Author: Susie Taylor

Acting has made me an empath by trade. Since I tend to take work home with me, I can feel for other people…as I walk our quiet little neighborhood. I slip off the path and take a walk alone thought the empty streets but for connection seekers desperately hoping to see someone and have to step away…desperately hoping to hear kids laughter or catch someone’s eye…I walk the quiet old fashioned simple streets and sit under a large tree I may have time to learn the name of and I bow my head and I cry…

I know why I am crying…so much change..so much helplessness…so much I am not part of nor want to be part of…so much I can do but don’t know yet what or how or have the strength internally to do…crying because I am falling short and only able to hold my family in their house and that is all I can do…and that is enough for me for now…

I haven’t seen my mom…I am waiting the 14 days but I miss her…I am aware this is not ending soon…Steve’s family has driven to NC. We are here for now…

having a room- a studio- a space- to go to the past three months has been a game changer to me . A room for no other real reason but to meet myself as myself. A room with my things and a mirror…myself.

we are approaching a lock down due to the Corona Virus that has stopped the world…We are trying to remain calm we are keenly aware life has forever changed.

Spending is both halting and not, people are both isolated and united, I am both scared and peaceful.

The world is recasting herself…she asked several times for us to take the hint but we were too busy to hear her and so she did what a lot of women have decided to do.

She took matters into her own hands- we will all be stopping soon…maybe tonight …maybe tomorrow…we will all be home bound and quiet and yet I am sure we will yearn to know what our neighbors are doing until we will get bored of that too and eventually we will marvel at the birds in our yards and their ability to fly while we are the caged ones singing-

We are being recast…like I was mid show…not because we weren’t doing a great job or because we asked for this but because the machine demanded it – it was off the track…and so we will flounder and squint and try and see this world as a new world and yet resist. some may or proclaim they can’t see it and I will say yeah…I get it…quiet calm and peaceful and that is about right

I am thankful I have outlets for my energy…my blog my podcast my book….what the freak…my family and my boys and my husband and my pool

my house I try and run from is holding me safe…keeping me kind and calm and loving me…and I am trying to return the favor…

https://www.lennyletter.com/story/amanda-peet-never-crossing-the-botox-rubicon—–

As an older actress…birthday coming up… I tend to struggle with my age…but then again in an industry that is TRYING not to empower the MALE gaze as much anymore I also am aware that not buying into the conversation that age is ugly is important and needs to be held by those in positions to hold it…I am happy to read this lovely article by Amanda Peet and also to learn she wrote.a new play that is perhaps still running off broadway and maybe just maybe she is my new hero or guide….or Buddha belly….because all too often I want to freeze frame and yet in my work…in my theater work…I have a keen sense that it will affect my work…my ability to properly emote like a normal human being..and this is truth as they have said sad emotions are muted when you can’t wrinkle your forehead but like in theater and so in life..without the wrinkle there is no full expression on either side of the spectrum and this concerns me truly…as a women, a mother, an artist…I am not judging anyone but myself but since Amanda wrote this I want to just share it to anyone who thinks these thoughts. Read her wonderful blog here.

It is about a month and a half after I took I very low dose of RAI to heal my toxic Nodule. The first sign I had that perhaps things were working was that I got cold in a restaurant. I haven’t felt cold in MIami for a while…

The next thing was that my mood was more even keel even in a very stressful time of working in a play and being recast in another role.

The third was the results of the test! I am having another blood test tomorrow and I hope and truly feel i will still be normal.

I asked the Doc to do a sonogram but he didn’t want to yet..( we hadn’t gotten the test results back at that time and I think he felt like he didn’t think it was prudent or helpful as the nodule could grow before it shrunk. and he knows how fragile I can be but honestly I feel so so so much better…I am pretty amazed.I wonder how long I have had this condition and wish I could trace it back.) ..

I also feel that whatever Hoshimotos symptoms I had have been relieved by this treatment as well.. and that makes sense….

I take a 24 min kitty cat nap mid day and all is swell with me being up and working the night shift.

It is interesting to feel almost calm –

this role is sweet and interesting and I think i have finally begun to grasp her. tomorrow starts Tech week…which is basically putting all the pieces together and seeing how the entire piece plays out.

I have decided that the routine of a show is best for me. I am done with the open schedule I have had for the past x amount of month..I want to be told where to go and what to say for a bit.

I am building my own second schedule around performances…it will be based on how I feel but also not to exhaust me too much as I understand that that is not helpful for this journey anymore…and about executed the grant and the book?

Yesterday pre heat game and after some moderate exercise and a massage I sleep for an hour and NEEDED to and that is something humbling and new I am going to add into my day if I need it…room for a possible nap.

SIESTA is going to be my word of the year…I have decided and in that I must find time and delegate and choose my adventures and rejoice in the pause…

I am also going to speak to my new grant writer who is local and an artist about working with me on my SURF book

I feel like although I am not practicing it ..the conversation about movement and joy is so ON right now and I almost feel I could pitch the book idea and get funding…if I wanted to bc the topic is super relevant and well versed and researched..and perhaps if I can just get this one book underway then..

but honestly I just want the work I book to align with the play in Fall when I do it again…

so it is done all the back and forth is over for now and I am on the other side..casualty of truth is over activating the throat chakra and now…now it is about what… waiting and seeing how things LEVEL out and what is any PILL i am going to be on…

re my art and my soul work…. Jewbana and SURF

I am submitting for grants and rehearsing a play about Miami

I am taking care and being kind and consistent – I am on a ton of supplements and I am taking CBD when needed–SUPER helpful for my PMS…like just need to get myself to take it before I get so upset about the world and my life and how nothing I am…that is what my PMS says I am nothing…mening I have done nothing…i am unproductiove and that is like a knife in my heart but ya know what…I don’t have to be productive all the time and doing totally nothingness is a skill I am honing…and in that things arrive…

like today I met on the phone a woman in LA who is not going to be editing JEWBANA…i didn’t call her or ask for her but she arrived…I am blessed because ANGELS are watching out for me- guiding me and I am floating right now…taking steps but only with the wind behind me…nothing aggressive or demanding…

xoxo

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started drawing butterfly graphics and listening to Oprah Soulession and walking my dog. I think it is Iodine that is why I had so much energy…

but today I am feeling fine two days after the RAI pill and I know this is all going to turn out just fine. I had something toxic and I took care of it and now I will being to feel better and better. I am calm…that I have done this.

beautiful beautiful weather today. calm voice in my head…she is tired from all the processing but thankful it is paused…for now…she is sitting on that hill – looking over Edinburgh and just feeling the energy pass thorugh her…and at times she can catch some and hold it.

I am tired if anything today..which is understandable…but not exhausted … I think just paused….resetting…waiting for resolve…

drove myself to the hospital and got lost and then found myself – I registered and then went to radiology for ME…this was a knew thing…and then I waited while they clarified something on my prescription and then i spoke with the head Nurse and she explained that my dosage was 15 and that I am not in need of bing entirely seperated from people.

she said I shouldn’t get any side affects and that after two days I am good to go..drink lots of water and basically wait 4 to 6 weeks and go see my Dr. and find out what I ended up with. I am hoping it is all back to NORMAL and I am good to go.

each night I count my blessing and fall asleep and I am thankful for that gift…that I have so many blessings I bore myself to sleep with them.

I am getting it through my head that i have to take action…can’t just treat myself with holistic attempts and it is super EGO busting for me.

I have come to realize that me having to do a medical treatment and then most likly have to go on a medicine for perhaps the rest of my life is super super difficult for me to get through my little mind..

these holes these dark chasms of neglect immobilize when they are ultimately shown the light of day. These beliefs of perfection I am still toting around this better than you BS that somehow I feel elevate me…I guess without my youth and my fake boobs at least I had my perfect health- my “nope I do not take any pills…thank you very much answer” was an identity for me…and that my love may most likely have to go.

I am struggling with this decision…but i know it is going to happen. I know I will go to the hospital on Friday and take my funny pill and sleep in my own room with NO ONE but myself to see for two days and then allow my body to be HEALED and that is how I am going to see it.

I am being HEALED….I am being luckily healed by science and I am not going to spit in the face of it anymore. I have done my research and investigation and as much as I tried to ignor it my gut my body kept bringing me back to the need to deal with it…a functional doctor was like HELLOOOOO

and so I am …and in that …in that moment that I take that pill and allow it to HEAL ME…with its magic juice…I am among the LIVING and BREATHING and THANKFUL because as they say ..what is the alternative… i am giong to LIVE my truth my judgemental human truth and I am going to stop being so freaking HARD on myself and trying to be perfection in a cracked ass bottle..I am old and I know it…and seeing myself is hard and it doens’t get easier but it is me…it is all me

They cut my rehearsal short today. I took my time and did my piece and they were like ok we are don here…and I was like ummm ok… I guess NOT obsessing about my work can be a good thing…I have a woman working on my grants now… life is sweet all is swell- I am going to feel soooo much better so soon….

XOXOXOXO