The internal lineage line of a lady in waiting is getting snipped.
IT is not getting torn or broken just snipped.
I am showing Steve how it has worked so swell for him over the years and how his understanding that I will do what pleases him has built a life we both love but not own.
It is neither or our’s as he built mine and i built his and now we have to step aside to posses it …equally ourselves.
I say that becasue neither of us fully committed to things when it came to our own work.
Yesterday as my sister walked in to tell us what we need to do to get the house SALE ready- she pointed out that the Mezuzah on the door was falling off.
That Mazusah was placed there a few years ago and the Jewish men that placed it mentioned how it represents compromise. I remember thinking…Has Steve EVER compromised..Have I asked him too?
Fast forward to this day – some years later- and it is falling off.
It is New Years tonight for us jewish souls. A time to ask for forgiveness and what I will ask myself for is TO forgive myself for alleasing others..It had lead me to where I am and now it is time to release that skill set. I have played that role enough and there is nothing more I can get out of it.
Nothing more…becasue the Bait and Switch I have been living with was ALLOWED becasue I was a lady in waiting.
If I stop waiting for OTHERS to be happy…what will happen to me…and them…maybe there is a moement in motherhood when the hood raises off our eyes and we see we have built a garden and all we need to do is step far enough away to enjoy what is looks like.