Category: Kitchen

Having the dexterity of thought is important for actors. It causes us to be in the FLOW state often.

Our belief system has to be let go of often.

Abandoning your own point of view and entering into another perspective -challenges you to the core….questions your preconceived judgement and the belief ship you are driving around.

When I teach- I used to say…”What if you had to play TRUMP? How would you get your head around that?”

Hw would have to get into his mind and approach him from LOVE? Are you able to do that? Are you that FLEXIBLE?

As luck would have it I was recently sent a script. It is not TRUMP but it is one better, Melania. I am now having to test my FLOW ability.

As a registered democratic liberal woman I have started to undue my own point of view and venture over to Melanias. I am learning a great deal about her. I am proving once again how my ideas shape us and make us who we are…and when we can release them…it feels like both FLOW and also abandonment.

I am working on this role for a possible opening in Aug. It is a two hander and it is political. It is not my POLITICS and yet it opens up conversations that make me question my own self.

I am seeing her in me and vice versa and that is tough. I can’t raise my flag as high as I want, i feel muted, i am scared to do this role, I feel i may be harassed, It could be career death or career rebirth but it is not easy.

The director is even asking me to use my self…which I susie the teacher refuse to do but then again….I susie the actor have to be able to be directed.

For the record everything in my says run…don’t do this..but the truth is….I am still doing it…I am backing myself into this somehow. Keep working on it despite the sadness it is bringing me… learning about her – understanding her- and most importantly EMPATHIZING with her.

Want to understand someone….try becoming them.

Why is there a fight when we are given new information about something? Why can’t we just abort the false information and move ahead?

cog·ni·tive dis·so·nance: the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

I like to picture CD as the ROCKEN SOCKEM ROBOTS.

Most of us feel that our beliefs are US.

We believe that if we believe something different we will cease to be who we are. We struggle with the letting go because the truth is

We will die.

Our EGO knows we will DIE – someone else when we change our minds. A younger less practiced ego who won’t know everything… THis happens a lot to us in life but to choose to do this….exit a story on your own…what is SKILL

The EGO…wrong or right is not interested in dying and starting over. It has worked so hard to create this ROLE .. it will fight to survive.

So what do you do when two equally powerful ideas are having it out with each other.

You ask yourself “Which idea is right?”

RIGHT?

Wrong!

A better question is which idea is LESS angry?

Causes less drama?

Allows your body to truly release?

Which one is Calm?

The idea that holds on too strongly and causes pain and anger is a

FALSE DEAD STORY.

An old story trying to hold on by overcompensating with razzle dazzle. The Less dramatic idea is a young creative new thought. It tends to feel like air- like ether- unformed and impressionable..

If you follow that NEW IDEA you die – but you also will truly EVOLVE as a person and release OLD stories from your body or at least the attachment you have to them.

But the EGO, that OLD STORY is just so tasty and exciting and OVERDONE…even when you think you are trying to exit with a dramatic exit…you are just perpetuation it ..giving it energy….strengthening it by looking at it….

by slamming the door.

BUT we all know ENERGY NEVER DIES….remember…it can be transmuted and that my loves is what we are all in need of learning…How NOT to slam the door but rather walk softly to it, open it a tiny bit. slither through and blow kisses as we sneak softly out of the ROOM-

Transmutation of ANGER–is the sexiest thing I have ever felt or seen!

You leave a charged situation with a energetic bank account that can be converted into whatever you want with the blink of an eye…it is mystic power…it is something to strive for…riding the wave..

Yes the issue needs to be acknowledged but then…it needs to be FULLY abandoned, put in a box and walked away from, KINDLY.

HOW?

I have found that MUSIC is really really helpful.

If you can find a song that fully represents the feeling you are grabbling to release…put that song on and allow yourself to move through the music till the very end of the song. The music will resolve like any song does and eventually your story will too. REPEAT as needed till you feel a release…like a chiropractic adjustment… It is a sneaky way to begin to trick your psyche- it is what many of us use to get into moods but in this case we use it to get out of it.-

My book with the exercises I use is coming out in a month. It is my process of doing this…super simple and works.

Music that is set to 440 LOVE – middle C is helpful. Your body will not lie if you place this type of music on you and move and film yourself while you explore the disagreement within you. You can watch the video back and you can see for YOURSELF…what is ugly and mean and hurt and pain. EGO ..and what is kind and loving and peaceful soul ego newness

Ask yourself truly…are you here to win the fight? or Are you here to end it?

it has been about three weeks of me finding out I had a nodule to going to my first endocrinologist appointment. I had a biopsy and blood and now I wait.

I had lots of signs…lots….but i have taken supplements to alleviate them and so the signs disappear a bit…and I cope a little more…. I cope

I get a massage and Peter exclaims ‘

1)Your skin soaks up the oil..it is so dry…

2)I have a two week long headache…I go off coffee it goes away…

3)I want to work out hard but my body is resistant to it..

4) I am irritable and annoyed and moody when I eat bead like I did in Edinburgh

5) I am fatigued to the bones sometimes…

.6) I have very heavy periods

7)i have a low but not too low THS

8) I have a sore throat

9) i have ridges in my nails

I am scared. i am hoping this is something I can work through…I tell him…”I am sad all these things I look for end up being something…and i am scared “and he says ” I understand that you are scared but you don’t have a reason to be” and that makes me angry and we start the quarrel loop…our special couple loop.

Being stressed in a huge no no….be calm and heal that dis ease and I think…how…how do you stay calm and function in this life at the same time..I have been calm on a retreat…when I am working…when i have few responsibilities…I can be calm..

I mediate …I move… I dance….I am coping with whatever this is…. there are reasons……damn it…

I cried all day today…from the moment I woke up and had an argument about nothing to the Dr. Saying ” it looks like Hashimoto’s” I pounce to a seated position from his doctor’s table …..I ball hard..from the hit…Hard cry in my car… long hard cry on the phone to my sister and my mom and my aunt and friend… cry it all out….drive around and then home…

another hole and I think this endless patching…this life.

no decisions on this..or even a pair of shoes today.. just .HOME to start to read the cookbook for thyroid recipes that my friend told me about.

I let myself be so so so very sad…that I am not perfect yet again…another hole and I think this endless patching…this life…I am fine now…tears are not available..anymore…..

compassion is easy to come by and not alwasy in the form you want it…brittle or moist …i have it around me…i am blessed and lucky I have people to go to ….reach out to….ask for hugs from…I have given enough hug deposits so I get to withdraw them now

I have given enough hug deposits so I get to withdraw them now

I am running on two separate wheels…one is dealing with this…health stuff and the other is dealing with my work…and that wheel is full and happy and calm and collected..and the one that is dealign with my home is a little flat…tires need to be adjusted.

INTEGRATION

I found this word today by asking my husband what he felt the opposite of segregation was. 

I had been segregated by life these back years to dissect them. It had began with the death of my father the several years of therapy and the hitting of a brick wall with my inability ability to see Myself. It them moved into performances based on self awareness, kindness, the female journey and relationships. The final aspect was pice… not so much a performance process but one that stemmed from being in quarantine these past few months.

Integration. Home

I have found my work. My creative self and my family did not conflict but rather coincided. The space of my house became the backdrop to my work, my creative expression , my impression and all without having to leave the heart strings I so desperately love, my family.

I have always thought acting and family were oxymorons. I had been taught that young and although I peeled away the belief through action I had not uprooted the original programing – till now. To be home creating, not needed to venture out, not having to run from the disturbances of my home as they clash with my creative SUSIE- 

The idea of letting a SPACE i had always and desperately wanted to go, to send a text perhaps to say thank you and that it served its purpose…I am integrated.

I am integrated. I have kindly placed all my pieces back together and I have been able to flow and function at such high speeds. No breaks in emotion or energy having to exit and reenter my realisties. I am in one reality and have from here branched into others I have sold myself on. I am in one place and the creative juices flow around me. I am grounded and open minded and secure.

I was watching a show on Netflix as they discussed that a marijuana overdose reveals your holes and insecurities. I remember being concerned that no one could see me and that Steve would sometimes not be next to me even though he was driving the car. My fear was not being seen or heard and perhaps because I knew I wasn’t anywhere to long and thus I was nowhere..in my movement and in my work..I hadn’t tethered them in because it is not the pole it is myself – i have become the pole…centered, clear, understood more and more as I step forward with my work.

Integration. A woman’s work, apron strings and creative juices and the concostions I shall make.

Acting has made me an empath by trade. Since I tend to take work home with me, I can feel for other people…as I walk our quiet little neighborhood. I slip off the path and take a walk alone thought the empty streets but for connection seekers desperately hoping to see someone and have to step away…desperately hoping to hear kids laughter or catch someone’s eye…I walk the quiet old fashioned simple streets and sit under a large tree I may have time to learn the name of and I bow my head and I cry…

I know why I am crying…so much change..so much helplessness…so much I am not part of nor want to be part of…so much I can do but don’t know yet what or how or have the strength internally to do…crying because I am falling short and only able to hold my family in their house and that is all I can do…and that is enough for me for now…

I haven’t seen my mom…I am waiting the 14 days but I miss her…I am aware this is not ending soon…Steve’s family has driven to NC. We are here for now…

having a room- a studio- a space- to go to the past three months has been a game changer to me . A room for no other real reason but to meet myself as myself. A room with my things and a mirror…myself.

we are approaching a lock down due to the Corona Virus that has stopped the world…We are trying to remain calm we are keenly aware life has forever changed.

Spending is both halting and not, people are both isolated and united, I am both scared and peaceful.

The world is recasting herself…she asked several times for us to take the hint but we were too busy to hear her and so she did what a lot of women have decided to do.

She took matters into her own hands- we will all be stopping soon…maybe tonight …maybe tomorrow…we will all be home bound and quiet and yet I am sure we will yearn to know what our neighbors are doing until we will get bored of that too and eventually we will marvel at the birds in our yards and their ability to fly while we are the caged ones singing-

We are being recast…like I was mid show…not because we weren’t doing a great job or because we asked for this but because the machine demanded it – it was off the track…and so we will flounder and squint and try and see this world as a new world and yet resist. some may or proclaim they can’t see it and I will say yeah…I get it…quiet calm and peaceful and that is about right

I am thankful I have outlets for my energy…my blog my podcast my book….what the freak…my family and my boys and my husband and my pool

my house I try and run from is holding me safe…keeping me kind and calm and loving me…and I am trying to return the favor…

https://www.lennyletter.com/story/amanda-peet-never-crossing-the-botox-rubicon—–

As an older actress…birthday coming up… I tend to struggle with my age…but then again in an industry that is TRYING not to empower the MALE gaze as much anymore I also am aware that not buying into the conversation that age is ugly is important and needs to be held by those in positions to hold it…I am happy to read this lovely article by Amanda Peet and also to learn she wrote.a new play that is perhaps still running off broadway and maybe just maybe she is my new hero or guide….or Buddha belly….because all too often I want to freeze frame and yet in my work…in my theater work…I have a keen sense that it will affect my work…my ability to properly emote like a normal human being..and this is truth as they have said sad emotions are muted when you can’t wrinkle your forehead but like in theater and so in life..without the wrinkle there is no full expression on either side of the spectrum and this concerns me truly…as a women, a mother, an artist…I am not judging anyone but myself but since Amanda wrote this I want to just share it to anyone who thinks these thoughts. Read her wonderful blog here.

https://www.lennyletter.com/story/amanda-peet-never-crossing-the-botox-rubicon—–

It is about a month and a half after I took I very low dose of RAI to heal my toxic Nodule. The first sign I had that perhaps things were working was that I got cold in a restaurant. I haven’t felt cold in MIami for a while…

The next thing was that my mood was more even keel even in a very stressful time of working in a play and being recast in another role.

The third was the results of the test! I am having another blood test tomorrow and I hope and truly feel i will still be normal.

I asked the Doc to do a sonogram but he didn’t want to yet..( we hadn’t gotten the test results back at that time and I think he felt like he didn’t think it was prudent or helpful as the nodule could grow before it shrunk. and he knows how fragile I can be but honestly I feel so so so much better…I am pretty amazed.I wonder how long I have had this condition and wish I could trace it back.) ..

I also feel that whatever Hoshimotos symptoms I had have been relieved by this treatment as well.. and that makes sense….

I take a 24 min kitty cat nap mid day and all is swell with me being up and working the night shift.

It is interesting to feel almost calm –