Author: Susie Taylor

Nika and I met at a wedding of our mutual freind Sofia in Boulder about 17 years ago. We have broken up two or three times since. The last one ended in her and I hugging and saying goodbye. We knew this pattern and we somehow knew we would meet again.

So Last night ..
I was coming out of the bathroom at a Bar Mitvah for Kim’s son and I thought..stay or go…and then I thought..Stay…you’ll meet someone special. I went back out and I was dancing and then I turned around and saw Nika. I saw her like I just met her again for the 1st time but I knew her – That was the way I SAW her. From a distance…with perspective and with my own breath a little more manageable…

Funnily and intuitively I had called and texted the past few weeks and she texted back one line. We are fine…
I suppose. year was the time we needed to straighten out our shit.

She looked beauitful and happy and her son was with her. We instantly said hi and that was that. All was forgiven.
There is some odd respect in our nature of cutting away and getting our stuff together that I suppose we respect about each other. We go about it differently we have different lives but we are both artist and both mothers and wives and those roles when played simultaneously can be daunting…for us

She ended up offering to drive me home and it was so sweet. Friendships come and go and come and go and like the wind they never really leave you- real ones…

I had mentioned her a few times these last weeks…realizing that I needed that to be clear in order to move ahead fully and it was becasue I had Runi to another mutual freind of ours at a jewelry show that I happened to run into again two days ago.

And Steve is starting to drink the coolaide becasue in a stadium of about 100,000 people he ran into a guy he was talking about business with and said…it has to mean something..

I think Steve and I are going to follow FAITH this year..just allow the universe to guide us and not worry of the HOW just worry about the YES AND.

This month I already have three gigs that I am cast for and I am open to receiving more…I am going to do a voice over tape and get that part of my business going. I am booking the theater in Edinbough and the house we will stay at – and I have started to script the concept of the show.
I also am doing the Danette May cleanse again and getting myself back into the shape I was in the moement I realized I had to take out my fake boobs. I look forward to being my best physical self in all my truth..

Xo
S

My tarot cards said I will receive offers. I am happy about this. I am working on reviewing…I am a much better giver in bed and in life and so being able to recieve is a practice I am enjoying. This month thus far I have received a contract to be in a play, A contract to rent a theater, A offer of a Live Industrial paying BIG Bucks and an opportunity to read Shakespeare…A meeting with another agent and the house to myself this weekend.

I am receiving it all…I am working hard to be in the receiving mode…I also bumped into beautiful beings of light today who are gong to join me on Tuesday for my class and who have a theater space for me to tour to possible teach my class at on another date…maybe Saturday… I am waiting on more things but as I sit with open arms I am equally greatful for the abundance in my life…

I can complain about life just as easily but I know better…focus on the light and that is what will come to you…so there.

My class is happening on Tuesdays at 2 this month and I love it…the location is called Tropical Vinyasa…super beautiful studio

Next week I hope to gather a group of creative beings to play with me and manifest a beutiful version of a world be have yet to know…built by overs who have respect and ownership of their power..

So I have come to understand that STRESS and SUSIE are not great…I like to move quickly and lightly and when things…waves come toward me IF i really look at it and measure it I get overwhelmed and shut down and CRY a lot…

THis is usually during my period and I feel trapped and alone and like the world is after me…but…BUT…this time I made a CALL. I called another power house woman while I was slipping and she got my footing back.

I feel the person you call is of most importance..if they are not in the same game thy will tend to buffer you and let you slip and slide becasue that makes sense to them..

If you want to play in the big leagues you need to practice with the BIG leagues and keep yourself in that batting cage till the whole bucket of balls are strikes..( I miss that)

So I called Sofia. My once enemy in junior high turned best freind for life- I wish we lived closer.

After I spoke with Steve and declared I was about to JUMP SHIP on all of it..

BUT

See…

Sofia called just then…called me back…I actually had reached out to her and she was my lifeline…and good thing…because she is in the same ocean and negotiating the same waves…she is the only one I really need to hear right now..

She walked me through my “problems” and helped me see they are NOT “problems: at all- just a ton of opportunity I am not yet sure how to handle and this…this is where I have in the past cowarered down— weakened my grip, thought to myself…OH I CAN’T DO ALL THAT…

and becasue she was kind and loving and peaceful and understanding because she too is right there…at the presispus of it all…she was able to take me back behind the MOTHER ship.

#GARY ZUKOV/ SEAT OF THE SOUL

FLOW STATE is also drafting…if you think about it!
MY VISION DANCE FOR THIS YEAR….ALL OF IT….BRING IT…

Be xoxoxoxo carful who you speak to when you are sad

some with mother you
some with challenge you TOO hard and knock you down and some – like Sofia

winter is never here but I will get to now her soon
she is never near but I will get to hold her soon
winter is a distant dream I really ever have
and if she comes to tea I think we will go mad

tomorrow I am starting one month of once a week classes. I am starting becasue I want to do them and I miss them and they make me happy. I am starting becasue being kind takes practice and I like to keep my kindness in check.

I am feeling today…feeling a bit drained. THis weekend kicked my but- I got my period and I was a mess. I was tired and drained in every sense of the word…and then…after two days of wanting to eat peoples eyes..I returned my pretty normal self…

I can tell that even when I am not saying anything that my energy has shifted becasue people look at me differently…more scared then the normal happy and it is becasue I am in a MOOOOOOOOD…I think Devon had my by my pig tails this weekend and refused to let go till everything I said was said.

i still can’t work out…keeping the diet high protein…no carbs…lots of eggs and just had my first burger MINI in several months-

I am waiting…a bit…for things but tomorrow I am teaching.. I went to an audition today that I purchased somethign for which a never do but felt it woudl be a smart call and now I am stifling in them.

Scrubs are the BEST thing ever.

I have been cut open many times in my life
2 c sections
3 breast surgeries.
in out and up
and now my head.
that makes 7
and that is a holy number.

I’m fine and I have scars to prove it.

this post was written slate at night and I bet it sounds like it

The power of our minds is amazing if you think about it. And the ability to hurt people with our thoughts is real. If you have a villian in your life and your are wishing them ill…you are hurting them…and thus…you are the villian and they become the victim….

In this moement of #kavenough and #Ford I think about this. What if…..Ford accuses Kavanaugh and explains all the pain and then say to HIM Pleas forgive me for holding you as the villian all these years….and then Kavanaugh in an amazing turn of character breaks down becasue all those secrets…all those pains…couldn’t begin to be released on him…what with all the KArma thoughts he created…they perhaps never go away

But here…Dr. Ford says….please forgive me for holding you as my villian…

Did the Ho’oponopono prayer….
So and so
Please forgive ME
I am sorry
I love you
THank you

I have done this…to three people in my life that I held as villains due to sexual conduct.
Each of them are better for it and I believe each of them were harmed by my inability to release them all those years as MY villian

They say children become what you call them…

By asking them to forgive ME for holding THEM all these years the trauma began to unchagre in my life…the event became close with love… – i felt it was mine to do with as I may and I decided …hey..life is good so I am going to just……let it go…little by little till there is just a phantom memeory of it all. And of the three— one i see often and we are super close friends, one I keep i contact with through text and we are spiritually close due to our past…and the third I only spoke with via facebook but I see he is now a healer himself …so see.

What we need to do is free people when you can…becasue …. you can.

Still wouldn’t vote any of them into the Supreme Court though…

God Speed.

Xoxo

S

Today we moved rooms in our house. Now the boys have their very own rooms. Yeah. I have the larger space with Steve and thorugh it all we had to move and get rid stuff. Basically everything we owned was touched today and half of it I think was taken out of the house. The boys now have what I have always wanted…their own space.

I lost it during the day today. It started with Steve mentioning some thing about finances and then me so PMSing that DEVON arrived…without warning…

She was pissed. She realized that after all of it was are not moving to a bigger better house with a sperate entrance for her. We are not giving her her own room…in fact she is not even MOVING and she is PISSED!

I swore I would let her have her way but what I think happened is I channeled all her desires into my work and I have truly begun to learn how to take advantage of my drive and endless propensity to do the next thing.

But in the house she seemed to look around and she was pissed and so my son..seeing me cry with this utter frustration —-even though he was helping just as much..more than anyone becasue I couldn’t lift anything bc of the hole in my head and my other son had a race and a game that Steve was taking him to. So basically -my eldest son was leading the move initiative and when he said….

MOM…( after hugging me and letting me cry) it is just Devon..

I instantly awoke from this FOUL MOOD of PMS and I was free.

Is this was it feels like fo people who have multiple personalities…I am still facinated by the fasinated that while i am upset and acting like a brat and all DEVON i am keenly aware that this is a MOOD and I am not in my best state of mind

Much like a part in a play…I do it..i answer the drive of the role…but deep down I know it is not the best version of me…becasue I know me now..TRUESUE .and that..that has made all the difference

Hard to go HOME when you never been.

S

just a little thing on the top of my head that I kind of ignored. Funny how we focus on the OTHER and the LARGER and in the end it is the little things.

I went yesterday to get this removed and I have now a hole in my head sewn shut along a part I will never use again. I have a memory of the sun and I playing that I dare think will be never again. I have a reality of a life lived in paradise and never yet -till yesterday- payed dearly for..

I am stiller today and kinder now and my farewell to the sun is sad…tears rolled down my face as that evidence was removed,,,not pain…but loss..loss of innocence and how moving on…being more aware of the sun and my relationship to it- will no doubt change my carefree vibe

But still…I respect her and love her and will adore her from a further distance now…at a later hour now…at an earlier time…I will walk in the shade and sit under a tree and remember the days from a place of ease.

and Ill need to buy a proper hat…

Knowing you can do things by yourself has a tinge of sadness to it. It pulls you away from your pack and you break away…and in that your self you knew peels off of you..it hurts a bit the first few times but then you become familiar with the burn…it is now a habitual feeling you recognize and welcome..regardless of the sadness of farewell because you know your position is not Set if there is room to move forward.

It isn’t that where I was was bad…angry or intense…things are much more subtle when you get closer to your true self…it is more of a fleeting feeeling…a wind that passes by and reminds you of scent you once knew but don’t anymore.

It is a sniffing of the exact blade of grass type of work-

What this does is that it takes the pressure off the emails of the road i am building and I say…that will do…this doesn’t need to be perfect…just good enough because my heart is on a mission and if I pause too long to worry is a line is right or a word is spelled correctly the wind will die and I may just loose my wind…and have to wait till I am bold enough to not care that you are reading this judge in me becasue in the end if you are reading this you find somethign in it regardless of my imperfection and I hope one day you’ll find that within yourself…

Imperfections are testers….focus on them and stay put…ignore them and live in denial but address them and absorb them as you and all of you will fly…not fragments…unity-

I am by myself in an office getting a small surgery and no one is here to hold my hand. I am alone and I am with life- I trust this thing on my head is happy to be taken off and I will be freer without this clog in my receptor. I believe in this version of myself becasue the proof is in the pudding….I am SOLO – SOLITO as my mother in Law tells me about her son…But now I am the thing I use to find rude and individualistic but the thing is…pull the herd and drain your energy…jockey up front and take off…whoever drafts let it be…i will be eyes on the glistening sun of the MIami JTCausway reflecting back the dreams of the legends-

I have had two agents to speak of. Each have done a fine job but in the end I felt like they and I bottomed out.

I wasn’t getting the feedback I needed to move forward and what I learned by representing myself this past couple months was that it was my issue.

Partially.

I wasn’t really approaching my on camera work with a sense of wisdom and clinical awareness. I didn’t ask for feedback during the audition without judgment. I was still attached to my craft in a way that was limiting.

By becoming my own manager and agent I learned a great deal and have now decided to work with a new agent-someone who respect the actor and who has a love for the game.

I found her through a birthday wish on LinkedIn and thorugh meeting her I realized that as I was stumbling through my on camera career I was at hearing content to clip together to make this transition much easier.

She even went above and beyond and asked about my family and I sent an image of them with my mother in law and mom and she was also interested in them.She has a bigger vision then many other local agents I have worked with or rather was seeing me in a different way then others and here is the question.

Have I changed…Yes..I have become more open…more willing and in that she sees me with endless possibilities which then pushes me to myself with that same vision. I asked her about being a scout for her since I tend to come across a ton of talent and she was OPEN to it.

And that my loves is the game..stay open and the world will be open and your mind is easily inhabited by evil little naysayers if you are idle…stay moving…stay with your chin up…meditate…pray…protect…and profisize daily on your own behalf…tell the universe where you are going and remind it is just a step in the never ending journey you are willing to explore..

I am getting a Basel cell removed today and it is on the center top of my head..meaning my third eye is going to be opened and in that moment I will inject only positive beliefs and will not hang with negativity…as that grind on my lightness.

I had a vision in my meditation.. I was dancing on the tip of a pole with absolute agility and faith and it was so freeing..

That is what this year is going to be all about….one toe on the tip of a pole that happens to be grounded int he earth and the rest of me dancing to capture the world

I am embracing the world_evey color for which I am to shade into my rainbow of life.

S