Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

LIES I tell myself

By

finding your own lies is fun. it undoes you. it teaches you again who you are NOT and in that you can be a little closer to who you are…right now….

I have had a Fraxel peel. I have decided to do this to help perhaps prevent more Basel cells…or perhaps because I am vain or perhaps because my industry can be harsh and perhaps because I am growing old…ER.

I have a Fraxel peel and removed scars and sun damage and a thin layer of skin and in that…I was in the Derm office and back in the beauty conversation again and in that…in that…I owned my present self

My present self is dealing with death. She is dancing with her in my lines….in how I am seen through the eyes of others and how much ticking time in my backward counting calendar I have still

I am gong backwards in my life I have found…back and back and back to what…to a time where I was young and free and untainted and then what…

What happens when I get there…. I still have wrinkles….I still have expressive lines and so I try again to remove those and I slip…I watch myself slipping…down the rabbit hole of beauty unattained…into a world of frozen expression and I pray it doesn’t work

that the dab or release is not enough to undue my hard-earned lines because even tough they are difficult to look at on a screen…I doubt I’ll be on that massive screen…but on a stage…they are good for communicating to the last row…this is truth…I am not strong enough in so many ways to keep myself from myself…

I hope this TUESDAY is the last time I visit the Derm…but it won’t be…I will waddle the LINE line for ever…somedays I will love my face and all I have it saying and some days I will not and ask for relief in a needle or a laser and that is my dance…in duplicity in owning myself and my inability to be extreme anymore.

I am nothing…neither here or there…I am nothing…I can’t make strong decisions because in that strong decision I become judgmental…I undue myself often and always

That is the joy, the lesson I get from acting…undoing who I am ..un doing what I believe…questioning my campus…and then
as this point…asking for assistance…

Someone to be an administrative person so I can continue to be the artist…an assistant …a smart organized person who has no desire to be onstage…who enjoys the details and the perfection of spelling and paragraphs and
grammar…a person who cares about these things. These rules…

a kind, organized, self-motivated, smart person who is accountable…to themselves and then to me.

I am interested in getting help…but not the help most people think I need…I am getting help to be more myself. In the sky with diamonds…and I am grateful I can ask for it.
s

Kitchen

Hello Truth

By

“you can’t have truth from only one perspective’
by
Susanne Kreitman Taylor

Being out of the Male Gaze Conversation is trickier then you might think. The reason is that the Male gaze that most of us are believing we are see through is actually a kaleidoscope version of it which is interpreted by women.

So, the Male gaze can’t be fully understood by women, being that we are not MEN…but perhaps gay women or women who fancy women can get a taste of it truer form. The male gaze that I feel in me…less and less as I grow older. in an interpreted gaze.

It is my version of what you are seeing, thinking, feeling, desiring…and in that I create answers in my mind to how I can adjust to it.

this is something I am constantly aware of. My career as an actor and the ability to manipulate is intrinsic to me. have to walk slowly and carefully because the truth is I am NOT GOOD at manipulation – I have no real game. I can’t do the deed when the moment comes. The reason for this is that I tend to also be equally manipulated.

I still believe that the degree in which you do something is the exact degree in which that thing is being done to you. I have forsaken manipulation as a tool because I don’t want to be manipulate myself, again. Granted, not an altruistic reason but the truth from my perspective anyway.

I feel the male gaze at time with gay women who yearn for my friends. This is something I am starting to understand. The difference between a woman wanting to hold you and a woman wanting to fuck you.

This ownership this MALE gaze as I have come to understand it…it resides in desire to posses…perhaps? I don’t know what it is but it IS …it is a different currency when with someone who desire you then with someone who …but…see this can get weird because I sometimes feel people desire to be desired…and that is the female

So, the thing is…when women I know tell me they are desiring another woman I know. That is when for me… the conversation for me kinks.. It changes for me from one of comradery to one of competition. it isn’t conscious. it is subconscious…because being desired sexually in my life is …. was my power…competition with women was in a small way something I dealt with. But now…at this ripe age of 45…married to my soul mate and not on the market and just longing to be in a safe kind – not sexualized but realized…OH, MY GOSH…
I just had a vision of me playing Titania in Mid-Summer, Queen of the fairies… and always being surrounded by them. Being one of them myself. I think that is my truest fantasy…to be in a room of fairies…somehow not sexual at that moment…somehow not needy or insecure because they are or are not desired…

So it bothers me…but I address it. I accept perspectives give truth…I see how I too can be swayed by the sexual power of other women because I know it has value I know…I get it…but I choose not to PLAY – through me or through others…

but I still yearn to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD as the celestial being I am….I have to remember that…I have to reset that…I am placing her again on the front burner…I need her guiding me…kindly to my future self

“Riding on the wings of my futures self and whispers it’s all right” SKT

She wants me to start packaging myself.

I respect packaging…packaging oneself…packaging one’s message…packaging one’s purpose…at one point you have to accept that you have run around the world…gathered your thoughts and can start to THINK from there. And being packaged allows for that containment. that quiet…ending of the search. Time to share my results.

Good by process hello product?

This product of me has these qualities.
I am kinder…softer…. simpler…. lighter…. and more responsible.

Not responsible for you…responsible for me.

Kitchen

Hello hibernation.

By

I am home- it is a super beautiful day outside… I am inside…my skin is healing from the laser treatment. Winter in Miami is not a real thing so ..I will learn to entertain myself as best I can.

I have to say that my skin is starting to exfoliate off…. I am begin gin to emerge and I feel like this is All inline with this part of becoming…peeling off dead skin and allowing the new fresh vulnerable one to emerge.

I also started to do the Danette May coaching…It was offered at 3am and I bit. I am not going back to the one food program that made me feel totally amazing and look really great…and until I took out my implant it lasted but the two surgeries and the redefine what sexy was for susie has been a huge shift

I am now aware that SEXY has nothing to do with external…pretty does…but sexy…sexy is n the blood and sensual is in the mind and pretty…well that is just a topical thing and yet..I feel I am at that place…that I have worked on ALL my past and now it is time to reset the external to meet the internal..

I plan one day to have my own online coaching for the SURF method. So learning how Danette May disseminate information is important…it is tiny bites…tiny. Tiny…and it is enough

I started her work out again this morning…It is good…I am starting to feel the moter within being again…it has truly been on neutral for a while with sparks here and there. But as the Edinburg adventure begins to take shape I am beginning to feel the pacer begin.

I could push..I could force …I could go 1000 miles a minute but I won’t – I can’t
Instead I am being more still…feels like nothing but ti is something. Things are happening… I am just not making them happen with force…but rather through thought.. through my intuition
I am trusting a lot the calm again.

Trusting the this piece will be created through joy, through friendship, through a higher calling. and through forgiveness…I am working on trust by trusting. And working on feeling less than by putting myself in loving hands that can hold me…and remind myself again and again I am enough. And enough is not on fire…enough is warmth…coming from a fire…a few feet out of the pit…

I think part of this mistrust is my own mistrust…my own questioning on if I can handle things again. Handle what other people need from me.handle ebbing there….because I have been there…or maybe I haven’t really….haven’t had the desire to…and that is what I am dealing with…I am not that worried about other people beach I trust they can do it…and in that trusting I refrain from it.

Kitchen

Hello Fraxel

By

I am ending the first day of Fraxel. My amazing friend performed the procedure like the artist she is. I was mulling this over for years and then back and forth this last month and finally I got my head all the way around it until I was beyond excited by the idea. Letting go of my past…and reducing my risk of more Basel cells…all the while looking better…win win win …

To be honest the Laser was a little…bothersome….annoying at times but nothing that hurt too much.. Nothing that Made me scream or cry…but I did flex my feet a few time…here and there…where the numbing didn’t take as well in certain places..regardless I was treated with kid clothes and it was a pure please to be in the brilliant hands of Dr. Cheryl Aber.

My mom took me home and we stayed here while we watched some TV and then Maria stopped by and my face became to calm down. In fact..I took Advil well I got home just to ease the tingling feeling on my face…and it was fine…a few hours after the procedure and I was feeling fine.

I have also started my Danette May Diet again. I went off the wagon and my body got soft for the last play and then I just kind of didn’t have the mojo to get back into high gear with my eating. little by little we slip…

But this treatment and the Danette May cleanse and all the projects I have coming up are coming at the right time…I am ready to begin again.. the solidification of all the work…the process at some point needs a form and that form it taking place…in my projects. in my upcoming play…in my endless possibilities of what a group of powerfully spiritual woman can do…if they just hang out together.see,

The other night I invited some women to gather…create a witches brew …and we did..it went really well…a coven of sorts that I have to say it was beyond thrilling to be part of…they said I was drunk..I say tipsy is what Susie on White wine is…and happy..

I enjoyed introducing these women to each other and I enjoyed the idea that they made new friends…that night..

Sending you and your loved ones a peeling off of past pains…a treatment that allows you a fresh start…a do over…I look forward to staying home and healing this week…down time is so needed right now.

Sending hugs and love again and again.

s

Kitchen

Acting Enough-

By

The other day I went cra cra bc Steve thought a yoga certification would be good for me…I went CRAZY-

The why–that usually comes weeks later…the why is because THIS ME- doesn’t want a safety net-

I have followed WISE advise like this…from the start- from my 20s…got my fitness certification as soon as I arrived in New York to help me be an actor…then I got a gig at a bar as a cigar girl as a cocktail waitress…personal trainer…to help me be an actor and then I temped and then pole dancing teacher then event coordinator and then bibbitec inventor and then mom and then teacher AGAIN and then and then…ALL of these…so I could ACT. Because as we are told…ACTING won’t pay the bills or rather acting isn’t ENOUGH.

Funny thing is though…as a scientist who usually tests ideas out…I bought this SAFETY NET one hook line and sinker…and at this moment in time..-the yoga certification moment- when the idea of splicing myself yet again was suggested the true part of me I have recently reintroduced as my captain..my younger self…my authentic self…who I have fired to rule my direction aggressively went after the YOGA concept and chopped it up into pieces then ate it then pooped it out then loved it then said ” we can go that way but I choose NOT TO!”…I choose to stay the course with acting THIS TIME…this pause in acting work is not a pause it is a RECOVERY till my next ACTING job…and here is what happened since ..I fully committed myself to it for perhaps the first time in ever….

I was cast twice in two plays that with dove tail each other. I was recruited into a sketch comedy crew…I united some goddess woman who will be brining my one woman show to Edinburgh -I shot a commercial- I was requested twice for films I can’t do- I was offered to be part of a healing retreat for actors. and you see. in this experiment, I proved this….

Acting is enough…if you let it be…and my loves so are you…if you allow it….if you love it fully from every angle.

MIND the pauses…bc pause…that happens after shows and gigs is when the rational mind…aka Steve…suggests something stable…something more in line with the NORM…something to elevate the pain of coming off of things…of letting go..a buffer…I have learned to honor that time- play reconnect and reset….

SIDE NOTE: all the things I did to allow me to ACT actually informed me and made me the actor I am today -so I guess in the end…timing…my dear loves…TIMING is everything!
BUT one must remember when the need for an assist is gone and the time to break through is upon you. When your authentic self is done practicing and ready to MAKE IT!

I LOVE YOU…all of you….even if I never met you even if we don’t get along…regardless. We are united in love and that part of us is universally and forever in love with each other.

S

Susie K Taylor.
Photo credit
Alisa Rauner Photography

Kitchen

Ode to Evening Primrose

By

Dearest you how you help me
teach me how to calm to simplicity

When I forget and try to fly solo
I end up a jaguar on the grass crying POLO?

when again I remember you and its like yesterday
you don’t judge me for trying to walk away

I have no idea what goddess anointed your petals
but I am thankful of her wisdom to grease my hormonal pedals

I try and think it is only know I need you
but if I had I known you were my mom’s “go to”
I would have used you all the day from 13 till Pluto

I hope the side affects are lovely and kind
like bumble b visits that leave honey behind.

Kitchen

The ritual of acting and why everyone should study it!

By

Acting…it is about saying and believing something over and over again.
It is about allowing a thought to delve into your subconscience.

If you watch the film HEAL on Netflix one of the main ingredients in a person getting better is their belief that they are.

This imagination skill is something actors train in. They are constantly tweaking and learning how to not only get into a thought process but to let out a thought process.

Maybe the letting out isn’t as widely spoken about but I remember hearing a chat on the BROADWAY station with seth Rudetsky.  Seth Rudetsky was sharing openly about how after one of his first shows was over…he got depressed. He actually talks a lot about the emotional pains/strength of acting and rejection and the setting yourself up and the letdown.

So there in this muscle that actors have developed. Like the way you tear a muscle to make it strong.. Actors have a strong Empathy muscle…they love hard and they leave hard because that is the only way you can survive in their business. The ones that don’t let go…..they leave one way or another.

It isn’t pretty…it isn’t nice. Lots of tears usually…Even nice roles that make you feel amazing have to be left…or in the end you have left yourself instead. * I have found nicer roles are easier to say goodbye to because they leave a reminder of how sweet life is.

A cousin I have has a friend in the Sponge Bob show and mentioned how his friend has never been happier in his a life.… Thoughts have power. It is proven. However… so do other people’s thoughts…give yourself 7 times seeing a mc D commercial and eventually you think you want to buy a Cheeseburger …your mind thinks …”if I don’t believe this or want this why am I seeing hearing…thinking about it?” …your psyche doesn’t understand why you’d have these thoughts if you didn’t believe them….and that my loves is the wild part of ciphering you from them.

And back to how acting helps with this…

Some people say I play myself…but I have found that isn’t true… you play a character and you use yourself to get to that character but at some point ..if you go there…that character will start to drive your car…a little more in rehearsal each day and it is like smoke…little by little and eventually it is opening night.. and your character, you HOPE, has arrived with all the support and love you can give it… So you play the role with all you have…and eventually the show ends. the story ends…

Like any guest in your home. How do you ask them to leave? If you assume they just will…they won’t. Especially if you keep accommodating them…if you force them out…they’ll keep a key and one unsuspecting day out of vengeance or pure fancy…they’ll use that key and break in to you “home” and do some damage…HOWEVER…I have learned in life and in acting the way you setup the VISIT and the way you say GOODBYE..is everything…If you sit with them…ask them to let you know what they need to move on…ask them for your keys….hug them…and thank them…they will exit. Then the sadness of goodbye will set in and as long as you allow this to process through…this sadness of saying goodbye to a friend an experience…as long as you allow your sadness to have its time in the sun…you will move along with love and light and your next role… you next adventure will arrive to greet you …not layers of other people and roles you pretended so well to be.

I wish you all the power of good-byes with love. As they will offer you more hellos with love..

Susie

Kitchen

Two contradicting Ideas…

By

The brain can’t hold apposing ideas for two long…it will cause madness…So one must choose…but choosing…that is my nemesis…I have to be pushed up to a wall and threatened to make some choices …being decisive…isn’t my bag baby

So this…this choice on how to move forward

Kitchen

Going Vegan

By

SO, there is a health thing going on in the family again. It is brings back memories of my dad ( old emails literally popped up about him being dead…condolence emails and me canceling appointments because of it.) and it is causing me to take stronger steps to become a vegan.

I think having a friend here to talk to Steve and I about the steps to take was great. Her passion is plant based eating so she was wonderful to get a ton of advice from. Steve and I were fine…we talked through it and were in agreement that we are giving up Dairy and meat. I know that my eating is really laxed lately…And I have been feeling sluggish even though I drink coffee

I think my adrenal glands need some TLC and I am interested in seeing what going vegan feels like.

Tomorrow will be the first day it is Feb 7th. I am going to explore being vegan …I am going to commit to it in softness…not in aggressiveness…. I made it my Yoga intention today….and so we shall see…what a few months of this new way of eating brings me….

right now, I feel heavy and sluggish and so I hope it helps me.
S

Kitchen

Why Actors Need Recovery

By

Acting is an emotional sport. It is high risk and injury can be unseen…like concussions in football…there are side effects maybe invisible to the naked eye.

This is something that I hope people will consider and like football concessions, emotional concessions can be reduced or prevented if the actors use protection

First the actor playing the role. Any role. Needs to understand if they are an empath. If they are they need to handle themselves with care…and tried softly.

If they double down in pain for example by using their own personal pain the traumas will mesh and become one. Trying to undo that will be very difficult after the job is over.

If they don’t use their own pain. The question is will they still be able to act? Yes, Yes, you can imagine pain and in that replicate a version of it…it will actually be a fuller version because your perspective can actually hinder it jam it up and make it more of a choppy recall…image a bad replica

By using your imagination and having you yourself a desire to not hold pain…your work will be inspired and universal in so many ways…. new ways.

If you don’t use you own pain but you Chanel it I still believe you must in both cases take DOWN TIME…especially if you are an empath…I am sure most actors have a hard time saying NO to work but like a concussion. Getting out a role you spent weeks getting into is something to consider and I wish there was a way to bring this practice to the actors and the rest of the world that was affordable.

Letting go of Story, Ego, Character is something I have found very valuable…it is humbling to the tenth degree and has allowed me to be more emotionally stable and see my true self and not just pretend version of me who were created through characters I was playing.

I spent years searching for an authentic self and I have met her and all her shades and I love each and every corner of her soul’s rainbow…

I hope one day acting schools will offer a class called Getting out of Character and that the actors will be aware that playing a tough role will require post rehab and recovery and they will get it.

As I said at the top. Acting is an emotional game…it is important that actors are healed creatives and help spread kinder messages…as they are the one that can talk out loud…one day…I hope they will speak their own LOVING and INCLUSIVE words…