Category: Projects

Kitchen

Acting….the mind of us and dissociative identity disorder

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I just heard about Dissociative identity disorder and it reminds me of what method actors like myself deal with…

If people can developed DID from trauma (during their early years) that is repetitive then by accessing personal trauma to create a role and then repeating it in a play or movie you can also build an ALTER ego…which is hard to get rid of…and most don’t even try to or are aware of it.

When the ALTER CHARACTER for an actor is created by tapping into their personal memory or traumas the ALTER will blend with YOU- intertwine…

If you have found peace with your traumas of your past and used forgiveness and asked them to forgive you and truly released the charge then…the ALTER/CHARACTER you create while you act is not meshed with your personal trauma and you can indeed get out of character when you finish the job if you allow yourself the time for rehabilitation.

If you don’t rehab- your fluid memory skills might absorb the characters trauma as yours…for example. Think of a person who had a knee injury and after time is was healed but the person still limped. This is bc the mind hasn’t really been retrained to know the injury doesn’t need to be protected-

Also each trauma is an ego and egos don’t willingly die and the only way to RELEASE them- i have found- is with soft kind uncharged love. The least amount of energy needed will indeed release the trauma- because if you aggressively go in… you will have that trauma aggressively dig in or return in some sort of Trigger.

Thus my Method…SURF  was created…a movement therapy like process that involves a performance aspect that releases the EGO through unconscious movement lead PERHAPS by our authentic healed self..

I wish someone who worked with Dissociative identity disorder would talk with me and what I have learned about myself and other actors who use their pain for their art.

Two fold- they hurt themselves and others as they project pain into the content and thus into the threads that weave our society

Kitchen

Hello…..Christina

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We met at the first ever SUPER STAR SUMMIT in Miami—organized by MIami ICON Michelle villabobos I learned a lot- spent a weekend alone at the Mayfair and ended up clicking with a cool chick from Kansas.

I mentioned that I was heading next to BLOG HER in San Jose and as it turned out I had an extra bed in anyone wanted to join. Me. I mentioned this at a table of mostly women who I just met and they all kind of…turned to their food or their phone and igneored the forward invitation.

Then one day in the not so distant time I received a text from one of the girls saysing she was going to be in tSan Jose area and she woudl like to use join me in my extra bed in my hotel.

I was excited…When she arrived at the hotel door I opened it to see a MAN waiting at the door…then a beautiful head peeked in form the side…it was Christina Dan the Tran was her husband…

They just wanted to make sure I was real and after they agreed I was safe they dropped off Christina and away we went. We spent the whole time laughing too loud and swearing we woudl NEvER write a BLOG as it looked really intense..( HAHAHAHAH) and time consuming and such and we had each just built a business and new what that means..

Regardless of of NON blog desire we stayed close and she has since visited me several times in Miami. This last one..some four years since we met. We actually had two solid days together.

We hung out at Soho house – saw theater-ate great food-danced and motivated each other to move into our higher selves

We are planing a slow take over of Miami in the near furutre.

I finally have found that I have surrounded myself with REAL supportive people and I am lucky to have them and know them and Christina is one of them…

She is a soul sister like no other and one day I’ll have all my soul sisters meet and the universe will implode…with how beautiful we all are and how powerful the love we have for each other is…

I used to tell Steve..I don’t have any freinds in miami..ow I do..great ones…

Make new freinds but keep the old some are silver and the other gold.

Kitchen

Hello…ROLF

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I teach about getting out of character..it is a movement class that uses your own inspired movement and song to help you understand the story you are in and perhaps allow your body to resolve it.

I went to a yoga class in HIGHALAND and the woman who owns it mentioned my shoulders were up- then we got to talking and she mentioned she does ROlfing…i was curious…

I set up a session and it was wonderful She maneuvered my musicales and tendons so allow my sockets to have space and and down down down went my shoulders and my neck straightened out.

Funny- I always tell steve I need space…The practitioner mentioned how much “potential”I had in my shoulders…wee just needed to make space I was thinking..as she pressed into the tightness and seemed to reset their positioning…

Kitchen

LEtting go of …LEMONS

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I met with a woman who is teaching me about being a Pitta. Pitta is part of Aryeveda (sp) and I am basically FIRE and need to be aware of how NOT to agitate FIRE within me.

I had in the past few years been drink lemon juice and apple cider vinegar. Both of which agitate the Pittas. So I switched to LIME juice When needed and no vinegar.

I am also supposed to eat a larger lunch – THis is a Very NEW concept to have a large meal at lunch and a small meal at dinner but I think it will eventually be OK.

I also am trying to return to chicken and remove red meat…I suppose I can do this…so far so good. I like knowing that I am fire and I like knowing I can be attracted to things that create more fire and perhaps that is why I tend to think I like things that are not good for me. I used to call is crossing my wires…but now I can see that adding something to me that creates MORE heat is not needed.

I want to run WARM not HOT and I have a tendency to get hot fast…but I like this idea of knowing I can cool myself down..It is why I have begun meditating the past maybe five years every morning.

I wake up HOT…really hot…with flaming ideas and I have to curtail that energy into something I can transmute.
I know this in my work and now I am doing this in my food.
I still haven’t fully adapted but I am getting there.
Large lunch small dinners is more of a social thing and I don’t even like dinners..I j

Kitchen

Hello…kids

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My two boys attend summer camp. Not the whole summer but enough. When I see them after the four weeks it is as though I just saw them. I just dropped them off walked around the corner and came right back and in that time they had a million memories I will never really know anything about.

It is the space inbetween that build their perception of life and you hope they adjust and focus on what makes a day beautiful. That somehow you have offered them the ability to slide in a glow filter on the moments – and without being there…by their side when they get nailed in the eye from a lacrosse stick or getting a base hit in their baseball tournament helping them solidify the memeroy..you just hope ..

Kitchen

Hello….SHOW

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FOr as long as I have had the opportunity to write a bio in a PLAYBILL I have always added a line that said I am working on my One woman show.

THis elusive one woman show has morphed in to several other production in those 20 some years and I have indeed worked and created SOMETHIGN but not ever the ONE WOMAN show I said I was working on.

So after watching a play – a one woman show- with a freind we began to talk about my show again and the idea of the many version of susie returned and in that so did the spark of the show. It has always been a light in the distance but I am now the distant light- I have arrived in space- with a group of women who can help me create this performance and a passion and a time in the world that the idea of dissolving stories is still not being fully mentioned…

I am fully aware of my authentic self and the layers of stories that kept me from HER and I am ready to share this beutiful journey to SELF….

Kitchen

Hello….selfie Headshots

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Today I decided it was time to start taking my new headshot. I had meant to have a freind who is amazing at taking them take them but as I thought on it I realized that being able to capture myself on camera has become an obsession with me so why not try a head shot.

I took a ton of shots and I know this is just the beginning…I was happily surprised that I was able to find myself through the lense and that in todays day and age of online images, I can easily upload and post them.

I am curious how much of a one man band I can be with my acting career this year.
I am planing on self submitting and not having an agent. I plant to work directly with my career and I am creating a website that is a daily dose of this proces..

It is amazing becoming a more honest version of myself. I am really convinced that my happiness has been equal to my ability to live honestly

THis is me- I am excited to see what I will become without baggage and bullshit and being in a place where I can say…this is enough for me…

I have gone through a lot and I am now interested in go through just enough..

These are my own headshot and I wil begin using them for my online submission for job.
What better way to learn to love yourself as you age than to celebrate yourself in a self portrait that is not retouched ..becasue no one can see me or love me more than I love myself and that my loves is the truth.

I sometimes think this whole experience is about learning to love yourself more and more each day…despite all of it. And in this journey of letting go of ALL my secrets thus ALL my hidden stories and thus my anger and my need for protection of distortion..fake boobs.

..i feel like I run on an underground river beneath all of Miami…I taste things and feel tings in my own way and it is based on my own rules and universe and in here..in this world..if I can manage to keep myself from belittling it becasue it is so sweet and soft and kind…if I can tame my own drama queen at least once a month then…

Then,,,,my truth gets stronger, my heart gets wider and I get more and more translucent.

NOTE ******* I just found out that if you take the photo without makeup and then use Microsoft selfie to add makeup…and I plan to

Kitchen

Hello….Kitchen

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I have found that there is somethign about the KITCHEN that is symbolic. It represents a hold on the heart of the house and once it is relinquished it is both liberating and identity challenging.

If the kitchen is where the food is created then being able to stand STILL in the KITCHEN without hives has become my lives practice. We have an island in the middle of our kitchen and so in a way I am circling the kitchen…stirring up the energy each morning and I open the kitchen to my kids and my husband. I am not territorial about my kitchen. I have relinquished control and in that I have understood that the kitchen REPRESENT in some families Power.

Th kitchen is in Many ways a place where the NURTURUNG head of the household resides and creates and organizes and in that space – whomever runs it – sort of represents how the power of the fmaily goes.

If the person who runs it is a control freak then the fmaily is most likely run as a dictatorship where even to eat one must appease and please the gate keeper…clean and cook and create and they see fit.

If the person who “runs” the kitchen is Willing to let others cooks and clean to their own specifications then the house may be more delegative…and the person who could be the controller is more or a hands off overseeing.

This second version is who I am bc of several truth about my natural abilities and forced abilities and coming to grip with the one I rather support- my Natural ones..how’d you guess…

So I tend to allow more chaos in my home then others but in that each person has become more responsible for themselves and their food and their space then they were before..and with instacart..the idea of running out of something and not having it is less of a issue becasue if it is a MUST HAVE…innstacart can deliver if needs be.

Technology has made domesticity much easier and with Sunbasket the boys get to learn to cook dinners- healthy simply recipes that give them life skills

This letting other people run the kitchen has been how I have found a seance of freedom in the house..from the house…I know i need a home a safe place to relax but in the end it is not can not be somethign that demands me to control it or run it…

I do not RUN a home.. I offer up space to people to create a home and they do the same for me…as long as we are not trying to micromanage or aspect other people to do our clean up and basic life skills then in a way we are all free to be and act from our nature..

Raising kids who know who they are is what I can offer the world…they happen to be amazing and kind and smart and cute…so they are very lucky but my gift. As a mom…is to offer them freedom to make their own choices and follow their own dreams and not feel indebted to anyone…for anything…

THey are helping me live my life as much as I am helping them live theirs and we owe each other nothing but respect… They teach me how to have more of that every day and for that I am greatfull.

xo S

Kitchen

Hello…..critical eye

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THe hardest thing for me about NOT doing BOTOX..is when a person I love who does do BOTOX comes over and looks at me and I think I know that all they are thinking is UGH..”why doesn’t Susie deal with those crazy ass lines on her face?”

I just got home from an audition where the guy said, as I walked in..you are beautiful…so the thing is we have to understand who we are going to listen to – Men, Women…ourselves… all of it! Many people have said that to me as I walk into a room. I think there is a vibe when I am in my actor role that I internally shine…I happened to do a wonderful audition and I was thrilled…I immediately put on music and drove away and let the character dissolve before i returned home…

Anyway..

Although I love my botoxed friends and think they mostly look amazing and young…I have to remember that I am answering to a higher authority..the film and theater world that creates stories and the story I want to tell or at the the perspective of the story I want to tell is from a person who has learned -eventually -to accept her age and yes…there are porcelen faces all around me and yet I look great frozenish too but

I am somehow here to say…THe breast were enough of a falsehood for a lifetime…Lesson is that “Lies and Susie” don’t go well. I tend to confuse them for fact and build a world on those lies and then I end up in a false version of myself…a FAKE reality and when I am in acting the most important thing I need to have is a REAL HOME WITH REAL PEOPLE AND REAL STORIES

I am MUCH more honest now and in my honesty I have to admit I am growing older everyday and I will be looking more and more like my elders everyday and although I want to try and stop time from time to time the only way to stop it is to end it and that…that is not my desire.

I love looking at my children and seeing them age and I hope the same for them to me. Steve is not into fake and he now has a sense for is so it kind of works out for both of us for me to stay honest

On that note I am going to double down on my hood and build on to my house and release any desire to upgrade becasue as the end of the day I am just interested in being me and doing me and this is where i am growing…

I literally just had an audition with a women who I met at my gym a few years ago. I am in the right city- it is all going to evolve and I want to evolve with it.And again in order to evolve I am going to have to allow myself to gracefully kindly grow older.

Susie.

Kitchen

Hello….nips

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I am starting to think that nipples are very distracting to people. I used to never wear a bra when I was in high school and never considered the distraction I was..they were..

I am now again with little bookies and I am finding that the nipple may be just as powerful as the boob itself…powerful..meanings the ability to avert a persons eyes form my face and mouth and when I am talking.

Maybe I should give up the wife beaters…maybe I should tone it down…maybe I should stop sexualizing my thoughts about what other people think of me..

Maybe the hypersexuality of the world I was and am living in has a great deal to do with the thoughts I put into peoples minds.

I am remembering a class in New World.

It was about auditioning and the look for the audition was FFL.
The teacher then explained to us HIGHSCHOOL students that FFL meant…Freshly Fucked Look-
He told me to mess up my hair and I was good to go.

Ha- the sexuality of creativity is within all of me
—-best accept it and flow with it as it didn’t go away from remeoving my fake boobs.
It just become about the nipples now or again.

S