Flowing and forgiven.

List
Logo for SURF
Trademark name
Class and process
Venue for Edinbough

S

Kitchen

Nothing is….#easy

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Just finished season 2 of #easy and all i can say is THANK GOODNESS i am not an actress in that show. The lines they are pushing are gone and this is not a “SCRIPTED” piece but rather an unveiled piece that puts the actors right up on the line of what is ART and what is entertainment and what is PORN.
I think everything is blending together and the lines for me are gone.

I am still a little shocked at the porn vibe the show had in the sex worker scene and how conversational it was. How mundane sex is in this show and how kind of great that is for people who are repressed and how kind of sad that is for the romantic in me.

I went to acting school to learn how to tell stories and there are many but there comes an age where I am finding the type of story I tell affects people and the question is HOW..but see that is not an artists problem…the artist problem is not to care how…or else you become an activist…oh dear..is that what I am?

S

Acting

Is your ACTING technique harming you?

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If you use your painful experiences to help you tap into emotion in your work you are re triggering your past experiences and will have to contend with that trauma after the play/film is done.

If you allow yourself to fully feel the trauma of your character you will also need to deal with that residue after the play is over

If you are aware of your ability to absorb try and get out of character often- in between scenes and when the play is finished each night and when the play closed- take time to RECOVER…maybe you will have less emotional traumas than most.

And a long and lovely career as well as home life.

I also suggest consider NOT marrying an actor. Actos by nature are transient ethereal beings…and one in a relationship is quite enough.

Kitchen

Bait and Switch…perpetuated by me.

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The internal lineage line of a lady in waiting is getting snipped.
IT is not getting torn or broken just snipped.

I am showing Steve how it has worked so swell for him over the years and how his understanding that I will do what pleases him has built a life we both love but not own.

It is neither or our’s as he built mine and i built his and now we have to step aside to posses it …equally ourselves.

I say that becasue neither of us fully committed to things when it came to our own work.

Yesterday as my sister walked in to tell us what we need to do to get the house SALE ready- she pointed out that the Mezuzah on the door was falling off.

That Mazusah was placed there a few years ago and the Jewish men that placed it mentioned how it represents compromise. I remember thinking…Has Steve EVER compromised..Have I asked him too?

Fast forward to this day – some years later- and it is falling off.

It is New Years tonight for us jewish souls. A time to ask for forgiveness and what I will ask myself for is TO forgive myself for alleasing others..It had lead me to where I am and now it is time to release that skill set. I have played that role enough and there is nothing more I can get out of it.

Nothing more…becasue the Bait and Switch I have been living with was ALLOWED becasue I was a lady in waiting.

If I stop waiting for OTHERS to be happy…what will happen to me…and them…maybe there is a moement in motherhood when the hood raises off our eyes and we see we have built a garden and all we need to do is step far enough away to enjoy what is looks like.

Susie

Kitchen

The sadness of finding flow

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The thing that I wondered is…if you find flow will you loose your loves.
The answer…some of them.

Some of your loves were loves to get you here and those you will loose…and then some of the loves are why you got here and those you keep.
You can;t hang on to the bridges you crossed..if you ever want to get to the other side..so yes..you will loose some and for me mine is wanting to play those dark deep seeded roles that are required to anoint great actors.
I am done trying to dig internally to grasp at my coils and put them on display for you. I am done hurting to find the rawness of it all.

So to teach my class..i think that too is over..it was more for me then you my loves. More for my ability to be kind regardless and love relentlessly and pursue your pursuits – but the truth is

I am not in love with your teacher anymore..she is free and has learned her lesson. I am not in love with the ideas you anointed me with in fact they scare me more than anything. I wish you all freedom form anyone’s point of view and that you see your light with your own eyes deeper than anyone ever could or will. You experience your life and we are here to tap you to center..
I’m thankful to you all my students my roles that were darker than me..to all things OTHER…but now..it is time to be ME
S

Kitchen

Thank you but….no

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This week I auditioned for two theater plays a voice over and a made for TV show. I heard from two of them. One I did not get but was quickly asked to read in a play reading session with them in a few weeks. I accepted.
I love play readings..low commitment- high enjoyment and all and all a lovely night.

I also heard from the second play – I was offered a role that I felt might be Angry. I mentioned that I was thrilled o be part of the piece but not as an Angry person. I know myself and Anger is toxic..nudity on the other hand..no issue…HA THey informed me that my role was indeed angry and that there was no alternative way to portray it..

I said thank you but no thank you. THis is the first time I ever in my life let a role go. It wasn’t;t the money it was the emotion that I couldn;t play anymore.

I have told my students to do this and this was the first time I had the where with all to heed my own wisdom.

I also was asked to speak a the business chamber..some 5 months after I applied due to nepotism and I accepted which sent me on a wild goose chase of defending this opportunity by trying to reinstate my SURF acting class.

IT was bibbitec all over. I had put the class down bc I learned what I needed and yet when a wanting person gave me attention I began to try and justify it..

I spend a few days thinking of how to trademark my name but the truth came when today I was creating a logo and i was annoyed and Steve was my voodoo doll. Poor guy. I am poking him…trying to ignite his SUPER POWER
Where he called my bullshit and release me from my angst and take me HOME-

I tell him that this request to talk has spured me to look for spaces and try and restart my class…
He says” that makes no sense”
I say” it is a sign..that I was asked”
He says “and that is why you are wrong.”
He asked” do you want to teach”
I say I miss doing my class but I am over teaching…over caring about others in front of me…I’ve helped enough…I don’t care that much anymore”

Truth is nasty- hard and really hurts when you let it in..but it equally heals when you do. I have no desire to build the class out..but I miss dancing and I just want to find a place…

No. I have a place a studio I can use with my EarPods..alone- Monday or Wednesday.. and that’s what Ill do-

Still thinking I woudl like to apply for the FRINGE in EDINBUOGH..or maybe in NYC if they have it this year..give myself a deadline…
Then these nibbles won’t be so attractive

I need to love my work beyond all the rest and my work is my piece…I lost focus this week but it was good to close the door on my class and even another play I was kind of cast in but the role was angry and i can’t afford anger in my psyche right now.

Whoever you are…reading my blog…I hope you are not an ARIES…we have another few days of this back and forth crazy!