this year has been a lot of moments of DONE. I auditioned with an ex creative partner and walked away unscathed, I ran into an old friend who I broke up with, another creative I created with…and tonight I ran into an actor friend who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in several years…for reason.
With each one of them there was MASSIVE HUGE DRAMA in the past and yet…when I saw them recently…..there was none. a ghost of something but nothing really….
It is kinda sad to know a memory doesn’t have a Somatic expression in your body anymore. That you actually healed away the triggers. That the search through the Filofax brings up crickets…nada….a dud…is the sad part but the knowing..knowing how much you have forgiven yourself for and thrived from it..knowing that you attempting to be strategic or be tit for tat has led you to the worst experiences in your life- and learning how to slow down and monitor a bit is a kind less dramatic way to move- all be it a bit less thrilling -but still all the excitingness one needs for a beautiful life.
I know for myself why I don’t lie or trick and try to be strategic..and living an honest…authentilyc loud and real story is the only way I can be without destroying myself.
Waiting softly for someone to meet you.halfway..say to you..Hey Sooze..I think you would be a great leader…and it not scaring you too much…just a little..to consider living your dream’s DREAM.
And you saying you want a theater a something a place and knowing it is true..and it will happen and that 2019 is that year….
Running into a person who you tried to trick into being a benefactor and remembering after all of it that the desire for the benefactor..the reason why you tried to trick a trickster.. is still a desire…well…that is just amazing…ending the triangularization and owning a desire to want to be part of a theater company….is what has come to be…forget the failed “relationships” fuck those…just give yourself the theater…
Today I remembered that.And another actor I just worked with in my last play said- yeah…why not.and I thought…yeah…why not..
now to find a title space