Author: Susie Taylor

I just took my first yoga class. Well not technically but kind of…from a guy I met about fur years ago and just as it turns out..by happenstance.. I was at the Soho house and the locker room door was locked so I walked to the yoga room to perhaps sit and relax but I saw black flip flops at the entrance of the room with white designs on them…so I remembered there was a class…I walked back out and down the hall to the Rhythems of the mediation sound of piped in chimes and as my feet landed on the carpets…I thought about finishing my decaf coffee on the balcony of the gym but as I walked toward the gym the hotel clerk appeared with a key and opened the locker room as I passed it and opened the door. As I entered I looked to the right and saw the gentlemen I was sharing a staircase with earlier- H wa going…to YOGA I guess and so as I entered the locker room and my body led me to the locker I insticically changed into my yoga clothes and walked to the yoga studio. entered through the back entrance and was informed that this teacher that I have taken class with just a few weeks ago and who’s energy I enjoyed to the point of choosing that yoga space to teach my SURF CLASS at.
We teaches/leads a mycore class which is a self lead mediation with assistance. I have tried this other places before and injured my knee which I am still dealing with so I took it slow..he took it slow and in my back bend which he seemed unimpressed by he whispered…

IF YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU -YOU HAVE TO COME FOUR TIMES A WEEK.

I thought about it laughed and thanked the universe and images of him with Steve and I in Scotland started to dance in my mind…a woman and a husband wtth a yogi we travel with….WHY NOT…

We signed the papers and it is official…Edinbough 2019 is happening…thank you Tim for the nudge in that direction with pointing me towards Flea Bag.

I’ll be just like her but the opposite..

xoxo
S

What if you are just playing a character in a PLAY that ended YEARS AGo?

I have spent a ton of time exploring getting over loss and anger and found through my movement method that what is really going on for me is that I am holding what actors call SENSE MEMORIES and they are playing out in the present time. Memories of past events were on my front burner as though they happened yesterday.

The funny thing is that actors are trained to hold those memories and tap into them and in the end it can cause us a lot of emotional trauma…this not letting go…and then on top of that all the ROLES and their drama..it can get very confusing and I for one am not 100% sure the MIND knows we are joking…ya know…playing a role over and over again…and maybe the same can be for you…maybe you MIND thinks this is STILL happening …there is still DANGER…

As actors we are trained to hold onto feelings and experiences…WHAT IF.. some claim they don’t use their own life but I have found in my teaching that once you open up the valves of empathetic emotional connection you can’t fully control it…

All I can say is the more healed you are ..the less the pain of the characters or the pain of the situation you are in…STICK to you…Ruins your day…etc. he thinking we can one day draw from that memory…but here is what I learned. Pain happens daily. If you let go of past pain you will still feel pain but in a much lighter easier to let go way. BUT when you feel pain daily and that pain taps into your past pain then you are having what some people refer to as a trigger and with what is going on in this world today….I can honestly say the world thrives on triggers…not the world I like to be in but the consumer world…the entertainment world..they are banking on tapping into your sense memory and NOT resolving it but just tapping into it..like some people have done to our NATIONAL PAIN BODY..( both sides) WHY?
it causes us to act but in the end to what end…My process of letting go or getting out of character or just plane GETTING OVER it is to allow your body to do what it does best…HEAL…and guide you through movement to a story that is blissful and kind and loving because it is right there…you just may not see it because you can’t imagine who you would be if your story didn’t exist…I’ll tell you…You would be YOU..in your truest form and relaxed and light and flowing and when something amazing happened or painful happened you would respond…and know to forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness and choose to NOT rely of anger and Pain as motivation but perhaps..perhaps rely of something beyond that…something that once you build on it…offers you everything and that my dears is TRUST…TRUST yourself and trust others because in the end that is all we have…
as they say…we spin around on a moving planet…if that isn’t amazing….I don’t know what is.

I am bringing my work out to the community from the point of view of FLOW. We really need to learn to tap into our lightness and this SURF class I am teaching this MONTH will explore a version of you as LIGHT….we will work on resetting your Theta brain or your internal monologue by a magical mystical experience that is so simple it is silly…but it works…just like a vision board that is plugged into a 100000 volt watt…
BEWARE:
Your Ego does not want you to do this..it LOVES your stories and your pain and how you move..it keeps your EGO ALIVE…to let all that go is to become humble and it is an act I practice daily and it is TOUGH but it pays off…

I know this is long and most of you are not readying this but to the ones that are..I ask you…please Come play with me…my class is ALL movement based NO speaking and all HEALING…it is fun and kind and might just be that thing you need to get you PAST YOURSELF…oh and by the way..
none of your friends will tell you the truth…your frenemies might…I will but most won’t because they are who they are because you are who you are and if you change…well…they would have to do the same and most people don’t like to CHANGE….real CHANGE…takes a love of acts of humbleness and a bucket load of faith.

Nika and I met at a wedding of our mutual freind Sofia in Boulder about 17 years ago. We have broken up two or three times since. The last one ended in her and I hugging and saying goodbye. We knew this pattern and we somehow knew we would meet again.

So Last night ..
I was coming out of the bathroom at a Bar Mitvah for Kim’s son and I thought..stay or go…and then I thought..Stay…you’ll meet someone special. I went back out and I was dancing and then I turned around and saw Nika. I saw her like I just met her again for the 1st time but I knew her – That was the way I SAW her. From a distance…with perspective and with my own breath a little more manageable…

Funnily and intuitively I had called and texted the past few weeks and she texted back one line. We are fine…
I suppose. year was the time we needed to straighten out our shit.

She looked beauitful and happy and her son was with her. We instantly said hi and that was that. All was forgiven.
There is some odd respect in our nature of cutting away and getting our stuff together that I suppose we respect about each other. We go about it differently we have different lives but we are both artist and both mothers and wives and those roles when played simultaneously can be daunting…for us

She ended up offering to drive me home and it was so sweet. Friendships come and go and come and go and like the wind they never really leave you- real ones…

I had mentioned her a few times these last weeks…realizing that I needed that to be clear in order to move ahead fully and it was becasue I had Runi to another mutual freind of ours at a jewelry show that I happened to run into again two days ago.

And Steve is starting to drink the coolaide becasue in a stadium of about 100,000 people he ran into a guy he was talking about business with and said…it has to mean something..

I think Steve and I are going to follow FAITH this year..just allow the universe to guide us and not worry of the HOW just worry about the YES AND.

This month I already have three gigs that I am cast for and I am open to receiving more…I am going to do a voice over tape and get that part of my business going. I am booking the theater in Edinbough and the house we will stay at – and I have started to script the concept of the show.
I also am doing the Danette May cleanse again and getting myself back into the shape I was in the moement I realized I had to take out my fake boobs. I look forward to being my best physical self in all my truth..

Xo
S

My tarot cards said I will receive offers. I am happy about this. I am working on reviewing…I am a much better giver in bed and in life and so being able to recieve is a practice I am enjoying. This month thus far I have received a contract to be in a play, A contract to rent a theater, A offer of a Live Industrial paying BIG Bucks and an opportunity to read Shakespeare…A meeting with another agent and the house to myself this weekend.

I am receiving it all…I am working hard to be in the receiving mode…I also bumped into beautiful beings of light today who are gong to join me on Tuesday for my class and who have a theater space for me to tour to possible teach my class at on another date…maybe Saturday… I am waiting on more things but as I sit with open arms I am equally greatful for the abundance in my life…

I can complain about life just as easily but I know better…focus on the light and that is what will come to you…so there.

My class is happening on Tuesdays at 2 this month and I love it…the location is called Tropical Vinyasa…super beautiful studio

Next week I hope to gather a group of creative beings to play with me and manifest a beutiful version of a world be have yet to know…built by overs who have respect and ownership of their power..

So I have come to understand that STRESS and SUSIE are not great…I like to move quickly and lightly and when things…waves come toward me IF i really look at it and measure it I get overwhelmed and shut down and CRY a lot…

THis is usually during my period and I feel trapped and alone and like the world is after me…but…BUT…this time I made a CALL. I called another power house woman while I was slipping and she got my footing back.

I feel the person you call is of most importance..if they are not in the same game thy will tend to buffer you and let you slip and slide becasue that makes sense to them..

If you want to play in the big leagues you need to practice with the BIG leagues and keep yourself in that batting cage till the whole bucket of balls are strikes..( I miss that)

So I called Sofia. My once enemy in junior high turned best freind for life- I wish we lived closer.

After I spoke with Steve and declared I was about to JUMP SHIP on all of it..

BUT

See…

Sofia called just then…called me back…I actually had reached out to her and she was my lifeline…and good thing…because she is in the same ocean and negotiating the same waves…she is the only one I really need to hear right now..

She walked me through my “problems” and helped me see they are NOT “problems: at all- just a ton of opportunity I am not yet sure how to handle and this…this is where I have in the past cowarered down— weakened my grip, thought to myself…OH I CAN’T DO ALL THAT…

and becasue she was kind and loving and peaceful and understanding because she too is right there…at the presispus of it all…she was able to take me back behind the MOTHER ship.

#GARY ZUKOV/ SEAT OF THE SOUL

FLOW STATE is also drafting…if you think about it!
MY VISION DANCE FOR THIS YEAR….ALL OF IT….BRING IT…

Be xoxoxoxo carful who you speak to when you are sad

some with mother you
some with challenge you TOO hard and knock you down and some – like Sofia

winter is never here but I will get to now her soon
she is never near but I will get to hold her soon
winter is a distant dream I really ever have
and if she comes to tea I think we will go mad

tomorrow I am starting one month of once a week classes. I am starting becasue I want to do them and I miss them and they make me happy. I am starting becasue being kind takes practice and I like to keep my kindness in check.

I am feeling today…feeling a bit drained. THis weekend kicked my but- I got my period and I was a mess. I was tired and drained in every sense of the word…and then…after two days of wanting to eat peoples eyes..I returned my pretty normal self…

I can tell that even when I am not saying anything that my energy has shifted becasue people look at me differently…more scared then the normal happy and it is becasue I am in a MOOOOOOOOD…I think Devon had my by my pig tails this weekend and refused to let go till everything I said was said.

i still can’t work out…keeping the diet high protein…no carbs…lots of eggs and just had my first burger MINI in several months-

I am waiting…a bit…for things but tomorrow I am teaching.. I went to an audition today that I purchased somethign for which a never do but felt it woudl be a smart call and now I am stifling in them.

Scrubs are the BEST thing ever.

I have been cut open many times in my life
2 c sections
3 breast surgeries.
in out and up
and now my head.
that makes 7
and that is a holy number.

I’m fine and I have scars to prove it.

this post was written slate at night and I bet it sounds like it

The power of our minds is amazing if you think about it. And the ability to hurt people with our thoughts is real. If you have a villian in your life and your are wishing them ill…you are hurting them…and thus…you are the villian and they become the victim….

In this moement of #kavenough and #Ford I think about this. What if…..Ford accuses Kavanaugh and explains all the pain and then say to HIM Pleas forgive me for holding you as the villian all these years….and then Kavanaugh in an amazing turn of character breaks down becasue all those secrets…all those pains…couldn’t begin to be released on him…what with all the KArma thoughts he created…they perhaps never go away

But here…Dr. Ford says….please forgive me for holding you as my villian…

Did the Ho’oponopono prayer….
So and so
Please forgive ME
I am sorry
I love you
THank you

I have done this…to three people in my life that I held as villains due to sexual conduct.
Each of them are better for it and I believe each of them were harmed by my inability to release them all those years as MY villian

They say children become what you call them…

By asking them to forgive ME for holding THEM all these years the trauma began to unchagre in my life…the event became close with love… – i felt it was mine to do with as I may and I decided …hey..life is good so I am going to just……let it go…little by little till there is just a phantom memeory of it all. And of the three— one i see often and we are super close friends, one I keep i contact with through text and we are spiritually close due to our past…and the third I only spoke with via facebook but I see he is now a healer himself …so see.

What we need to do is free people when you can…becasue …. you can.

Still wouldn’t vote any of them into the Supreme Court though…

God Speed.

Xoxo

S

Today we moved rooms in our house. Now the boys have their very own rooms. Yeah. I have the larger space with Steve and thorugh it all we had to move and get rid stuff. Basically everything we owned was touched today and half of it I think was taken out of the house. The boys now have what I have always wanted…their own space.

I lost it during the day today. It started with Steve mentioning some thing about finances and then me so PMSing that DEVON arrived…without warning…

She was pissed. She realized that after all of it was are not moving to a bigger better house with a sperate entrance for her. We are not giving her her own room…in fact she is not even MOVING and she is PISSED!

I swore I would let her have her way but what I think happened is I channeled all her desires into my work and I have truly begun to learn how to take advantage of my drive and endless propensity to do the next thing.

But in the house she seemed to look around and she was pissed and so my son..seeing me cry with this utter frustration —-even though he was helping just as much..more than anyone becasue I couldn’t lift anything bc of the hole in my head and my other son had a race and a game that Steve was taking him to. So basically -my eldest son was leading the move initiative and when he said….

MOM…( after hugging me and letting me cry) it is just Devon..

I instantly awoke from this FOUL MOOD of PMS and I was free.

Is this was it feels like fo people who have multiple personalities…I am still facinated by the fasinated that while i am upset and acting like a brat and all DEVON i am keenly aware that this is a MOOD and I am not in my best state of mind

Much like a part in a play…I do it..i answer the drive of the role…but deep down I know it is not the best version of me…becasue I know me now..TRUESUE .and that..that has made all the difference

Hard to go HOME when you never been.

S

just a little thing on the top of my head that I kind of ignored. Funny how we focus on the OTHER and the LARGER and in the end it is the little things.

I went yesterday to get this removed and I have now a hole in my head sewn shut along a part I will never use again. I have a memory of the sun and I playing that I dare think will be never again. I have a reality of a life lived in paradise and never yet -till yesterday- payed dearly for..

I am stiller today and kinder now and my farewell to the sun is sad…tears rolled down my face as that evidence was removed,,,not pain…but loss..loss of innocence and how moving on…being more aware of the sun and my relationship to it- will no doubt change my carefree vibe

But still…I respect her and love her and will adore her from a further distance now…at a later hour now…at an earlier time…I will walk in the shade and sit under a tree and remember the days from a place of ease.

and Ill need to buy a proper hat…