Author: Susie Taylor

why trauma can be healed but the affects of perpetuating trauma have to be brought to light…first

Several years ago I remember seeing the whole cross fit craze hit and I say how so many women began to become buff and I was soooooo against it. I remembered a time that I had become that and was sad t the femininity of the world morphing into masculinity…softness was gone.

But I decided not to be extremist and so I tried it out eventually and after about three months I too was fully addicted. I too wanted to lift these weights as big as possible.

I remember waiting before a lift and thinking…I am going down the rabbit hole…I left I went to a less cross fit place and then ended up trough several years again back at another gym…that was based on cross fit.

I started playing this new role and she was NOT happy with the workout.being from 1957….the music was vulgar ….the vibe…she wanted something nicer and so I left the gym that my family goes to together and I returned to roller blading and yoga and pole dancing in my house and ankle weights…

I feel lighter…and I am able to do a head stand because I found my small very deep ab muscles that since this CROSS FIT stuff I have not been able to get my mind on…but since I stopped the training of major muscles and began to focus on the minor ones I had the space the quietness to find them…

I can literally lift my legs together over my head and straight into a head stand….those little muscles are being called to action and I am thinking that my posture and my belly will be better for it.

TIME will tell..

I am in a play. My play runs for four weekends…Thursday through Sunday and we run our small pieces about 7-9 times a night.
Come Monday I am exhausted…my mind is at peace and my body is relaxed and I have no desire to try and create DRAMA.
Fulfilling my creativity desire has been a very healing thing for me.
I am not teaching at all right now- keeping my thoughts and feeling about the world to myself…not prophesying…or trying to affect change and just focusing on my work..my character and it is peaceful.

I spend the days like most spoiled Jewish girls wish they could….at one spa or another working out and lounging and recuperating…I am not in any way trying to change the world. I am relaxed and content and as the world is falling around me I figure I can focus on my kids and my family and my art and in the end…know that they had my last bit of attention before the world dissolved…isn’t that the way to be at the end of the world? do what your truly love?

I am enjoying this somewhat irresponsible role.
Not creating huge things but being part of them- not getting angry at the way things turned out but accepting them…not being an activist but more a non active pacifist…it is calm and DRAMA funnily enough has little room in this reality..

I enjoy it and I am waiting….waiting for the inspiration to knock on my front door. I am learning to wait…not to push or force things in my creating and let it seep…let it slip in…let the universe come to my door again..as it always has.
I am not anxious or angry…I hear nasty thoughts in my head that are not my kindest and I council them and I open the door and I let them out.

Being quiet is a clearing for me..it allows me to hear my self…ALL of my selves and it is kind and being alone…I can take the time to tend to them and hear what they want. I can listen to my selves….
I am still a little on Instagram and on Facebook…But that will always ebb and flow.

A million and one years ago I wanted to start a YOU TUBE channel- A way to communicate to people without a buffer but I wanted to make sure what I was saying would not cause more pain in the world.

I have worked very long and hard at getting myself in a place where I believe I am bibbitec.
I am born in Bliss
I am Built in Truth
and
I am Executing Consciously.

It took me about 5 years of really focused work to undue my wiring and today…as part of the NEW MOONYINESS I received my Circle LIGHT in the mail and for some reason I am ready. I woke up and started typing about it and then the egg ALMARM and then the UPS with the LIGHT delivery simultaneously on the exact same minute…

I am cleared- I hear other people’s thoughts… and they are not mine…
I am not them…I have to let those go after visits and know that I have admitted that I am free…to move on.
I am thankful for my inspiration and even more thankful for my family and my husband and my children who supported me as I walked back into my true self.

NOTE—-

I was looking for someone to tell me why I shouldn’t do botox and in the end I realized it was me that had to be that voice and the voice to so000 many more…concepts that need conversation.

I am going to interview the people of the theater at some point so I will need microphones so exciting..

Susie

got a quote and an outline and now I’ll sit and wonder if what I have understood about creating kind art is actually something I want to do-

I think that I may just want to create. you tube station about the concepts and the book since I can do that better- give it to someone to edit and create a you tube tutorial on how to find our what your are upset abut and who is bothering you and why.

I would do it very clearly and then edit it as a HOW TO and then perhaps that would be my play..

I bleed things together a great deal but the idea that I myself can’t write a full manual maybe I can do a you tube station and then transcribe it from there if need be

the house is quiet and NO ONE is coming over…except the UPS deliver man who just dropped off a box while my egg timer for my hard boil eggs went off. the ALARM signs are coming back.

I think this is the LIGHT I need for my videos and if it is I am going to follow this internal instinct and begin to film my concepts instead of writing them.

I have taken a break from filming ever since I did my explant as a way to be seeded and take hold of what I am actually trying to say and now that I have created an amazing piece role based on love and kindness….I can finally begin to say I have indeed PROVEN my IDEA works.

You can be a lover and a creator and that is the way to create your new world…

I am about to unbox this and if it is really the light I am going to follow this concept of online videos.

I can use the outline I paid for and then make this themes.

s

Funny how things sneak up on you…I am in the kitchen cooking latkes and a neighbor I have become very very close with tells me she is REALLy moving…crying now just trying to write about it.

I am so aware how the only time I realize how much a love people is when they leave…and it is because perhaps I am just so with them when they are here..that I can’t feel the air…

Being a nice person requires a role model and this neighbor has been mine…she has walked me through so many trials and tribulations of this process of letting go that I am not happy that she too is part of the process..

I adore her…I respect her and I am a Total mess…I went to the laundry “room” to breath and slid down that wall and felt the needles on the corner of my eye demand exit….

I cried I was here before on this laundry floor but for sader things….things that were really so far out in PAINVILLE but this is HAPPY…for her…she is moving along in her beautiful life and the means a goodbye of sorts for me

I hate evolving because it means letting go..
I look back and see so many friends of mine I have had to separate from because I had to move on…and usually I made it painful and hard to keep the sadness away but in honestly it was just a time thing…a evolving thing…

I had let go of agents because I wasn’t in the right head space..I having to let go of reminds because I couldn’t manage my own anger and now I have to just let go of a neighbor…a tender loving and kind person who feels like a sister and yet I only know her a little while…

I don’t know if I deserve her as a friend but I am thankful I have her – my family has her…and I am beyond miserable that she is moving…north…no more drop bys…by bys

I liked knowing she was near me and had my back and could break up an argument if I needed her to with angered friends on my porch…

I never had a defender like her before- but for my father…at times… and I am happy to know her but so freaking sad that she is moving…

we tried to see if we could buy her house…so we could keep her here but I knew it wasn’t out of faith…it was out of fear….

I hate that I know the difference…it is such a fiercer path…

I was performing my monologue when another actor opened the door and requested that the “audience” leave and see another room.

I was shocked but took it in stride. This was the play and we were doing this impromptu entrance….but the asking for them to leave was bothering..

I let it go and set MY DEVON a little text message….
relax D
…it was a one time thing…

until it wasn’t

Next time I performed the monologue the actor opened the door and just shouted “hey folks…come on and some other rooms…”

Devon was now pushing her head out of her room so to say and I was not surprised…

I mentioned to the actor that I don’t mind him jumping in but maybe stop asking them to leave my room. He informed me that it was the diretor’s request of the stage manager…The same stage manager that had requested I speed up my piece to stay on time/ tight to the rest of the group…which I did but when I informed the director I “took her note” she was like…”who said speed up???I didn’t”

SO when that same stage manager that said the directed requested me to speed up was actually not telling me the truth and was now sending in people to cut my piece short…well. I just couldn’t

In rehearsals…I was originally informed that my piece was too long for the concept but the director decided to keep it that way…intentionally
So I mentioned to the next in rank about the situation and she was like WHAT…nope we never said that..

I am such a truth seeker and so lies just …annoy me

SO in the talk back we ironed it out and the SM was kindly schooled and told to stop cutting my shit short…and Devon stopped sharpening her knives..but between the monologues during the show…I was managing my anger..my Devon…..managing my ego…trying NOT to get angry or too mad….because I knew it would affect my work…and thankful I had awareness that these are sepeate

So I just was so thankful that the crew was able to resolve this issue without much DRAMA and that I was able to be the MOST graceful EGO DIVA I have ever been…

NOTE****
In the past I would have used that anger towards my work…secretly happy for the added motivation but I am over that..over trying to perpetuate my pain..

and that is why I love the type of creative being I have become because although I create drama as a career.. I don’t perpetuate it in my own life anymore…

S

For the past four weeks I have been working in a play. Well an interactive immersive play that originally I declined to be part of. They wanted me to play a role that was angry and intense and I was scared to do it. I was aware that I would do it well but I was not sure would not BE WELL/SOUND doing it. So I said thank you but no than you and moved along.

They returned with an option.They asked if I would read for the role of the HOST which I was happy to do and then read a monologue that was written for her. I did..with that hole in my head from the Basel cell that was clogging third eye up…I sat in the Lobby of the GOLDDUST construction site Motel and read the piece written by Juan C. Sanchez

I read it and liked her and thought…awww she is sweet.

I agreed but as the rehearsals began I began to see that her relationship with her husband was beginning to through a spotlight on mine. Being in a role heightens your sensitivity to the topics they are working through. It makes you very empathetic to them and this time…different from the past…..I took heed ..I took the cross over and the charge as a lesson and looked at my relationships and reset somethings- what I call residue things…thing that had become unconscious old pattern of behavior but were outdated and not relevant to the current relationship…so
rather then become my character….I allowed the similarities to TEACH me and through remaining separate and not buying into the misery loves company card I was often sold about creativity -I resolved the issues I had with as much Grace as I could and was able to work on my role with distance and respect…

I was able to identity the mutual pain and instead of using that pain to build a character I release my relation ship to it and dissolved its power and approached the role with kindness….maintained pure kindness…it was a tight rope act…it was skillful and persistent and energy had to be managed…get too tired or off center and everything go a muck…a little here and a little there is ok but a safe distance from center is needed because once you release your grasp on yourself…

If I stay in character too long… I will have a much harder time differentiating between the two…Since I am an empath actor…./method type.
(which I believe is inherent …)

I go into charter and out of character throughout the night…I don’t perpetuate her too much…just enough …a faint scent …is all that is needed and then the phone rings and she arrives….

Being able to manage a character we play in theater or in life is that skill set that is attractive to me…knowing when to sit her in the corner and give her water and let her know she is good for now…is important.

It was tricky through…and I know that the more pain an artist harbors the harder it is to keeps things separated but I did and I was happy for it and I have built my ROLE of Mrs. Keith Wade on love and respect and kindness and empathy and with awareness that we are all alike but that we are all vey much different people moving through this world..

I respect her and I adore her and I am happy to share her story and the similarities of marriage and being a woman will always trigger things but I was happy for the awareness and I was able to see how I was playing into that role at times in my marriage and relationships and used her experiencing to inform my own…not the other way around….

So why I learned is that YES…you will be affected by your role if there is a cross over which mostly likely will be but then if you begin of feel personal charge in your life where it wasn’t a charge before learn how you would inform you character to deal with it and then deal with it like that…treat yourself as a friend and take her advice ///your advice…and grow and evolve…and keep yourself separate but respectful towards each other…dis charge the charge

Don’t let the character take over and pull you away…but like anyone who annoys you… a character in a play…they help us see ourselves..our TRUE SELVES…..but instead of letting that fester…allow it to aid you in evolving… and accept and love ourselves regardless…and push on to be better and do better if we can….

My process in the practical has proven to me that I am able to create from love…or from transmuting pain into forgiveness and forgiveness into story…I believe I have created a wonderful role and that she is fluid and kind and I am within her…not ON her or behind her…I am fully able to BE her because I know we have respect for each other and that she is not here to harm me and I am not going to cause her pain…we are simply coexisting for a moment in time and soon like everyone in our lives….we will say goodbye..

And hopefully sh is better for it and so am I.

The kids and Steve drove off today. And with a wave of my hand I was alone in my home…with my dog and my thoughts and i was fine. Instantly fine.

I couldn’t hear their thoughts or worries and I was free…

QUIET

THe sound of EMPTY.

THis is the first time I have taken a role during a holiday knowing I woudl miss it. KNowing I woudln’t;t be there…knowing I would be without the family..

THis si somethign I NEVER in my career was able to cope with…missing out …and so it is imperative that at this time I try and do things different ,,,I choose me first and not the extended fmaily…I choose my choices first and not try and fit them into my family as SSteve so often requested early in our marriage.

I was out late and he was already asleep so I woudl adjust…adjust to somethign HOME bound and in that I grew up in many ways but I lost a massive side of me…so

getting back into theater- knowing the difference what I want to do and what I don’t….just having a voice in the matter has adjusted everything.

I am a very go with the flow type of person.. I love spontaneity…but when that go with the flow means adjusting and contorting…NO MORE

I am home alone for a while…quiet. and calm becasue for the next few days this is MY house….not OUR house and sometimes a girl just needs to have a SPACE of her own…

side note

Met with SUsan – a wrote and editor at a place in ft lauderdale called The Alchimist….AMAZING place with Waffle shaped hash browns…

I handed he my writing and while we were getting to know each other a HUGE Guanajuato scurried past our feet and into the kitchen…it was captured and brought outside by a customer dressing in a pin up style with tattoos and glasses…
I asked her how she was able to grab a massive aguana so gracefully and she told me he happens to work at the nature reserve and this was small compared to what she normally deals with..

Seeing a beautiful pretty woman capture an animal like that when no other person let alone man in the place was able to do it was beautiful…
Times are changing…or at least i am seeing things very very differently.

s