Author: Susie Taylor

for so long I have held my ideas to my chest but lately i am pushing them out. I think this is healthy but then I find my own ideas and words in other peoples mouths and in their art and in their grants and I wonder how they became there.

1. we are all in the same creative chat room
2. I sell them well and others buy the idea as theirs
3. people mine me for creativity

I feel the 3rd one is more aprapo.

I am not interested in being mined

MINE

I shall limit entrance and close down my paths to outsiders

I feel betrayed and yet I welcomed them in

Is it possible to be creativly RAPED

I think yes

and by a loved one you know

I think yes

and what to do

we are all taken advantage of

we are all wanting to TRUST

and be honest

but are we?

I say no

I say we are all at the base line assholes trying to be better

but if you don’t think you are an asshole.

I am wary of you

you will act without awareness

No doubt.

and in that action I will become keenly aware

of just what kind of Asshole you are and I

I WILL

love you

but

my creative mine

is

MINE

my secret sauce my conversations

with source

i am not afaid

or care if you take

I am an endless river of juice

that sqeezes from my veins

if you just ask

i release and

in that you breath

you inhale

become

a version of ME

and so

BE IT

joyful loving kind word.

be it all

SKT

Hard to keep my grounding. I begin – i motivate myself. I inspire myself and then I say hEY- come play and you do and then you change the rules and I think..well this once and then twice and then I am not inspired or motivated at all. My game I created has been usurped by your game you made of my thing.

And yes, you told me about the game, yes you showed me the game but I made it mine before I made it ours and WHY WHY when you begin to play. Anything that I have learned to PLEASE in the past begins to play do I become APEASING.

I am so over it…I must work only with the women? STILL? WHY?

Can i not hold my ground in a conversation with an ALPHA male…oh KAMALA teach me how you look and with what words you sway.. SWAY

I have no desire to sway. I am truly only interested in…GOOGLE SEARCH FOR A WHIP

I FOUND ONE

Part of a circus tamer costume…description. Learn to tame the circus…tame the circus…tame the circus.

I purchase the costume…Wihip is not included. I add it…Honey-bear finds a discount…I purchase it…for Halloween.

No for my work in my room on myself…A circus tamer.

I am still trying to do what I started to do 20 years ago..

SPEAK- STATUE-SPEAK

Lead with love and kindness

BUT MTFKER.LEAD

A whip.

It is part of the conversation.

Leading with lightness with authority and as my housekeeper wise woman mentions- with a little fear..

I haven’t added that ingredient in correctly. I put it on first and I can’t hold it front in center but if it is added…a side held WHIP of a WARNING

I’ll play.

I will be part of the game.

I will own the rule book and the punishment for the missteps.

I trust myself to be kind when possible and to be stern when needed.

A whip/

i await you

The pain of the situation. Or the fact that the birthing being is not the head of her society at the moment.

The fact that the birthing is a mechanical job a LABOR requirment meant only for one type of being.

A choice but only for HER.

HE has NO Choice. He has no choice if HE births a baby. He will never ever ever birth a baby unless he becomes a SHE and perhaps then…magic and science will allow this new being to birth.

But till that time the time we have now is that

The Birthing Labor is a third class citizen. Below the machine and the men that need not stop in their track when A child is born. We have warped the world by asking men to become mothering.

As my Rabbi once warned

It is always CHRISTMAS VACATION bc if they change it to anything less polarizing you will come to think you are part of the majority.

And so by lassoing the men to our bedside we have aligned with them and not VISA VERSA…we are the men..now too…birthing and not birthing.

We sexualize ourselves

We charge ourselves through that sexualization

We fear not being sexually valid

And we file suit when we arrive there

on either side

Yet that is when I suppose and have become viscerally aware. That is truly when women are free.

Free to NOT be men. Free to not be in LABOR…Free to NOT be a birthing being…

It is a fascinating play we have written OURSELVES into.

The hero who becomes the villian to become the hero of WHAT.

What have we actually freed ourselves from?

I am finding that earth requires responsibilities. But too many taxes the system and shuts our purpose down.

This epidemic has re-quited us. Peeled away the bullshit. Re-set the goal lines and we are now squinting to see what that new goal exactly is.

Is it anything…at all

Have we denounced goals yet?

Have we realized that our conversation is out…not right our left.

Have we felt a glimpse of nature in our being…

Last sat a freind came over and yada yada yada we ended up going to my studio and doing a piece. She was able to relax with a little CBD oil and her work was intense and honest.

This week I happened to brng a few people to the room and she was able to play with Dana and even Philip. The class was really wonderful. A great warm up and a great release.

We ended the class doing a movement that was inspired by Philip that happened to look like a peace I was working on in my room.

I also have been playing with video and showed Philip the idea I had for the video. I like making film movie clips..days bleed into each other

Mason will go back to school this week…he is happy about it. Jaecon will remain online..he is also happy about that too.

I have been liking being part of the brainstorming aspect of things.

I am thinking of doing an event on the 16th but it stresses me more that it should…I think I will just wake up early on the 16th and do a piece in the water and film it. SUNRISE…

If it happens through divine inspiration I will let it but all day today I was sad. I took CBD finally.. but the fact is that a full moon class is amazing IF you can handled the energy transmutation that you get as an after affect.

This entire week I have been feeling super insecure. I have felt like I am walking away from parts of me and that I am sad to see her go for now. I wonder who I will be if I don’t obsess about a number on the scale, WHY why > do I worry about that? So i found a journal today that talked about October 16th circa 1997 ish and about being at an apartment that was 125 ne 4th street. The event I wanted to do was/is on 125th and October 16th is the new moon and I feel that will be a much better time to think about this vibe I want to offer up.

i felt class went amazing and the brainstorming session also that all happened in THE CREATIVE SHELTER on OCtober 3rd

The day I was married – the day I was engaged – Early October to me is always a VERY powerful time and the beginning of FEB is again…a time that seems to give GREAT gifts. Shark Tank, DIgital Risk…

My book is finished. My cover art my back cover my graphs my book. It was read by a freind who decided to take the class after. After I publish I think we will start to get the SEO all up and running and I will be FOUND. She is now texting me about a grant for working with women being released from prisons.

I went to the beach the other day. I may go tomorrow. in the morning.. it was yom kippor. I am not interested in doing weights on my legs…I am do feel as my mother said..that I gain weight in my legs..i saw that in a journal and i think she said it to me in my 20 and still I am like wow…what is the weight on the scale.

I don’t want to weight- weight for steve weight for me be a weight a number a scale..I want to be the scale not a person on the scale…I am the one that qualifies the worth of my self..my body..

I have released the male gaze and took it to me but even in me I have been tortured with perfection never to be achieved and so I again say goodbye..

I yearn for a time without scales…no weight to be won. A time without numbers that qualify one. I am so understanding that an amount is a weight and a weight is a thing that you attach to escape.

If I chose to undue it..not care what it said. I would also release myself from the connection deep in my head that yearn me to wonder what more do I need when the truth is that I am as free as free as can be.

it is hard and it usually starts with frustration, That is the feeling I can often associate to me about to say goodbye. I am annoyed or bothered on a regular basis about something and that is how I know it is phasing out of the future universe I am creating.

I have found that helping others in my personal life…supporting them in any way…is starting to annoy me. I mean trying to be a healer to my friends…it bothers me and it is impossible.

I can not heal a friend. I can only be their friend but I place myself so close and open myself so wide that the instinct to help and heal overtakes me…

As a friend of mine or anyone in my current path I would be so annoyed with me.

I have found that the reason for this helicopter healing …is that I don’t have a pure outlet for this pure part of me. I have hidden it in fitness and in acting and have not for some time or anytime given it a pure platform.

I am about to do that and in order to do that I will phase out what is blurring my lines. I will walk away from HELPING freinds and others and just stand by them and be open but not engaged.

I can’t force a person to act kindly to themselves or me…but I can force myself to treat my space that way and my time and my passion and my talents.

I yearn more for people to be well than for me to be seen or heard…but in order for that to happen I need to use the least amount of energy with the most amount of affect and that in truth in my class.

A Shelter where wellness, creativity, healing, and kind performance exist, Where stories end and dreams begin.

I transmute that frustration…and it is frustration… I am not a monk nor do I want to be. And, from what I have heard, Monks can also be very intense…warriors…all that pent up energy….-

I am so proud of myself…

Yes

I want to redirect –

Yes

I want to shake people and say wake up-

Yes

I want to turn the lights on…but…

What will that prove. That I can tell people something…Better to love and hold to my practice. Better to breath and dance and transmute that frustration into rocket fuel for finding a new piece of furniture my humble home so desperately needs.

Clean energy is NOT made from CLean energy…Clean energy is sometimes and very often made from 💩- but to insure the stench is gone it must also be transmuted….redirected….before it is sent back out to the world for fuel…Too often we skip this step.

and yes, even after it is cleaned and sent out and used to create brilliantly intensifying light, Yes, eventually that energy will yield 💩 again but perhaps create some LOVe in the inbetween.

WIthout the purification process…it is just 💩 to 💩 in my humble opinion

I hear a man on a piano last night…through a glass door. Third sighting through a glass door this week.

First was a meditating smiling man with eye open cross legged at his front door. Surrounded by hand made wooden signs painted in bright colors that read. Be 😀

The next was of a yoga studio owner in her studio. She was sitting against the wall head down. Her studio was partially undone. Years of work, patiently awaiting a road being redone out front and then sold out classes, overbooked on lobby only, and then…and then 2020…undoing it all. Nothing to do. An empty studio she has to say goodbye to. Helpless. She sat on the wall in her goodbyes- or perhaps it was what I felt for her….from her…I was driving by…it was a glimpse

and then last night as I walked the neighborhood with my dog and I hear the faint sound of a piano..music. I turn off my book on tape to witness a single father at a piano playing love songs.

A Matchmaker is patient…leading someone to their heart home is kind and torturous- ah a Sherpa….but the torture is not of pain…it is of anticipation…it is of inhales … not exhales….as you walk is as you are is how you move is how you create and from there…we find a pace, a path, a slow and turtle envied approach to life.

Yesterday morning I said something to Steve, my hubby, that rubbed him the wrong way. I was too motherly, too concerned, too critical too me…basically. I tried to text him and sort it out but in the end the more I said my peace the more annoyed we both got.

When he came home I said something else about something else and he barked at me again,….I was insulting him again. I was in one of those NO win situation. He was in a mood or I was and there was nothing to be done. I have said out loud many times that. I am so sick of us arguing over nothing. Nothing that is going to change.

I said ” I am just ging to stop talking.” Steve laughed, “you wouldn’t make it an hour.” And with that, I just shut up. I didn’t do it from anger, like the silent treatment. I did it from the monk standpoint. From taking a vow of silence. I just closed my mouth.

It started at 4:40pm in the afternoon and at first I could hear all the words trying to escape out my mouth. Tyrign to push my lips open. Struggling to be heard. And then I felt them resting on my tongue kind of softly mumbing themselves and then I heard nothing – they must have fallen asleep. …my mind went silient.

I was with my family eating dinner watching TV engaging but not saying anything…just MONKING OUT

I thought of not speaking verbally had NEVER ever crossed my mind. IT was a revalation!

I was in pure observation from love mode. I wasn’t even annoyed at my hubby. all that irritability of him barking at me just left.

Before he went to bed he said..”.I never thought I would say this but I prefer when you talk. OH, and I am sorry I was so moody today.”

Being silent will be my new FAST. So often we stop eating but what if we all just needed to STOP SPEAKING.

I highly suggest this. I will definitely be adding it into my routine….not sure how or when but the more I don’t have to talk…the more relaxed I am..

I AM UP IN THE BERKSHIRES.

A part of Massachusetts that my parents have been coming to for 20 years. I love it here. There is a huge artistic community and days can be filled with creative observation.

But this summer of 2020 is more of an empty vessel for creativity. Nothing to go see or hear or watch.

Behind my Mother’s back porch, a home is being built. A saltbox home in black with a black tin roof and huge pane windows. A simple clean home being, with ladders and construction items finishing it up. I began to observe it as I would any other creative production the Berkshires offers, but this time I engaged.

I started to take photos of the process. The process of building a home

I was turned on creatively by this building – clean lines- nothing and everything- open and vulnerable.

I get this house. I am this house. And I began to move with it and even venture into the empty pool.

trespassing was not on my mind.

My mind was filled with swarming butterflies.

I have learned that I love architecture.

I love it…

I spent a week in this love affair.

Then I ran off to the basement of my Mother’s home. I found my movement class again and started recording pieces.

It had been months since I was able to move. My creative juices were desolate, dry and scorched.

My movement became me and I took my practice to the backyard and began to work out there.

I worked with a red lawn chair. a yellow Hammock and then …this tree.

I have looked this tree everyday but I had never truly seen it. It was planted 13 and a half years ago to mark honor of the birth of my youngest son, Mason.

It is, as I have learned, a loving, kind, open and playful tree. Just like Mason. I thought I’d just say hi but that hello has lasted several days

Moving through a tree with sensual exploration.

This tree it nature – the creator of all – mother earth – and I am her child learning to navigate her beauty and in that..owning my own.