After a weekend of love and cuddles and drinks and bubbles…I hope you know that you are loved more than most can ever be
So stop complaining that she bothers you
It is you who are bothering me
Author: Susie Taylor
Hello……tummy
I am not sure how it happened…most likely due to my lack of size C boobs but I have developed a tummy. I am not impressed with this tummy and not sure why or how it got here. I think the two surgeries this year did a number on me and it is still two month shy of a year since the first one so…maybe I am still recovering..
lucky me
I get to get a basil cell out soon which will dampen my workout again…I have to start understanding what is making me get this pooch.
I know when I was 100% off bread I was better…I know this..
So I can do that…I can go off again…
But still
Just looked at a wonderful weekend of images and there was my pooch.the other girls were concerned about thier mothers and I was blissfully SET in my relationship with my mother…RESET to the date that she taught to skip- that is how I am currently programmed and it works for me.
this happened thorugh my movement class and I am happy I have that beautiful memory ingrained in my scull.
I hope that it isn’t removed when they take off my Basel cell…i am also secretly hoping they can perform a small brow lift when they suture the skin together…I mean a girl can dream can’t she
Growing old gracefully around a ton of women who are not…is a fascinating experiment…
Hello ….Loyalist
Today I sat at my kitchen table explaining to Steve about the Theaters in Edenbough and what the costs and the run woudl look like.
He told me that the idea of me going almost 11 months from now gives home peace and something that doesn’t stress him out.
I said I hope I get the Grant from Miami Light Box so thatit wil help pay for creating the work and Steve stopped me
He said it is nothing to worry about and there is no expectation for me to fund this. He said we all have out things and this is Your thing…your art..what you need to do like I do with sports and Jaedon with coding and Mason with sports…this is what you do Susie.
I had to stop him from talking… at that moment….and i went to give him a hug and thank him.
I realized that by doing all the work and getting the idea together…and never bringing steve into the conversation until I had to sign a contract.
Since I am not great at business and contracts and me are not the best combination..
Hello…….Mothers
The idea that we have ONE true mother is not real for me anymore…we have many versions of a mother figure throughout our lives…however the one relationship we must pay close attention to is how we see ourselves or rather our material mother is the one we should be the most tender to…tender in the sense that don’t put too much attention on the details…and when you do…laugh at your silly ness that one person could make up another’s world…
We are all products of a million light years through up against a wall and slid down into a magnetic kiss that found receiving lips and hips and built a love and a life and then from that thier best replications
But the replication must know thier origin and then not OWN it in any way.
We must know ourselves and then now own it too tightly.
We have —-as i swam in the warm pool at my mothers house which was being filled with my high school freinds and their mothers… an image of a play- of lots of women who complain about the other and tell one audience member to hold a painting and give them a pen and then say feel free to add your own doodles and then only to be met by another “person” who is made and the doodles that were made…By making one person happy… yourself… you risk the truth in making everyone else miserable..
But I have learned in my many intense arguements that my role in my marriage as far as wife was NOT making my HUSBAND happy. Or rather …let me adjust…my role as a mother toward my husband was not something he wanted to have. He still has his mother and she is very much in her life…
And I am not a mother to him. I began to see that I even streamed him like a dad rather that just a husband and so releasing him of my MOTHERING i has directly released myself of his fathering and I am free.
There once was a rainbow who loved to sing while she thought of her golden ring
BUt one day a man freedom in the sky
YEslled at the rainbow and made her cry
He told her to stop but she wouldn’t respond.
SHe just ignored him and climber beyond.
How dare he said the man
I control this earth
I am the owner of the land.
But the rainbow from up above still loves to sing…while she things of her folder ring
As her tail drags behind her….making oval curves…she tried to escape the man and tried to control her nerves.”
I was trying to figure. Out if I should do a full 30 day run in Edenbough and their feeling I am getting is yes
I feel a full run would make all the effort worth it..it will be more that I think I can handle right now so somethign to strive to and give people time to come visit.
My freinds int he house of my mother are all my mothers…they have all allowed me to be the spirit I am and the kindness I have learned…they have offered me the space and the platform to observe nature and this story I write will be my observation as best I can told with love and respect and understanding…to cut the energy to free the ghosts.
S
Hello …Edinburgh
since I went to London and saw Starlight Express when I was nine I always wanted to skate and dance and act on a stage in the UK.
Well- patience my dear freinds..three minutes till passing zone and if you plan it right. If you get your ducks lined up you may just make it happen-
Aug 2019 I plan to be in Scotland with a piece I am creating. I plan to star in a play I create by myself. I plan to spend a month working as an actress in this world as I had always wanted.
A dream has a food- needs to be fed and if it isn’t satiated it will eat at you. I have felt it first hand.
There are no excuses. A family is NOT an excuse it is a reason.
A never have is not an excuse it is a motivation
A but why? is not a defense it is a reason.
I am sitting here isn the BErks sourounded by most of my closest girl freinds and their mothers and we are enjoying a once in a life time experience…life happens..when you focus on its Lovelness.
xoxoxo
Hello ….receiving..
I told her I have a hard time taking money but I am fine giving things away…she said..you need to learn to receive more…and I said..but does it have to be in money??/ and in that the next day unfolded in the most flowerific way
So today was one of thos days- it was an amazing day and perhaps a sign of my future…I am going to bullet point all the ama zines that happened for me form all the seeds i have planted
I took a yoga class and on my way there received an email from Edinbough about my interest in renting a theater space – they are interested and have a few venues i can choose from!
I went to a business council meeting and one BOTH raffle gifts but I could only take one. a canvas cream bag with leather straps
I saw
jessica Stacy Jacque and Sofi
all in one day
I took yoga then sweat 440
My application for SURFACTING was applied for
the grant for Miami Light Project sent an email that it was received and being reviewed
Then Maria came over and did my nails and gave me a vitamin facial and gifted it to me..
I went to buy lotto tickets bc i am in the receiving mood!
I paid for my rental space last night…maybe that started it
I introduced my class at the business meeting and people GOT IT…and understood the need for it.
I am in time and in line with the universe and I am happy yo stay here.
great day…
Not fasting for Yom Kippor bc I know it is more symbolic and I am doing my own cleansing. in my own way..
mentioned to my students about the class
would like to get them as interns if they want to make that happen
i’d appreciate it.
I am love and this is my slogan
SURFACTING
learn how to get out of character and create from love.
Hello….catch and kiss
R is recasting…but OMG is it such an EGO bust…and the EGO is going to fight you the whole way. THis is the lesson I learned from claiming Steve deserted Mason bc he missed a football game that randomly started on time..but I missed it too. I deserted Mason first…I feel it in me as I type with wire plugged into the hole that it isn’t supposed to ..the whole that’s too big bc it doesn’t rub.but the one it needs to click into is tight and secure and that…that tends to be the things that bothers me and that I fight off myself…bc somehow it reminds me of being caught..which as I explain…isn’t my bag…
NOTE- Mason my son is my life and I have to just own that my children are everything to me..the rest is just cherries..which i shouldn’t knock.
They say the way you are first introduced to things is how they are patterned…
In Kindergarden at Lee wood elementary we had a game called catch and kiss. I am pretty sure It was in Kindergarden..I remember Kevin Urgart used to chase me. I remember I used to hide in the colored cement tunnels which looking back may have been sewer parts…not used sewer parts but I have never seen those tunnels but for when they are working on drains to keep Purday avenue on South Beach from sinking..so maybe not sewer..more water.parts..drain parts…you know..
anyway
I remember being there and looking out hoping he wouldn’t find me- I am sure I was devoted to another boy who I was chasing…bc the idea of NOT being caught was the concept of love I began to inhabit and the concept of chasing my other angle//
yesterday and today I began to ponder on these somewhat facts
that I left the house the minute I finally got Steve home to help with bibbitec. It was on the advice of my lovely aunt who saw how worn down I was but she is also the aunt that fled to Milan some 30 years ago and have never come back..she herself is a fleer. but then again she is of the same blood so looking back I get it.it makes sense ..but she was really advice me to chase acting again…so really that wasn’t her doing..
Also super happy. went back to theater but either direction would have sent me back here..working on SOME alternative way of doing the age old version of either acting or business.
I digress.
Ok so the thing is it came to my attention that in order to fell deserted you might actually have to leave and that perhaps I have been perpetuating this idea of catch and kiss throughout most of my romantic life..becasue the idea of not being chased…well.. that just never registered…I also love to chase..so by leaving something… I have the ability to find it again.. thus all my hello and goodbyes…also distance gives perspective so you can really see things…and really fall back in love with them all over again and in a new way…
so
I deserted steve when we first met bc I chose to follow through and go off to London even though we met.
I chose to marry Tim just to double down on how much I was deserted when steve didn’t chase me…in a way
I then deserted TIM and returned immediately after the nuptials to Miami. TIm CHased me. Then I ran to NY and Tim chased me…caught me….SO…we broke up ….and I chased Jon and then we broke up becasue Steve was chasing me and Jon wasn’t Chasing me enough..
then steve was going to move to NY but I was having a hard time dealing with rejection of just a few roles and I came home and got fake boobs and deserted NY and my dream DREAM..the career one and stayed here and since I hate to be catched and I tend to get bored with things I have caught…
I began to think that it is me…I am the deserter…I let go of lots of things and relationships when I can’t face them anymore…but records show I tend to return to them…slowly…if they’ll have me.
But were it not for Catch and kiss …could it be in my bloodline.. and if so …from who…
My Hebrew name is Hannah Marie
I was named after Anne MArie
I believe she was the great grandmother that DESERTED Austria bc she didn’t want to be forced to shave her hair and wear a wig…she ended up married to an Austrian from her same village – one she met in NY. SO she ran her way perhaps right into her destiny.
And I feel like that.. i feel like I have to try and NOT leave…not run away form Steve and see what staying in the house as my “office” and working things out there with him…he is there…if I leave..it is on me…
If I stay…perhaps I can end this part of the cat and mouse game I so much enjoy..
Perhaps being chased is not love at all
Just attention.
Maybe love is being exactly where you are and NOT running away and not chasing away…
This means most of all I have done was for nothing…
Peaceful and kind
If I let Devon go..and give her spaces outside the house to play…like this new studio and I let Anne Marie stay with her family in her home town and stop her from running away (scratch her record a bit) will I find a more peaceful home life.
If I don’t all fit in my house _ i once asked- is it my house-
Yes
It can be
For the one that enjoys being home..
Steve and I have been arguing a lot.. the death of the idea of moving to another home is dead with all that..puss …the idea tha what I have put my effort into and all the good and bad is enough…is what becomes the film on top of all this Mishigas.
If I was the real deserter and I stop deserting…even this desire to want to leave my own home…when all it does is welcome me…what becomes of me…who is the future of the deserter.. the opposite is loyalist
What does that look like…?
Being a loyalist to my own beliefs and family..
Can I find value in that..fully?
Can I build on that
Is that the platform of love and if I hammer in those nails..I’m also good at pulling out..
Will that support me?
Will I be the support..
Will I have built the support
You can’t run away from your own dogma girl…..
So deal with it.
Hello….Charlie.
Devon and Charlie sitting in a tree
K I S S InG
First Comes Love
Then COmes Marriage
Then comes a baby in the a baby carriage
Sucking her thumber
Wetting her pants
Wantching her Parents do the hula Dance
Steve and I still fight.
Hard and fast and then its over
Like dogs protecting their territory
And then we shake it off and we are done
But we still fight
Bc we are both a bit of a jerk- a lot a jerk
And we can turn each other on like no one else and
Sometimes…that end up in SEX and sometimes that end up in a fight
And honesty I can’t say which one is more healing…
I wonder if other couples have knock out and dragim arguements
If a Cubam’s Fire and A Jewish REsisliance is something interesting or normal
It is scary sometimes…loud and fierce and I talk to the kids about it…bc they fight the same way…Devon and Charlie are our the inner children of Susie and Steve..They are solito…and they come out every once and a while -and sometimes they fight on the playground for the swing or the slide…they get mad when the other one doesn’t want to play and the crazy thing is that
We have taught our ACTUAL kids HOW to fight.. and How to mediate those in a fight and when Devon and CHarlie have both taken hold of us…our beautiful kids Jaedon and Mason step up and wake us up…remind us of this time and place and how we aren’t 5 years old anymore..
I thought OnCe I healed I’d be ok but i am not healed…I am coping with my beautiful life and nothing about me in Calm or serene for any length of time
I thrive of Structural Tension..it is rarely real and more of a shock then a flame and it gets me going
I have always been this way…ask any of my ex freinds or boy freinds…
I am aware of my younger self..I get her…I can’t get rid of her…she has my purpose in her pocket as far as my art goes..and she is taking me to Edinburgh and asking Charlie to come play too…they have lots and lots of GOlf…Funny how the cornerstone of Cutting edge theater is also the original home( i think ) of GOlf…
Golf used to be something Devon has always been bothered by but this time..it brings Charlie closer to her in a way that makes him truly happy.
AUGUST IN ScOTLAND…Charlie and Devon
K I S S I N G
Hello…..neutral
I used to think that I wanted to feel HIGH…HIGHS from all the amazing things that would happen and then in payment I woudl deal with the lows.
Now I say…I woudl rather need neutral…neither high now low and through the passing of moments in gages in the her and now.
Extremes limit the here and now…avoid them…on either side of the spectrum
Too thrilled too devastated causes time to stand still and for you to exit the existing story and veer off into la la land..
Yes you.
YOu are not as cool and cucumber as you think and I know this becasue I feel you…lierally… you are a roller coaster and perhaps you claim I drive you to it but ill say you —-you drive me to driving you and i’m on to you…I’ve seen the game- told you I see it and I am taking my Cotten candy and walking off..
Not becasue I don’t enjoy it but becasue this up and down is giving me a headache after all this time…lets ride another ride….together.
If you get excited over somethign and then equally devastated over it …it is over you…owns you…what happens when either way…it is fine…?
EYE……Connect
I have been aware that I have not been making eye CONENCT recently. I have been in my own world with my own internal drama and I have failed to connect with others eye line.
Today are the grocery story I noticed how recharging it can be. Very vulnerable and freeing and kind of scary too. Eye connect is the easy way to remember where you are and that you are of this world and no others.
That you belong to your town, your city and the streets that define them.
People may pass through but your eyes have seem them come and go and still stay to say Have a nice day. Your eyes tell your story and eye connect is the easiest thing to do…to counter act disconnection…
XOXOXO
SUSIE