if i am your friend…if i let you take a seat at my internal caldron…it is forever …unless it isn’t. Knowing oneself has been my last decades goal but has been a part of my experience of life since I read Richard S. Bach’s Johnathan Livingston seagull.
Time is not linear and it is frayed and it has, at times, a shelf life. Lifetimes of friendships can end. I have many loses in this arena. Women change roles so often in life it doesn’t seem off that friendships with women do too.
The year of quarantine has left me with many more deep connections and many less shallow ones.
one less today.
it has been dwindling for a couple of years…hit the wall but i refused to fully feel it. I adore her and yet I realize that if she thinks this of me now she has always felt this way in my presence and that makes me sad but also makes me want to just table the relationship.
but she has been a great dear friend of mine. In many ways and for many years but our roads are crossing too closely or perhaps not close at all. regardless…i make space
i say nothing with love and only not thinking…from her eyes, and it is responded to towards me with nothing -for us to gain from just pain and accusations and labels… there are waves i am in the current of and no matter that i am not the wave the VIEWER sees what it sees. I am one with the wave and thus i am the wave and in that i crash into HER.
When someone’s impression of you remains the same while you try to adjust around it is because you yourself can not adjust anymore..the time has come…the lifetime of the friendship has yielded her kind hand and so it is with grace and a tinge of resolution that i say goodbye- yet again and make room and space for another sister to warm my heart
The funny thing is that the items in question are 100% based on her lack of understanding my context.
She doesn’t know my grandfather met my grandother by making his friend hit the car in front so he could JUMP out and introduce himself to my grandmother. She was dressed in her riding clothes and he was moved to meet her. I find those actions adorable and romantic and refreshing…
The LOVES in my life manifest with all races and beliefs and sexes.
I love people who are creative and sexy and interesting to me. i am a creative elistist