Being able to open your mind up to a conversation that is not yours is a risk. Once you’re open, you become vulnerable, able to be seduced into another way of thinking. You might find yourself doing and believing in things that go against who you are at your core. Following the shadow…. I like to say…instead of the light.
Shadow is easy to feel and thus follow. We like to feel things….be inspired…have that intensity…. but often that is a lure…a hook….
How do you really know KNOW if you are following a shadow?
To me, dance is my litmus test. It I don’t feel like I can move…then it is a BIG SIGN. If I can’t move to songs that used to bring me joy, songs in the key of love aka C, then I am most likely following a shadow…stuck in a character.
HOWEVER…
if I just can’t move.. to ANYTHING…and I don;t feel inspired by any song in any key, then I am possibly stuck in LIMBO… Two worlds fighting over me.
In my SURF process I am both in my story and in my future Self…at the same time.
To end the jammed feeling, I have to commit to a decision…one side or the other or I will start to get angry or emotional or irritated…I can be at a place of CD for a couple of weeks at the most……toying with the two versions of the stories. I use my imagination and let myself feel each version in my body. I ask myself…if I do that…what will I feel like?
Choosing one will feel like light and joyful…but then I question that feeling being right by wondering if that being chicken…is that me not challenging myself? Me not wanting to go THERE,,…and so I return to LIMBO and weigh my options again.
If I choose the other choice… I recognize the lack of joy in it. I see myself, in this situation, doing the play and I see it going well and I see my own heart being black…It is not fulfilling my soul…just my EGO. Just like Her…my character
At a time where the idea of serving and helping is more than needed, why would I not focus on that? As a person who feels called to help, why would I not be in that world right now?
That is interesting to me and I go back to LIMBO and sit a little. I Look for words to express my feelings a little… speak softly to confidents my “team”
Then I start to cry from the release of ONE of the choices…
The one that is actually holding me back…and I move toward the joy knowing how easily I could have and was being seduced by ego…empty gains that don’t fulfill me anymore. YET…still can seduce me.
I went into this with ROLE with a salivating tongue…that is the always a bad sign. How tricky seduction is…even when you know it is bad for you…. you sometimes have to go all the way in to unhook yourself from it.
I am undueing myself go from role. I hope it frees me to follow my own lightness.
Being able to open your mind up to a conversation that is not yours is a
risk. Once you’re open, you become vulnerable, able to be seduced into another
way of thinking. You might find yourself doing and believing in things that go
against who you are at your core. Following the shadow…. I like to say…instead
of the light.
Shadow is easy to feel and thus follow. We like to feel things….be
inspired…have that intensity…. but often that is a lure…a hook…. and
depending on how strong that shadow is to you at the time… how you are able
to battle it will be the determining factor. But how do you really know KNOW if
you are following a shadow?
To me, dance is my litmus test. It I don’t feel like I can move…then it is
a BIG SIGN. If I can’t move to songs that used to bring me joy, songs in the key
of love aka C, then I am most likely following a shadow…stuck in a character.
HOWEVER… if I just can’t move to ANYTHING…any song in any key, then I am
stuck in LIMBO… Two worlds fighting over me.
To end the jammed feeling, I have to commit to a decision…one side or the
other or I will start to get angry or emotional or irritated…I can be at a
place of CD for a couple of weeks at the most……toying with the two versions
of the stories. I use my imagination and let myself feel each version in my
body. I ask myself…if I do that…what will I feel like?
Choosing one will feel like light and joyful…but then I question that
feeling being right by wondering if that being chicken…is that me not challenging
myself? Me not wanting to go THERE,,…and so I return to LIMBO and weigh my
options again.
If I choose the other choice… I recognize the lack of joy in it. I see
myself, in this situation, doing the play and I see it going well and I see my
own heart being black…It is not fulfilling my soul…just my EGO. Just like
Her…my character
At a time where the idea of serving and helping is more than needed, why
would I not focus on that? As a person who feels called to help, why would I
not be in that world right now?
That is interesting to me and I go back to LIMBO and sit a little. I Look
for words to express my feelings a little… speak softly to confidents my “team”
Then I start to cry from the release of ONE of the choices…
The one that is actually holding me back…and I move toward the joy knowing
how easily I could have and was being seduced by ego…empty gains that don’t
fulfill me anymore. YET…still can seduce me.
I went into this with ROLE with a salivating tongue…that is the always a
bad sign. How tricky seduction is…even when you know it is bad for you….
you sometimes have to go all the way in to unhook yourself from it.
I am undueing myself go from role. I hope it frees me to follow my own
lightness.
Yes, I have figured out how to transmute energy in the micro second and although I often want to scream and yell like I used to…I smile and breath and take that energy and allow it to burn off more of my own ego.
My ego that thinks I know the right way about anything that is important to others. I only need to know what is right for me…the rest is NONE of my business. Thinking this way… is very detaching…but having come from the savior mentality where what I say matters and what you say equally affects me..
This version of….I have NO right to tell you how to feel or act …is actually much kinder…NO ONE IN AMERICA wants to be told how to be…
I have made peace with people who before I would avoid…becasue in the end…how someone lives or believes or eats or acts…is not my business…
I honor all people and all thoughts…I act as best as I can and I do what I feel is my DUTY …through my art.
I do not hate you for believing differently – i don’t want to waste my energy worrying about that…I believe you have your reasons – just like I do- I believe we are all different and have a choice to make about what we talk about, who we hang out with and how we make out points.
Wishing you love and light and softness….especially when the easier thing might be to do the opposite…
Transmutation of energy is a skill—- and yes I have changed…the way I handle my energy.
Working with a director that asks me to use my own personal past pains for a character is something I have often advised my students NOT to do. However, being in the situation myself it is not that easy to NOT do it.
The director wants me to associate myself with the character as much as possible. In the past I would have run from this but as I am working on my process where the whole point of is to know how to get out I have to do it.
Easy to get out of a character your don’t align with….but trickier to do it with one that bleeds into your own. From the start, willingly…not by chance…but by choice…this is something I have not wanted to do again. Claiming this work is dangerous…but if I have healed my stories…it shouldn’t be…it should be skillful and clear…the path in and most importantly the path OUT.
My SURF process is to both allow yourself to go into and then get out of a character, even if that character is your PAST self. IF- my past pains are healed…I know they are not current. I know that in my heart. I should and will be fine…THIS IS THAT TEST
I have been miserable for days. I have even thought to let go of the play. Walk away. Having been in rehearsal for several weeks. I was thinking NO. THis is not good for my soul. Look how sad I am….understanding her.
And then I thought of a MASTER dance class I was in and at the end when the entire class was putting the dance together…the last five minutes of the entire 2 hour class. I sat down. I bowed out. I was chicken and the teacher pointed it out to the whole group by celebrating those that didn’t sit. Those that dared to follow through till the end.
It was a subtle comment he made but it was pointed and it was felt. An arrow hit the mark. NOTE TO SELF… Dancing with a master company is ballsy- enough I was definitely taking the easy way less embarrassing way out by sitting down.
And so the idea of NOT doing this play because it is going to KICK MY ASS. it is going to show all my cards, it is dangerous. Hell…during rehearsal I was in a room with a guy who tested positive for COVID…this shit is SCARY…I want to run…I am sad and a mess and the idea that I am understanding TRUMP and MELANIA..is even MORE scary.
The idea that I am having conversations with my family about politics and I don’t have a side…the fact that MY opinion on all of this..even the book I spent the past 8 years writing is all being challenged…SCARES the hell out of me.
If I don;t do this show…A direct challenge to my work…it is like NOT wanting a deal on SHark Tank…backing out in a way.
I can see the pattern…get right to the finish line and stop to tie my shoe…looks legit but it is totally NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH.. totally a chicken move
I am not going to back down or back into this…I am going to go full speed ahead….
I know that my relationships with my family are healed…I am living proof here in their home…I know I am aware of where I am able to remember the past and where I can let it go.
I can totally tap into my pain…and then with very clear and defined music and method…get myself out. THAT IS WHAT ACTORS DO….
I am able to do this…or I will be..
Something I am implementing is that I want people to call me by my name. Hearing the name SUSIE is very important for me…it reminds me of who I am ..
Having the dexterity of thought is important for actors. It causes us to be in the FLOW state often.
Our belief system has to be let go of often.
Abandoning your own point of view and entering into another perspective -challenges you to the core….questions your preconceived judgement and the belief ship you are driving around.
When I teach- I used to say…”What if you had to play TRUMP? How would you get your head around that?”
Hw would have to get into his mind and approach him from LOVE? Are you able to do that? Are you that FLEXIBLE?
As luck would have it I was recently sent a script. It is not TRUMP but it is one better, Melania. I am now having to test my FLOW ability.
As a registered democratic liberal woman I have started to undue my own point of view and venture over to Melanias. I am learning a great deal about her. I am proving once again how my ideas shape us and make us who we are…and when we can release them…it feels like both FLOW and also abandonment.
I am working on this role for a possible opening in Aug. It is a two hander and it is political. It is not my POLITICS and yet it opens up conversations that make me question my own self.
I am seeing her in me and vice versa and that is tough. I can’t raise my flag as high as I want, i feel muted, i am scared to do this role, I feel i may be harassed, It could be career death or career rebirth but it is not easy.
The director is even asking me to use my self…which I susie the teacher refuse to do but then again….I susie the actor have to be able to be directed.
For the record everything in my says run…don’t do this..but the truth is….I am still doing it…I am backing myself into this somehow. Keep working on it despite the sadness it is bringing me… learning about her – understanding her- and most importantly EMPATHIZING with her.
Why is there a fight when we are given new information about something? Why can’t we just abort the false information and move ahead?
cog·ni·tive dis·so·nance: the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.
I like to picture CD as the ROCKEN SOCKEM ROBOTS.
Most of us feel that our beliefs are US.
We believe that if we believe something different we will cease to be who we are. We struggle with the letting go because the truth is
We will die.
Our EGO knows we will DIE – someone else when we change our minds. A younger less practiced ego who won’t know everything… THis happens a lot to us in life but to choose to do this….exit a story on your own…what is SKILL
The EGO…wrong or right is not interested in dying and starting over. It has worked so hard to create this ROLE .. it will fight to survive.
So what do you do when two equally powerful ideas are having it out with each other.
You ask yourself “Which idea is right?”
RIGHT?
Wrong!
A better question is which idea is LESS angry?
Causes less drama?
Allows your body to truly release?
Which one is Calm?
The idea that holds on too strongly and causes pain and anger is a
FALSE DEAD STORY.
An old story trying to hold on by overcompensating with razzle dazzle. The Less dramatic idea is a young creative new thought. It tends to feel like air- like ether- unformed and impressionable..
If you follow that NEW IDEA you die – but you also will truly EVOLVE as a person and release OLD stories from your body or at least the attachment you have to them.
But the EGO, that OLD STORY is just so tasty and exciting and OVERDONE…even when you think you are trying to exit with a dramatic exit…you are just perpetuation it ..giving it energy….strengthening it by looking at it….
by slamming the door.
BUT we all know ENERGY NEVER DIES….remember…it can be transmuted and that my loves is what we are all in need of learning…How NOT to slam the door but rather walk softly to it, open it a tiny bit. slither through and blow kisses as we sneak softly out of the ROOM-
Transmutation of ANGER–is the sexiest thing I have ever felt or seen!
You leave a charged situation with a energetic bank account that can be converted into whatever you want with the blink of an eye…it is mystic power…it is something to strive for…riding the wave..
Yes the issue needs to be acknowledged but then…it needs to be FULLY abandoned, put in a box and walked away from, KINDLY.
HOW?
I have found that MUSIC is really really helpful.
If you can find a song that fully represents the feeling you are grabbling to release…put that song on and allow yourself to move through the music till the very end of the song. The music will resolve like any song does and eventually your story will too. REPEAT as needed till you feel a release…like a chiropractic adjustment… It is a sneaky way to begin to trick your psyche- it is what many of us use to get into moods but in this case we use it to get out of it.-
My book with the exercises I use is coming out in a month. It is my process of doing this…super simple and works.
Music that is set to 440 LOVE – middle C is helpful. Your body will not lie if you place this type of music on you and move and film yourself while you explore the disagreement within you. You can watch the video back and you can see for YOURSELF…what is ugly and mean and hurt and pain. EGO ..and what is kind and loving and peaceful soul ego newness
Ask yourself truly…are you here to win the fight? or Are you here to end it?
it has been about three weeks of me finding out I had a nodule to going to my first endocrinologist appointment. I had a biopsy and blood and now I wait.
I had lots of signs…lots….but i have taken supplements to alleviate them and so the signs disappear a bit…and I cope a little more…. I cope
I get a massage and Peter exclaims ‘
1)Your skin soaks up the oil..it is so dry…
2)I have a two week long headache…I go off coffee it goes away…
3)I want to work out hard but my body is resistant to it..
4) I am irritable and annoyed and moody when I eat bead like I did in Edinburgh
5) I am fatigued to the bones sometimes…
.6) I have very heavy periods
7)i have a low but not too low THS
8) I have a sore throat
9) i have ridges in my nails
I am scared. i am hoping this is something I can work through…I tell him…”I am sad all these things I look for end up being something…and i am scared “and he says ” I understand that you are scared but you don’t have a reason to be” and that makes me angry and we start the quarrel loop…our special couple loop.
Being stressed in a huge no no….be calm and heal that dis ease and I think…how…how do you stay calm and function in this life at the same time..I have been calm on a retreat…when I am working…when i have few responsibilities…I can be calm..
I mediate …I move… I dance….I am coping with whatever this is…. there are reasons……damn it…
I cried all day today…from the moment I woke up and had an argument about nothing to the Dr. Saying ” it looks like Hashimoto’s” I pounce to a seated position from his doctor’s table …..I ball hard..from the hit…Hard cry in my car… long hard cry on the phone to my sister and my mom and my aunt and friend… cry it all out….drive around and then home…
another hole and I think this endless patching…this life.
no decisions on this..or even a pair of shoes today.. just .HOME to start to read the cookbook for thyroid recipes that my friend told me about.
I let myself be so so so very sad…that I am not perfect yet again…another hole and I think this endless patching…this life…I am fine now…tears are not available..anymore…..
compassion is easy to come by and not alwasy in the form you want it…brittle or moist …i have it around me…i am blessed and lucky I have people to go to ….reach out to….ask for hugs from…I have given enough hug deposits so I get to withdraw them now
I have given enough hug deposits so I get to withdraw them now
I am running on two separate wheels…one is dealing with this…health stuff and the other is dealing with my work…and that wheel is full and happy and calm and collected..and the one that is dealign with my home is a little flat…tires need to be adjusted.
I found this word today by asking my husband what he felt the opposite of segregation was.
I had been segregated my life these past years to dissect them. It had began with the death of my father the several years of therapy and the hitting of a brick wall with my ability to see Myself. It them moved into performances based on self awareness, kindness, the female journey and relationships. The final aspect was work. That was not so much a performance process but one that stemmed from being in quarantine these past few months.
I have found my work. My creative self and my family did not conflict but rather coincided. The space of my house became the backdrop to my work, my creative expression , my impression and all without having to leave the heart strings I so desperately love, my family.
I have always thought acting and family were oxymorons. I had been taught from a young age and although I peeled away the belief through action I had not uprooted the original programing – till now. To be home creating, not needed to venture out, not having to run from the disturbances of my home as they clash with my creative SUSIE-
The idea of letting a SPACE i had always and desperately wanted to go, to send a text perhaps to say thank you and that it served its purpose…I am integrated.
I am integrated. I have kindly placed all my pieces back together and I have been able to flow and function at such high speeds. No breaks in emotion or energy having to exit and reenter my realisties. I am in one reality and have from here branched into others I have sold myself on. I am in one place and the creative juices flow around me. I am grounded and open minded and secure.
I was watching a show on Netflix as they discussed that a marijuana overdose reveals your holes and insecurities. I remember being concerned that no one could see me and that Steve would sometimes not be next to me even though he was driving the car. My fear was not being seen or heard and perhaps because I knew I wasn’t anywhere too long and thus I was nowhere..in my movement and in my work..I hadn’t tethered them in because it is not the pole it is myself – i have become the pole…centered, clear, understood more and more as I step forward with my work.
Integration. A woman’s work, apron strings and creative juices and the concostions I shall make.
And I I make breakfast, here the sizzle of the bacon the laughter of the boys the grains of sand beneath my feet from the outdoor project I am working on with the family as a 46th Birthday project for me……I am typing
my thoughts in real time on this keyboard on my kitchen counter which will serve as my backdrop for my upcoming interview show I am hosting as my favorite Character Mrs. Keith Wade from Miami Motel Stories…it is called unplugged
Which is what we all needed to do inorder to reset and integrate…
I found this word today by asking my husband what he felt the opposite of segregation was.
I had been segregated by life these back years to dissect them. It had began with the death of my father the several years of therapy and the hitting of a brick wall with my inability ability to see Myself. It them moved into performances based on self awareness, kindness, the female journey and relationships. The final aspect was pice… not so much a performance process but one that stemmed from being in quarantine these past few months.
Integration. Home
I have found my work. My creative self and my family did not conflict but rather coincided. The space of my house became the backdrop to my work, my creative expression , my impression and all without having to leave the heart strings I so desperately love, my family.
I have always thought acting and family were oxymorons. I had been taught that young and although I peeled away the belief through action I had not uprooted the original programing – till now. To be home creating, not needed to venture out, not having to run from the disturbances of my home as they clash with my creative SUSIE-
The idea of letting a SPACE i had always and desperately wanted to go, to send a text perhaps to say thank you and that it served its purpose…I am integrated.
I am integrated. I have kindly placed all my pieces back together and I have been able to flow and function at such high speeds. No breaks in emotion or energy having to exit and reenter my realisties. I am in one reality and have from here branched into others I have sold myself on. I am in one place and the creative juices flow around me. I am grounded and open minded and secure.
I was watching a show on Netflix as they discussed that a marijuana overdose reveals your holes and insecurities. I remember being concerned that no one could see me and that Steve would sometimes not be next to me even though he was driving the car. My fear was not being seen or heard and perhaps because I knew I wasn’t anywhere to long and thus I was nowhere..in my movement and in my work..I hadn’t tethered them in because it is not the pole it is myself – i have become the pole…centered, clear, understood more and more as I step forward with my work.
Integration. A woman’s work, apron strings and creative juices and the concostions I shall make.
Acting has made me an empath by trade. Since I tend to take work home with me, I can feel for other people…as I walk our quiet little neighborhood. I slip off the path and take a walk alone thought the empty streets but for connection seekers desperately hoping to see someone and have to step away…desperately hoping to hear kids laughter or catch someone’s eye…I walk the quiet old fashioned simple streets and sit under a large tree I may have time to learn the name of and I bow my head and I cry…
I know why I am crying…so much change..so much helplessness…so much I am not part of nor want to be part of…so much I can do but don’t know yet what or how or have the strength internally to do…crying because I am falling short and only able to hold my family in their house and that is all I can do…and that is enough for me for now…
I haven’t seen my mom…I am waiting the 14 days but I miss her…I am aware this is not ending soon…Steve’s family has driven to NC. We are here for now…
i am sitting in my front yard- it is 5:07 am. I am up. I have been up since 3:01- I went to bed a little too early or my mind is racing or perhaps I am in recasting…I am in understanding..I am in them both…..
The story is that we are all about to get a virus…hopefully we all get through it…we are all about to change…molecularly or emotionally or spiritually.
your life choices and out outlooks are being challenged and if you had any doubts…about any of it…they will come out .
I have none.
For the past five years or maybe 11. somewhere in there…I have made choices about my life that are based on having one universal engine running my ship…
that engine is love and kindness and it took a ton of work for me as an actor trained to hold on to stories to be able to use them…to actually let them go.
I let them go and let them go and eventually i ended up here…in the exact pain that you are in but the only difference is that mine is not tapping into past trauma…not much at least…because my past trauma has been healed based on my belief that you can be light and worthy.
I urge you to ask for forgiveness from anyone you think that HURT you…so that you can be set free and set them free from that pain body that has the ability to magnetize other pain towards it.
Maintain happiness and joy and kindness as much as possible…ward off the dark and hardships…don’t read the news or listen to it..don’t even get on social media long because it is like smoke..it will seep into you and your effort to maintain a open heart and a healthy outlook will be less and less.
Focus on your essentials…on your moment to moment desires wants and joy seek…JOY SEEK J O Y SEEK.
