to say I went un scathed would be a lie. to those who have a sense of humor about themselves…we are all good…to those who can’t allow for another point of view then I bid farwell…with love
My show is over..in a way…the play is said…I said it…
I am in holding now…having to do a lot of house keeping…clean up and organize and check off the boxes…a month or so in debt payments for going away….for exploring…there is a payment plan a price…
To be honest it annoys me but i understand…being responsible is being responsible and so I must be that even more.
i am home awaiting a never arriving Hurricane and it is a guest I am happy chose another journey. I am aware that life is sweet and precious and kind and special and at times I remember this…I feel
now…Like I am in rest mode…check up mode…finding out about a thyroid issue and checking on my sons heart and teeth and then my MRI and will I do a genetic test and all this…just to stay alive and be here and off coffee AGAIN
had a headache today but keep drinking water and relaxing and it went away…boys have a major school-less week because of NO hurricane hurricane…
I cleaned some of the house to prep for my leaving the next day
I decided to wear a jumpsuit from Anatomie and met with Tim Marriot
He had two freinds
Joe and Marshal
Long time Edinburgh Festival Pro-folk
I bought them all a drink and we sat and talked
Marshal sent my photo to Sarah Silverman his friend bc he said I look like her
We hung out
Tim purchased the next round
And an eggplant pizza at the Assembly bar
We argued about philosophy and talked about his play he wants to bring to Florida
Then we all walked through the town
And Joe said he may come see my show
I ate food at Edinburgh cafe and did my mocha latte and had marshmallows
Tjasa brought a group to the play
I had a nice audience
I was alone
No other promoters
Just Susie it was peaceful and I felt calm…this was comfortable…
I was loving my costume
So so happy about that
I did the show
It was a little unplugged – a bit more….performance art area a little
I can see how I can dissolve the wall more like they did
The people I saw yesterday at Dance Base
I got it
It is less scripted
Tjasa
Luke, Karl, Jordan and Angel…I miss the whole SPACE 45 team…they were kind and loving and soooooo sweet to me
Tim and Joe came after the play but they but couldn’t see the play
Bc joe has sad news but how sweet that they wanted to tell me in person
I told them if I did the their play in Florida could it end a little different
As something new
Then Tjasa and her friends
Lizzy and Anne Marie and Ellen and I went to Ramon
I felt bad
Mason wanted to go there!!
Had soup laughed then went to free Fringe which was right down from where I stood all night
It was spoken. Word
It was very cool
I left
Early and drove home alone to the house- the final day
Took remaining
1000 of postcards to recycling
Went to Jupiter Artland
A music fest weekend was ending
I had lunch at the cafe
Soup and fries
I walked most of the ground
Took photos
Drove off proud of my independence
A car behind me was Honking at me
I was wondering why
Turn out the trunk to my van was open
I drove to Edinburgh
I found parking a little off the normal road
I sat in my car and waited
I wasn’t sure if I should venture back in
I chose to just go in for a bite but then I
Had a cafe mocha and felt amazing
Went to check out mile 2 in space 39/ Radison
Air conditioning and angled stage
I then walked up the mile
Listened to music
From a street performer
I bought four cds
Then saw a person with a dance base Bag and took her Flyer
I then went to the thrift store that
Omar who Maria and met told us about
I purchased a dress/ cover up for soho house for Heather…??
I walked to the dance space and ended up seeing an extra dance show with a company from Hong Kong
About the relationship between a dancer and choreographer- laughed the whole time.
Then I watched Paul Sanger a performance artist as dance base and realized I am a version of that- he had the audience participating in the play as a cll back to every time he said where he was from we would repeat it with a Welsh /Leeds Accept…it worked and the audience as engaged from the start…smart move…he talked the whole time -as he danced…it was dance theater I guess…I want Jewbana to fall into that category and be performed at that theater- Dance Base…
Then I grabbed a soup from the place we met Omar to go at the little place we found with Omar and the pelt and ran and broke a glass that was left on the floor as I went to see Paul Currie…the comedian
And walked super fast to catch the final show i would see there…by the skin of my teeth
I watch it
He was like the Dancer Actor Phil and like me but messy and less polished but wild and very robin Williams circa Mork and Mindy
The same conversation
Be nice
Kind to yourself
He appeared in a flower head like Olga’s work
I ran to my car parked in a questionable location and the navigation was frozen….i feared this into being but then i burst it with faith and my phone showed me the way!!!
Drove to the hotel ( on the opposite side of the road in the black of night) and then checked in and then to the car rental and returned the car and then walked right across to the Hilton double tree
And took my first real bath ( not show) and laid down…
I Hear a song play on the tv that was from Miami motels and I slept and woke at 3
Walked to airport
Waited to check in and then
Picked up a wheat wrap with hummus
I have eaten bread every day since Steve left but feel good
Bread here is Better
Arrived in Miami after an amazing flight with LOTS of LEG ROOM
i arrive at Fort Lauderdale at 3pm and Steve swoops me up and I am home…I have a week of adjustment and acceptance and faith and now…i am here…it is done…moving on…
I have been home 5 days.,..I have argued with Steve for 4 of them…like a typical cat being placed in her Home I am reluctant to return to normal and the Home keeper the one I know built this with me..ME …it is ME…….we pay the price..for letting me out…always.
I am sad to say I function better in La La land…I am happiest there because there are others like me..i am isolated here in this house…so quiet and clam and peaceful….
I want the energy of Edinburgh here…I wish for that here in my heart in my soul…I hope I can build it here…
I loved doing my one woman show…I want to build it out more physically…I want to create more movement to it…I want to unplug it and allow myself to find new items in it..on my own.
I am sad it is over…I know it had to end…all things….and I am happy I ventured to that part of the world and although it is . a cruel reminder of how desperate I am to play in the creative…in My creative …on my own in my own voice….I am happy I saw that world….it makes me realize I was not wishing for a thing that wasn’t possible…it IS possible…a CITY that adores theater and can’t wait to have more and more of it..and artist who wanted to do the same…it felt like artist up was the theme…
It was a month long festival of the ARTS…..a place that celebrated new voices and new stories….i want that for MIami….more of it…in a way that isn’t about rewards but participation and support… People wanting to come here and play….see plays….engage and create….
My family is still here…Nedra is gone…we are joining together and working well. I am TIRED…I am feeling it…and it is not even close to being through. Steve is saying WHY did I decide to do three weeks…I am thinking because when in Rome…and now I am thinking…I am going to be super fit by the end of this run..
I am not eating the best these past two days…lost my cutting edge discipline in the tiredness..
Did take a run through the area today and it was lovely…a church, a battle field, a stream and cemetery all behind the house we are renting…
We rented a home in Tranent…it is 25 minutes from Edinburgh…I am happy we have it..it is very relaxed and comfy and I am going to learn to drive this week…on the other side of the road..
Mason and Jaedon have really gotten into the flying and have been more than helpful…they have a chant their AUNT Nedra taught them and they are working it..we tried to go earlier the past two days…to see how much difference it makes but I guess there is never a clear answer.
I am hoping for a review…I have been told that my piece is an the path of performance art..and I am realizing that maybe that is what I have… a PERFORMANCE ART PIECE..
I didn’t think of it that way but the people here think that…
It is landing ok tonight..SUSIE’s list of demands was a hot wet mess today..each day. am sweater and sweatier…and today it was dissolving as I read it off.
I need to fix that…somehow/
I am feeling…challenged…we had nice audience …I saw Jaedon in the sound booth…lost my footing..still have issue with him being my kryptonite.
I was told that the play is similar to a BURNS poem about seeing yourself the way other’s see you…sounds smart and wise..I feel like I am connected to the Scots.now..
I am working on how to just get through the show…I am a sweaty mess… I need to take time to dry off..on stage…or else I will really be a wolfman.
I am feeling great…I am proud of myself…I know the show was not as sweet as it was yesterday…but it is all becoming…day by day..
I am building it..
I am HERE and I am working this town…as best as I can…at the moment… tomorrow we go for a hike…on the hill outside of Edinburgh
I arrived here with my family on the 5th of August. we picked up Nedra at the hotel she stayed the night in ( she arrived a day early) and we then drove on the opposite side of the road to our home..away from home and yet…it feels so much like home so quickly.
We rented an air b and b in Tranent…about a 25 min ride outside of Edinburgh. it is a home it is comfy it has a great kitchen and lots of rooms and bathrooms and the town is adorable and not too old town…very modern and hip.
We rehearsed int the house on the 6th and the 7th…about 10 hours in total. getting Nedra and I up to speed on where the show was. Nedra grabbed what we had done in Miami and with the song addition of IF YOU KNEW SUSIE and added in the burlesque moves for the transitions which was where the show kept falling flat.
I found my lines ( mostly;) We have changed the script so many times and I have added in so many that it was a bit hard to add int he new parts for heather and JIM. ( not his real name)
then on the 8th we had a tech rehearsal but we had to get the theater s few copies of the script. We had a little bit of an issue with this and I was getting on edge and then Nedra asked for coffee while we were late and that kind of book ethe camels back and we got into a fight.
It lasted only a few minutes and the work pulled us past ourselves.
She did an amazing job and Steve ended up buying her a coffee and just being a total gem.
then Steve took over the flying and postering lead. He met with Nick at the SPACE and got a game plan. He then picked us up and we went home and got the boys and then got ready for the show that night.
They flyer for 2 hours and I had 5 people the first night and 15 the second ( around that) and then tonight I had three.
they reduced the flying to 1 hour before the show but…We shall see.
Yesterday we actually had a photo shoot from 12-2. in the church and the theater lobby at the space. WE got kicked ut of the theater and then had some great photos taken by a photographer my press agent got me.
He was talented and I suspect the shots will be very good – egg inferno too Jesus…Heather a the alter in Roller blades and Jim in a guy outfit as well as Nedra and I at the space in the lobby and me in the outfit from the show eating the pie and stretching on the railing..
The second night the audience was amazing and kind and I was enjoying myself a lot. Tonight it was intimate and I ran the show as best I have…I have 12 more performances ..needless to say it will get better and better.
I hope the boys have the script and the technicians know how to call the show and that all goes well.
I am proud in a humbling way of the work I have done on this show. I have produced, written, stared and feel fully committed and seen and like I have left nothing on the table.
I am drenched at the end of the show. I am tired I am exhausted and it runs a good 45 minutes..it is a fun show…people in the audience smile…one guy looked at his watch but that’s something I have to accept and understand… I love my work…
Nedra is leaving tomorrow…I am sad about it…I am going to be ok…Maria is coming in a few days and then Christina and they will be super helpful…
Steve …and the boys….I could cry just thinking about it…have been so kind and loving….Jeadon was a little sad about not staying till the end of camp but them last night we talked and he was able to get over it..or maybe it was that camp ended for everyone and there is nothing to be sad about now…
They have been flying and helping and Steve…I think…there is something about this play and him helping and driving everywhere ( on the wrong side of the road) that has been so sexy and helpful and just totally affirming…
the feeling I have now is AIR…space…nothing…
I have fed a giant within me…I ma doing a one woman show and I am loving it…I am fully DOING it…all of it…and it is such a powerful freeing feeling to do…I am sure others who have done this know what I am talking about but to those that are thinking of doing it…wondering if it will really mean THAT much …change your understanding of self THAT much…well…YES…so far..yes..
I was terrified to do my first run at the soho house in their gym space while it was being refurbished and then again I was like WHAT…at the Miami Light box and now…Now I see here in Edinburgh I am ding it and it is becoming …something I do…like a gig…like a job…
I suspect we will go in early on Monday and see more plays and then from there I will be able to flyer and then into the show….althougth it has been nice staying home till about 5..
today we went to eat at a place Nedra’s friend ( who I know as well) told us about called THE ROOST. Her friends cousin owns it.
it was yummy..
Tomorrow Steve is taking Nedra to the Airport and then gig to see a famous gold course and then we are all gong to go to a hike he saw…outside of the city.
Monday I have the opportunity to perform on a stage and do a little snip of the show…I am excited about it /terrified but like not really..
Par too this is like I am going through something I have already gone through..like oh yeah..I know this…I feel it may be like this because I have been meant to do this for so long now…
Steve is smiling when he looks at me…he sees me happy and content in a massive way..
I am going to bed…It is 1:23 am
I love my life…
I love it all…..each space between the morsels of it…
who I was with them. That is another meaning of F in S.U.R.F. – I really do forget and it is a good thing…it is a wonderful skill to forget once you have processed….it is a helpful gift that working things really out OUT gives me.
Residue of past roles..exist in us…it is proving to be the reality in my new play as I tap into old stories from my new and improved point of view..there was still residue…with the other people and in this play I suspect there will be more.
Who we are…in this lifetime… changes..often…and more often if you buy a ticket….to the never-ending solor system that is within you.
I have always been self obsessed, from a Doctor point of view. I am amazed at how any person moves through this life and since I am the closest person I know., I have shifted that curiosity to myself 100%. I don’t try too hard to understand why other people do what they do…I try to understand what I am doing and why…
I have become clear and can even understand who I am when I am off center..I can say…oh…this is off center because…guess what? I have felt center every one in a while…..here and there and for longer and longer amounts of times…days and even weeks…so I know who susie Susie is…and I also know who she is in a myriad of situations…while she is off center…
Being able to know thyself is the first step to being true to her. I feel like at this age…45…I am who I am….I am kind to her even when she is mean…I am loving to her even when she is angry and I am patient with her even when she is scared…
I have become my own lover and best friend and in that I have allowed my neediness of other people’s evaluation of me to dwindle. This self awareness work make me less selfish..when I am needed or around others because I am usually so over my stuff I am happy to become involved in others…when needed.
I am myself…and tomorrow I will be an older version of her and so on and so on…I am proud fo her…and her bravery of letting go of things that gave her power…things she falsely prayed to like saline filled boobies and frozen brows…
I may falter later on in life…I may fall back to wanting to be young externally forever but eventually…and logically I realized I will have to cross over into the next wise woman phase one day and why not get a head start with a happy heart?
being older and wiser as a woman can be sexy..right?…. Sexy .in a “you wish you understood what I have viscerally learned”…way.
Last night I worked with the AMAZING Carey Brianna Hart on the sound for Jewbana. I watched, she designed, and I was just honored that she was willing to put her talent on this project.
Today another blessing…the brilliant Venessa Elise came over and helped me with a monologue I so desired her POV on. HOLY MOLY MIami has TALENTED women ….
I think there is a depth to our piece that I was hoping for through the comedy…which I will work on more this week and then MONDAY I will have another workshop with these two women and then …grab my balls and do the show for an audience on the 25th…ahhhh
I also had a skype session with Francis Allen who is helping me with my accent for another character.
and I took a circus class and I am getting there…little by little…
I am excited about the show and about opening it and about becoming the person I hope to be…a woman who can own her own even while having a family and being in love and it was a full moon and something else last night and
I am meeting myself
walking down a dirt road…and the dust is kicking up and the woman coming towards me…she is wise and wonderful and peaceful and happy and content…with her path and happy to say goodbye to me… and thank you…thank you for all you did to get us HERE.
We have Made HUGE decisions abut our future this past week…HUGE and amazing and life changing and the kids will be going through a few changes but…Steve and I …we will be together in it and changing and life..
life is exactly what you ask it to be…so ask without irony and without negation because the universe doesn’t know sarcasm…it read as desire..
I am a little less than a month away from the show
I just ran it for myself in the basement of my families home in the Berkshires
the show opens on the 8th
I am doing a run at the light box on the 25th for a small invited group of lovers..
I am hoping it makes sense…kind of…
or something
I have to work on accents…
I have to work on the characters
I have to feel the show out more..and the changes
I need something for Jaedon and something for Ani.
the show had a stumble through today…and so now I need to run it each day at least once…
So I am taking a show to Edinburgh…It was built out of love but it deals with Trauma…it is an honest and revealing version of myself as told through the eyes of people that know me. Most people wrote things but most people couldn’t and woundn’t but I used what those that did and put it into the mouths of others. or revealed their POV through my actions…
I come across as a pretty angry bitchy lover who is just speaking her truth by exposing herself.
it is not comfortable to others…people aren’t so happy about it…I didn’t really understand but they are starting to see ..this is past and hopefully they can understand that it is a way of celebrating the past in order to release it all and move on…
but one of the people I play who is kind of a catalyst for so many fucked up things that happened in my life…he isn’t the reason he was just there…and happened to be young and studpid and not equipt to handle me…but who is???…only ONE…
So any who..
In my attempt to make peace I have remade enemies but then again what is the point of a friendship if a sense of humor isn’t on the table….but even so…
here I go
Ho oponopono
TM
Please forgive me
I am sorry
I love you
and Thank you
I hope from all you have learned and experienced that you can see the FUNNY in this…in being able to expose a past version of yourself and know it isn’t you anymore…is liberating..
These were your words and I simply accepted them…I am sorry if they hurt…I think art does that even when you are trying to be nice..because truth stings before it heals.
Even when I try and be nice I am still a little bitch..a BIG bitch…. it is fully impossible or perhaps not fully possible for me right now to create without destroying…
I am heading into my second week of rehearsals…I am trying to get off script and get my accents going and my dance moves and fitness up to par…ahhhh
I am working hard and I am not perfect and that my dears is the point…in every attempt to do anything.. you will piss people off.. you will scrape at scars… you will challenge people to question if they truly have forgiven you or themselves and in the end…in the end you will know ONLY one thing…that you were brave enough to ask the question to begin with.
“Fall far and hard and break yourself whenever you can…so you can rebuild yourself with all the shattered pieces..”
Humpty Dumpty.
