IF you are interested in helping another person be it from a place of grace and love and not from bitter jealousy.
But who is to know…if it is. Only those that dare to pull out their thoughts and read them like those of a fortune cookie …to hear the lines that were written many years ago and to acknowledge they are still in the sub talk..underneath what you wish you fully felt..but no thought is fullly one shade it exists because of its opposite- what matters is what we allow to grow.
WHY? Because the dark thoughts are within us always…it is only through patience and acceptance of them that we can learn their use…a power source we can transmute into high voltage grace..if we can hold are hand there long enough without slapping it away or into another- 30 seconds then a minute…and so on until a whole hour can go by long enough for you to get distracted and move on to something more pleasant…without loosing space and time in the dark void of your light…
Look at the thought from all angels and see it…for what it is …a thought that is requesting a ticket to your emotions and a healed person has removed the monthly pass and knowing it can not evict the thought..has decided to attend to it like any other rider…with grace – patience and understanding..
WHY.
Why do I think that horrible thought…walk the cat backwards as my acting couch would say and see where this might have all begon and pull the root out a little..a little more…each time and soon it will be a thought without a root..a bad actor who doesn’t land her lines…she just mouths them and they have no power on her or any other who she thought this about. but the thoughts may remain just not rooted…and that is fine..
Thoughts…are more powerful than actions or words…they are your everything…learn to dance with them..play them good music…entertain them in doses but never ignore them. Address them with a smile and love if you can muster it…
i am workin on some things…in my head…my body is tired…could be i am only home 2 weeks…I am coming off a huge endeavor…could be I have a little health issue with my thyroid…could be i need iodine or don’t need it…could be a lot of things…but
I am taking iodine drops as of this evening and all of a sudden I felt the need to go work out in the pool…after being very tired today…and falling asleep while I was reading. So the question is..what helped me today…the cat nap or the iodine drops.
this is going to be something I am going to talk about because I have just now had a thyroid issue to speak of…but I am seeing a few people about it
it is something that is built daily and with each decision we make. If you have attained it, it must be maintained. CON-fidence is about moving past yourself often in small ways that matter to your soul.
small ways that perhaps only you can see and those small ways build a being that eventually people see and say..wow, you’ve changed. Hopefully for the better if you were making conscious choices.
I have disappeared…I have become another version of myself…and “she” “old me” sneaks in when she catches the eye of a piece of candy that seems to get her innards moving and she can’t help but bite her lip and tease in her mysterious little way because old me can’t die she can just be told to sit in the corner mostly and that is fine…because now when she comes out it is like an old flame…I can flirt with but nothing is going to happen with…because it is so over..done…been there…
I have touched upon confidence and each day it grows stronger till it doesn’t and I slip down a shoots and ladder slide and look up trying to remember the steps back up. CONfidence is gained and maintained and lost and found and in that…in that ..we can play the game well- in a day flip from one to another and back again…dexterity is the key… light easy going surrounded by lovers of your key…
PS. PS. After continuing on the journey and learning more about IODINE I will soon learn that taking IODINE with an AUTONOMOUS NODULE like I have is A NO GO and I have to get off it until I handle the nodule issue: here is the blog about that info
I am putting this here so that incase you are not reading the entire blog you dont miss this very important info,
my Endo…not mine anymore we broke up. I am trying NOT to send him I told you so letter…But I feel so vindicated…so empowered….but I shall blog here about it instead.
OK, So if you read the other blog about how this Doc and I didn’t click I want to tell you I stayed with him anyway. He was fine enough and was able to order tests and we did them ALL.
The last one was a Thyroid uptake. To be cleared to take that I had to take an IODINE LEVEL test. Make sure I was not HIGH in Iodine. ( remember my interest in being too low he dismissed?)
REMEMBER. I was taking iodine originally when I went there from what I learned on the internet and this DOC was so annoyed with my "flippancy to take something SOOO dangerous"...he demanded I get off it to run the labs and wait 8 weeks ( along with other bovine supplements which perhaps he was correct about since I am still reading HYPER)
Anywho….the iodine test was then taken. I was happy to gather my pee in a container all day if it meant I would get that original question I asked answered…could I be iodine deficient?
almost a week later I was rollerblading when the doctor called..He had also taken a blood test the last visit and so I had a few questions answered.
NO graves antibodies and my iodine was fine…
FINE
Really?
I was shocked but I believed him.
days go by I did my iodine uptake test and got those results back today.
At the time he called …I was in the isle of a healthy grocery story googlings over sweet potato rice noodles and holding a juice I got for my post circus out I had just finished. and my doc recomended that since I have a toxic Nodule and hyper I should consider radiation therapy.( something he spoke about on day one office visit and seemed a fan) I asked about the outcomes of success..he said 50/50. Meaning I could just as easily be healed as I could become HYPO after all of this.- He then mentioned surgery could also be an option. I asked for a name of a second opinion and also asked if I have time to think on this. He said YES and then gave me the name of a DR.
I thanked him and said something like an apology for my crazy crying fit my first appointment with him and I had not expected to ever go back but to see him after that but I did -I didn’t follow my gut..my usual way of running from such a flip-ant person when it comes to not . open to listening …and going toward a kinder alternative more open approach…( part fo that is still true because if you keep your eyes open…no matter which way you go you will learn what you need to)
I called steve gave him the news as I looked at the sweet potato pasta…I don’t remember what he said other than…Steve felt that the he recalled the dr. very into the radio active and that we will see the other doctor and talk about surgery..
I hung up and then thought…oh I have been lining up a naturopath gyno…I am going to see her bc she was recommended from three friends and when I filled out her intake questionnaire a few weeks ago -I fell in love. She wanted to KNOW KNOW me and yes it is out of pocket…but my pocket had money in it and what better way then on my health. I called and asked for their first available …they said today at 4pm WHAT? OMG
I paid for my juice and that pasta made from sweet potatoes and I called the other endo as I walked to get my eyebrows threaded..I like this strip mall ..but they don’t have a pole..I digress…then I stayed on hold with the other ENDO office while my brows were cleaned up and I made an appointment on the 4th…of December moments before my online coaching session will Jill Grunewald of the book about Thyroid and food. I cover my bases when I do this type fo stuff…like a character I find our everything…research is my second name or at least investigation and following my gut.
I went to my SPACE got my labs form my past appointments and organized my papers…( i have a book in here i need to write..found the outline and everything ) I went home and printed out the latest labs I showered got the Jaedon from school..I stopped by my internal general dr and picked up my OLD labs ( that proved this was an issue a year ago and NO one mentioned anything- Cleaning house) and I was soon enough on my way to my GYNO naturopath appointment.
I get there and at first there was a mix up but eventually It was cleared..I could see the DR. I went in..I could see her standing at her desk through the reflection in the glass door she has. PROPER..
I sat down we talked…she went over ALL the labs and all the info in the original new patient questionnaire I LOVED so much-we spoke about a few different things…she wanted me to see a surgeon about the thyroid…UNTIL…
and here is where that red circle comes in- we went to do a pelvic exam and she said I have a LARGE fibroid…and will need an ultrasound. OH i say…yes and she goes on to softly state how this may need to be removed of I will need a hysterectomy if it is too big or gets bigger..OH…and then she talks about BRACA and all that and I say well one thing at a time..and then she says well everyting is connected and I say how and the conversation leads slowly to IODINE and how being low can cause these things..I tell her I had a test and it was normal and she said oh,,let’s go look at that and here is the kicker.
The Iodine test was taken with the intention on insuring I was at a low enough level to have additional iodine given to me at the uptake radioactive iodine test… devil is in the details.
But when I looked at the LAB report TODAY – the GYNO and I we saw that the red circle said ACCEPTABLE FOR TYROID scan…but JUST ABOVE THAT..
details.
It clearly states I am LOW in iodine.which can cause a toxic nodule and thyroid issues and so…I have an answer to WHY…why the thyroid and why the fibroid.. and the heavy persiod and the lists of things..
THANK GOODNESS for that patient portal that had my documents and for me being diligent and following MY GUT again and making that appointment Today and for knowing who my follow ups were and my team and for my friends I have made that gave me all these names and people they trust…tomorrow. I have another appointment with a nutritionist who I can say..hey. I have low iodine…lets fix THAT.shall we…
I feel vindicated from writing this… I see now from trying to explain the story to you why my doctor miss read the lab results – The red circle was around something he wanted to see – he wasn’t looking at what I wanted to see and so..be your own advocate…as my dear DARIA would say.
I can hear my father..always ask that next question..I hear him saying …nice research… and I got an image of him holding hands with God I asked him about BRACA and he said nope….i am spared…so he thinks…but that is for another day. Maybe tomorrow…can’t a middle age lady breath a second.
Took my iodine felt amazing….didn’t sleep I was too wired from all of this new information…
PS. After continuing on the journey and learning more about IODINE I will soon learn that taking IODINE with an AUTONOMOUS NODULE like I have is A NO GO and I have to get off it until I handle the nodule issue
Jewbana my love…we have spent a year together ..if you think about it.
a whole year…And we even went to Europe together and it was amazing and you were amazing… you ARE amazing…and when we came home I showed you to my city to people who would really get you and you KILLED it it was amazing… and I am so proud of us…all of us…
I am concerned though…to be honest …in how to maintain our relationship…back home with all the distractions and my desire to CHANGE..to evolve to move on..to run away..
I am going to set you down..a moment to breath – to have you relax to see what the universe says to me…I am going to trust that I can approach you from another direction and in order to do that I have to move away a bit.
I see your name on sweat shirts…I see it…I see your name on t-shirts that have quotes from you -I see your name around town- and then MAYBE I see us getting back on stage together…on a screen- on a pole – I wish I had a person to be responsible for…I have a space now as thought that will keep me interested…in you in us…momentum…it is a BITCH…
I know you are amazing..I will POST your story so people can buy you and read you and watch you and wear you..
I just don’t have the energy to produce you right now…at this moment… Once in Sept and once is October…..not bad…my Dear and two calls from the JCC and a call from the Shandrel RIvers theater….but…
I am tired and awaiting a call about how my Thyroid is working with Iodine and I want to tend to MYSELF now and my family. I had to take a radioactive pill for them to see how I use Iodine.. so i need to tend to me a moment…
I adore you..I am so proud of us and all we have accomplished…I just have to give myself a little breathing room..
You have given me a voice and I appreciate that gift.. you also gave me the knowledge that I can do a one woman show and in that I am blessed
(checking email for some reason)
I just got an email from Shandrel Rivers theater about a run there… and yes there are others that want to see you…I am going to chat with them but I am TIRED…not sleepy tired but trying to see what the next goal would be….
I know you land
I know you get audiences..
Should I try and build that up?
Maybe I need to pitch you as a show to Netflix or Disney or amazon..???
Maybe i need to produce the pilot?
You ask a great deal of me…JEWBANA…
but I asked more from you and you delivered so I get it…
I love you.. let’s take some space as these emails come in as I continue to rehearse you at my old High school as I buy sweatshirts for samples of merchandise I see your name on…it is returning……. you are so like me…girl…chillax…and enjoy the two minutes of it…. try.
about 18 years ago or so I maneuvered myself into a pitch for a female contraceptive device called NUVARING with an pharma company named-
I had just heard about it and loved it and wanted to share it with the world. I came up with commercials and called the company every day for weeks until they allowed me to pitch my campaign.
It was good. The tag line was…”This is the ring you have been waiting for”
I remember being in NY and and driving to NJ -staying at my Aunt and Uncles on the upper west side.
But mostly I remember the room of men – the clients- the ad team for Nuva ring-or the pharma…i guess it was the pharma bc I was pitching to THEM…the men who looked at my with interest as I pitched my campaign. I was wearing a blue dress much like Monica Lewinsky…I remember the room of men and the contraceptive and the irony of no women being in the room as I spoke about a birth control device you insert in your vagina…it was odd and to me at the time somewhat normal as an actor…a room of men deciding things . even for my down theres.
And I remembered that experience today while I was standing in a room in front of 20 women- the client- the company – during a fitting for a pharma commercial I am shooting on Sat for something that helps women.
It has been almost two decades and the juxtaposition was digestible …
i awoke today to a memory…I was walking into a bar in the Grove..I was looking at a guy in a booth…he had a pitcher of beer in front of him… I was scared and angry and attracted to this person all at once- he was you.
I was .at this bar on a mission. I was there to tell you to fuck off and to never talk to me again and to tell you that what ever you do moving forward -with whoever…don’t lie….like you did to me.
I approached you..I was light and free and I graceful I think and i sat at the wooden booth in the bar -I believe it was called Flamingo and I wondered…I wondered….how such a cute guy could screw me over so hard and how I doubled down that being screwed by marrying another guy just to hammer it home.
So i am married sitting across from you …begrudgingly married to a wanker whose limp arms held me when I cried -when you didn’t come…men had so much importance in my life…i had a great father…too great.
I was bad at rejection bc I had no moderation…I was with you a 10000% or I was not – and even if I was kissing other guys while I awaited your supposed arrival I was sure it was bc you told me we weren’t dating and i suppose that in that no dating you were free to go back on your promise…your promise that led me to falling for you in the first place.
I promise…I’ll visit….fall in love with me….bc I won’t not follow through…and yet it was a summer fling and should have stayed a summer fling but I like to drag things on…and so I did till this morning some 22 years later and here is why
Because those little lies an un tells they are part of you…as you move through your day and I don’t walk the dog with you and hear your thoughts…I am out of the loop…I am fine about it…don’t worry about your details and yet..the finding out of these details….later…that begins to remind me how you once lied and never came to visit..
That you were deceptive
That you are a man
That you are human
That you are independent of me
That I …I am independent of you
and this money in my account that I earned one way or another is not your money and that
that separates us and it is new this seperations this un jointedness that causes me to awake to memories of the un-telling but then I have to reset it…reset it…as reality and nothing more than normal and
It is I that needs to watch my work and my step and my focus my intentions with others in my life
enough of this one…worry wart….enough of that one…bussier than I …enough of me and you and all of us…
I pay my workers…my artist…I pay them for their creativity.
And I pay you to not mind my desire to know…if we fall apart we will return again….as always…attached at the hip is not my liking so here we go…details be not known…
I will keep a few in my pocket just to feel like I am sound and safe with my self…
Settling after a showing…a space awaits me and for what? I am interested in creating a studio to work and build and make…I am moving…forward…I am moving…backwards and sideways and up and down but mostly…forward…I am
perhaps…OK…again..OK…established and understanding myself…I am in a rut in a nook on a step falling off I am all of this at this time- I am – in a FUNK a DELICATESSEN….at the counter waiting to order a Pastrami and Rye…missing dad…always at these times…bitter sweet…
Yesterday I found a pole studio right next to my neighborhood…I went …I sat in a room with girls half my age and younger I was the old betty.
I was also the most flexible student…( teacher was insane) and I was asked as she pulled my arms toward her crotch as I was in a straddle…”How old are you” I pulled up slapped her hands aways and said…”IN AMERCIA…we don’t ask that” and then I laughed at the craziness the racism of that comment and answered – “How old do I look”. She was honest and said 40…I told her “45”
I was home in my little pole world and I left after that stretch class and returned two hours later and took a pole class..learned how to climb better and prettier..I looked at al their nails so long and pretty and I straddled my legs on the pole and let myself fall back and I glimpsed at my theighs…filled with wrinkles and I I thought to myself…my dad was right…my legs will look like my grandmothers one day but then I instantly leveled up that thorugh with HOW many women my age age doing this today…and If they are I am among them..I purchased an unlimited month and I added it to my list and I made it my priority- to return home-
Something about climbing a pole…swinging on a pole…being in the room with other women who also respect the pole and I am on the flip side ..flipping upside down in hope that maybe this pole will return to the play and I will have it as a center piece..a prop a thing I work with a grounding tool…my pole
I am not a perfect mother…by far…but I am honest and in tune and loving and stern. I am protective and supportive and fierce and intense. I am all of these things in the blink of a sneeze I am a mother…who has become aware that I am the best I can be…I know my kids…i feel them…I am an empath and their frustration clouds my judgement at times when I should be cross…I buckle…but I limp back into place…I hold my ground and I Karate kid things into place one by one…
I am not botoxed..this makes me sad…I am not ironed clean I am a wrinkled ball of emotions…I am not HOT or SEXY and as I sit at tables I see mens eyes glance the ones that are..I am not ALL THAT…to THEM anymore…nor do I care to be
I find myself…when I cow tow to that pedantic behavior I know so well..I am not in tune..my chakras are closed I am walking with one eye glued shut and then something like my son not telling us where he is and us finding out through the text of a fellow parent that he is down the street at a young girls house and I peel my eye open and like a ton of lightening rods I see…what i have been frustrated with for days..
This thing…this pressure…this frustration…it was NOT mine at all.
He tells us he lies..I tell him we all have…he tells me he doesn’t know why and I say it will take you years to unwind them…start now…Learn from me..Unwind my dear loving boy and with that… into a spin he blurts it out
TRUTH…
we fall to our knees….what was the LIE what was the cause of the endless deception…he was pretending he wanted a Bar Mitzvah for a Party for a what…is it true – why – could care less – he knows who he came from and all the angst the annoyance of trying to be forced to plan a party that felt like pulling teeth stops for a moment.
