Category: Kitchen

Kitchen SURFing Process

Hello….catch and kiss

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R is recasting…but OMG is it such an EGO bust…and the EGO is going to fight you the whole way. THis is the lesson I learned from claiming Steve deserted Mason bc he missed a football game that randomly started on time..but I missed it too. I deserted Mason first…I feel it in me as I type with wire plugged into the hole that it isn’t supposed to ..the whole that’s too big bc it doesn’t rub.but the one it needs to click into is tight and secure and that…that tends to be the things that bothers me and that I fight off myself…bc somehow it reminds me of being caught..which as I explain…isn’t my bag…

NOTE- Mason my son is my life and I have to just own that my children are everything to me..the rest is just cherries..which i shouldn’t knock.

They say the way you are first introduced to things is how they are patterned…
In Kindergarden at Lee wood elementary we had a game called catch and kiss. I am pretty sure It was in Kindergarden..I remember Kevin Urgart used to chase me. I remember I used to hide in the colored cement tunnels which looking back may have been sewer parts…not used sewer parts but I have never seen those tunnels but for when they are working on drains to keep Purday avenue on South Beach from sinking..so maybe not sewer..more water.parts..drain parts…you know..
anyway

I remember being there and looking out hoping he wouldn’t find me- I am sure I was devoted to another boy who I was chasing…bc the idea of NOT being caught was the concept of love I began to inhabit and the concept of chasing my other angle//

yesterday and today I began to ponder on these somewhat facts

that I left the house the minute I finally got Steve home to help with bibbitec. It was on the advice of my lovely aunt who saw how worn down I was but she is also the aunt that fled to Milan some 30 years ago and have never come back..she herself is a fleer. but then again she is of the same blood so looking back I get it.it makes sense ..but she was really advice me to chase acting again…so really that wasn’t her doing..

Also super happy. went back to theater but either direction would have sent me back here..working on SOME alternative way of doing the age old version of either acting or business.

I digress.
Ok so the thing is it came to my attention that in order to fell deserted you might actually have to leave and that perhaps I have been perpetuating this idea of catch and kiss throughout most of my romantic life..becasue the idea of not being chased…well.. that just never registered…I also love to chase..so by leaving something… I have the ability to find it again.. thus all my hello and goodbyes…also distance gives perspective so you can really see things…and really fall back in love with them all over again and in a new way…

so
I deserted steve when we first met bc I chose to follow through and go off to London even though we met.
I chose to marry Tim just to double down on how much I was deserted when steve didn’t chase me…in a way
I then deserted TIM and returned immediately after the nuptials to Miami. TIm CHased me. Then I ran to NY and Tim chased me…caught me….SO…we broke up ….and I chased Jon and then we broke up becasue Steve was chasing me and Jon wasn’t Chasing me enough..
then steve was going to move to NY but I was having a hard time dealing with rejection of just a few roles and I came home and got fake boobs and deserted NY and my dream DREAM..the career one and stayed here and since I hate to be catched and I tend to get bored with things I have caught…
I began to think that it is me…I am the deserter…I let go of lots of things and relationships when I can’t face them anymore…but records show I tend to return to them…slowly…if they’ll have me.
But were it not for Catch and kiss …could it be in my bloodline.. and if so …from who…

My Hebrew name is Hannah Marie
I was named after Anne MArie
I believe she was the great grandmother that DESERTED Austria bc she didn’t want to be forced to shave her hair and wear a wig…she ended up married to an Austrian from her same village – one she met in NY. SO she ran her way perhaps right into her destiny.

And I feel like that.. i feel like I have to try and NOT leave…not run away form Steve and see what staying in the house as my “office” and working things out there with him…he is there…if I leave..it is on me…
If I stay…perhaps I can end this part of the cat and mouse game I so much enjoy..

Perhaps being chased is not love at all
Just attention.
Maybe love is being exactly where you are and NOT running away and not chasing away…

This means most of all I have done was for nothing…

Peaceful and kind

If I let Devon go..and give her spaces outside the house to play…like this new studio and I let Anne Marie stay with her family in her home town and stop her from running away (scratch her record a bit) will I find a more peaceful home life.

If I don’t all fit in my house _ i once asked- is it my house-
Yes
It can be
For the one that enjoys being home..

Steve and I have been arguing a lot.. the death of the idea of moving to another home is dead with all that..puss …the idea tha what I have put my effort into and all the good and bad is enough…is what becomes the film on top of all this Mishigas.

If I was the real deserter and I stop deserting…even this desire to want to leave my own home…when all it does is welcome me…what becomes of me…who is the future of the deserter.. the opposite is loyalist

What does that look like…?

Being a loyalist to my own beliefs and family..
Can I find value in that..fully?
Can I build on that
Is that the platform of love and if I hammer in those nails..I’m also good at pulling out..
Will that support me?
Will I be the support..
Will I have built the support
You can’t run away from your own dogma girl…..
So deal with it.

Kitchen

Hello….Charlie.

By

Devon and Charlie sitting in a tree
K I S S InG

First Comes Love
Then COmes Marriage
Then comes a baby in the a baby carriage
Sucking her thumber
Wetting her pants
Wantching her Parents do the hula Dance

Steve and I still fight.
Hard and fast and then its over
Like dogs protecting their territory
And then we shake it off and we are done

But we still fight
Bc we are both a bit of a jerk- a lot a jerk
And we can turn each other on like no one else and
Sometimes…that end up in SEX and sometimes that end up in a fight
And honesty I can’t say which one is more healing…

I wonder if other couples have knock out and dragim arguements
If a Cubam’s Fire and A Jewish REsisliance is something interesting or normal

It is scary sometimes…loud and fierce and I talk to the kids about it…bc they fight the same way…Devon and Charlie are our the inner children of Susie and Steve..They are solito…and they come out every once and a while -and sometimes they fight on the playground for the swing or the slide…they get mad when the other one doesn’t want to play and the crazy thing is that

We have taught our ACTUAL kids HOW to fight.. and How to mediate those in a fight and when Devon and CHarlie have both taken hold of us…our beautiful kids Jaedon and Mason step up and wake us up…remind us of this time and place and how we aren’t 5 years old anymore..

I thought OnCe I healed I’d be ok but i am not healed…I am coping with my beautiful life and nothing about me in Calm or serene for any length of time

I thrive of Structural Tension..it is rarely real and more of a shock then a flame and it gets me going

I have always been this way…ask any of my ex freinds or boy freinds…

I am aware of my younger self..I get her…I can’t get rid of her…she has my purpose in her pocket as far as my art goes..and she is taking me to Edinburgh and asking Charlie to come play too…they have lots and lots of GOlf…Funny how the cornerstone of Cutting edge theater is also the original home( i think ) of GOlf…

Golf used to be something Devon has always been bothered by but this time..it brings Charlie closer to her in a way that makes him truly happy.

AUGUST IN ScOTLAND…Charlie and Devon
K I S S I N G

Kitchen

Hello…..neutral

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I used to think that I wanted to feel HIGH…HIGHS from all the amazing things that would happen and then in payment I woudl deal with the lows.

Now I say…I woudl rather need neutral…neither high now low and through the passing of moments in gages in the her and now.

Extremes limit the here and now…avoid them…on either side of the spectrum

Too thrilled too devastated causes time to stand still and for you to exit the existing story and veer off into la la land..

Yes you.

YOu are not as cool and cucumber as you think and I know this becasue I feel you…lierally… you are a roller coaster and perhaps you claim I drive you to it but ill say you —-you drive me to driving you and i’m on to you…I’ve seen the game- told you I see it and I am taking my Cotten candy and walking off..

Not becasue I don’t enjoy it but becasue this up and down is giving me a headache after all this time…lets ride another ride….together.

If you get excited over somethign and then equally devastated over it …it is over you…owns you…what happens when either way…it is fine…?

Kitchen

EYE……Connect

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I have been aware that I have not been making eye CONENCT recently. I have been in my own world with my own internal drama and I have failed to connect with others eye line.

Today are the grocery story I noticed how recharging it can be. Very vulnerable and freeing and kind of scary too. Eye connect is the easy way to remember where you are and that you are of this world and no others.
That you belong to your town, your city and the streets that define them.

People may pass through but your eyes have seem them come and go and still stay to say Have a nice day. Your eyes tell your story and eye connect is the easiest thing to do…to counter act disconnection…

XOXOXO

SUSIE

Kitchen

Time heals

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After leaving my Dr. appointment where my freind mentioned to her assistant how I USED to have a slamming body…I walked out…aware of how deflated my boobs were and how their power is not in me anymore but it was fine…there are other powers at play.

I walk past a jewelry story and I see it says it fixes watches. I walk past and think about time and how I once found an iPhone watch on the beach and then lost it myself. How I had a Rolex but I cracked it and how that is a good watch and maybe I should fix it..

It is time to keep time I think. I return to the jewelry store and apologize for interrupting and ask if they fix watches. The female customer at the counter has a bow in her hair and she says HI.

I know her…I say Hi and slowly it comes to me…she is Nika’s friend…she taught me a ballet barre clas at iron flower when it was on Biscayne….Rolodexes of time spin by.

I start to chat and we catch up and I learn her and Nika haven’t seen each other either. And then i let her know i am looking for a studio for my piece and she says she has one….we end up going to her home and her house and her studio and her room of her own and I recall mine..the one I fought for that I lost along the way again…slippery little thing she is

I say goodbye only to see her at the grocery store and as we shop the decade between us is established…the same story a different time…my kids can babysit hers.

I leave…go home – unload the gorceries. Get an email with scripts for a reading on MOnday and in it I am playing a grandmother.

It is funny…how quickly time passes…soon I will be one and think on versions of myself…in the grocery store and no matter how much Botox I don’t get and how big my boobs aren’t time is fleeting dreams are screaming and I need to get on it..

I call steve —I try and explain…he cuts me off and then says he shouldn’t have and is working on that…

I am shocked.

I am quiet..

He is working on not cutting me off..

I ask him what he would do in my position and he says rent a room

I text my freind who runs a dance studio about renting her space for my our rehearsals…

A room of my OWN is relative…it is elusive and it is not entirely MINE….it is fluid and it was at the coffee shop yesterday with my students.. the jewelry shop today with an old acquaintance..and tomorrow that time alone will be with my friend at the Beach…

And so it goes my younger selves…

Xo
S

Kitchen

Hello….depolorization

By

Kahn academy ROCKS!

I just told a pre-med class on the energy of the heart and how the defibrillators we have work to keep our heart beat in check.

I learned that there is a process called DEPOLORIZATION and it allows for automaticity and that is what TCS is about. It is about creative a positive Shane form the SA Node of the heart. We are the beginning of the conversation about looking at thing through the eyes of forgiveness and love…and then creating form there…just a small idea that if done well will have a massive ORGANIC reaction..

This is not an internet thing…alone…is is a muscular cellular thing that can take flight wherever and however but the first pulse…the origin of thought is with the SA NODE and positioning it- using the transmission of energy within a creative soul that repeat their maternal lineage….

With all do expect…none of use would be here without HER…and with all do respect…we have allowed ourselves to be used as the front line the slaves that would chew us off her arm but then what….where do you go and who do you speak for now..when she goes…we go.

Your mother…as whatever she was in her limited or amazing ways was your passage to this world and by trying to write her out of your story in anyway we write ourselves in to another one.

Choose wisely…everyone has fault lines…but perhaps the ones that come from you are easiest to navigate and you my dear are her….on a cellular level…

XO
S

Kitchen

Nothing is….#easy

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Just finished season 2 of #easy and all i can say is THANK GOODNESS i am not an actress in that show. The lines they are pushing are gone and this is not a “SCRIPTED” piece but rather an unveiled piece that puts the actors right up on the line of what is ART and what is entertainment and what is PORN.
I think everything is blending together and the lines for me are gone.

I am still a little shocked at the porn vibe the show had in the sex worker scene and how conversational it was. How mundane sex is in this show and how kind of great that is for people who are repressed and how kind of sad that is for the romantic in me.

I went to acting school to learn how to tell stories and there are many but there comes an age where I am finding the type of story I tell affects people and the question is HOW..but see that is not an artists problem…the artist problem is not to care how…or else you become an activist…oh dear..is that what I am?

S

Kitchen

Bait and Switch…perpetuated by me.

By

The internal lineage line of a lady in waiting is getting snipped.
IT is not getting torn or broken just snipped.

I am showing Steve how it has worked so swell for him over the years and how his understanding that I will do what pleases him has built a life we both love but not own.

It is neither or our’s as he built mine and i built his and now we have to step aside to posses it …equally ourselves.

I say that becasue neither of us fully committed to things when it came to our own work.

Yesterday as my sister walked in to tell us what we need to do to get the house SALE ready- she pointed out that the Mezuzah on the door was falling off.

That Mazusah was placed there a few years ago and the Jewish men that placed it mentioned how it represents compromise. I remember thinking…Has Steve EVER compromised..Have I asked him too?

Fast forward to this day – some years later- and it is falling off.

It is New Years tonight for us jewish souls. A time to ask for forgiveness and what I will ask myself for is TO forgive myself for alleasing others..It had lead me to where I am and now it is time to release that skill set. I have played that role enough and there is nothing more I can get out of it.

Nothing more…becasue the Bait and Switch I have been living with was ALLOWED becasue I was a lady in waiting.

If I stop waiting for OTHERS to be happy…what will happen to me…and them…maybe there is a moement in motherhood when the hood raises off our eyes and we see we have built a garden and all we need to do is step far enough away to enjoy what is looks like.

Susie

Kitchen

The sadness of finding flow

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The thing that I wondered is…if you find flow will you loose your loves.
The answer…some of them.

Some of your loves were loves to get you here and those you will loose…and then some of the loves are why you got here and those you keep.
You can;t hang on to the bridges you crossed..if you ever want to get to the other side..so yes..you will loose some and for me mine is wanting to play those dark deep seeded roles that are required to anoint great actors.
I am done trying to dig internally to grasp at my coils and put them on display for you. I am done hurting to find the rawness of it all.

So to teach my class..i think that too is over..it was more for me then you my loves. More for my ability to be kind regardless and love relentlessly and pursue your pursuits – but the truth is

I am not in love with your teacher anymore..she is free and has learned her lesson. I am not in love with the ideas you anointed me with in fact they scare me more than anything. I wish you all freedom form anyone’s point of view and that you see your light with your own eyes deeper than anyone ever could or will. You experience your life and we are here to tap you to center..
I’m thankful to you all my students my roles that were darker than me..to all things OTHER…but now..it is time to be ME
S

Kitchen

Thank you but….no

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This week I auditioned for two theater plays a voice over and a made for TV show. I heard from two of them. One I did not get but was quickly asked to read in a play reading session with them in a few weeks. I accepted.
I love play readings..low commitment- high enjoyment and all and all a lovely night.

I also heard from the second play – I was offered a role that I felt might be Angry. I mentioned that I was thrilled o be part of the piece but not as an Angry person. I know myself and Anger is toxic..nudity on the other hand..no issue…HA THey informed me that my role was indeed angry and that there was no alternative way to portray it..

I said thank you but no thank you. THis is the first time I ever in my life let a role go. It wasn’t;t the money it was the emotion that I couldn;t play anymore.

I have told my students to do this and this was the first time I had the where with all to heed my own wisdom.

I also was asked to speak a the business chamber..some 5 months after I applied due to nepotism and I accepted which sent me on a wild goose chase of defending this opportunity by trying to reinstate my SURF acting class.

IT was bibbitec all over. I had put the class down bc I learned what I needed and yet when a wanting person gave me attention I began to try and justify it..

I spend a few days thinking of how to trademark my name but the truth came when today I was creating a logo and i was annoyed and Steve was my voodoo doll. Poor guy. I am poking him…trying to ignite his SUPER POWER
Where he called my bullshit and release me from my angst and take me HOME-

I tell him that this request to talk has spured me to look for spaces and try and restart my class…
He says” that makes no sense”
I say” it is a sign..that I was asked”
He says “and that is why you are wrong.”
He asked” do you want to teach”
I say I miss doing my class but I am over teaching…over caring about others in front of me…I’ve helped enough…I don’t care that much anymore”

Truth is nasty- hard and really hurts when you let it in..but it equally heals when you do. I have no desire to build the class out..but I miss dancing and I just want to find a place…

No. I have a place a studio I can use with my EarPods..alone- Monday or Wednesday.. and that’s what Ill do-

Still thinking I woudl like to apply for the FRINGE in EDINBUOGH..or maybe in NYC if they have it this year..give myself a deadline…
Then these nibbles won’t be so attractive

I need to love my work beyond all the rest and my work is my piece…I lost focus this week but it was good to close the door on my class and even another play I was kind of cast in but the role was angry and i can’t afford anger in my psyche right now.

Whoever you are…reading my blog…I hope you are not an ARIES…we have another few days of this back and forth crazy!