Category: Kitchen

Today we moved rooms in our house. Now the boys have their very own rooms. Yeah. I have the larger space with Steve and thorugh it all we had to move and get rid stuff. Basically everything we owned was touched today and half of it I think was taken out of the house. The boys now have what I have always wanted…their own space.

I lost it during the day today. It started with Steve mentioning some thing about finances and then me so PMSing that DEVON arrived…without warning…

She was pissed. She realized that after all of it was are not moving to a bigger better house with a sperate entrance for her. We are not giving her her own room…in fact she is not even MOVING and she is PISSED!

I swore I would let her have her way but what I think happened is I channeled all her desires into my work and I have truly begun to learn how to take advantage of my drive and endless propensity to do the next thing.

But in the house she seemed to look around and she was pissed and so my son..seeing me cry with this utter frustration —-even though he was helping just as much..more than anyone becasue I couldn’t lift anything bc of the hole in my head and my other son had a race and a game that Steve was taking him to. So basically -my eldest son was leading the move initiative and when he said….

MOM…( after hugging me and letting me cry) it is just Devon..

I instantly awoke from this FOUL MOOD of PMS and I was free.

Is this was it feels like fo people who have multiple personalities…I am still facinated by the fasinated that while i am upset and acting like a brat and all DEVON i am keenly aware that this is a MOOD and I am not in my best state of mind

Much like a part in a play…I do it..i answer the drive of the role…but deep down I know it is not the best version of me…becasue I know me now..TRUESUE .and that..that has made all the difference

Hard to go HOME when you never been.

S

just a little thing on the top of my head that I kind of ignored. Funny how we focus on the OTHER and the LARGER and in the end it is the little things.

I went yesterday to get this removed and I have now a hole in my head sewn shut along a part I will never use again. I have a memory of the sun and I playing that I dare think will be never again. I have a reality of a life lived in paradise and never yet -till yesterday- payed dearly for..

I am stiller today and kinder now and my farewell to the sun is sad…tears rolled down my face as that evidence was removed,,,not pain…but loss..loss of innocence and how moving on…being more aware of the sun and my relationship to it- will no doubt change my carefree vibe

But still…I respect her and love her and will adore her from a further distance now…at a later hour now…at an earlier time…I will walk in the shade and sit under a tree and remember the days from a place of ease.

and Ill need to buy a proper hat…

Knowing you can do things by yourself has a tinge of sadness to it. It pulls you away from your pack and you break away…and in that your self you knew peels off of you..it hurts a bit the first few times but then you become familiar with the burn…it is now a habitual feeling you recognize and welcome..regardless of the sadness of farewell because you know your position is not Set if there is room to move forward.

It isn’t that where I was was bad…angry or intense…things are much more subtle when you get closer to your true self…it is more of a fleeting feeeling…a wind that passes by and reminds you of scent you once knew but don’t anymore.

It is a sniffing of the exact blade of grass type of work-

What this does is that it takes the pressure off the emails of the road i am building and I say…that will do…this doesn’t need to be perfect…just good enough because my heart is on a mission and if I pause too long to worry is a line is right or a word is spelled correctly the wind will die and I may just loose my wind…and have to wait till I am bold enough to not care that you are reading this judge in me becasue in the end if you are reading this you find somethign in it regardless of my imperfection and I hope one day you’ll find that within yourself…

Imperfections are testers….focus on them and stay put…ignore them and live in denial but address them and absorb them as you and all of you will fly…not fragments…unity-

I am by myself in an office getting a small surgery and no one is here to hold my hand. I am alone and I am with life- I trust this thing on my head is happy to be taken off and I will be freer without this clog in my receptor. I believe in this version of myself becasue the proof is in the pudding….I am SOLO – SOLITO as my mother in Law tells me about her son…But now I am the thing I use to find rude and individualistic but the thing is…pull the herd and drain your energy…jockey up front and take off…whoever drafts let it be…i will be eyes on the glistening sun of the MIami JTCausway reflecting back the dreams of the legends-

I have had two agents to speak of. Each have done a fine job but in the end I felt like they and I bottomed out.

I wasn’t getting the feedback I needed to move forward and what I learned by representing myself this past couple months was that it was my issue.

Partially.

I wasn’t really approaching my on camera work with a sense of wisdom and clinical awareness. I didn’t ask for feedback during the audition without judgment. I was still attached to my craft in a way that was limiting.

By becoming my own manager and agent I learned a great deal and have now decided to work with a new agent-someone who respect the actor and who has a love for the game.

I found her through a birthday wish on LinkedIn and thorugh meeting her I realized that as I was stumbling through my on camera career I was at hearing content to clip together to make this transition much easier.

She even went above and beyond and asked about my family and I sent an image of them with my mother in law and mom and she was also interested in them.She has a bigger vision then many other local agents I have worked with or rather was seeing me in a different way then others and here is the question.

Have I changed…Yes..I have become more open…more willing and in that she sees me with endless possibilities which then pushes me to myself with that same vision. I asked her about being a scout for her since I tend to come across a ton of talent and she was OPEN to it.

And that my loves is the game..stay open and the world will be open and your mind is easily inhabited by evil little naysayers if you are idle…stay moving…stay with your chin up…meditate…pray…protect…and profisize daily on your own behalf…tell the universe where you are going and remind it is just a step in the never ending journey you are willing to explore..

I am getting a Basel cell removed today and it is on the center top of my head..meaning my third eye is going to be opened and in that moment I will inject only positive beliefs and will not hang with negativity…as that grind on my lightness.

I had a vision in my meditation.. I was dancing on the tip of a pole with absolute agility and faith and it was so freeing..

That is what this year is going to be all about….one toe on the tip of a pole that happens to be grounded int he earth and the rest of me dancing to capture the world

I am embracing the world_evey color for which I am to shade into my rainbow of life.

S

After a weekend of love and cuddles and drinks and bubbles…I hope you know that you are loved more than most can ever be
So stop complaining that she bothers you
It is you who are bothering me

I am not sure how it happened…most likely due to my lack of size C boobs but I have developed a tummy. I am not impressed with this tummy and not sure why or how it got here. I think the two surgeries this year did a number on me and it is still two month shy of a year since the first one so…maybe I am still recovering..

lucky me

I get to get a basil cell out soon which will dampen my workout again…I have to start understanding what is making me get this pooch.

I know when I was 100% off bread I was better…I know this..

So I can do that…I can go off again…

But still

Just looked at a wonderful weekend of images and there was my pooch.the other girls were concerned about thier mothers and I was blissfully SET in my relationship with my mother…RESET to the date that she taught to skip- that is how I am currently programmed and it works for me.
this happened thorugh my movement class and I am happy I have that beautiful memory ingrained in my scull.

I hope that it isn’t removed when they take off my Basel cell…i am also secretly hoping they can perform a small brow lift when they suture the skin together…I mean a girl can dream can’t she

Growing old gracefully around a ton of women who are not…is a fascinating experiment…

Today I sat at my kitchen table explaining to Steve about the Theaters in Edenbough and what the costs and the run woudl look like.

He told me that the idea of me going almost 11 months from now gives home peace and something that doesn’t stress him out.

I said I hope I get the Grant from Miami Light Box so thatit wil help pay for creating the work and Steve stopped me

He said it is nothing to worry about and there is no expectation for me to fund this. He said we all have out things and this is Your thing…your art..what you need to do like I do with sports and Jaedon with coding and Mason with sports…this is what you do Susie.

I had to stop him from talking… at that moment….and i went to give him a hug and thank him.

I realized that by doing all the work and getting the idea together…and never bringing steve into the conversation until I had to sign a contract.

Since I am not great at business and contracts and me are not the best combination..

The idea that we have ONE true mother is not real for me anymore…we have many versions of a mother figure throughout our lives…however the one relationship we must pay close attention to is how we see ourselves or rather our material mother is the one we should be the most tender to…tender in the sense that don’t put too much attention on the details…and when you do…laugh at your silly ness that one person could make up another’s world…

We are all products of a million light years through up against a wall and slid down into a magnetic kiss that found receiving lips and hips and built a love and a life and then from that thier best replications

But the replication must know thier origin and then not OWN it in any way.
We must know ourselves and then now own it too tightly.

We have —-as i swam in the warm pool at my mothers house which was being filled with my high school freinds and their mothers… an image of a play- of lots of women who complain about the other and tell one audience member to hold a painting and give them a pen and then say feel free to add your own doodles and then only to be met by another “person” who is made and the doodles that were made…By making one person happy… yourself… you risk the truth in making everyone else miserable..

But I have learned in my many intense arguements that my role in my marriage as far as wife was NOT making my HUSBAND happy. Or rather …let me adjust…my role as a mother toward my husband was not something he wanted to have. He still has his mother and she is very much in her life…
And I am not a mother to him. I began to see that I even streamed him like a dad rather that just a husband and so releasing him of my MOTHERING i has directly released myself of his fathering and I am free.

There once was a rainbow who loved to sing while she thought of her golden ring
BUt one day a man freedom in the sky
YEslled at the rainbow and made her cry
He told her to stop but she wouldn’t respond.
SHe just ignored him and climber beyond.
How dare he said the man
I control this earth
I am the owner of the land.
But the rainbow from up above still loves to sing…while she things of her folder ring
As her tail drags behind her….making oval curves…she tried to escape the man and tried to control her nerves.”

I was trying to figure. Out if I should do a full 30 day run in Edenbough and their feeling I am getting is yes
I feel a full run would make all the effort worth it..it will be more that I think I can handle right now so somethign to strive to and give people time to come visit.

My freinds int he house of my mother are all my mothers…they have all allowed me to be the spirit I am and the kindness I have learned…they have offered me the space and the platform to observe nature and this story I write will be my observation as best I can told with love and respect and understanding…to cut the energy to free the ghosts.
S

since I went to London and saw Starlight Express when I was nine I always wanted to skate and dance and act on a stage in the UK.

Well- patience my dear freinds..three minutes till passing zone and if you plan it right. If you get your ducks lined up you may just make it happen-

Aug 2019 I plan to be in Scotland with a piece I am creating. I plan to star in a play I create by myself. I plan to spend a month working as an actress in this world as I had always wanted.

A dream has a food- needs to be fed and if it isn’t satiated it will eat at you. I have felt it first hand.

There are no excuses. A family is NOT an excuse it is a reason.
A never have is not an excuse it is a motivation
A but why? is not a defense it is a reason.

I am sitting here isn the BErks sourounded by most of my closest girl freinds and their mothers and we are enjoying a once in a life time experience…life happens..when you focus on its Lovelness.

xoxoxo