I am getting it through my head that i have to take action…can’t just treat myself with holistic attempts and it is super EGO busting for me.
I have come to realize that me having to do a medical treatment and then most likly have to go on a medicine for perhaps the rest of my life is super super difficult for me to get through my little mind..
these holes these dark chasms of neglect immobilize when they are ultimately shown the light of day. These beliefs of perfection I am still toting around this better than you BS that somehow I feel elevate me…I guess without my youth and my fake boobs at least I had my perfect health- my “nope I do not take any pills…thank you very much answer” was an identity for me…and that my love may most likely have to go.
I am struggling with this decision…but i know it is going to happen. I know I will go to the hospital on Friday and take my funny pill and sleep in my own room with NO ONE but myself to see for two days and then allow my body to be HEALED and that is how I am going to see it.
I am being HEALED….I am being luckily healed by science and I am not going to spit in the face of it anymore. I have done my research and investigation and as much as I tried to ignor it my gut my body kept bringing me back to the need to deal with it…a functional doctor was like HELLOOOOO
and so I am …and in that …in that moment that I take that pill and allow it to HEAL ME…with its magic juice…I am among the LIVING and BREATHING and THANKFUL because as they say ..what is the alternative… i am giong to LIVE my truth my judgemental human truth and I am going to stop being so freaking HARD on myself and trying to be perfection in a cracked ass bottle..I am old and I know it…and seeing myself is hard and it doens’t get easier but it is me…it is all me
They cut my rehearsal short today. I took my time and did my piece and they were like ok we are don here…and I was like ummm ok… I guess NOT obsessing about my work can be a good thing…I have a woman working on my grants now… life is sweet all is swell- I am going to feel soooo much better so soon….
XOXOXOXO
